(no subject)
Merry Post Christmas. If you're like me, you don't get derpressed until after Christmas, so while I was going to post this on Christmas eve, I decided to wait until today. Enjoy and I hope everyone had safe and happy holidays.
This is part of a series of one shots from the mikeyverse all told from different characters perspectives. They're just fun little short stories that I didn't want to work into the main story.
Title: The Fuckus Tree
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen
Rating :R
Words4,500
Warnings: Wincest, watersports
Summary: When Sam thinks Milo might be sick, Dean completely freaks out.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard
When something was wrong with one of the kids Dean usually noticed it first and if he didn't Sam always caught it eventually. The only reason Dean didn't notice anything wrong with Milo was because he wasn't constantly being tailed by him. Where ever Sam went and whatever he did Milo was never far behind. Sam had turned around and knocked Milo over so many times that he eventually just stopped apologizing for it and simply helped him up before he went on with his business.
Business, as it was, happened to be Milo's problem. One Thursday right around lunch time Sam really had to pee because he had been holding it in for about an hour while he tried to get the standard forty-seven sandwiches ready for lunch. Sam raced to the bathroom when the last sandwich was made and Milo was running right behind him like he always was. When Sam went to pee Milo stood by and watched carefully and then smiled sweetly before he got up on his little stool and started the sink. Sam never washed his hands immediately after he peed, because when he went Milo went which meant the toilet would have to be cleaned and sometimes the wall and usually the floor as well.
"Make your pee pee."
"Don't gotta."
"Oh." Sam said. "Okay. Well, let's wash our hands for lunch then."
After flushing the toilet Sam washed his hands and helped Milo and then they went on with their day. After dinner Sam had to pee again and Milo was getting ready for his bath and declared once again that he didn't have to go. Sam thought that was a little strange, but Milo was a big fan of peeing in the tub as often as possible so he forgot all about it and assumed it happened at some point during the bath.
The next morning when Milo got up and came down the stairs, Evan informed Sam that he had taken him to the bathroom but he hadn't gone. Sam checked out Milo's little boxer briefs and they were dry as a bone. Sam then thought maybe Milo was waiting for him to pee, but he still didn't go. At that point Sam tried to remember the last time he had taken Milo to pee and he couldn't remember, but he did remember a couple of juice boxes, some water, a big glass of milk with dinner and some more with dessert after dinner. Milo had an even bigger glass of orange juice with breakfast and then went into the living room to play for a little bit while Sam decided to ask Dean if he had noticed anything.
"What?"
"Did you take Milo to pee by any chance?"
"Sammy, you know he yells at my penis and it makes me uncomfortable."
"I know that...I don't think he went at all yesterday."
"Oh, my God! He's dying! Call the ambulance!"
"Dean, calm down."
"Oh, God!" Dean said as he started to pace. "How could you let this happen!"
"I just noticed, I didn't let anything...Where are you going?"
"Milo! Dean screamed. "Baby! Daddy's coming!"
Before Sam could even put down the dishes he was about to wash Dean darted out of the kitchen and into the living room. When Sam found him he had Milo bent over his knee with his shirt off while he jabbed him in between his shoulder blades. Milo was understandably furious and it just got worse when Dean pulled down his pants and eyed his penis from about an inch away.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I checked his kidneys and now I'm checking his penis."
"You think the kidneys are in the shoulders?"
"I don't know Sam!" Dean screamed. "Milo! Milo!"
"You don't yell at my wiener! Me, I don't like that!"
"Do you feel okay? Does your bladder hurt? Let daddy look at your urethra."
"I left it in a car. Don't need a bladder, sold it to Mary."
"Sammy, get me a cocktail straw and a flashlight."
"Dean, you can't look inside his penis."
While Dean panicked and prayed and flailed and tried in vain to figure out where Milo's kidneys were Sam dug out his phone and told Bruce they were coming into the office. Apparently he had a pretty full schedule, but he made room for Milo once Sam reminded him the lease to his office space was in his name. Not only could Bruce and Nick handle just about anything, but they were both very good at convincing Dean that the kids weren't going to just up and die for minor problems.
In the ten minutes it took to get Milo dressed and call Michael over to watch the kids, Dean had managed to find fifteen life threatening diseases from a quick search on his phone. He was rattling off the most benign scenarios to the most extreme, at one point at the last stop light before they got to the office he started hyperventilate because he was absolutely 100% certain that Milo had some form of cancer he couldn't even pronounce. Sam was concerned, maybe even a little worried, but he was absolutely sure that Milo didn't develop cancer over the course of 48 hours.
Without even checking in with the receptionist, Dean barged right through the waiting room and practically kicked down the first open exam room he could find. Nick was in there as soon as humanly possible, but it didn't really matter since he hadn't moved fast enough and had to suffer through a very lengthy scolding from Dean about all they had done for them and Obama care and dying children. Nick basically just ignored him and then rather roughly shoved him into one of the chairs and out of the way.
"Hey, buddy!" Nick smiled. "Kiss?"
"Mwah! Where's my sucker, sucker?"
"I think there's one in my jacket you can have as soon as we figure out what's going on. Let's get you out of these clothes."
"You want a sexy dance?"
"Maybe next time."
"Oh." Milo said as he nodded solemnly. "Okay."
While Sam helped Milo out of his clothes Dean stood back up and watched from a safe distance. It was adorable that he was so concerned, but Milo really did seem fine. He was in a pretty good mood, he didn't have a fever and it wasn't like he was throwing up or anything that would be too worrying. He even managed to do a little bit of a sexy dance once Sam had him undressed and he was sitting on the exam table in just his underwear.
"Okay." Nick said. "Tell me if this hurts."
"Okay."
"Oh, those are the kidneys?" Dean asked as he inched closer. "Way down there?"
"Yeah..." Nick said as he pressed in a little harder. "Where did you think they were?"
"Uh...elsewhere."
Nick pushed and poke and prodded until Milo finally complained after some rather intense pressure that probably would have bothered Sam as well. He really had to push hard to get any kind of reaction out of him, and it seemed to be more from general prodding and not prodding in any specific area. He pushed all over his belly next and Milo once again complained when Nick pushed down really hard.
"Hey! Why you doing it!"
"Does it hurt?"
"Ya poking me all over!"
"Hmm. You know what super cool guys do for fun?"
"Yeah, butt stuff." Milo scoffed. "Touching butts and slapping butts and baths with daddy."
"Very true." Nick said as he opened one of the cabinets. "Hold on, I'm going to pee in this jar like a cool guy and then I'll..."
"Let me do it!" Milo screamed. "I want to pee!"
"Oh, you want to do it? I guess that's okay."
Nick had his hands on his zipper, but he shrugged and walked back over to Milo to stand him up and tug down his undies. Sam wasn't entirely sure Nick used the same tactics with the rest of the kids or let them pee in the exam room, but for Milo he was going to make an exception. Having the cup held in front of him was like Christmas morning, because Milo was smiling his head off and making sure Sam and Dean were both watching.
Sam was kind of nervous that nothing was going to happen, but then a few little drops squeaked their way out and then an actual tiny stream came out when Nick rather roughly squeezed Milo's midsection. That just pissed him off and he immediately slapped Nick in the face, ran to the end of the table and jumped into Sam's arms. There was probably about two tablespoons of pee in the little jar, but it was better than nothing.
"Good boy!" Sam smiled. "You did so good!"
"He squeeze me!"
"That was an accident." Nick said. "Did it hurt when you peed? Was it hard to go?"
"No."
"Hmm. I bet you can't drink a whole bottle of juice by yourself."
"I bet I can!"
"Well, I'm going to go bring this to the lab, and we'll see how much juice you can drink."
After Nick went off with the little jar, he returned with a rather large bottle of apple juice while Sam was getting Milo dressed again. Dean practically ripped the bottle open and tried to pour it directly into Milo's throat, which wasn't his best idea. Not only did Milo not get what Dean's whole deal was, but he was a big boy and holding his own juice was a pretty big deal to him. Once he was dressed and sitting back on the table and slung the whole bottle back and gulped it down like a champ just as Bruce was coming in to check on him.
"Where the hell were you at?" Dean asked. "Milo needed both of you and..."
"I was on the phone with the hospital telling them we were sending in a severely dehydrated child who..."
"Oh, my God, I didn't ask for your life story!"
"Who needed to get some IV fluids because she's been sick for a few days."
"It's fine." Sam said as he squinted at Dean. "Milo, look, uncle Bruce came to see you."
"He squeeze me!"
"Oh, your daddy said that was okay."
"You said what!" Milo yelled at Dean. "The nerve of it all!"
"I didn't tell him to..."
"Dean." Bruce sighed. "Enough of your lies. Milo, what's going on, buddy? Bet you can't drink this bottle of water."
Milo snatched the bottle away from Bruce, downed about half of it and then went on to list his seemingly innumerable problems, none of which had to do with him peeing. Apparently he felt it was time he got his own pet and he didn't want a cat or a dog he wanted a cat butt with dog paws and maybe wings, he hadn't made up his mind about that. He was absolutely sick and tired of all of Mary's frilly dresses and at some point he had decided for the entire family that it was high time they just phased Ethan out. When he went on sleepovers grandma made cookies for everyone and not just him, grandpa was still making honking noises when he slept sometimes and Mikey was the biggest nerd he had ever met and it was bringing down Milo's rep at school where no one would let him punch people who made him mad.
Bruce listened to everything intently while Milo took several breaks from ranting to finish off his bottle of water. When he was done he chucked the entire thing against the wall where it fell into the open garbage can. That was pretty impressive, but Sam was almost positive that with that amount of fluids in him he was going to piss himself on the ride home, which was fine since they had taken Dean's car.
"I will talk to grandma about extra cookies."
"You do that."
"So, it doesn't hurt when you pee and it only hurt when uncle Nick poked and squeezed you."
"He do it too hard."
"But it doesn't hurt and burn?"
"No."
"Do you remember the last time you went?" Bruce asked. "The last time you peed?"
"Before we leave."
"Who took you to pee?" Sam asked. "And who cleaned up afterwards?"
"I do peeing myself, daddy."
"Okay." Dean sighed. "We've both seen you pee, and we both love you, but you can't aim that cashew to save your life."
"You got the cashew!"
"Who told you that!"
"I see it all the time." Milo told Bruce. "Like half of daddy."
"Aww." Sam smiled. "That's sweet baby, and accurate."
"Okay." Bruce sighed. "Listen, take him home, force some fluids on him and watch him. I'll call as soon as we get the results and if he has an infection I'll get some antibiotics."
"I'm thick as hell."
"Dean."
"He knows I'm thick as hell." Dean said before he picked up Milo. "Everyone knows I'm thick as hell. So you just want me to take him out in the yard and shove the hose in his mouth or what?"
"Yes, Dean. Take him out in the twenty degree weather and hose him down regularly."
"We could get Jensen and Jared to spray him in the penis."
"Nope!" Milo yelled. "They almost kill Owly."
After getting a few more recommendations for things to drink and getting his sucker, Sam loaded Milo back into the car and spent the next ten minutes listening to Dean talk about his penis. In all fairness, it was literally the second best penis in the world, but Sam really didn't care to hear all about it's many, many virtues. He was only concerned about Milo's penis and whether or not they were going to have him peeing on himself before they got back to the house.
When they did make it back home, Sam jumped out of the car and checked Milo out, but he was dry and still happily working on his sucker. Once they were inside Milo went to show the sucker off to everyone and Dean got back on his phone in what seemed to be an attempt to find out what was really wrong with Milo. While he wasted time doing that Sam went and did a little investigating of his own.
He went from bathroom to bathroom checking to make absolutely sure that Milo hadn't peed anywhere. He loved his baby boy more than anything, but the kid had worse aim than a blind sniper. Every toilet in the house was positively pristine just like Sam had left them. There was no way Milo had peed in any of them even if he said he did. Dean wasn't much of a cleaner unless Sam made him do it, so there was really only one other reasonable explanation.
After a little more searching Sam found Evan in his bedroom with an old cut up T-shirt and a bottle of Pledge. He had removed everything from the bookcases and was giving them a very thorough dusting. Sam wanted to applaud the initiative, but he was secretly kind of upset that Evan hadn't asked him if he wanted to help him clean because there was literally nothing else on the planet that made him happier, not even Dean's thick cashew dick.
"Hey, daddy!"
"Hey, buddy. Looking good."
"Daddy, I can't sleep in here with all this mess."
"Yeah." Sam said as he looked around the immaculate room. "I get that. Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Can you get the top of the bookcase?"
"Absolutely." Sam said before taking the rag. "Listen, did you clean any of the bathrooms?"
"You told me I'm not old enough to clean the bathrooms yet because of the chemicals even though they're all natural. Wait! Am I old enough now! This is so exciting!"
"Um, no, I'm still going to do that. Did you just maybe wipe up some pee?"
"I don't understand the question."
"Did you clean up pee?"
"I pee in the toilet."
"Right." Sam said as he dusted. "But did you see pee like...literally all over the place and then clean it up?"
"No." Evan replied. "Is this because I said the grout needed scrubbing?"
"No, but again, the grout doesn't need scrubbing."
"It's dingy."
"That is an absurd accusation and now you're punished!"
"Okay, daddy! See you later!"
Sam couldn't think of an appropriate punishment, so he was going to let the grout comment slide, for the third time in as many weeks. For the record, there was nothing dingy about Sam's house. It was true that the grout in the master bedroom was looking a little lackluster, but Sam had to give it a good scrubbing before he hired someone to redo the floors and that just seemed silly with the renovation coming up over the Summer. He was dealing with it as best he could, but Evan was very opinionated about the state the grout was in.
As Sam made his way back down the stairs he heard Dean arguing with no one rather loudly. Since he was sure it was Bruce or Nick calling back he began to rush towards the kitchen, but made an abrupt stop when he noticed just how awful one of his houseplants looked. It was winter and they all got a little limp and lazy because the heater was always on, but the one near the base of the stairs looked downright sad. The leaves were all yellow and brown and there were a couple of the floor behind the pot. The plant had always done well and Sam watered all the plants inside the house once a week, so he knew nothing had changed.
"Sammy!" Dean said as he rushed out of the kitchen. "Bruce says Milo isn't dying."
"Well, that's good news."
"No bacteria in his pee...Oh no, I guess if he doesn't have an infection he could still be dying."
"Look at my plant."
"Your fuckus tree?" Dean asked as he looked down. "Oh, that looks like shit."
"It's a ficus and..."
"Hey, daddy!" Milo said as he walked over. "Gotta pee."
"Oh!" Sam yelled. "Good! Let me take you!"
"A big boy. I got this."
"Uh...Milo, what are you..."
Without any hesitation or shame, Milo dropped his pants, whipped out his cashew and pissed directly into the potted plant. For the first few seconds Sam didn't say or do anything and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to respond to that anyway. Milo peed for a good minute, pulled his pants up, and then went to wash his hands. Sam heard the water running in the bathroom and then Milo was right back out and went to join the rest of the kids in the living room without saying a word.
When Sam looked up Dean was just kind of staring at the wall with a dumbfounded expression on his face. They had already managed to raised four boys who has never pissed in a potted plant and there was no good reason for Milo to be doing it. It was just about the strangest thing Sam had ever seen and he still had no idea what to say or what to do about it.
"Wow." Dean whispered. "I guess we finally have proof."
"Proof of what?"
"Well...Mikey and Ollie didn't pee in plants...Buster doesn't pee in plants...Ethan's a jerk and Milo...well..."
"What the hell are you trying to say."
"Quality over quantity." Dean nodded seriously. "You better get your kids in line."
"My kids!"
"Oh, in this scenario, Mary is mine. She likes me better anyway."
"Hey!"
"Evan's the only one you haven't totally screwed up. Way to go, Sammy."
"You better go talk to him about this!"
"Me? Talk to your precious little pudding pop? Your perfect little angel? Sammy, I'd love to help you out with this...but I don't want to."
Dean was having way too much fun and while Sam considered slapping the shit out of him that wasn't going to do any good because foreplay barely ever solved problems when it came to the kids. For the better part of a minute Dean went on and on about how Milo was just so perfect and precious and never did anything wrong and then to further illustrate his point he kicked the pot of the plant causing several leaves to flutter to the ground.
In the end they managed to come to a compromise. Dean agreed that they'd talk to Milo together and Sam agreed to do some things in the bedroom and more specifically in the shower that were too obscene to even mention. It made Dean giddy as hell though and Sam was willing to do just about anything to have a little help with Milo. Of course he always drew the line at pooping or puking, but luckily Dean hadn't ever expressed an interest in either and Sam wasn't really sure how that would work out anyway. He had thrown up on Dean before but he was like eight at the time and it was all corndogs. Either way they had come to a kinky compromise and now all they had to do was talk to Milo.
When Sam sat him down at the kitchen table he was looking sweeter than ever. After their adventure out of the house his bright red hair was kind of wind blown and his big blue eyes were extra blue and extra wide because Dean gave him a couple of animal crackers to snack on while they talked. He seemed completely oblivious to what he had done and what he had apparently been doing pretty regularly, which was also kind of cute, but Sam wasn't going to tolerate peeing in plants.
"You wait till Ethan hear about my cookies. Won't think he's got such pretty hair then. Daddy, he says he muh-guess-tic. Not even a little red though."
"Well, I'll beat his ass later." Dean said as he sat down. "So, you're peeing in plants."
"Dean!"
"Sammy, let me handle this so we can go upstairs and you can ficus all over me."
"Yeah, I water the plants. Helping out like Evan." Milo said before a thoughtful pause. "Ollie got all the rules about that walking hunk of bacon and the cat, me, I hate the cat."
"Uh...me too?"
"Don't touch the pig, don't poke the pig, don't put a sandwich on the pig. Spotty can sit with me and I scratch his ear because Evan is the nicest."
"That's true..." Sam whispered. "He's clearly the best."
"Agreed. Until Buster gets older Evan is the best. What does any of this have to do with you peeing in the plant?"
"I wanna help, short daddy."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Evan gets to help with the plants. I can't reach the pretty flowers in the glass room..."
"My orchids!" Sam screeched. "Tell me you didn't pee on my orchids!"
"I tried to, daddy! Can't get up there so when I get a chance I water the plants."
When Dean nodded seriously again, scratched his chin, and took an animal cookie, Sam wondered what they were supposed to do. Clearly Milo just wanted to help and thought he was helping, but they couldn't have him peeing in plants. It was bad enough that every time he got a little problematic John would remedy it by promising to let him pee outside. Sam didn't entirely approve of that either, but at least outside there was nothing to clean up and no plants to nurse back to health.
"Okay." Sam sighed. "You can help me and Evan with the plants and the orchids, we'll get you your own watering can."
"With sparkles?"
"Of course. But you can't pee anywhere except in the toilet and I do mean in it, not all over the place."
"If you don't stop peeing all over the place I'll hold your wiener with tongs again."
"No!" Milo gasped. "Not the tongs!"
"Yes." Dean nodded. "That was a rough time for all of us."
"And stupid." Sam mumbled. "Do we have a deal?"
"What about when I take a bathtub?"
"Let's work on that." Sam smiled. "And you can freely pee in the shower when you're in there taking a shower."
"Speaking of." Dean said as he jumped up. "Sammy, you look super thirsty. Let me get you three or four bottles of water...four I think."
"Really, Dean?"
"You promised! Michael! Watch all your assorted siblings."
Sam groaned and then kissed on Milo a little bit before sending him back to play with the rest of the kids. He was smart and he seemed to understand that peeing in the plants wasn't something he could do anymore. It was really cute that he wanted to help and if that's what he wanted to do, he was going to let him, because Sam was a sucker for a cute face and doing whatever it took to make his baby happy. That was one of his few faults, one that unfortunately sometimes made him do things he wasn't completely into.
"Okay." Sam said a few minutes later after his fourth bottle of water. "You ready for me, you sick, sick, puppy...Dean, what the hell?"
"What?" Dean asked from the shower. "I'm sitting on the floor of the shower with my mouth wide open."
"No!"
"Come on! You promised!"
"I said foot, maybe knee, no higher than the waist."
"What about in the butt."
"You say that like it's so easy for me to get a hardon when I have to pee this bad."
"Jared does it for Jensen..." Dean mumbled. "Wish someone loved me that much."
"Jared does not pee on or in Jensen."
"Anthony does."
"Does not!"
"Amy would."
"Well, yeah." Sam sighed. "Okay. All over, closed mouth, not the face, maybe in the butt afterwards."
"Then I get to do you?"
"Ugh." Sam groaned. "Fine, but just the feet. You're really weird, you know that, right?"
"Sammy, you'll sit in tub of diluted pee with Milo for an hour, but I'm weird because I want you to pee all over me?"
"Yes. Yes, exactly."
"Whatever." Dean said as he opened his mouth wider. "Come on big boy!"
"I am not peeing in your mouth!"
"Come on!"
After an exaggerated groan Sam undressed as slowly as he could and then got in the shower with Dean. At that point he had to pee so bad neither one of them had much choice in where it went and unfortunately Sam "accidentally" peed right in Dean's eye which caused him to scream and cry and immediately wash off his face. He was a total freak, but Sam loved him and in the end he watered him like a fuckus and even sort of enjoyed it a little.
This is part of a series of one shots from the mikeyverse all told from different characters perspectives. They're just fun little short stories that I didn't want to work into the main story.
Title: The Fuckus Tree
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen
Rating :R
Words4,500
Warnings: Wincest, watersports
Summary: When Sam thinks Milo might be sick, Dean completely freaks out.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard
When something was wrong with one of the kids Dean usually noticed it first and if he didn't Sam always caught it eventually. The only reason Dean didn't notice anything wrong with Milo was because he wasn't constantly being tailed by him. Where ever Sam went and whatever he did Milo was never far behind. Sam had turned around and knocked Milo over so many times that he eventually just stopped apologizing for it and simply helped him up before he went on with his business.
Business, as it was, happened to be Milo's problem. One Thursday right around lunch time Sam really had to pee because he had been holding it in for about an hour while he tried to get the standard forty-seven sandwiches ready for lunch. Sam raced to the bathroom when the last sandwich was made and Milo was running right behind him like he always was. When Sam went to pee Milo stood by and watched carefully and then smiled sweetly before he got up on his little stool and started the sink. Sam never washed his hands immediately after he peed, because when he went Milo went which meant the toilet would have to be cleaned and sometimes the wall and usually the floor as well.
"Make your pee pee."
"Don't gotta."
"Oh." Sam said. "Okay. Well, let's wash our hands for lunch then."
After flushing the toilet Sam washed his hands and helped Milo and then they went on with their day. After dinner Sam had to pee again and Milo was getting ready for his bath and declared once again that he didn't have to go. Sam thought that was a little strange, but Milo was a big fan of peeing in the tub as often as possible so he forgot all about it and assumed it happened at some point during the bath.
The next morning when Milo got up and came down the stairs, Evan informed Sam that he had taken him to the bathroom but he hadn't gone. Sam checked out Milo's little boxer briefs and they were dry as a bone. Sam then thought maybe Milo was waiting for him to pee, but he still didn't go. At that point Sam tried to remember the last time he had taken Milo to pee and he couldn't remember, but he did remember a couple of juice boxes, some water, a big glass of milk with dinner and some more with dessert after dinner. Milo had an even bigger glass of orange juice with breakfast and then went into the living room to play for a little bit while Sam decided to ask Dean if he had noticed anything.
"What?"
"Did you take Milo to pee by any chance?"
"Sammy, you know he yells at my penis and it makes me uncomfortable."
"I know that...I don't think he went at all yesterday."
"Oh, my God! He's dying! Call the ambulance!"
"Dean, calm down."
"Oh, God!" Dean said as he started to pace. "How could you let this happen!"
"I just noticed, I didn't let anything...Where are you going?"
"Milo! Dean screamed. "Baby! Daddy's coming!"
Before Sam could even put down the dishes he was about to wash Dean darted out of the kitchen and into the living room. When Sam found him he had Milo bent over his knee with his shirt off while he jabbed him in between his shoulder blades. Milo was understandably furious and it just got worse when Dean pulled down his pants and eyed his penis from about an inch away.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I checked his kidneys and now I'm checking his penis."
"You think the kidneys are in the shoulders?"
"I don't know Sam!" Dean screamed. "Milo! Milo!"
"You don't yell at my wiener! Me, I don't like that!"
"Do you feel okay? Does your bladder hurt? Let daddy look at your urethra."
"I left it in a car. Don't need a bladder, sold it to Mary."
"Sammy, get me a cocktail straw and a flashlight."
"Dean, you can't look inside his penis."
While Dean panicked and prayed and flailed and tried in vain to figure out where Milo's kidneys were Sam dug out his phone and told Bruce they were coming into the office. Apparently he had a pretty full schedule, but he made room for Milo once Sam reminded him the lease to his office space was in his name. Not only could Bruce and Nick handle just about anything, but they were both very good at convincing Dean that the kids weren't going to just up and die for minor problems.
In the ten minutes it took to get Milo dressed and call Michael over to watch the kids, Dean had managed to find fifteen life threatening diseases from a quick search on his phone. He was rattling off the most benign scenarios to the most extreme, at one point at the last stop light before they got to the office he started hyperventilate because he was absolutely 100% certain that Milo had some form of cancer he couldn't even pronounce. Sam was concerned, maybe even a little worried, but he was absolutely sure that Milo didn't develop cancer over the course of 48 hours.
Without even checking in with the receptionist, Dean barged right through the waiting room and practically kicked down the first open exam room he could find. Nick was in there as soon as humanly possible, but it didn't really matter since he hadn't moved fast enough and had to suffer through a very lengthy scolding from Dean about all they had done for them and Obama care and dying children. Nick basically just ignored him and then rather roughly shoved him into one of the chairs and out of the way.
"Hey, buddy!" Nick smiled. "Kiss?"
"Mwah! Where's my sucker, sucker?"
"I think there's one in my jacket you can have as soon as we figure out what's going on. Let's get you out of these clothes."
"You want a sexy dance?"
"Maybe next time."
"Oh." Milo said as he nodded solemnly. "Okay."
While Sam helped Milo out of his clothes Dean stood back up and watched from a safe distance. It was adorable that he was so concerned, but Milo really did seem fine. He was in a pretty good mood, he didn't have a fever and it wasn't like he was throwing up or anything that would be too worrying. He even managed to do a little bit of a sexy dance once Sam had him undressed and he was sitting on the exam table in just his underwear.
"Okay." Nick said. "Tell me if this hurts."
"Okay."
"Oh, those are the kidneys?" Dean asked as he inched closer. "Way down there?"
"Yeah..." Nick said as he pressed in a little harder. "Where did you think they were?"
"Uh...elsewhere."
Nick pushed and poke and prodded until Milo finally complained after some rather intense pressure that probably would have bothered Sam as well. He really had to push hard to get any kind of reaction out of him, and it seemed to be more from general prodding and not prodding in any specific area. He pushed all over his belly next and Milo once again complained when Nick pushed down really hard.
"Hey! Why you doing it!"
"Does it hurt?"
"Ya poking me all over!"
"Hmm. You know what super cool guys do for fun?"
"Yeah, butt stuff." Milo scoffed. "Touching butts and slapping butts and baths with daddy."
"Very true." Nick said as he opened one of the cabinets. "Hold on, I'm going to pee in this jar like a cool guy and then I'll..."
"Let me do it!" Milo screamed. "I want to pee!"
"Oh, you want to do it? I guess that's okay."
Nick had his hands on his zipper, but he shrugged and walked back over to Milo to stand him up and tug down his undies. Sam wasn't entirely sure Nick used the same tactics with the rest of the kids or let them pee in the exam room, but for Milo he was going to make an exception. Having the cup held in front of him was like Christmas morning, because Milo was smiling his head off and making sure Sam and Dean were both watching.
Sam was kind of nervous that nothing was going to happen, but then a few little drops squeaked their way out and then an actual tiny stream came out when Nick rather roughly squeezed Milo's midsection. That just pissed him off and he immediately slapped Nick in the face, ran to the end of the table and jumped into Sam's arms. There was probably about two tablespoons of pee in the little jar, but it was better than nothing.
"Good boy!" Sam smiled. "You did so good!"
"He squeeze me!"
"That was an accident." Nick said. "Did it hurt when you peed? Was it hard to go?"
"No."
"Hmm. I bet you can't drink a whole bottle of juice by yourself."
"I bet I can!"
"Well, I'm going to go bring this to the lab, and we'll see how much juice you can drink."
After Nick went off with the little jar, he returned with a rather large bottle of apple juice while Sam was getting Milo dressed again. Dean practically ripped the bottle open and tried to pour it directly into Milo's throat, which wasn't his best idea. Not only did Milo not get what Dean's whole deal was, but he was a big boy and holding his own juice was a pretty big deal to him. Once he was dressed and sitting back on the table and slung the whole bottle back and gulped it down like a champ just as Bruce was coming in to check on him.
"Where the hell were you at?" Dean asked. "Milo needed both of you and..."
"I was on the phone with the hospital telling them we were sending in a severely dehydrated child who..."
"Oh, my God, I didn't ask for your life story!"
"Who needed to get some IV fluids because she's been sick for a few days."
"It's fine." Sam said as he squinted at Dean. "Milo, look, uncle Bruce came to see you."
"He squeeze me!"
"Oh, your daddy said that was okay."
"You said what!" Milo yelled at Dean. "The nerve of it all!"
"I didn't tell him to..."
"Dean." Bruce sighed. "Enough of your lies. Milo, what's going on, buddy? Bet you can't drink this bottle of water."
Milo snatched the bottle away from Bruce, downed about half of it and then went on to list his seemingly innumerable problems, none of which had to do with him peeing. Apparently he felt it was time he got his own pet and he didn't want a cat or a dog he wanted a cat butt with dog paws and maybe wings, he hadn't made up his mind about that. He was absolutely sick and tired of all of Mary's frilly dresses and at some point he had decided for the entire family that it was high time they just phased Ethan out. When he went on sleepovers grandma made cookies for everyone and not just him, grandpa was still making honking noises when he slept sometimes and Mikey was the biggest nerd he had ever met and it was bringing down Milo's rep at school where no one would let him punch people who made him mad.
Bruce listened to everything intently while Milo took several breaks from ranting to finish off his bottle of water. When he was done he chucked the entire thing against the wall where it fell into the open garbage can. That was pretty impressive, but Sam was almost positive that with that amount of fluids in him he was going to piss himself on the ride home, which was fine since they had taken Dean's car.
"I will talk to grandma about extra cookies."
"You do that."
"So, it doesn't hurt when you pee and it only hurt when uncle Nick poked and squeezed you."
"He do it too hard."
"But it doesn't hurt and burn?"
"No."
"Do you remember the last time you went?" Bruce asked. "The last time you peed?"
"Before we leave."
"Who took you to pee?" Sam asked. "And who cleaned up afterwards?"
"I do peeing myself, daddy."
"Okay." Dean sighed. "We've both seen you pee, and we both love you, but you can't aim that cashew to save your life."
"You got the cashew!"
"Who told you that!"
"I see it all the time." Milo told Bruce. "Like half of daddy."
"Aww." Sam smiled. "That's sweet baby, and accurate."
"Okay." Bruce sighed. "Listen, take him home, force some fluids on him and watch him. I'll call as soon as we get the results and if he has an infection I'll get some antibiotics."
"I'm thick as hell."
"Dean."
"He knows I'm thick as hell." Dean said before he picked up Milo. "Everyone knows I'm thick as hell. So you just want me to take him out in the yard and shove the hose in his mouth or what?"
"Yes, Dean. Take him out in the twenty degree weather and hose him down regularly."
"We could get Jensen and Jared to spray him in the penis."
"Nope!" Milo yelled. "They almost kill Owly."
After getting a few more recommendations for things to drink and getting his sucker, Sam loaded Milo back into the car and spent the next ten minutes listening to Dean talk about his penis. In all fairness, it was literally the second best penis in the world, but Sam really didn't care to hear all about it's many, many virtues. He was only concerned about Milo's penis and whether or not they were going to have him peeing on himself before they got back to the house.
When they did make it back home, Sam jumped out of the car and checked Milo out, but he was dry and still happily working on his sucker. Once they were inside Milo went to show the sucker off to everyone and Dean got back on his phone in what seemed to be an attempt to find out what was really wrong with Milo. While he wasted time doing that Sam went and did a little investigating of his own.
He went from bathroom to bathroom checking to make absolutely sure that Milo hadn't peed anywhere. He loved his baby boy more than anything, but the kid had worse aim than a blind sniper. Every toilet in the house was positively pristine just like Sam had left them. There was no way Milo had peed in any of them even if he said he did. Dean wasn't much of a cleaner unless Sam made him do it, so there was really only one other reasonable explanation.
After a little more searching Sam found Evan in his bedroom with an old cut up T-shirt and a bottle of Pledge. He had removed everything from the bookcases and was giving them a very thorough dusting. Sam wanted to applaud the initiative, but he was secretly kind of upset that Evan hadn't asked him if he wanted to help him clean because there was literally nothing else on the planet that made him happier, not even Dean's thick cashew dick.
"Hey, daddy!"
"Hey, buddy. Looking good."
"Daddy, I can't sleep in here with all this mess."
"Yeah." Sam said as he looked around the immaculate room. "I get that. Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Can you get the top of the bookcase?"
"Absolutely." Sam said before taking the rag. "Listen, did you clean any of the bathrooms?"
"You told me I'm not old enough to clean the bathrooms yet because of the chemicals even though they're all natural. Wait! Am I old enough now! This is so exciting!"
"Um, no, I'm still going to do that. Did you just maybe wipe up some pee?"
"I don't understand the question."
"Did you clean up pee?"
"I pee in the toilet."
"Right." Sam said as he dusted. "But did you see pee like...literally all over the place and then clean it up?"
"No." Evan replied. "Is this because I said the grout needed scrubbing?"
"No, but again, the grout doesn't need scrubbing."
"It's dingy."
"That is an absurd accusation and now you're punished!"
"Okay, daddy! See you later!"
Sam couldn't think of an appropriate punishment, so he was going to let the grout comment slide, for the third time in as many weeks. For the record, there was nothing dingy about Sam's house. It was true that the grout in the master bedroom was looking a little lackluster, but Sam had to give it a good scrubbing before he hired someone to redo the floors and that just seemed silly with the renovation coming up over the Summer. He was dealing with it as best he could, but Evan was very opinionated about the state the grout was in.
As Sam made his way back down the stairs he heard Dean arguing with no one rather loudly. Since he was sure it was Bruce or Nick calling back he began to rush towards the kitchen, but made an abrupt stop when he noticed just how awful one of his houseplants looked. It was winter and they all got a little limp and lazy because the heater was always on, but the one near the base of the stairs looked downright sad. The leaves were all yellow and brown and there were a couple of the floor behind the pot. The plant had always done well and Sam watered all the plants inside the house once a week, so he knew nothing had changed.
"Sammy!" Dean said as he rushed out of the kitchen. "Bruce says Milo isn't dying."
"Well, that's good news."
"No bacteria in his pee...Oh no, I guess if he doesn't have an infection he could still be dying."
"Look at my plant."
"Your fuckus tree?" Dean asked as he looked down. "Oh, that looks like shit."
"It's a ficus and..."
"Hey, daddy!" Milo said as he walked over. "Gotta pee."
"Oh!" Sam yelled. "Good! Let me take you!"
"A big boy. I got this."
"Uh...Milo, what are you..."
Without any hesitation or shame, Milo dropped his pants, whipped out his cashew and pissed directly into the potted plant. For the first few seconds Sam didn't say or do anything and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to respond to that anyway. Milo peed for a good minute, pulled his pants up, and then went to wash his hands. Sam heard the water running in the bathroom and then Milo was right back out and went to join the rest of the kids in the living room without saying a word.
When Sam looked up Dean was just kind of staring at the wall with a dumbfounded expression on his face. They had already managed to raised four boys who has never pissed in a potted plant and there was no good reason for Milo to be doing it. It was just about the strangest thing Sam had ever seen and he still had no idea what to say or what to do about it.
"Wow." Dean whispered. "I guess we finally have proof."
"Proof of what?"
"Well...Mikey and Ollie didn't pee in plants...Buster doesn't pee in plants...Ethan's a jerk and Milo...well..."
"What the hell are you trying to say."
"Quality over quantity." Dean nodded seriously. "You better get your kids in line."
"My kids!"
"Oh, in this scenario, Mary is mine. She likes me better anyway."
"Hey!"
"Evan's the only one you haven't totally screwed up. Way to go, Sammy."
"You better go talk to him about this!"
"Me? Talk to your precious little pudding pop? Your perfect little angel? Sammy, I'd love to help you out with this...but I don't want to."
Dean was having way too much fun and while Sam considered slapping the shit out of him that wasn't going to do any good because foreplay barely ever solved problems when it came to the kids. For the better part of a minute Dean went on and on about how Milo was just so perfect and precious and never did anything wrong and then to further illustrate his point he kicked the pot of the plant causing several leaves to flutter to the ground.
In the end they managed to come to a compromise. Dean agreed that they'd talk to Milo together and Sam agreed to do some things in the bedroom and more specifically in the shower that were too obscene to even mention. It made Dean giddy as hell though and Sam was willing to do just about anything to have a little help with Milo. Of course he always drew the line at pooping or puking, but luckily Dean hadn't ever expressed an interest in either and Sam wasn't really sure how that would work out anyway. He had thrown up on Dean before but he was like eight at the time and it was all corndogs. Either way they had come to a kinky compromise and now all they had to do was talk to Milo.
When Sam sat him down at the kitchen table he was looking sweeter than ever. After their adventure out of the house his bright red hair was kind of wind blown and his big blue eyes were extra blue and extra wide because Dean gave him a couple of animal crackers to snack on while they talked. He seemed completely oblivious to what he had done and what he had apparently been doing pretty regularly, which was also kind of cute, but Sam wasn't going to tolerate peeing in plants.
"You wait till Ethan hear about my cookies. Won't think he's got such pretty hair then. Daddy, he says he muh-guess-tic. Not even a little red though."
"Well, I'll beat his ass later." Dean said as he sat down. "So, you're peeing in plants."
"Dean!"
"Sammy, let me handle this so we can go upstairs and you can ficus all over me."
"Yeah, I water the plants. Helping out like Evan." Milo said before a thoughtful pause. "Ollie got all the rules about that walking hunk of bacon and the cat, me, I hate the cat."
"Uh...me too?"
"Don't touch the pig, don't poke the pig, don't put a sandwich on the pig. Spotty can sit with me and I scratch his ear because Evan is the nicest."
"That's true..." Sam whispered. "He's clearly the best."
"Agreed. Until Buster gets older Evan is the best. What does any of this have to do with you peeing in the plant?"
"I wanna help, short daddy."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Evan gets to help with the plants. I can't reach the pretty flowers in the glass room..."
"My orchids!" Sam screeched. "Tell me you didn't pee on my orchids!"
"I tried to, daddy! Can't get up there so when I get a chance I water the plants."
When Dean nodded seriously again, scratched his chin, and took an animal cookie, Sam wondered what they were supposed to do. Clearly Milo just wanted to help and thought he was helping, but they couldn't have him peeing in plants. It was bad enough that every time he got a little problematic John would remedy it by promising to let him pee outside. Sam didn't entirely approve of that either, but at least outside there was nothing to clean up and no plants to nurse back to health.
"Okay." Sam sighed. "You can help me and Evan with the plants and the orchids, we'll get you your own watering can."
"With sparkles?"
"Of course. But you can't pee anywhere except in the toilet and I do mean in it, not all over the place."
"If you don't stop peeing all over the place I'll hold your wiener with tongs again."
"No!" Milo gasped. "Not the tongs!"
"Yes." Dean nodded. "That was a rough time for all of us."
"And stupid." Sam mumbled. "Do we have a deal?"
"What about when I take a bathtub?"
"Let's work on that." Sam smiled. "And you can freely pee in the shower when you're in there taking a shower."
"Speaking of." Dean said as he jumped up. "Sammy, you look super thirsty. Let me get you three or four bottles of water...four I think."
"Really, Dean?"
"You promised! Michael! Watch all your assorted siblings."
Sam groaned and then kissed on Milo a little bit before sending him back to play with the rest of the kids. He was smart and he seemed to understand that peeing in the plants wasn't something he could do anymore. It was really cute that he wanted to help and if that's what he wanted to do, he was going to let him, because Sam was a sucker for a cute face and doing whatever it took to make his baby happy. That was one of his few faults, one that unfortunately sometimes made him do things he wasn't completely into.
"Okay." Sam said a few minutes later after his fourth bottle of water. "You ready for me, you sick, sick, puppy...Dean, what the hell?"
"What?" Dean asked from the shower. "I'm sitting on the floor of the shower with my mouth wide open."
"No!"
"Come on! You promised!"
"I said foot, maybe knee, no higher than the waist."
"What about in the butt."
"You say that like it's so easy for me to get a hardon when I have to pee this bad."
"Jared does it for Jensen..." Dean mumbled. "Wish someone loved me that much."
"Jared does not pee on or in Jensen."
"Anthony does."
"Does not!"
"Amy would."
"Well, yeah." Sam sighed. "Okay. All over, closed mouth, not the face, maybe in the butt afterwards."
"Then I get to do you?"
"Ugh." Sam groaned. "Fine, but just the feet. You're really weird, you know that, right?"
"Sammy, you'll sit in tub of diluted pee with Milo for an hour, but I'm weird because I want you to pee all over me?"
"Yes. Yes, exactly."
"Whatever." Dean said as he opened his mouth wider. "Come on big boy!"
"I am not peeing in your mouth!"
"Come on!"
After an exaggerated groan Sam undressed as slowly as he could and then got in the shower with Dean. At that point he had to pee so bad neither one of them had much choice in where it went and unfortunately Sam "accidentally" peed right in Dean's eye which caused him to scream and cry and immediately wash off his face. He was a total freak, but Sam loved him and in the end he watered him like a fuckus and even sort of enjoyed it a little.