(no subject)

[bitchandjerk]

Title: Drag Me To Hell
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen,
Rating :R
Words10,000/3,658,900
Warnings: Wincest
Summary: When the start date of the movie is jeopardized, Sam stops at nothing to keep everything on schedule.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard



If there was one thing Sam absolutely didn't understand it was what exactly he had done to make Dean hate him. For the record he didn't really understand Taylor Swift either, but that was another problem for another day. Dean was quite adamant that he actually loved Sam and gave him lots of kisses, but when you loved someone you didn't purposefully and maliciously torture them, expose them to unsafe conditions, and make their lives a living hell with a smile on your face. Sam knew hate, he hated olives, and Dean hated him.

For a quick minute Sam worried that he had done something to make Dean hate him, but that couldn't be true because he was practically perfect in everyway. He was a good dad, he always put out, and for someone who was recently elected king of the universe he had stayed humble and didn't let his God like powers go to his head. A lot of people called Sam the greatest hero that had ever lived, which was absolutely true, but apparently Dean didn't feel the same way. It was at that point Sam decided that divorce was the only option to deal with such a gross betrayal. It would be hard on the kids, but they'd get over it, especially when they found out they were moving to the city and that Auden would be their new daddy. Sam was going to miss sitting on Dean's face, but he was sure Auden could learn how to sex him right after some vigorous training.

"Sammy. Hey, Sammy. I got you a fancy coffee drink."

"I don't want it!" Sam said as he crossed his arms over his chest. "It's stupid and it tastes like poo."

"You love fancy coffee drinks. This is the wrong place to be a Mr. Grumpy. You don't want to give anyone the wrong idea."

"I don't care about anyone else except me and why you hate me!"

"Come on, just take a sip of your fancy coffee drink and you can have a biscotti."

"I don't eat other people's biscotti!" Sam spat. "This is without a doubt the meanest, cruelest thing you've ever done to me and I will never forgive you for as long as I live."

"I think you've overreacting."

"Never in my whole life have I ever overreacted to anything. You're worse than Hitler and Kanye."

Dean grinned wider and spent the next two minutes poking at Sam's lips with the straw that was sticking out of the coffee. Sam ignored him and kept turning away, but he turned in circles so many times that he started to get dizzy. Of course Dean didn't care if he was dizzy, he just kept on poking him with the straw. Sam shouldn't have been surprised, he did the same thing with his dick when he wanted head, which he so was only getting once or twice today. Ideally Sam wouldn't have given him head at all, but he was only human, and he couldn't risk what such a radical diet change would do to his system.

"Daddy." Ethan whined. "I don't understand."

"What's wrong?" Dean asked as he squatted down. "Look how cute you are in your bowtie."

"Why are we waiting in a line? We don't wait in lines. We don't wait for things. All these people should let us go first because daddy's rich and famous. Get money, trick."

"That's a bad attitude to have."

"No, it isn't!" Sam said before picking Ethan up. "My poor baby. Look at him. Look at Evan, he's going to have a complete psychotic breakdown any minute now. Will that make you happy, you inhuman monster!"

"Hi, daddy!"

Sam knew Evan was moments away from snapping, even if it appeared he was perfectly content playing with a little truck with Milo. Milo and Mary were both in their stroller and Evan was racing the truck back and forth across the front of it. Milo was laughing and clapping like it was the greatest thing he had ever seen, and Sam felt so bad for him because he was too young to be putting on a brave facade during what the history books would one day call the nation's darkest hour.

"This is a national crisis."

"Sammy, can you explain the problem to me?"

"I have three problems."

"Go on."

"First of all, I'm standing in a line. I don't do that, people stand in line to see me, not the other way around."

"That doesn't make you sounds like a giant d-bag."

"Two, we're in a freaking mall, and not even a good one. There's a Sbarro next to a Payless. Why is there a Payless in the mall? Also, I see a Chik-Fil-A down there and you know I'm going to have to shut that shit down."

"And three?"

"Three? Every person that passes gawks at me, takes a picture without my permission, and then tries to talk to me. Didn't you just beat up a 12 year old for taking pictures and now suddenly it's okay?"

"Sammy." Dean said calmly. "We're very lucky that out of all the malls in the world Santa is at this one, so we're going to keep waiting in this line until the kids get to see him and get their picture taken, and we're going to ignore people gawking at us."

"Us? Me. No one cares about you, especially me."

"You better check that attitude or Santa's lap is the only thing you're gonna be sitting on."

"I could have married Auden!"

"You don't think that corn fed hillbilly is doing the same thing we are right now?"

"He has money, he could have hired Santa to come to his nice warm house!"

"I'm not talking to you anymore." Dean said as he took Ethan. "Baby, I'm sorry I denied you my superior DNA."

"I thought you put all your DNA in daddy."

"Well, I used to, but not anymore."

"Yeah, right." Sam scoffed. "That'll last ten minutes."

"Go sit on the old man bench. I've had just about enough of your attitude."

"Gladly!" Sam said before snatching the coffee. "Evan, come and get me if you need a Xanax."

"What's a Xanax?"

"Ignore him." Dean sighed. "Come on, let's play I-Spy."

Before Sam walked away he pinched Dean as hard as he could right on his ass. Dean squealed a little and then adjusted himself in his jeans. Sam was going to have to punish him more, but that was going to have to wait until there were less witnesses. In the meantime Sam was going to happily sit on the old man bench, with everyone else who had been banished for complaining and/or was an old man. He was fine there and it wasn't like he was going to miss anything since the fucking line hadn't moved in almost a half hour.

"Stupid fat kids." Sam said as he sat down. "Look at that one, asking for all kinds of shit she doesn't need."

"Probably asking for cake." John scoffed. "That's a piss poor Santa. You know he's going to molest Mikey."

"I told Dean that!"

"Why would he molest Mikey and not the rest of them?" James asked. "Would they have a molester Santa at the mall?"

"All Santas are molester Santas, except for me. I'm Santa. This is my gig."

"You don't look like Santa."

"Oh, yeah? Your baby doesn't look like a stupid pioneer face, but I'm sure he's yours."

"How dare you!"

"I can't believe how much Dean hates us, after all the love and dick we've given him."

"Agreed." Sam sighed. "You don't even want to know what I did this morning before he tricked me into coming here."

"We can imagine." James muttered. "Slut."

"What did you call me!"

"A slut. That's what Dean told me you were, a filthy cum slut."

"Well, that was sweet of him, but that's no excuse for this mess."

"I'm the Santa." John said again. "I packed that costume for nothing!"

Sam put his arm around John in an attempt to comfort him, but Dean had been way too hurtful for it to make much of a difference. When Dean looked over and saw Sam hugging their poor abused elderly father he rolled his eyes and turned his back on both of them. He was such a little bitch, and if it took every resource available, Sam was going to exact swift and furious revenge.

John had been sent to the old man's bench for being old and complaining about how shitty the mall Santa was, but James was there because he wouldn't accept that Buster was superior to Henry in every sense of the word. He agreed that they were very equal and both totally dashing, but Dean was settling for no less than complete surrender. When James refused he had been banished, but Mikey was holding his spot in line so Henry could have his first picture with Santa.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Sam. I never wanted to have Dean."

"That doesn't surprise me at all. If I was still Jesus I'd go back in time and punch him right in the face."

"You should have thought about that when you spent all your energy going back in time so he could pop your cherry."

"Who's side are you on, James?" Sam asked. "He basically said Henry was ugly."

"He did not!"

"Well, not to your face."

"He called my baby ugly!"

Sam raised his eyebrows and shook his head giving his most noncommittal answer. Of course Dean hadn't said Henry was ugly, but James didn't need to know that. Henry was strapped in tight to his carrier and when he heard his name he looked over and then retreated like a turtle. For the record he was absolutely adorable, not cuter than Buster, obviously, but he was still pretty cute and just a little fat. That was where he maybe had an edge because Buster was very skinny.

"Oh, my God!" A girl said as she ran over. "You're Sam Winchester!"

"I'm Oscar winner and mediocre actor Jared Padalecki, you might remember me from such films as House of Wax and Dawson's 50 Load Weekend."

"You're Sam Winchester!"

"I wish. No, I'm just a poor polish immigrant taking jobs from hardworking Americans and I have a husband that actually loves me. Sam Winchester's husband hates him because he's so successful and good looking."

"Can I take a picture?"

"Go ahead." Sam sighed. "Do you want me to clap like a brain damaged seal and balance a ball on my nose?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just take the picture."

Sam was normally very accommodating with fans, but that girl was quite literally the 50th person to approach him. He was tired of talking to people and fake smiling for photographs. It was exhausting and Sam just wanted to be home hanging out in front of the fire in his pajamas. He freaking hated malls, especially around Christmas when a bunch of snot nosed kids were spreading germs that would inevitably get his sweet babies sick all over again, but Dean didn't care, he was going to make sure everyone got to see Santa.

After Sam posed with a big fake smile on his face the girl ran off to do whatever the hell she was doing in the mall. For a minute Sam thought about leaving with John since they had come in two cars, but that wasn't going to happen. He wasn't going to leave Dean alone with all the kids and John wasn't going to either. The whole mall atmosphere was too unsecure and Sam was really worried that something was going to happen. He didn't think total catastrophe was going to ensue, but there were just so many people around.

"Who the hell is texting me?" Sam said as he dug in his wallet. "I already complained to everyone I know that Dean tricked me into coming to the mall."

"Who is it?" John asked. "Is it Anthony? Tell him I'm wearing something sexy. Flannel."

"It's from Dean." Sam sighed. "It says "Go take a pic of your bussy and send it to me.""

"Good heavens." James whispered. "What on Earth is a bussy?"

"Really?"

"I'll watch the kids."

"Dad, I'm not doing that! Besides he's got enough pictures on his phone already."

"Is it like a..." James said before a dramatic pause. "Oh, I got it, bitch pussy, because you're a bitch. That's a vulgar word!"

"It's boy pussy. That cheap slut. I can't believe he would ask me to do something like that."

"Look at him over there." John said as he shook his head. "You know, I never wanted to have him."

When Sam looked up Dean was staring him down with his eyebrows suggestively going up and down. Sam was still mad, but it really wasn't fair to deny anyone a glimpse of his ass. Dean was going to have to wait though because Sam wasn't going anywhere by himself, he wasn't taking John into the bathroom so he could take a picture of his bussy, and he wasn't leaving the kids. When Sam shook his head to tell Dean it wasn't happening he looked completely devastated and dejected, which was totally understandable because the bussy was A+.

"You know, Ann lets me do things to her butt sometimes."

"Excuse me?"

"Tell us everything in explicit detail."

"Dad." Sam said as he shook his head. "No, because he will."

"Making love in her butt, touching it with my fingers, putting my face in it, those sorts of things."

"Holy crap." John whispered. "Where's Anthony when I need him?"

"You rim Ann? Really?"

"I suppose so, but it's not nearly as disgusting as you and Dean, I'm sure."

"How do you figure?"

"Because you two are sex perverts."

"Okay, that's fair."

"I love a good ass..."

"Stop!" Sam said as he covered John's mouth. "I don't want to know what you do to mom."

"Maybe mom does stuff to me."

"Oh, Christ, I'm safer waiting in line."

As Sam walked away he saw John poking at the air with two fingers while James nodded a little too enthusiastically. Sam decided to completely ignore that just like he planned on continuing to ignore Dean. The line had started to move some, but there were still three or four families in front of them. The kids looked totally over it, except for Ollie, who kept leaning out of the line to sneak peeks at Santa.

"He's still there." Sam said. "Do you remember what to do?"

"Ask for my present and tell him I'm a good boy, much better than Ethan."

"You can just tell him you're a good boy."

"Oh, he already knows about Ethan?"

"Probably."

"Okay, daddy, I'm ready."

"You're going to do great!" Dean said. "Now, does anyone want this fancy biscotti?"

"I'm still mad." Sam said as he snatched the biscotti. "And that text message was obscene."

"That bussy's obscene."

"Yeah, I know...three, four, five, six, seven...we're missing one, who's missing!"

"Michael went to pee." Mikey said. "With Alex...twenty minutes ago."

"Oh, Jesus. Dean, you let them go to the bathroom together?"

"I didn't think it was a big deal, but then they didn't come back. They'll be back soon. Michael knows how to get the job done."

"Who takes twenty minutes to pee?" Ethan asked. "Michael is going to miss Santa."

"I'm sure he'll be back, besides he's probably already sat on an old man's lap today."

"Speak of the red headed devil."

Alex and Michael were walking back towards the line and they had obviously been up to no good. As a ginger, it was impossible for Michael to exert himself without turning bright red. His cheeks were positively scarlet and his hair was all messed up like someone had been grabbing hunks of it and doing a lot of other totally unchristian things. Sam loved a good impromptu fuck, but he knew better than to do it in public, and so did Michael.

"Oh, the line moved." Michael said as he stood next to Dean. "Hey, Buster! I get to hold you, baby brother!"

"Your Christianity has been compromised." Dean whispered. "I can smell him on your breath!"

"Boy, that's an altoid. You need to stay in your lane."

"I, more than anyone, can appreciate a good bathroom break, but this is neither the time nor the place."

"What are you two talking about?" Alex asked. "We bought a present and had to bring it to the car."

"Yeah, not all of us are sex perverts!"

"Speaking of." Alex said before leaning close to Dean. "You get a pic of that bussy or what?"

"No, he said it was obscene."

"I'm sorry, dude."

"It's okay." Dean shrugged. "I guess I just don't deserve nice things."

"Aw!" Michael frowned. "Why are you do mean to him?"

"Seriously?" Sam asked. "You talked to our child about this?"

"I just wanted something beautiful for Christmas!"

Dean threw himself into Michael's arms and began to wail like a spoiled child. Instead of paying any attention to him, Sam did what he did best and completely ignored him in favor of someone more handsome. Buster was in his car seat and didn't appreciate everyone towering over him like giants. The front of the line was getting closer and closer, due to some children who respected time limits, so Sam picked him up and made sure he was looking extra adorable in his little outfit, which was actually just a onesie with a tie attached to the front of it.

"Did you do anything?" Sam asked as he smelled Buster's pants. "All clear! Who's going to see Santa? It's you! Are you going to be a good boy?"

Buster had this thing where he'd looked incredibly judgmental whenever anyone was talking to him. He kind of gummed at the side of his bottom lip and gave some seriously dubious stank eye, which was just precious. Since Sam didn't like being judged, he gave Buster a bunch of kisses all over his face and got a little baby chuckle in return. Everyone was going to look so cute in their picture with Santa, but Buster's over the top adorableness, finally made Sam feel like he hadn't been horribly betrayed by Dean.

"Hey."

"What?" Dean asked as he straightened the bow in Mary's hair. "Who's a princess?"

"Me, daddy!"

"I'm glad you dragged me kicking and screaming to the mall so the kids could see Santa."

"Huh."

"I'm sorry I called you Hitler."

"And the uh..." Dean said before he leaned in to whisper. "The bussy?"

"I'll make sure the camera's fully charged before we go to bed tonight."

"Merry Christmas, daddy." Dean grinned. "I do love making movies."

Sam accepted a quick kiss on the cheek and made a mental note to do some crunches before bed so he'd look tight on camera. After another ten minutes Sam was finally at the front of the line where he belonged. It took another five minutes to get everyone situated for the picture, which was adorable, and then ten more minutes for everyone to take a turn on Santa's lap.

Even though the mall had been a total pain in the ass, it was worth it to see how excited all the kids were to talk to Santa. Even Mikey sat on his lap and did an incredible job of making everyone believe that he believed. Sam wasn't so sure he was going to do it, but he had bit the bullet for the sake of the rest of the kids. Everyone got to ask for one present, and Dean was the only one who got molested, but that happened on the way back to the car, so Sam thought all in all the excursion had been a success.

Dean loved Christmas so much, he always had, but after having kids he loved it even more. He loved big trees and lots of hot cocoa and that feeling of anticipation when you went to bed on Christmas eve. Pretty much the only thing he didn't loved about Christmas was wrapping presents. In fact it was safe to say that he fucking hated it. Not only did Sam think bags were tacky, so everything had to be actually boxed and wrapped, but it wasn't like Dean could hang out with the kids while he was doing it. He had to hang out with stupid adults and then he could only hang out with the adults that had passed Sam's intensive six hour wrapping class. Dean still wasn't sure how he had passed, but it probably helped that he was sucking the professors dick on the reg.

"I'll wrap this little one for Mary and..."

"Don't you dare, old man!" Dean said as he pointed with a pair of scissors. "He's going to be back here in five minutes and I don't have the strength to deal with him screeching at you."

"You have no control of your relationship. You're cock whipped."

"I'm bussy whipped, get it right."

When John attempted to wrap one of the presents Dean grabbed a roll of wrapping paper and smacked him over the head with it. John immediately began to whine because his glasses got knocked off, but Dean ignored him and made sure Alex was wrapping the presents correctly. His tape placement left a lot to be desired and his corners were nowhere near sharp enough, but he had improved since last year. He wasn't so bad, and Dean was just slightly better, but of course Sam was like some present wrapping prodigy, unfortunately, there wasn't enough time left before Christmas for him to wrap everything.

"What did you get Michael?"

"Oh, we decided not to get each other presents." Alex said without looking up. "We don't really need anything, so we're going to save money for the baby."

"Your dad left you almost a hundred million dollars."

"And doesn't Michael make thousand of dollars a month from his YouTube channel?"

"Shh!" Dean hissed at John. "Sam could walk in here any minute!"

"I don't understand what the big deal is."

To be fair, John didn't understand much of anything about the internets. He wasn't an internets authority like Dean was. Some time around his birthday Michael and Ryan had gotten the idea to start a youtube channel where they talked about shit and ate stuff and did things. It was the weirdest most random shit Dean had ever seen and because Michael was Michael, the channel had become incredibly popular seemingly overnight. Dean really had no idea how Sam hadn't found it yet, and he was hoping he never would.

Michael had done three or four videos where he donned a brown wig, put on his best suit, and did what he called "Sam Spoofs." It was some of the funniest shit Dean had ever seen and Michael was just having fun, but undoubtedly Sam wasn't going to see it that way. Michael poked fun at all the things Sam held most dear like windexing light bulbs, baking for three months straight, or labeling everything in the freaking house including the label maker and the shelf the label maker sat on.

"You know how Sam is."

"Is it because of Milo?" John asked. "Because that's my favorite part."

"Gabbin' with Gingers is the cornerstone of his Tuesday night lineup."

"It is a great show." Dean said as he nodded seriously. "They both have a lot of very valid points."

Michael's videos with Milo were almost as fun as the ones he made making fun of Sam. In the videos Michael and Milo sat down in the living room and discussed very important social and political topics, such as having beautiful hair, being handsome, and of course, loving Sam. Once they had even managed to trick Mikey into participating, and then spent the next five minutes laughing at him because he had blonde hair. The next week they did the same thing to Ethan, who would have told everything to Sam if Michael hadn't bribed him with a whole box of Oreos.

"You know they asked me to be a guest." John said proudly. "Finally getting some respect around here."

"They're literally going to tell you that you have poo colored hair and laugh at you for five minutes. You know that, right?"

"Wow, you're super jealous of all my success."

"I filmed an episode right after Thanksgiving." Alex said. "Milo hit me with a plastic bat and told everyone I pee my pants."

"That's some hard hitting reporting right there."

"What is?"

When Dean looked up Sam was making his way into the carriage house with eight hundred rolls of wrapping paper and a huge thermos of coffee. Dean had no idea how his big ass had snuck in without making any noise, and he was hoping he hadn't heard much. As always he looked adorably confused and dumb and he was easily distracted by Alex's piss poor wrapping job as well as John's proximity to the unwrapped presents. Dean was so clearly the only one who could be trusted and it gave him a great deal of what they called "Christmas pride."

"Alex, if you don't do a better job I'm not going to let you wrap presents anymore."

"Oh, no, that would be the worst! I'd hate to be inside with my hot jailbait lover and his ass. Please, Sam, give me another chance?"

"Is that sarcasm?"

"No! I really do love being held out here against my will without a nice ass to keep my face warm. It's the best!"

"Dean, are you going to let this bitch talk to me like this?"

"Alex, stop being a bitch. I'll sit on your face if it comes to that."

"Anyway." Sam sighed. "Speaking of hot asses, Michael has apparently worn Jason's hot ass down."

"Oh?"

"He's coming up at the end of the week."

"Oh, thank God!" Dean groaned. "I thought Michael was going to..."

"And he's bringing Angie."

"I'm out." Alex said as he stood up. "I have to go deal with this. Later potato heads."

Alex walked right out of the carriage house and Sam let him go. Michael had been going on and on about Jason not coming to Vermont and all he wanted was to spend some time with his brother. Obviously all the whining and cajoling had paid off, but Angie wasn't part of the deal. Dean was glad Alex went to deal with Michael because he was probably very upset. Dean couldn't handle that and he didn't really want to because he couldn't bring himself to tell Michael to calm down and grow up.

"What happened?"

"He was all excited then I guess Jason said Angie would drive them up here. Now he's upset because Christmas is just for family."

"Did you tell him that..."

"Dean, I can't tell him anything else. His mind is made up. Didn't we agree to let him sort this out on his own?"

"Yeah, when we assumed he'd start acting like an adult. Was he crying?"

"Of course he was crying, it's Michael."

Normally when one of the kids was crying Dean was all over it because comforting kids was the most important part of his job as super dad. He was very tempted to go and make sure Michael was okay, but instead he grabbed another present and went right back to wrapping. Not only could Alex handle it on his own, but if Dean went in there it was going to become an even bigger deal. It was so weird because after everything he had been through Michael was so strong and level headed, but when it came to Jason he was unnecessarily dramatic and unreasonable. Dean knew that a big part of the dramatics was to get everyone on his side, but unfortunately there weren't sides to pick. Jason hadn't done anything wrong, and Michael was ultimately just being really selfish. Dean loved him, but he wasn't going to condone that kind of behavior in any of his children.

"When they get here we have to do everything we can to get Angie to open up. Michael would like her if she would let anyone get to know her."

"How the hell are we supposed to do that, Sammy? I've had imaginary friends that were more talkative. Then she's going to be in a new place with all those damned kids yelling and screaming and doing stuff."

"I don't see why we don't just burn down Jason's apartment." John said casually. "That way he has to move back in with Michael."

"Seriously?"

"You got a better idea, forehead?"

"It's not a bad idea..."

"Dean. Don't encourage him."

The scary thing about John's plan was that he had given it way too much thought for it to be a spur of the moment kind of thing. He knew that four other people lived in the same complex, who had kids, and what time of day everyone was going to be at work or school. He even had a very detailed plan on how to contain the fire to Jason's apartment and the best way to save the expensive television Sam had bought. It actually wasn't a bad plan, it was fucking crazy of course, but it wasn't bad at all.

"And Jason loves firetrucks."

"We're not committing arson!" Sam yelled. "I feel like I shouldn't have to say that as often as I do."

"Then you come up with a better idea."

"We find someone new for Alex and then Michael and Jason can get married."

"You know what's sad?" Dean asked. "That would be so much easier to deal with."

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on who was asked, Michael and Jason were just brothers. Dean found the whole thing super weird, but there was a chance he was letting his own experience color his opinion. If Michael was having a relationship problem Dean knew how to deal with that, you either got what you wanted or found something else. Michael had plenty of other brothers, and it wasn't like he had lost Jason, but that was how he was acting.

"Michael doesn't think Jason's ready to live on his own, which he is, and I think he's also worried that Jason being independent means he doesn't need him anymore, which he does."

"And he's guilty."

"About what?"

"Well, Jason spent all that time in jail." John said. "Michael can't do anything to give him that time back. What he can do is take care of Jason, which Angie is doing now and she's a giant reminder of that whole God body hijacking thing...I think I'm smarter than either of you."

"Me too." Sam said cautiously. "I didn't think about that."

"There are a dozen reasons why he's not okay with this and there's nothing we can do to make it better. He's got to get over it."

"We can make it better." Sam said. "We have to get Angie to open up."

That was the second time Sam mentioned getting Angie to open up, but she wasn't a jar of pickles and Dean couldn't just whack her on the counter. There was a chance she was always going to remain guarded around everyone in the family, all that mattered was that she had a good relationship with Jason and it seemed like they were just fine. It would have been nice for her and Michael to get along, but at the end of the day he didn't really matter all that much.

With Sam back in the carriage house where he belonged the present wrapping went a lot quicker. John continually tried to assist and was rebuffed over and over again. It was nice hanging out and chatting, but Dean had been away from the kids for almost an hour and he was getting a little twitchy. They were perfectly fine with James and Buster had just gone down for his afternoon nap, but Dean wanted to get back to them and his ringing phone gave him the perfect excuse.

"I gotta take this, it's a secret."

"In the bathroom."

"I'll go outside."

"Bathroom." Sam pointed. "You're not leaving me to wrap all these presents."

"You're the worst."

Dean huffed and puffed all the way into the bathroom and then shut the door behind him. He briefly considered climbing out the window, but with his luck he'd probably end up stuck or with a broken leg in the snow covered bushes. He was just going to have to deal with wrapping the presents, but he had to deal with Larry who never called him. He always called Sam, and Dean was more than a little nervous.

"Merry Jew Christmas!"

"Slightly offensive."

"What's up?" Dean asked. "Make it quick, I'm hiding in the bathroom."

"We have a problem."

"Well, good thing you're a problem solver."

"Usually." Larry sighed. "Jensen's agent called me. Apparently he's been putting off knee surgery for quite a few years now and his doctor wants him to have it as soon as possible."

"Oh, fuck..."

"But not to worry, he'll be ready to film in the middle of February."

"How convenient."

"Has he ever said anything about needing knee surgery?"

"No. He will after Sam goes after him with a baseball bat."

"Technically he's in breach of contract, especially if he's lying."

"He wouldn't lie to us." Dean said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "But he would tell his agent to make something up."

Dean knew there was no way Jensen would ever lie to them, but he'd have no problem letting someone else handle the dirty work. Unfortunately for him, Sam relished in doing the dirty work and he had already been quite forthcoming about the lengths he was willing to go to keep the movie on schedule. He was going to shit a fucking brick right before he dragged Jensen to hell. It was a good thing he wasn't all omnipotent anymore because he may have literally dragged him to hell just to get his way.

"Put on your big boy pants. I know he's your friend, he's a great guy and I understand where he's coming from, but we're already on too tight a schedule. Six weeks is a long time and we've all worked too hard and Sam has done too much for all of us to have his name on a mediocre movie."

"I agree." Dean said. "So you put on your big boy pants and deal with this."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Call the lawyers and deal with it. Sam is stressed enough, I'm not telling him anything."

"We don't have a movie without them, you know that, right?"

"And neither of them have a career if they piss off Sam. I love him, but fuck is he vindictive."

Larry groaned a little, said he'd work on things, and hopefully call back with some good news. Dean was really pissed off because he expected so much more from Jensen. He got that he wanted more time with the kids, Dean, more than anyone knew what they was like, but business was business, and Sam's business wasn't something you fucked around with. Worse than that, if the movie got delayed, Sam's fans were going to be disappointed, and he was never going to let them down. Their money, their support, had made everyone in Sam's big business extremely comfortable, including Jensen, who was fabulous, but his career had been really taken off after Sam made him a superstar.

After peeing and admiring his gorgeous mug in the mirror, Dean washed his hands and stepped out of the bathroom, where he practically slammed into Sam. He looked absolutely furious and Dean knew he had about five second to make some shit up. Of course, that meant he'd have to lie and that Sam would see right through him and then probably not give him any kisses for the rest of the day. Dean knew he hadn't mentioned Jensen by name and Sam had probably only heard one muffled half of a very quiet conversation, but he had heard enough.

"Stalker much?" Dean asked. "You knew my dick was out and you couldn't stay away."

"What was that about?"

"A special Christmas present."

"You lie, you never lied so damn much!"

"It's nothing we have to worry about. Look! Dad's trying to wrap a present!"

"I don't care." Sam said without looking back. "Who was that on the phone, Dean?"

"It was Larry, Jensen hurt himself."

"Is he okay?"

"Well, he might need surgery."

"Dean, I've known you for thirty-two years. You're a terrible liar."

"I'm an awesome liar!"

"Not to someone who spend most of his day inside of you."

"Fine, Sammy. That was Larry, Jensen is saying he needs knee surgery and he'll be out of commission for six weeks."

Dean actually sort of shielded himself because he was almost positive that Sam was going to shoot the messenger or at least lash out. He didn't do much of anything, he just took in the information, let out a somewhat ragged breath, and stayed perfectly still. He didn't physically react to the news, but Dean could see something absolutely terrifying in his eyes. They looked like they had gone two shades darker and he looked like he was seconds away from blowing the fuck up. Dean waited, but Sam said nothing, he just went and sat back on the floor to work on the presents. Dean followed at a safe distance and exchanged a terrified glance with John, who was sitting awfully close to the danger zone.

"Sammy." John said cautiously. "What's going on, big guy?"

"It's fine." Sam said calmly. "Personally I don't like to shit all over people, but I'm not one to judge if that's your thing."

"Well, I think..."

"If you want to bite the hands that feeds you that's fine. It's not my style, I couldn't live with myself if I was letting so many people down, but whatever."

"Okay." Dean whispered. "Just uh...um..."

"I'll call Larry later." Sam smiled. "It's fine, it's no big deal. I thought something like this might happen and I already have a solution."

"Oh, that's good." John said as he patted Sam's back. "What is it?"

"Oh, it's simple." Sam laughed. "Jensen's fired, we'll replace him with someone who wants a job."

"Wha...what?"

"Fired." Sam said again. "People are going to see my movie whether or not he's in it and they're going to see it on the day I promised them. It's happening with or without him. I'm the only person involved with the movie that's irreplaceable. Dad, grab me that tape, please."

"Sammy, you..."

"You're right." John said interrupting Dean. "You're absolutely right, Sam."

"Thank you."

Dean was about to voice some serious concerns, but John gave him the eyes, the same eyes that when he was a child said "Shut the hell up if you know what's good for you." Sam went right back to wrapping and Dean decided to join in and stay quiet, but he was uneasy and nervous wondering if Sam's loyalty to his fans was more important than his friendship with Jensen.

It took most of the day and several lies to get the presents all wrapped, but with Dean and Alex's help, Sam managed to get it done. The kids, especially Milo, was very concerned with what Sam had been up to, but like any smart daddy he had a ready made list of excuses that included that were not limited to, diarrhea, a rogue black bear in the woods that needed help, and taking John to an old man doctor for a checkup. Ethan and Evan seemed somewhat suspicious, but Sam had Oreos to deal with them and after some cookies and a few more little white lies no one had any other questions.

With the presents out of the way and Christmas right on schedule, Sam sat down at the computer in his office and penned a very professional and friendly email to Jensen, informing him that if he attempted to violate his contract he would be unceremoniously fired and replaced. Just to really drive the point home Sam made absolutely certain that Jensen knew that if it came to that his name was going to be drug through the mud, into the Earth and straight down into hell. Sam had promised to let Dean read the letter first, but accidents happened, and the first draft got sent without anyone else's input.

Fifteen minutes later when Sam was putting the finishing touches on dinner Dean barged into the kitchen like some short wild animal. His face was bright red and he was clutching his phone so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. He didn't even have to say anything to the kids he just snapped his fingers and they scattered like roaches when the lights came on. Michael was the only one who stayed and that was only because Sam had already yelled at him twice to get a move on trimming the asparagus.

"I know that, Jared. No one is calling him a liar. I know he wouldn't lie to us..."

"I called him a liar." Sam said. "He's lying."

"Shut the hell up!" Dean hissed as he covered the phone. "Jared, just put him on the phone. He's what? Well, tell him to stop crying because he's a grown ass man and to unlock the bathroom door."

"Why can't you be nice?" Michael asked. "Jensen is a nice man."

"Listen we all know you want to fuck him and that's adorable, but you mind the asparagus and your own business."

"That is so rude!"

"I don't hear you denying it." Sam smiled. "This is going to be one of the most expensive movies ever made, I'm not letting anyone fuck that up because they want to stay home and play mommy."

"Dad, you're really mean. You can finish the asparagus yourself."

"Oh, did you learn to not honor commitments from your boyfriend, Jensen Ackles?"

"Mean!"

"You finish that asparagus or you go to bed without dinner."

"I'm a grown ass man! Alex! I want to go to Olive Garden like rich white women!"

Michael removed his apron and then threw it onto the ground, which was the most insulting thing Sam had ever seen. He briefly considered throwing a loaf of French bread at him, but he zipped out of the kitchen like his ass was on fire barely pausing to give Dean a quick kiss on the cheek. Dean was still on the phone and it seemed like he was on hold, but Sam honestly didn't care what was going on, he had said what he needed to say and he had dinner to worry about.

"He said what!" Dean screamed into the phone. "Jared, he's not going to do that, I promise. Yes, I agree, he's being a dick...no, I don't think he cares if you're not his best friend anymore."

"Or if I ever was." Sam scoffed. "That little ginger bastard left half these asparagus untrimmed."

"Jared, let me call you back. Try to get him out of the bathroom. I don't fucking know, tell him the babies need him...oh, he took them with him into the bathroom and all three of them are crying? Okay, well...deal with that. I'll call you back."

Dean slammed his phone down so hard on the counter that Sam spotted a tiny crack in the bottom of the screen. Sam may have just possibly maybe acted a tiny bit hastily, and honestly he never intended to make Dean angry, he just needed to lay down the law. He was completely serious about replacing Jensen if it came to that, the point of the email was insure it didn't come to that.

"You are some kind of asshole."

"Excuse me?" Sam asked. "You might want to rephrase that and remember who washes your clothes and cooks your dinner."

"And you fucking remember who takes care of our kids."

"Oh, you're going straight for the balls." Sam said as he wiped off his hands. "Let me explain something to you, Dean."

"Oh, please, explain it to poor dumb Dean."

"This." Sam said as he pointed around. "This house, the clothes on your back, the shit in your hair, the kids you tuck in every fucking night, the food your family is about to eat is because of..."

"You, I know, it's all you!"

"It's not fucking me, it's every person who stood in line at midnight to see these fucking movies, or bought a book or a pair of underwear or a bottle of cologne. It's every person who runs a website, organizes a convention, and buys a magazine because they love what we do. It'll be a cold day in hell before I let them down even for a fucking day."

"They matter more than your friends?"

"Our friends didn't get us here. You can tell yourself whatever you want, but without all those people out there all this goes away. You want to go back to working sixteen hour days at a fucking garage? You want to go back to some tiny little duplex and the layaway so we can have Christmas?"

"No, but I'd really like to go back thinking you're the kind of man who would never do anything to hurt his friend."

"How can you..."

"You know, never ending salad and breadsticks sounds like a pretty good idea to me."

"I have a roast in the oven."

"Enjoy it!"

"You're not walking away from me, Dean!"

Dean defiantly grabbed his phone, dramatically turned, and stormed right back out of the kitchen leaving Sam in a state of complete and utter shock. First of all Olive Garden was fucking terrible. Secondly, Sam's roast was delicious, and perhaps most importantly Dean never walked away from a fight angry. In all the years they were together Sam could remember maybe two or three times when it came to that and they were fucking rough. He was extremely tempted to run after Dean and have a calm civilized conversation, but Sam had to stick to his guns.

One by one the kids filed back into the kitchen accompanied by the various adults. James had Henry and John was protectively holding Buster close to his chest. Mary and Milo actually walked in holding hands and he was looking especially sheepish. Everyone went back to what they were doing and Evan made quick work of the asparagus before tossing them in the pan of simmering water. Sam felt tense all over and it just got worse when they sat down to eat and no one was sitting in Dean's chair. In a perfect world the tense silence would have continued, but life was far from perfect.

"You made daddy run away!"

"Daddy went to dinner with Michael and Alex." Sam told Ollie. "He'll be back."

"Because he loves me!"

"That's what I heard."

"Daddy." Mikey said before clearing his throat. "What if Jensen really is hurt and..."

"We're not talking about this over dinner. It's nothing any of you need to worry about. Daddy will be back soon, he just doesn't like asparagus because it makes his pee stink."

"It makes all our pee stink." Ethan said before looking over at Mary. "What about you, chick?"

"I don't smell my pee, Ethan!"

"Girls are weird."

"You are!"

When Mary and Ethan began to argue over who was weirder for not wearing dresses or not smelling their pee, Sam completely zoned out and stayed that way for the next five or so minutes. After pushing his food back and forth he left John in charge and left the kitchen to go stand outside in the cold. It was freaking brutal out there, but it very quickly cleared his head and gave him an opportunity to think.

He had acted impulsively with the email and it was maybe a little harsh, but Sam was dead serious about not letting the fans down. He had been disappointed plenty in his life, especially when he was younger and he knew he had a lot of younger fans. Whether he liked it or not Sam had become a role model to millions of people all over the world, people who had made him very comfortable and he refused to let them down. They deserved his very best and when he made promises he always kept them.

As popular as Sam was, there was no use in pretending the movie could be made with anyone besides Jensen and Jared. For a minute Sam had convinced himself otherwise, but then he kept imagining trailers with someone else playing Jensen's role or worse, making out with Jared and it was just weird and wrong. He was irreplaceable and moving the start date of the movie wasn't an option so Sam was going to have to come up with a plan C, which once he thought about it came a little too easily.

"What the hell do you want?" Jared asked when he answered the phone. "Want to pinch my babies or call them stupid?"

"Yes, Jared, can you put them on the phone so I can call them stupid?"

"You're a real jerk! I heard you say you're not my best friend and you know what? Whatever!"

"You know I didn't mean that. I love you."

"Only because having a minority friend makes you look cool."

"And because you're a good friend."

"You're damned right I am. You have a lot of nerve calling Jensen a liar."

"The last time I saw him he was wrestling with Dean in the dining room at Nobu, how exactly did this injury flare up?"

"We were buttfucking, if you must know."

"Jared, I know you're into doggy style, and I don't think it's the first time you've gone deep south on him."

"I was in character."

"You play Dean. You should be on your hands and knees."

"Shut up, Sam! He's not a liar! He hurt himself real bad."

"Uh-huh, what's the doctor's name?"

"Dr. Howser."

"Howser." Sam said. "Like Doogie?"

"He's hurt bad!"

"Put him on the phone, you pain in the ass. And get better at acting before my movie starts!"

"It's our movie!"

"Tell that to months I spent writing it, pretty boy."

Sam heard quite a bit of grumbling, too much for his tastes, some whining, a little whimpering, and then some of the most absolutely pathetic noises the human body was capable of making. That was followed by a few scared kitten sounds, but Sam ignored them because he wasn't going to talk to anyone until they spoke to him like an adult and not some little whining kitten bitch.

"Jerk..."

"I appreciate your dedication to this act, Jensen, but I'm missing dinner with my family to talk to you, so put on your balls and start acting like a man."

"Oh, you can't miss dinner, but I can miss months with my babies, who you're so obviously jealous of."

"Why is that?"

"I got two of them."

"I have two identical ones, then two more that match. Don't try to out baby make me, it can't be done. I have a dick made out of magic."

"I don't really want to talk to you right now."

"Likewise. I want to be inside with my kids and not worried that Dean's going to eat so much pasta that he gets fat because I can't handle that."

"And now you're making fun of me because of that time I gained thirty pounds!"

"In a month. You gained thirty pounds in a month."

"Shut up!"

For the next five minutes Sam stood outside in the cold and listened to Jensen rattle off all the reasons his life was so hard, why he had gained thirty pounds that one time, and that without him, his whole family, Jared included were never going to survive. Again Sam just let him ramble because it was hard to get a word in and he figured if he did say something Jensen would start making kitten noises again.

"Dallas might have brain swelling!"

"He's Jared's! That's why his head is so big!"

"Oh, so now my baby has a big head? Now my other baby is bowlegged and short!"

"Jensen, shut up. Christ, I totally understand why Jared's always shoving his dick in your mouth."

"How dare you!"

"In order to accommodate your very serious and totally legitimate knee injury, I think we can move things around we'll put off filming your scenes for three weeks. I'm sure everyone else won't mind having their schedules changed and if they do, we'll deal with it."

"Doctor says..."

"There's no doctor, Jensen! If you could hurt your knee butt fucking you and Dean would be in matching wheelchairs! Stop being such a little whiney bitch and start acting like a professional."

"Four weeks."

"Three." Sam said. "I don't negotiate, you take it or leave it."

"Fine."

"And if you have to work an eighteen hour day to get this fucking movie done on time you're going to do it with a smile on your face and one single man tear rolling across your cheek, you understand me?"

"Of course I do, I'm a professional."

"Good, see you in a month. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

Sam hung up and practically threw his phone back in his pocket. He really did feel like a dick, when he had no reason to. He was trying to get shit done, he was always trying to get shit done and it seemed like no one ever had a problem with it until it was inconvenient for them. Everyone involved with the movie was making out like bandits while Sam was left feeling like he was the only person who cared about getting it done right and on time. Jensen had wanted to postpone it a whole year with absolutely no regard for the people who had made it possible for him to have everything he had.

It pissed Sam off and he was pissed off at Dean too for not siding with him. He had completely lost his appetite and decided to just go sit with the kids while they finished eating but on the way back inside Sam spotted Dean sitting in the family room completely dressed to leave the house staring at the Christmas tree. He had on his big coat and his hat to brave the weather, but apparently he had decided against leaving.

"What happened to your breadsticks?"

"They left without me."

"Why didn't you call them to come back and pick you up?"

"I didn't want to ruin their romantic evening out."

"Olive Garden isn't really romantic."

"It used to be." Dean said as he looked up. "You used to love Olive Garden."

"I'm going to say this one more time, because quite frankly I'm getting a little sick of it. This has nothing to do with money. You constantly implying it does, is pissing me off and your four thousand dollar boots make you seem like a huge hypocrite."

To be fair, Sam never loved Olive Garden, he loved going out with Dean and splurging on dinner, but that had little to do with what restaurant they were at as long as they were together. While Dean stared at his very expensive boots Sam left the living room and returned to the kitchen so he could finish dinner. He was aggravated enough and if he went to bed hungry he was just going to be more upset. After five minutes Dean joined the party amid a round of cheers from the children who were very glad he hadn't abandoned them.

"I'm not going to eat salty pasta when Sammy made this roast."

"Where are your shoes, daddy?" Ollie asked. "You don't have on shoes."

"I took them off so my tootsies would breathe."

"Everything okay?" John asked. "We back on track?"

"I gave Jensen three more weeks to spend with the kids, we'll just film what we can until he comes back to work."

"There's a lot of the script neither one of them are in."

"Exactly."

"That's a good compromise, Sammy."

"Thank you, Dean."

"I'm sorry." Dean said as he looked up. "I know how stressful this is and I know you want it to be perfect and Jensen did try to weasel his way out of the contract he signed."

"It's over and done with. Milo, eat that asparagus, mister!"

"I hate it! I need surgee."

"You don't need surgery."

"Come on, daddy!"

"Fine, but you still have to eat your asparagus."

Milo made a rat face and then begrudgingly ate all of his asparagus and three whole bites of his roast which was better than he did most nights. The rest of the kids ate dinner without much comment on their pee and whether or not it would stink and then instead of staying around to help clean up, the tore ass back to the living room with James and John under the guise of having Christmas stuff to do. Sam wasn't buying that for a second, but he did appreciate the alone time with Dean, who looked a full foot shorter without his shoes on.

"What's the deal with the shoes?"

"You made me feel bad for being so fancy."

"I made you feel bad?" Sam asked. "Is that what happened?"

"Sammy, you can't stand there and pretend you're the same person you were before the money."

"We've had this for almost ten years Dean. No one is the same person they were ten years ago. We have this life because I know what I'm doing and I know not to bite the hand that feeds me."

"You act like you discovered Jensen, he was doing just fine before..."

"I didn't do anything for him. The people counting the days until the movie comes out did. Without them he'd still be on television, both of them would."

"That's really mean."

"It's really honest. I know he's your friend, but with or without me, every actor or musician or writer is nothing without their fans. What is it you don't understand about that?"

"I don't understand why his feelings don't mean more to you."

"I can't do this anymore with you." Sam laughed. "I don't know how else I can explain this. You're acting like I hate him when you know how much both of them mean to me. This is business, Dean. I am a business. We are a business. If someone doesn't show up for work everything goes to shit."

"Okay."

"Do you get that?"

"No."

"Fine. He's got three weeks, he's fine with that, let's just forget about it."

"Okay." Dean said. "I'll do the dishes."

As Dean got to work on rinsing the dishes Sam finished clearing the table and they both did so in silence. Sam knew that Dean absolutely understood everything he had said, he was just refusing to accept things as they were so he wouldn't come off looking like a bad friend. Unfortunately blindly supporting Jensen was just making him look slightly ignorant. Sam would have liked some support himself and while he was annoyed as all hell, he was still pretty happy that out of everyone he could have ended up with he had married someone so stupidly and fiercely loyal to the people he loved.