Surprise Mikey Monday!
Almost to 30k on my nanowrimo novel, decided to take a break and post a story here.
Title:Mikey the Vegan
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen,
Rating :R
Words10,000/3,618,900
Warnings: Wincest
Summary: When all the kids turn in their lists for Santa, Mikey requests something that threatens to tear the family apart.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard
No one was ever going to argue that Sam loved his many, many children very, very much. It was always love at first sight and there wasn't a single thing he could think of that would ever make him not love the kids. Unconditional love was something he only had with the kids because at least twice a day Sam thought about leaving Dean, marrying some middle eastern prince, and really living the luxurious life. Of course then Dean would goose him or his eyes would get all crinkly and Sam would decide to stay at least for another week or so just to get another crack at that high tight ass.
It was the first week in December when Sam started to think that while he loved his kids unconditionally it was completely acceptable to not like them all the time. He felt terrible until John admitted to not liking Dean all that much, Carol was completely over Bruce at least once a year, and Dean didn't really see the point in keeping Milo around. Sam felt better for a day or two but then he had a terrible dark thought about knocking Ethan over, sitting on his head, and mustering up like a little half fart or something.
Sam's problem, or rather Ethan's problem, was actually Dean's fault. Because Buster was barely clinging to life and couldn't be expected to do things like riding in the car for five hours, Christmas in Vermont had been effectively canceled. Dean insisted that Christmas in Connecticut was going to be just as much fun and everyone was going to have a great time. He then tabled the discussion by telling everyone that his decision was final.
Vermont was so beautiful at Christmas and all of Sam's super fancy decorations were there. They had decorations in Connecticut of course, but Sam had the good stuff in Vermont. He wanted the brutal Winter storms where round the clock cocoa was absolutely mandatory, he wanted a big Christmas dinner in his big Vermont kitchen, and he wanted the kids in the family room opening presents around the gigantic tree. He had higher ceilings in Vermont, in Westport they could only have a twelve foot tree which was basically worse than no tree at all.
The biggest problem with staying in Connecticut, according to Ethan, was that Santa wouldn't know where to find him or he would deliver his many, many presents to Vermont. Sam of course told him that Santa would have all the presents under the tree on Christmas morning, but Ethan wasn't buying it. He knew better, he knew everything, and so he began to constantly question almost everything about Santa. It was non-stop, all day and all night and worst of all he was started to ask those big kid questions like how it was all possible and he managed to get Evan and Ollie asking as well. They didn't doubt there would be presents. They doubted Santa could get all over the world in one night and even if he could there was a fair bit of concern about the elves.
"I ask for a new collar for Oinkahs, daddy!"
"Did you write it down?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, then if you keep being a good boy I'm sure Santa will bring it."
"I don't want a midget touching my things! I don't wanna catch it, I wanna be tall like daddy!"
"They're elves. You can't catch it. Where's your list? Go get it for me."
"Okay!"
"Daddy." Ethan sighed. "You mean to tell me the elves can make electronics? I asked for a cell phone."
"Why do you need a cell phone?"
"To call Evan."
"Daddy, I guess I need one too then. I'm going to add it to my list."
"Uh…" Sam sighed as Evan ran out of the kitchen. "I don't know if Santa brings those to kids…"
"Daddy, if Santa does come on Christmas…."
"He's coming Ethan, I promise."
"I'm going to capture him and then he'll take me to the North Pole so I can have my own elf to make stuff for me when I need it so I need a cage for Christmas to keep the elf in and a stick to poke the elf."
"Where is your father!"
"Making out with Buster."
"Go get him, please."
"I'll get my list too."
"Fine…everyone get their lists…fine…"
"I want the stick to be sharp!"
Sam nodded weakly and then collapsed against the counter as soon as Ethan ran out of the kitchen. The cold stone of the countertops felt magnificent on his forehead, but Sam couldn't enjoy it because he already heard Ethan screaming at everyone that it was time to turn in their Christmas lists. Ollie would be easy and Evan never asked for much. Mikey probably just wanted a few books or something simple and the babies had already turned in their lists. Buster was getting kisses and warm socks, but Ethan was going to be a problem, he was always a problem.
"Sammy, are you dead again?"
"I wish." Sam said into the counter. "I'm trying to make my fruitcake…"
"You are a fruitcake!"
"Shut up! You can't leave me alone with them! They won't stop asking me questions!"
"Did you beat their asses?"
"I want you to do it."
"No." Dean said. "I'm holding Buster."
"You're always holding Buster!"
"Hey, Crankypants. Calm down. Want me to play with your button a little?"
"No." Sam said as he composed himself. "You're going to handle the lists. You're going to take the list and order everything on them, just like Santa does."
"No problem!" Dean said before sitting at the table. "Easy peasy…I'm gonna tear that ass up later."
"Yeah, I figured as much."
"Get in there balls deep. Daddy's gonna tear that in half, baby!"
Buster's little chair was on the table and he looked particularly happy when Dean strapped him in and set it to vibrate. Sam took the few free seconds he had to walk over and give him a ton of kisses. He was still such a little guy, but he was growing everyday and his personality was already shining through. He smiled and giggled when Sam kissed him. He cooed and slapped Sam in the face a little before perking up when he heard a lot of excited arguing from outside the kitchen. He didn't know what was going on with his brothers, but he was certainly very interested.
"Here we go." Dean sighed. "Ollie, what's on your list."
"We already agreed that I'd get to go first."
"No such, Ethan! You tell the Beans you go first, I say let daddy choose."
"Because you know he'd pick you!"
"He's the youngest. Wait, aren't we missing a few?"
"Mifoo is at home, Milo take a nap under the sofa, and Mary plays with her dolls and call herself "Murray"."
"Ah, yes, Murray…What does my Beanie want from Santa?"
"I think it say a pig collar for my pig Oinkahs, and ear rufflers for when my ears are cold."
"What the hell are ear rufflers?"
"You take a fancy animal and make it give you his skin then you take it and put it on your ears."
"Um…"
"You take his skin, daddy!"
Dean had a terrified look in his eyes which was exactly how Sam felt. Taking anyone's skin was already creepy as hell, but Ollie was so sweet and he was smiling and so proud of himself. Sam was worried he might need the cleansing touch of fire, but then he leaned over and peeked at Ollie's list which he was protectively holding in his hands. There was a drawing of a pig with a collar on and a little drawing of Ollie with two big black puffballs at his ears that were connected by a line over his head.
"Oh, ear muffs!"
"Oh!" Dean laughed. "For a second I thought you wanted daddy to murder a small animal and harvest his flesh."
"I want Santa to do the murder!"
"Oh…"
"They can be faux." Mikey added. "Remember, Ollie? We talked about not taking anyone's skin?"
"Yeah, daddy, is called a faux."
"Faux fur ear muffs, got it, what else?"
"That's all! Don't want to be a Mr. Greedy."
Ollie stuck his nose so high in the air Sam was sure he might break his neck. He yanked his head back and forth in Ethan's general direction and then walked away just as smug as a peacock. Sam immediately started laughing and regretted it when Ethan spun around and glared at him. Christmas was serious business for Ethan and he didn't appreciate anyone insinuating that he was greedy since that was almost as bad as being naughty.
"Ethan…you're up."
"Evan can go first. I can wait, I'm just that nice, daddy. Saintlike, a beacon of goodness shining down fr…"
"Whatever you say. Evan?"
"I'm coming, daddy."
Evan was off to the side because he was kneeling on one of the chairs so he could hold hands with Buster. They were like best friends and it was so adorable Sam wanted to squeal a little. Evan was always adorable though and he just got cuter when he hopped down from the chair, walked over to Dean, and climbed up into his lap. Sam actually got a quick picture with his phone while Ethan looked incredulous that he wasn't going to be able to seem authentic when he climbed in Dean's lap and turned on the charm.
"Hey, buddy."
"Daddy, you smell so nice."
"Thank you! It's Gucci. What's on your list?"
"Well, Spotty is almost out of food so…well, he's not almost out of food, there's another bag, but if there's a storm and we can’t leave I worry about him having food."
"Uh…"
"Oh, and I want some new socks and I really hope Ollie gets those ear muffs."
"Um, anything for you?"
"I guess I need a cell phone." Evan sighed. "But I don't really want that, I'm always with Ethan anyway."
"Baby, you need to ask for something for yourself."
"I did." Evan said as he handed his list over. "Can you mail that for me, daddy?"
"Sure. Sure can."
"Thank you, daddy!"
Evan leaned up and kissed Dean on the lips and then hopped back down to get back to Buster. Ethan was on Dean's lap in a quick millisecond and he was practically trying to make out with him. Dean gave Ethan a quick kiss and then looked at Sam with the saddest eyes ever. Evan really didn't care about getting a ton of toys for Christmas, he just wanted the stuff he needed. He would have been perfectly happy with giving everything away. It made Sam a little sad too, but Evan had a standing appointment to talk with Dr. Mark and he was doing really well. Dean just really wanted him to act just like Ethan, but Sam wasn't so sure that was the way to go.
"I want a dog, a big one. I want seven guns that shoot paint. I want one of those things at the fair where you throw a baseball and dunk someone. I want to put Anthony on that thing and pay someone to dunk him a million times! I want a cell phone so I can call Evan, I want my own shelf in the pantry that is filled with cookies that are just for me. I want grandpa to take me on a ride in a helicopter, I want all the new games that are coming out, I want a new hat for when it's cold and then like a summertime hat. I want new shoes, a fancy piece of art for my bedroom, a nice leather coat or two. Pack of graham crackers, a Jordan jersey, a computer, a television for me and Evan to watch cartoons on before bed, a cage to put my elf in and a sharp stick to poke the elf when he starts acting like a lazy Mexican."
"Ethan!"
"What? Grandpa said they're always taking a siesta."
"I don't care what grandpa says. We aren't racist in the house." Sam said as he shook his head. "Except against the Polish."
"New boots, a hat with a propeller, a jetpack, lessons on how to go to the moon, a vacation to the American south-west, a box of cereal filled with nothing but cereal marshmallows, fencing lessons, a boat to sail on, more ducks at the pond and some stuff to feed them, artistic freedom to express myself, to meet Lady Gaga and dance in her videos, the skeleton of a unicorn, some of that purple ketchup Michael told me about, and…uh…Oh, I want to see what some real boobs look like!"
Without missing a beat Dean raised his hand and brought it down on Ethan's butt hard enough to knock him off his lap. His feet landed on the ground with a heavy thud and after rubbing his butt for exactly half a second he turned around, climbed back on Dean, and started hitting him in the chest. Ollie cheered for Dean to "Finish him", Evan screamed to stop being violent in front of Buster, and Mikey just sighed and took a seat at the counter list still in hand.
"Stop hitting me!"
"You spanked me! What did I ever do to you, jerk!"
"Hey!" Dean said before swatting his butt again. "Twofer!"
"Stop that, daddy! This is serious!"
"Oh, yeah? What do you need all that junk for anyway?"
"I want to be a good big brother to Buster." Ethan said as he pouted. "Because I'm not smart like Mikey or fat like Ollie."
"Can say that again."
"That's low." Dean said as he squinted his eyes. "Trying to use your baby brother to get presents!"
"You don't know me!"
"Boy, I was you! I tried to trade Sammy to Santa for a dirt bike when I was six!"
"Wait a minute, he takes trades? Ollie, go get Milo."
"'Kay!"
"And…Spank!"
"Stop it! I want an elf!"
Dean swatted Ethan one more time for good measure and then took off running around the kitchen table. Ethan was right on his ass, but he was short and couldn't quite catch up. Seeing how angry he got was really funny, but Sam knew he'd have to put a stop to the chase before he got upset. Just when Ethan was about to make one more sprint for Dean, Sam grabbed him under the arms, swung him in the air, and plopped his butt on the counter. He was as red as a tomato and glaring at Dean with all his might.
"He spanked me so hard!"
"No, he didn't."
"Butt's probably all red, like a baboon."
"You need to rewrite your list to be a little smaller and a hell of a lot more realistic. No guns, no elves, we'll totally rent that thing to dunk Anthony, no televisions in bedrooms. What are we? White trash?"
"No, we're American royalty."
"Exactly! Do you want me to spank daddy tonight?"
"I'd really like that."
"I'll spank him hard." Sam said before kissing Ethan on the forehead. "When I'm done with him he won't sit right for a week."
"I'm such a bad boy." Dean grinned. "Mikey! Watch your brothers!"
"Uh…I have a list too."
"We know what you want. Probably books and protractors and like a calculator. What a nerd!"
"Dean!"
"Suspenders, big thick glasses, pants that go all the way up to your nerps."
For the next three minutes Dean played word association and listed everything that was even vaguely related to nerds. Clearly Mikey was a total nerd, but Sam didn't think anyone needed reminding. Dean was just having fun and Mikey didn't really mind since he stayed sitting absolutely still with no expression on his face. He was totally stoic and patiently waited for Dean to run out of breath and ideas.
"Gluten free! Star Trek before everyone was totally hot…erasers?"
"I want some new pants for school." Mikey said before turning towards Sam. "And what I really want is for us to have one day a week where we go completely vegan."
"Oh, shit…"
"What!" Dean screeched. "You can't ask for that! Sammy, he can't ask for that! You're a bad boy! Go to your room! You're grounded!"
When Dean started to spank him, Mikey sighed very dramatically and then handed over his list. Mikey was sitting in a stool with a back so it wasn't really a very effective spanking, Dean was just kind of smacking him on the right side of his hips. Mikey remained completely unfazed and a lot more interested in whether or not he was going to get what he wanted for Christmas.
"Hiyah!" Dean yelled as he spanked him. "This is the only way you'll learn!"
"What do you think, daddy?"
"I can fix you whatever you want."
"I want everyone to eat it. I'm concerned about our health as a family. Studies have shown…"
"Who let you read studies! I'm yanking you out of that stupid hipster school, they're a cult!"
"Dean, you're screaming so loud."
"He might as well be dead, Sammy!"
"What does it mean, daddy?"
"No meat, no eggs, no cheese, no ham! No fun!"
"Oh, no!" Ollie frowned. "My favorite things!"
"What are we supposed to eat?" Ethan asked. "Light bulbs?"
"Spank him! It's the only way he'll learn!"
Ethan and Ollie immediately began to smack Mikey in the legs which just made him sigh louder and ignore them even more. Mikey was probably about eighty percent vegetarian already. He had completely stopped eating red meat and he really only had seafood and occasionally chicken. Sam was completely on board with a vegetarian day once a week, but vegan seemed like a bit of a stretch. Milo was absolutely not going to tolerate any changes to his diet, Ollie would probably kill them all, and without meat Dean would surely die.
"Can we bargain?"
"What'd you have in mind?"
"One day full vegetarian, and me and you can go to that vegan place in town minimum of two times a month."
"What's the max?"
"Negotiable." Sam said as he held out his hand. "Deal?"
"Deal!"
"No!" Dean screeched. "Why Gabe, why do you want to punish me! Why have you burdened me with this nerd child who pees in his bed and doesn't have that big of a wiener!"
"Dean, calm down."
"I know you're a wiener authority, but mine is perfectly sized for my age and frame."
"Authority! Did you just imply that I've seen a lot of wang because…"
"Oh, no, daddy." Mikey said as he shook his head. "I'm sorry. There was absolutely no implication. It's a statement of irrefutable fact."
"How dare you…"
"Daddy, we have to get ready. Zora is taking us to the mall to go Christmas shopping with grandpa."
"You are so mean to me, but now you need money, well in this house mean nerd kids don't get…"
"Daddy gave me my own credit card. See, Mikey Winchester, that's me."
When Mikey flashed his fancy new virgin black card Dean immediately began to fume. To be fair the card wasn't for him to go crazy with, it was for all the kids to use to buy presents for the rest of the family. Dean wasn't on board entirely, but Sam had made an executive decision and he trusted Mikey to be responsible. He was going to have two adults supervising him anyway so he couldn't really get in much trouble.
"This is something else!" Dean said after everyone left. "I'm going to have to go with them."
"No." Sam said as he shook his head. "The whole reason they're going is so we can work on my fruitcake."
"We?"
"Someone needs to open the oven for me…and maybe…"
"Maybe what?"
"Maybe Mary takes a little nap with Milo…maybe you need a snack."
"Ass or what?"
"You may have a taste of the ass, then I'm going to grab you by the ears and choke you a little."
"Ohh…"
"With my wiener…because you're the unquestioned expert."
"Hey!"
Sam was true to his word and once the house was empty except for napping children he worked on his fruitcakes and then he worked his favorite fruitcake.
Vegetarians were the greatest threat to humanity known to mankind and vegans were at least ten thousand million times worse. Those were maybe even very conservative figures all Dean knew was that he'd send Mikey to one of those Jesus camps in the Appalachian wilderness before he let him turn the family into a cult of weirdo vegans who were scared of gluten and thought milking a cow was basically rape.
"Then come fire! Burn for all mountains! Hell from a sky and the rain!"
"Abominations from the pit of everlasting despair!"
"Obamanation from a pit! Hair!"
"Crushing the souls of the just and righteous!
"Crushing them and the souls! They aren't very nice!"
"Nice." Dean nodded. "Baby, you are a good hellfire preacher. I wish I could find a little bible for you to hold."
"More cocoa, daddy!"
Dean nodded again and then filled up Mary's little cup from the thermos of cocoa he had prepared. It was about fifty-seven below in the garage, but Dean had his space heater on and Mary was nice and toasty with her dolls and a couple of cookies. She was, for the most part, more concerned with her dolls, but Dean was working hard to lovingly brainwash her so she'd turn against his great nemesis, Mikey.
The whole reason Dean was out in the frigid garage was because he had to unload and reload the kiln, but he was dragging ass because he couldn't stop thinking about Mikey. When Dean was nine years old he was a cool ass mofo, who broke the rules, kicked all kinds of ass, and ate three slabs of meat a day. Mikey was a bookworm, he liked to establish rules and do good deeds, and the last time they had steaks he ate a salad with dressing on the side. It was worse than a kick to the nuts and Dean was really worried about the bad example Mikey was setting for the rest of the kids. That was why he needed Mary on his side because she secretly controlled the entire family.
"You know, if Mikey gets rid of meat there's no telling what he'll go after next."
"Cheese?"
"Maybe." Dean shrugged. "Maybe the pretty silkworms who make your dresses…maybe your babies."
"No!"
"I hope not." Dean said as he shook his head. "I really, really do, baby, but there's no telling what he might do."
"My babies." Mary said before clutching her chest. "Good lord."
"And you know, he's always been jealous of you."
"Me! Murray!"
"Yeah, face it, you're younger, prettier, blonder…more special. Sure, he's got me and Jenny, but you have Sammy and Jenny!"
"Jealous…"
"Big time. He didn’t even want a sister."
"No! I won't believe it!"
"Yes, ma'am…"
"A rotten stinker!"
"He's worse than Milo…"
"He is, daddy! So much worse!"
"Let me hug and kiss you, baby. I'm so sorry you have to deal with Mikey."
"Oh, daddy!"
Dean ran across the garage and scooped Mary up into his waiting arms. She hugged him tight and rubbed her face against his neck as she lamented the possible loss of her babies. Dean just grinned while he stroked her back and reassured her that he'd do everything that he could, even though Mikey never listened to him and often hit him when no one was looking. Mary just though that was absolutely terrible and she was so clearly on board until a small sarcastic little golf clap came from near the doorway.
"Well, well, well…" Mikey said as he walked into the garage. "I see you're still a consummate actor, Elizabeth."
"I don't know what that means, but…"
"Oh, Mary, your babies are looking lovely today."
"Oh, no, daddy." Mary whispered. "The end…it's nigh."
"You leave her babies alone! I won't let you take them and throw them in the garbage!"
"Lord save my babies!"
"They need some company." Mikey said with a smug grin on his obscenely ruggedly handsome face. "I'd like you to meet…Bethany!"
"Ooooohhhhh!"
"Aw, damnit." Dean groaned. "Crap."
Mikey had pulled a very special looking doll out of his backpack. It was a big girl doll, not for big girls exactly, but the doll wasn't a baby. She was sort of like a little girl with a long blonde braid and a rather expensive looking costume. As soon as Mary saw it she basically flew out of Dean's arms and across the garage so she could get a good look at it. She was absolutely spellbound and Dean really couldn't remember the last time he had ever seen her so happy.
"You're a sad old man!" Mikey whispered. "I will destroy you!"
"I'm young and sexy! Everyone says so!"
"Who! Who lies to you, father!"
"You wanna rumble, kid? We can rumble."
"Bitch, don't come for me unless I send for you."
Mikey made an exploding motion with his hands complete with sound effects as he slowly backed away. Dean hated to admit it, but Mikey was clearly the coolest little badass he had ever seen. Not only had he accurately predicted that Dean would try to sway Mary, but Mikey had thought ahead and purchased something that would ensure she stay on his side. That little bastard was some kind of diabolical mastermind and Dean had never been so proud.
"Daddy! Befanny!"
"That's a big girl doll! She's beautiful!"
"Look at her weave!"
"I saw her at the mall and I thought she was perfect for you."
"Oh, she really is, really. Thank you!"
"You're welcome." Mikey smiled. "Now, she told me she's a vegetarian."
"Oooh!"
"Sonofa…"
"So she doesn't eat meat because animals that are farmed don't lead good long lives."
"Fancy! Tell me all of it, brother!"
Bethany had such an elaborate back story that it took Mikey the better part of five minutes to tell it to Mary. While he was talking Dean picked up all the rest of the babies and followed them out of the garage and back into the house. Sam was still in the kitchen where Dean had left him, but now he had Milo sitting on his right shoulder with his arms wrapped around his forehead. Sam didn't even seem to mind much, but then again he was incredibly focused on finishing his fruitcakes.
"Dean, our son was under the impression that you'd try to turn Mary against him."
"Don't be as stupid as you are sexy and tall."
"Oh, good. He thought you might tell her he'd throw away her dolls or maybe get rid of her dresses."
"Because that's something I'd do." Mikey said before he scoffed. "Really."
"Yeah, really!" Mary added. "Really, daddy! A tricker!"
"I am not!"
"A tricker!"
"Come on, let's go see what we bought for everyone."
"Oh, me too." Milo said as he slid down Sam. "I wanna see things."
Milo was at least part monkey because he just kind of twirled his way down Sam's long body only stopping to give him a kiss on the lips. When he got down around his knees he just dropped off and then took off running. It was a shame he left because Dean was hoping he wouldn't have to spend too much time around Sam who was a total Judgmental Judy.
"What did you tell that baby!" Sam said as he pointed with a spatula. "You're a tricker!"
"I was just joking with her."
"You're a tricker! I think you can live without meat for one day out of the week."
"Sure, but that means you don't get to S my D."
"Bitch, please, I'll S your D right now if I want to. Film it and upload that shit to xtube with the title "Slut gets his D S'd.""
"I'm an animal, you're not getting my delicious animal byproducts. "
"Like I can't go a day without that?" Sam scoffed. "It's not even all that."
"Then why are you drooling?"
"If you must know I just got braces this morning and I'm still getting used to them."
"Mmhmm."
"Anyway, while you were outside playing…"
"I was making like four hundred Christmas presents for your stupid friends."
"Our stupid friends." Sam said. "I made a list of delicious meat free things we can have."
Dean rolled his eyes so hard he almost fell over, but then he snatched the list out of Sam's hands. He had only planned a month worth of meatless Mondays, but there was still a lot of food. Since he was so OCD Sam had even laid everything out in nice neat little columns for breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner, and desserts. At first Dean was sighing a lot and rolling his eyes some more, which Sam of course completely ignored, but that was before he actually did any reading.
For breakfast there were pancakes, cinnamon rolls, grits with hash browns, and oatmeal with fruit salad. Lunch consisted of rather elaborate sounding crudités with an assortment of cheese, soup, salad, and even grilled vegetable sandwiches. Dinner options, which Dean was most concerned about, weren't that scary at all. Sam had planned a ratatouille, veggie pizza night, fondue night, and even his somewhat fantastic vegetarian lasagna which he sometimes served with links of green onion sausage on the side. Dean really liked the lasagna, but then he was into anything with eggplant.
"Fruit tart, fake cheesecake, what the hell is that?"
"It's cheesecake without the eggs. Because that's murder."
"Did he say that?"
"No, but I assumed." Sam shrugged. "We can have milk and cheese, but not eggs or fish."
"Fish don't have feelings! Sammy, is this because I drank so much when Jenny was pregnant with him? Oh, God, what if it's her fault? My sweet baby Buster!"
"What about Mary and Milo?"
"They came from your grits and you're a total meatslut. They'll be fine, but Buster, he's so little! Where is my jellyfish anyway?"
"Oh, we went outside earlier and I left him on the porch."
"You're funny, anyone ever tell you that?"
"Sometimes. I just put him down for his nap."
"Did he…"
"Yes, he pooped, it was beautiful. A lovely dusty camel."
"Hmm…"
For the past couple of days Buster had been not so interested in making his poops. He was still going, but just not as regularly as Dean would have preferred. Dean was actually starting to get concerned, which was why he broke out his trusty poop log, which Sam thought was ridiculous. Bruce, who had actually finished college, thought it was a great idea, but he did mention that maybe Dean got a little too specific when he started analyzing the diapers and noting color and texture.
"Watcha got there, boss man?" Zora asked as she walked into the kitchen. "Some weird thing that's totally weird but you think is totally normal?"
"No!"
"It's a notebook filled with lengthy descriptions of Buster's poops." Sam said before he sighed. "He was using an app."
"There's a poop app?"
"It was for food." Dean said. "You could keep a picture and write a description. Sammy said if I lost my phone people would think I was a weirdo."
"No way, he's crazy."
"Besides, if I lose my phone, no one's gonna be paying attention to sweet baby poops. Let me show you this video of me and Sammy…"
"Dean!"
"You know based on what I've seen and heard here in the past week I could retire right now on my own private island in the Bahamas."
"We'll sue your entire family for the next ten generations."
"Almost worth it." Zora smiled. "Who makes this many fruitcakes?"
Zora asked the wrong question because for the next ten minutes Sam didn't shut the hell up. Luckily for her she had already spent a week asking questions that apparently needed ten minute answers so she was sort of used to it. Things couldn't have been going better with her. She was so great with the kids, she was a very cautious driver, and everyone really liked her. Dean actually sort of wanted her around more often because she was just so fun, but then Sam kept reminding him that they hired her for a job and it had to stay that way.
"I see. Sam, that's very interesting!"
"I know, right! These are the cherries we picked this summer and dried."
"Very cool!"
"Zora, you're an excellent liar." Dean said. "Now, what did the children buy me?"
"I'm not telling you that."
"Then you'll never work in this town again."
"Mikey told me to completely ignore you because you're ridiculous and you're a vicious animal killer. Is it true you once ate a lamb whole by just unhinging your jaw?"
"He's super good at unhinging his jaw."
"What else did he tell you?"
"That you bathe in virgin blood to stay young."
"That's it!" Dean yelled. "I'm going to bust his ass!"
"Whoa now." Zora said as she blocked his path. "Settle down little guy."
"Move, lady!
"Can't let you go in there. Kids are wrapping presents. How about you sit down and I'll get you a juice box."
"I…"
"I don't want any trouble."
When Dean tried to make a break for it Zora grabbed him by the wrist and effortlessly spun him around before pushing him towards the kitchen table. He struggled pretty valiantly, but she was unusually strong for a woman of her size. It was embarrassing to be manhandled and it didn't help that Sam was giggling. He sure as hell wasn't going to be laughing when Zora had to put his forehead in it's place, which was bound to happen sooner or later.
"You can't do this to me!"
"I just did. He's grumpy, he needs a nap."
"Dean, baby, do you need a nap?"
"No! I'm not tired!"
"He's just saying that." Zora whispered. "Clearly he's ready for a nap. Who's a sleepy man?"
"Sammy!"
"What kind of juice do you want?"
"Cranapple."
"Okay, I'll get you your juice."
Dean immediately tried to make a break for it again, but Zora was too fast and within a second she had him back in his big boy chair. At that point he decided to just bust Mikey's ass later and besides he didn't want to ruin his Christmas surprises. He was absolutely positive that the kids had all bought him fifteen presents each and he was hoping that at least seven of them were big packs of beef jerky, even though it seemed Buttface wouldn't have let anyone buy anything delicious.
"So what's the deal with the meat eating?"
"He doesn't eat much meat." Dean said as he poked into his juice box. "But he never really did, did he, Sammy?"
"No, when he was a baby and we started him on real food he just kind of ate the vegetables. Of course now that he's older he doesn't want animals to be horrifically slaughtered…"
"If animals wanted to not be eaten they'd learn how to use guns or grow thumbs!"
"I went about three years without eating meat once." Zora said. "I was in high school, everyone was experimenting. It was a different time."
"You ever kiss a girl?"
"Have you?"
"Does Mary count?" Dean asked. "What made you start eating meat again?"
"A two inch thick Kobe filet, just barely charred on the outside, still red inside, almost cold."
"You are so hot right now."
"I know it."
"I'm right here." Sam said. "Right the hell here."
"Meet me tonight." Dean whispered. "We'll go get steaks."
"I can cook steaks!"
"Baby, why don't you go check on those kids you wanted to have, Be a good wifey."
"Hey!"
When Dean looked over Sam was standing behind the counter with flour all over his apron and his hands on his hips. He was a hot damned mess, which was exactly why Dean had every intention of cheating on him with Zora, That sexy ass steak talk had convinced Dean it had to be done. They'd wait until Sam went to sleep, steal away in the night, and go somewhere and eat steaks until they both were too stuffed to move. Then, and only then would they take their relationship to the next level.
"What's your favorite dessert?"
"I love a good pie." Zora whispered. "Topped with…more pie."
"Oh, jeez! Oooh…oh…oh…shazam!"
"Knock it off you pain in the ass!"
"I need a cigarette." Dean moaned. "Oh, man. Go throw on one of Sam's old hoodies. Let's do this thing!"
"I know this place in the city. Little hole in the wall, best steak and pie you've ever had."
"Let's go!"
"I'm still standing right here." Sam said. "I'm right here!"
"We can go right now. I just need you to do one thing for me."
"Anything! You want me to bottom? I'll do it, I'm really good at it! I have a trophy from Jensen."
"Just…stop…" Zora whispered as she leaned closer. "Being such a jerk and killing so many poor defenseless animals."
"Wha…what?"
"I told you I work for those children." Zora said before leaning up. "Mikey! You were right! He is easy!"
"Told ya!"
Dean jumped to his feet and peered out the kitchen where Mikey was standing and scowling. He looked so smug and proud of himself and everyone was having a nice long laugh at Dean's expense. Zora even went and gave Mikey a high five while Sam chuckled some more. Stealing Mary was bad enough, but Dean absolutely refused to stand by and do nothing when innocent steaks would go uneaten. That wasn't the America he believed in and he wasn't going to rest until he got revenge on all those who had wronged him.
"Oh, I like her." Sam said once Zora and Mikey went back to the living room. "She played you, boy."
"Shut up, Samuel!"
"I got some tube steak you can eat."
"Bah!"
"Nice cream sauce."
"I'm going to destroy him, somehow, someway…"
"Dean, he's smarter than you. Just let it go, like Elsa did, remember?"
"Get me some paper and a pen. I want to plot my revenge!"
"Why don't you ask your girlfriend to get it for you?"
"She's not my girlfriend anymore." Dean said as he narrowed his eyes. "She's become a girl who is just my friend."
Sam rolled his eyes in the back of his head, washed his hands, and then came over for a little bit of assplay. Dean enjoyed it, he always did, but the entire time Sam's big hands were down the back of his jeans he was plotting, planning, and waiting for the perfect time to take a stand for carnivores everywhere.
After a long day of baking and dealing with an idiot, there was nothing better than a hot bath and the one baby Sam would always love and always like no matter what. Buster loved his baths and Sam loved when they could take one together. He got the water nice and warm, stripped himself and then Buster down, and then sunk into the tub. Buster was so adorable and every time he felt the water rising up around him his eyes would get all huge and scared for just a second before he completely melted. It was like the warm water would soften his bones and he'd become just a pile of sweet baby goo against Sam's chest.
If he was really tired and really relaxed he'd even try to nurse, which Sam allowed because it was so cute. He's just pick a random spot on Sam's chest, usually near his collarbone on right side and just sort of suck at it. It really did kind of tickle, but Sam didn't laugh because he didn't want to disturb Buster. He just wanted their baths to be completely relaxing and free from any loud noises or jarring movements.
"I got that little bastard!" Dean said as he ran into the bathroom. "I got him so good!"
"Shh!"
"I see your butt! I see that butt!"
While Dean took off his own clothes and threw them all over the bathroom Sam grabbed a fresh washcloth, dunked it in the water, and then laid of over Buster's back, butt, and legs. That made him sigh a little and relax even more. He loved being covered up and warm and all Sam would have to do for the rest of the bath was keep warming the cloth with some water to keep his baby happy and content.
"He's tired."
"So much excitement for my big boy today. I bet…"
"Who said you could get in my bath?" Sam asked. "You have to pay the toll."
"What is it this time?"
"Turn around, bend over, grab your ankles."
"Ooh." Dean grinned. "Make sure I'm not smuggling."
"I'm gonna smuggle something later."
Dean grinned even bigger and then did as he was told just like a good bottom. Sam so was lucky because there wasn't a single inch of Dean that wasn't absolutely spectacular. Though it was tempting to take a picture, Sam just reached out and smacked the shit out of Dean's ass, leaving a rather large red handprint against his meaty right cheek. That was for spanking the kids all day and maybe once Buster was safe and warm in his bed there might be some more attention paid to all that deliciousness.
"Oooh." Dean said as he slid into the tub. "Sammy, this water's pretty hot."
"He's okay, I promise."
"Look at that little pink butt, I can see it!"
Buster craned his head up some and sort of maybe glanced towards over his shoulder, but he couldn't be bothered with actually looking. He didn't need to anyway because Dean scooted up and gave him some kisses on the back of his head. That made him coo and purr while he curled up and relaxed five or six times. He sure did love his daddy, but then all of the kids loved Dean because he was so very loveable. That was Sam's line of thinking anyway, at least until Mikey barged into the bathroom without knocking.
"You!"
"Yo mamma!" Dean shot back. "Were you raised in a barn like your cousin? We knock in this house young man."
"Mikey, why are you doing with my radishes?"
Mikey's face was scarlet and both of his hands were balled up into fists. In his right hand he was squeezing the life out of some radishes which Sam had bought to toss in salad. He was squeezing them so hard it looked like they might have to go straight into the compost bin outside. Whatever Dean had done had pissed him the fuck off and Sam was willing to bet it had something to do with the cat, who was howling like an idiot and rubbing all over the doorframe.
"Uh-uh!" Sam said as he waved his finger. "I'm gonna kick that cat. You do not come in my bathroom, we had a deal! He gives me one cat free room and in exchange I don't turn him into Lo Mein."
"What did you do with Apple Juice's food?"
"Me?" Dean asked as he sat back in the tub. "Nothing. What's wrong with that cat? He's crying so loud. Probably has cat AIDS."
"He hungry, it's his dinner time. You know he eats dinner and gets brushed every night before I go to bed. That's why is coat is so shiny."
"Not shinier than mine." Sam mumbled. "Stupid beautiful cat."
"Daddy, did he tell you what he did?"
"No, but he was all excited when he came in here. What's wrong, buddy?"
"I went to get his food and it's all gone. All his special canned food, all his treats, gone! I found these radishes and a turnip in the cabinet!"
"Special food?" Dean asked. "That special food we have to buy so his wiener keeps working? His wiener food? Gross cat."
"His urinary tract food!"
"Oh, I dumped all that down the disposal."
"You what!"
"Well, yeah, it's full of meat. His treats too. You need to stop yelling and fix that cat a nice salad. You're both disturbing your brother."
Buster knew when he heard Mikey's voice and he had his whole head up off Sam's chest checking out the situation. He was wobbling some, but Sam was sure that was just because he knew that damned cat wasn't allowed in the bathroom. In a single act of defiance Mikey hummed the radishes at Dean and smacked him square in the face. You could spank him, you could send him to his room, but no one messed with his cat. He was pissed off and while Sam wanted to say something he decided not to just to see how strong Mikey's resolve was.
"There are radishes in the water! Bring that cat over here, he can eat some daddy and radish soup."
"You're a monster! I'm calling grandpa."
"You try it, mister. I sent him home with a bottle of wine and copy of cinematic masterpiece Showgirls on DVD. Right about now he's doing stuff to grandma that you won't be able to understand until you're thirty."
"I'll call Michael!"
"Sent Alex a special ring that only adults wear in their pants. I know those kinky bastards turned their phones off."
"Where's his food!"
"Halfway to China by now!"
"Dean." Sam sighed. "Tell him where you hid the food before I kill this freaking cat."
Apple Juice was actually howling and running circles around Mikey's feet. Sam would have felt bad except the cat was a jerk and prone to dramatics. There was no way that he was so starving that he had to carry on so loudly. Every time he howled Buster was kind of jerking his head up to see what was going on and if the cat kept it up he was going out the window. Sam even splashed him with a little water in an attempt to get him to run out of the bathroom, but he just arched his back, hissed, and then head butted Mikey's feet again.
"I think this is really mean."
"I think trying to force your no good hippy beliefs on the rest of the family is really mean."
"You know what, you go ahead and eat all the meat you want."
"I will!" Dean said. "And I'll eat up that bad attitude too, mister!"
"I guess I'm a jerk for wanting you to be healthier. I'm a jerk for hoping you live a long full life for me and everyone else."
"You…What?"
"Forget about it. Where's his food?"
"In the office closet."
"Come on, Apple Juice, you know you're not allowed in the bathroom. Sorry, daddy."
"It's okay, buddy."
"Mikey, come back when you're done feeding him."
When Mikey shuffled out of the bathroom the cat followed right behind him and Dean actually shrank down to a little withered half man. He sunk down in the water until only the top of his head was showing. He obviously felt bad and he really should have because regardless of Mikey's reasons for wanting everyone to eat healthier Dean just should have supported him. A lot of it, most of it actually, was Dean just having fun, which was fine, but maybe he had gone too far with hiding the food.
"Proud of yourself?"
"Shut up." Dean muttered. "I thought he just wanted to torture me."
"First of all not having meat for one day out of the week isn't torture. Secondly, did you really not know he just wanted everyone to be healthier."
"I guess…"
"Maybe he wants us to try new things as a family? He told me there's an Ethiopian restaurant in town and it's like a big dining experience."
"I thought the Ethiopians didn't have any food."
"What they do have is apparently pretty delicious."
"Hmm…"
"The point is we have to support all of them in whatever they want to do even if we don't love every minute of it."
"I'm a terrible daddy!"
"Dean." Sam sighed. "We talked about this. As long as you don't train him as a soldier in the war against evil and force him to do your biding you're still a pretty good dad."
"Thank God for dad. We can screw up a lot and still not be half as bad as him."
"True talk."
"You better wash that little pink butt! I'm gonna get that butt!"
Buster knew when his butt was being talked about because he always got very bashful. He smiled a little, rubbed his face against Sam's chest some more, and even chuckled when Dean flossed the edge of the washcloth between his tiny baby cheeks. He didn't really get much of a real bath, but Dean still wiped him down, flipped him over and cleaned off his pee pee, and then cupped some water over his dark brown hair. That was maybe his favorite part, but he always looked like he was going to cry when the water first touched the top of his head.
"Now he's all clean!" Sam smiled. "You got the cleanest butt in the house."
"He's such a good boy. I wish heds stay this little forever."
"Then he wouldn't talk."
"I want him to stay a little baby, but one that can talk and walk around and play baseball and stuff, but to stay tiny and talk in a tiny baby voice."
"Dude…Why are you so creepy?"
"What's wrong with that?"
"Uh, everything, because…Hey! What the hell!"
"I'm getting your butt real clean now." Dean grinned. "I want it clean enough that I can eat out of it."
"Don't you mean off it?"
"I know what I said."
Dean, as a top notch bottom, knew all about butt cleaning, unfortunately for Sam he had gotten awfully thorough awfully quickly. For a minute or two Sam felt like he was at the gynecologist's office because Dean had his legs up on either side of the tub and he was hard at work between them. He even went under the water for a few seconds, but all he did while down there was blow a raspberry, that tickled a lot more than Sam thought it might.
"Ahh!" Dean said as he came up for air. "Buster, how many fingers is this?"
"Three! Daddy used three fingers!"
"You cracked my knuckles, baby."
"Well." Sam smiled. "You're welcome. You now. I wanna watch."
"Use your big toe, Sammy."
"Such a freak."
The only problem with taking a bath with Dean was that when he got in the water he started to act like some sort of brain damaged seal. He was flopping back and forth and splashing all over the place as he scrubbed under his arms, his chest, and his ass. Sam thought it might be sexy to watch, but it was more like watching a fish on dry land gasping for water. Dean didn't stop flopping and flailing under Sam caught him just right with his big toe. At that point Dean went completely rigid before groaning, relaxing, and winking.
"Sammy, you're the best daddy ever."
"How do you figure?"
"You can take care of that sweet baby, lull him to sleep, and still find time to put something in my butt."
"Just like Pa Ingles."
"Mmhmm. Now wiggle it."
"You know it's not all the way in there, right?"
"Well, maybe later."
"Come on, wiggle it and…"
"Uh oh!" Sam said as he scooted back in the water. "You're a bad baby, but you're still sweet!"
"What's he doing?"
"Relaxing, apparently."
When Sam looked down Buster was looking to the side and sort of biting on his bottom lip. It was probably the warm water but his cheeks looked a little flushed like he was embarrassed. Either way when you had to go you had to go. He was letting loose against Sam's stomach and apparently having a grand old time. Sam didn't mind getting peed on, it was part of the gig, and he'd gladly get peed on all day if he got to spend his bath time relaxing with such a sweet baby.
"Huh, now I don't feel so guilty about peeing in the water. Now don't freak out and scream like you did last week."
"He pooped in the tub with you last week. And I screamed because you scooped it out and threw it on the floor."
"I was aiming for the toilet. It was a rabbit turd anyway."
"Ignore him." Sam told Buster. "Lemme wash your weenis again and then you can get out and get dressed."
"He's a sweet baby!"
Sam washed Buster off once more and with Dean's help he even washed his hair. He didn't like that too much, but that was just because he was so obviously ready for bed. Just when Dean was about to get out of the tub to dry him off Mikey came back into the bathroom and grabbed Buster's little baby towel right away. He took Buster out of Sam's arms and them carried him out into the bedroom while cupping the back of his head and whispering things to him. He was such a good brother and Buster looked really happy to get the attention.
Because Sam had already relaxed he quickly soaped up and washed off in just about two minutes. Dean tried to get him to stay in the tub another hour or so, but Sam wasn't so keen on sitting in the pee water. If it was just Buster that would have been fine, but knowing Dean he probably actually had pissed in the water or at the very least farted a few times.
"Well, look at you." Sam said as he tightened his robe and walked out the bathroom. "A fresh diaper, socks, and his jammies?"
"Yep." Mikey said before taking out Buster's comb. "Now just to fix his hair."
"Good job, buddy." Dean smiled. "Did you put on his lotion?"
"Lotion and a little bit of butt cream."
"Did you dry his…"
"Yes, I dried his penis."
"And you fed the cat?"
"Mmhmm. This whole ordeal has just been so traumatizing for him. I don't know what I'll do."
"Probably pile it on thick." Dean said before sitting down. "I'm sorry, I was just messing with you."
"Yeah…I know…"
"What can I do for you to forgive me? We can go the piano store or…"
"Fifty bucks."
"What!"
"Fifty bucks." Mikey said as he held out his hand. "Cash."
Sam picked up Buster and tucked him in nice and tight so he'd be all warm and cozy. He did his very best to not look over at Dean or Mikey since the two of them were staring each other down. Dean was really expecting some heart to heart, but Mikey wasn't messing around. He had his hand out and even made a little "gimme" motion which made Dean look even more shocked. Still he wanted forgiveness so he went to his wallet and pulled out three crisp twenty dollar bills.
"Here. You have a credit card, why do you need cash?"
"You don't need to worry yourself with that. Daddy, I got sixty bucks to buy us lunch tomorrow."
"Oooh!" Sam clapped. "Imma get me a salad!"
"Hey! I want to come to lunch too!"
"Oh, daddy, we already made plans. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd want to come."
"You…you just…you didn't just make plans!"
"Yeah, I just made reservations."
"You did?"
"Yeah, just now."
Mikey probably should have led with the lunch invite about eight hours ago because once Dean realized he'd be excluded from a special outing he started pouting and his bottom lip began to tremble just ever so slightly. Sam felt a little bad for him, but Mikey obviously felt worse because he took two steps to the side and then hugged Dean extra tight around the waist. Mikey hugged them all the time, but he hadn't given up one of those extra special tight hugs in a while. As expected it really got to Dean who hugged him back extra tight before squatting down so they could be face to face.
"I'd never eat another speck of meat again if it would make you happy."
"I know that, daddy. I just want to try new things, all of us, together."
"We will."
"And you could stand to eat a little healthier."
"You're right. We all could…except for you and Sammy. We'll go out tomorrow and have a big special…African dinner!"
"Cool!" Mikey smiled. "It's pretty late now though. I better get to bed."
"You could stay here." Dean shrugged. "You know, Buster…You take such good care of him and he's going to eat again in a few hours…"
Sam actually held his breath while Mikey mulled the invitation over. He loved have a great big bed all to himself and though he'd let any of the other kids sleep with him if they asked, it was obviously he didn't really relish those sleepovers. If he said no Dean was going to be crushed and Sam was probably going to be a little let down too because Mikey hadn't slept with them in such a long time.
"If I wake up and you're sucking on my toes I'm calling CPS."
"What about your belly?"
"You may place one open palm on my belly while we fall asleep and no moving me while I'm asleep."
"You're going to spoon with Sammy, aren't you?"
"Maybe."
"Well, that's fine with me." Sam smiled. "Dean, he's serious about his toes."
"I'm not gonna…"
"Seriously." Mikey said. "I'm nine."
"Fine!"
Once everyone had agreed to the terms involve Sam changed into his pajamas while Dean did the same. Mikey gave Buster one last kiss and then crawled into the dead center of the bed. In the morning Sam knew Mikey would be on his side, snuggled up close against his chest and stomach, but that night he fell asleep wrapped up in both of Dean's strong arms. It didn't matter how old he was or what kind of diet he ate, he had always and would always be his daddy's little boy.
Title:Mikey the Vegan
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen,
Rating :R
Words10,000/3,618,900
Warnings: Wincest
Summary: When all the kids turn in their lists for Santa, Mikey requests something that threatens to tear the family apart.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard
No one was ever going to argue that Sam loved his many, many children very, very much. It was always love at first sight and there wasn't a single thing he could think of that would ever make him not love the kids. Unconditional love was something he only had with the kids because at least twice a day Sam thought about leaving Dean, marrying some middle eastern prince, and really living the luxurious life. Of course then Dean would goose him or his eyes would get all crinkly and Sam would decide to stay at least for another week or so just to get another crack at that high tight ass.
It was the first week in December when Sam started to think that while he loved his kids unconditionally it was completely acceptable to not like them all the time. He felt terrible until John admitted to not liking Dean all that much, Carol was completely over Bruce at least once a year, and Dean didn't really see the point in keeping Milo around. Sam felt better for a day or two but then he had a terrible dark thought about knocking Ethan over, sitting on his head, and mustering up like a little half fart or something.
Sam's problem, or rather Ethan's problem, was actually Dean's fault. Because Buster was barely clinging to life and couldn't be expected to do things like riding in the car for five hours, Christmas in Vermont had been effectively canceled. Dean insisted that Christmas in Connecticut was going to be just as much fun and everyone was going to have a great time. He then tabled the discussion by telling everyone that his decision was final.
Vermont was so beautiful at Christmas and all of Sam's super fancy decorations were there. They had decorations in Connecticut of course, but Sam had the good stuff in Vermont. He wanted the brutal Winter storms where round the clock cocoa was absolutely mandatory, he wanted a big Christmas dinner in his big Vermont kitchen, and he wanted the kids in the family room opening presents around the gigantic tree. He had higher ceilings in Vermont, in Westport they could only have a twelve foot tree which was basically worse than no tree at all.
The biggest problem with staying in Connecticut, according to Ethan, was that Santa wouldn't know where to find him or he would deliver his many, many presents to Vermont. Sam of course told him that Santa would have all the presents under the tree on Christmas morning, but Ethan wasn't buying it. He knew better, he knew everything, and so he began to constantly question almost everything about Santa. It was non-stop, all day and all night and worst of all he was started to ask those big kid questions like how it was all possible and he managed to get Evan and Ollie asking as well. They didn't doubt there would be presents. They doubted Santa could get all over the world in one night and even if he could there was a fair bit of concern about the elves.
"I ask for a new collar for Oinkahs, daddy!"
"Did you write it down?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, then if you keep being a good boy I'm sure Santa will bring it."
"I don't want a midget touching my things! I don't wanna catch it, I wanna be tall like daddy!"
"They're elves. You can't catch it. Where's your list? Go get it for me."
"Okay!"
"Daddy." Ethan sighed. "You mean to tell me the elves can make electronics? I asked for a cell phone."
"Why do you need a cell phone?"
"To call Evan."
"Daddy, I guess I need one too then. I'm going to add it to my list."
"Uh…" Sam sighed as Evan ran out of the kitchen. "I don't know if Santa brings those to kids…"
"Daddy, if Santa does come on Christmas…."
"He's coming Ethan, I promise."
"I'm going to capture him and then he'll take me to the North Pole so I can have my own elf to make stuff for me when I need it so I need a cage for Christmas to keep the elf in and a stick to poke the elf."
"Where is your father!"
"Making out with Buster."
"Go get him, please."
"I'll get my list too."
"Fine…everyone get their lists…fine…"
"I want the stick to be sharp!"
Sam nodded weakly and then collapsed against the counter as soon as Ethan ran out of the kitchen. The cold stone of the countertops felt magnificent on his forehead, but Sam couldn't enjoy it because he already heard Ethan screaming at everyone that it was time to turn in their Christmas lists. Ollie would be easy and Evan never asked for much. Mikey probably just wanted a few books or something simple and the babies had already turned in their lists. Buster was getting kisses and warm socks, but Ethan was going to be a problem, he was always a problem.
"Sammy, are you dead again?"
"I wish." Sam said into the counter. "I'm trying to make my fruitcake…"
"You are a fruitcake!"
"Shut up! You can't leave me alone with them! They won't stop asking me questions!"
"Did you beat their asses?"
"I want you to do it."
"No." Dean said. "I'm holding Buster."
"You're always holding Buster!"
"Hey, Crankypants. Calm down. Want me to play with your button a little?"
"No." Sam said as he composed himself. "You're going to handle the lists. You're going to take the list and order everything on them, just like Santa does."
"No problem!" Dean said before sitting at the table. "Easy peasy…I'm gonna tear that ass up later."
"Yeah, I figured as much."
"Get in there balls deep. Daddy's gonna tear that in half, baby!"
Buster's little chair was on the table and he looked particularly happy when Dean strapped him in and set it to vibrate. Sam took the few free seconds he had to walk over and give him a ton of kisses. He was still such a little guy, but he was growing everyday and his personality was already shining through. He smiled and giggled when Sam kissed him. He cooed and slapped Sam in the face a little before perking up when he heard a lot of excited arguing from outside the kitchen. He didn't know what was going on with his brothers, but he was certainly very interested.
"Here we go." Dean sighed. "Ollie, what's on your list."
"We already agreed that I'd get to go first."
"No such, Ethan! You tell the Beans you go first, I say let daddy choose."
"Because you know he'd pick you!"
"He's the youngest. Wait, aren't we missing a few?"
"Mifoo is at home, Milo take a nap under the sofa, and Mary plays with her dolls and call herself "Murray"."
"Ah, yes, Murray…What does my Beanie want from Santa?"
"I think it say a pig collar for my pig Oinkahs, and ear rufflers for when my ears are cold."
"What the hell are ear rufflers?"
"You take a fancy animal and make it give you his skin then you take it and put it on your ears."
"Um…"
"You take his skin, daddy!"
Dean had a terrified look in his eyes which was exactly how Sam felt. Taking anyone's skin was already creepy as hell, but Ollie was so sweet and he was smiling and so proud of himself. Sam was worried he might need the cleansing touch of fire, but then he leaned over and peeked at Ollie's list which he was protectively holding in his hands. There was a drawing of a pig with a collar on and a little drawing of Ollie with two big black puffballs at his ears that were connected by a line over his head.
"Oh, ear muffs!"
"Oh!" Dean laughed. "For a second I thought you wanted daddy to murder a small animal and harvest his flesh."
"I want Santa to do the murder!"
"Oh…"
"They can be faux." Mikey added. "Remember, Ollie? We talked about not taking anyone's skin?"
"Yeah, daddy, is called a faux."
"Faux fur ear muffs, got it, what else?"
"That's all! Don't want to be a Mr. Greedy."
Ollie stuck his nose so high in the air Sam was sure he might break his neck. He yanked his head back and forth in Ethan's general direction and then walked away just as smug as a peacock. Sam immediately started laughing and regretted it when Ethan spun around and glared at him. Christmas was serious business for Ethan and he didn't appreciate anyone insinuating that he was greedy since that was almost as bad as being naughty.
"Ethan…you're up."
"Evan can go first. I can wait, I'm just that nice, daddy. Saintlike, a beacon of goodness shining down fr…"
"Whatever you say. Evan?"
"I'm coming, daddy."
Evan was off to the side because he was kneeling on one of the chairs so he could hold hands with Buster. They were like best friends and it was so adorable Sam wanted to squeal a little. Evan was always adorable though and he just got cuter when he hopped down from the chair, walked over to Dean, and climbed up into his lap. Sam actually got a quick picture with his phone while Ethan looked incredulous that he wasn't going to be able to seem authentic when he climbed in Dean's lap and turned on the charm.
"Hey, buddy."
"Daddy, you smell so nice."
"Thank you! It's Gucci. What's on your list?"
"Well, Spotty is almost out of food so…well, he's not almost out of food, there's another bag, but if there's a storm and we can’t leave I worry about him having food."
"Uh…"
"Oh, and I want some new socks and I really hope Ollie gets those ear muffs."
"Um, anything for you?"
"I guess I need a cell phone." Evan sighed. "But I don't really want that, I'm always with Ethan anyway."
"Baby, you need to ask for something for yourself."
"I did." Evan said as he handed his list over. "Can you mail that for me, daddy?"
"Sure. Sure can."
"Thank you, daddy!"
Evan leaned up and kissed Dean on the lips and then hopped back down to get back to Buster. Ethan was on Dean's lap in a quick millisecond and he was practically trying to make out with him. Dean gave Ethan a quick kiss and then looked at Sam with the saddest eyes ever. Evan really didn't care about getting a ton of toys for Christmas, he just wanted the stuff he needed. He would have been perfectly happy with giving everything away. It made Sam a little sad too, but Evan had a standing appointment to talk with Dr. Mark and he was doing really well. Dean just really wanted him to act just like Ethan, but Sam wasn't so sure that was the way to go.
"I want a dog, a big one. I want seven guns that shoot paint. I want one of those things at the fair where you throw a baseball and dunk someone. I want to put Anthony on that thing and pay someone to dunk him a million times! I want a cell phone so I can call Evan, I want my own shelf in the pantry that is filled with cookies that are just for me. I want grandpa to take me on a ride in a helicopter, I want all the new games that are coming out, I want a new hat for when it's cold and then like a summertime hat. I want new shoes, a fancy piece of art for my bedroom, a nice leather coat or two. Pack of graham crackers, a Jordan jersey, a computer, a television for me and Evan to watch cartoons on before bed, a cage to put my elf in and a sharp stick to poke the elf when he starts acting like a lazy Mexican."
"Ethan!"
"What? Grandpa said they're always taking a siesta."
"I don't care what grandpa says. We aren't racist in the house." Sam said as he shook his head. "Except against the Polish."
"New boots, a hat with a propeller, a jetpack, lessons on how to go to the moon, a vacation to the American south-west, a box of cereal filled with nothing but cereal marshmallows, fencing lessons, a boat to sail on, more ducks at the pond and some stuff to feed them, artistic freedom to express myself, to meet Lady Gaga and dance in her videos, the skeleton of a unicorn, some of that purple ketchup Michael told me about, and…uh…Oh, I want to see what some real boobs look like!"
Without missing a beat Dean raised his hand and brought it down on Ethan's butt hard enough to knock him off his lap. His feet landed on the ground with a heavy thud and after rubbing his butt for exactly half a second he turned around, climbed back on Dean, and started hitting him in the chest. Ollie cheered for Dean to "Finish him", Evan screamed to stop being violent in front of Buster, and Mikey just sighed and took a seat at the counter list still in hand.
"Stop hitting me!"
"You spanked me! What did I ever do to you, jerk!"
"Hey!" Dean said before swatting his butt again. "Twofer!"
"Stop that, daddy! This is serious!"
"Oh, yeah? What do you need all that junk for anyway?"
"I want to be a good big brother to Buster." Ethan said as he pouted. "Because I'm not smart like Mikey or fat like Ollie."
"Can say that again."
"That's low." Dean said as he squinted his eyes. "Trying to use your baby brother to get presents!"
"You don't know me!"
"Boy, I was you! I tried to trade Sammy to Santa for a dirt bike when I was six!"
"Wait a minute, he takes trades? Ollie, go get Milo."
"'Kay!"
"And…Spank!"
"Stop it! I want an elf!"
Dean swatted Ethan one more time for good measure and then took off running around the kitchen table. Ethan was right on his ass, but he was short and couldn't quite catch up. Seeing how angry he got was really funny, but Sam knew he'd have to put a stop to the chase before he got upset. Just when Ethan was about to make one more sprint for Dean, Sam grabbed him under the arms, swung him in the air, and plopped his butt on the counter. He was as red as a tomato and glaring at Dean with all his might.
"He spanked me so hard!"
"No, he didn't."
"Butt's probably all red, like a baboon."
"You need to rewrite your list to be a little smaller and a hell of a lot more realistic. No guns, no elves, we'll totally rent that thing to dunk Anthony, no televisions in bedrooms. What are we? White trash?"
"No, we're American royalty."
"Exactly! Do you want me to spank daddy tonight?"
"I'd really like that."
"I'll spank him hard." Sam said before kissing Ethan on the forehead. "When I'm done with him he won't sit right for a week."
"I'm such a bad boy." Dean grinned. "Mikey! Watch your brothers!"
"Uh…I have a list too."
"We know what you want. Probably books and protractors and like a calculator. What a nerd!"
"Dean!"
"Suspenders, big thick glasses, pants that go all the way up to your nerps."
For the next three minutes Dean played word association and listed everything that was even vaguely related to nerds. Clearly Mikey was a total nerd, but Sam didn't think anyone needed reminding. Dean was just having fun and Mikey didn't really mind since he stayed sitting absolutely still with no expression on his face. He was totally stoic and patiently waited for Dean to run out of breath and ideas.
"Gluten free! Star Trek before everyone was totally hot…erasers?"
"I want some new pants for school." Mikey said before turning towards Sam. "And what I really want is for us to have one day a week where we go completely vegan."
"Oh, shit…"
"What!" Dean screeched. "You can't ask for that! Sammy, he can't ask for that! You're a bad boy! Go to your room! You're grounded!"
When Dean started to spank him, Mikey sighed very dramatically and then handed over his list. Mikey was sitting in a stool with a back so it wasn't really a very effective spanking, Dean was just kind of smacking him on the right side of his hips. Mikey remained completely unfazed and a lot more interested in whether or not he was going to get what he wanted for Christmas.
"Hiyah!" Dean yelled as he spanked him. "This is the only way you'll learn!"
"What do you think, daddy?"
"I can fix you whatever you want."
"I want everyone to eat it. I'm concerned about our health as a family. Studies have shown…"
"Who let you read studies! I'm yanking you out of that stupid hipster school, they're a cult!"
"Dean, you're screaming so loud."
"He might as well be dead, Sammy!"
"What does it mean, daddy?"
"No meat, no eggs, no cheese, no ham! No fun!"
"Oh, no!" Ollie frowned. "My favorite things!"
"What are we supposed to eat?" Ethan asked. "Light bulbs?"
"Spank him! It's the only way he'll learn!"
Ethan and Ollie immediately began to smack Mikey in the legs which just made him sigh louder and ignore them even more. Mikey was probably about eighty percent vegetarian already. He had completely stopped eating red meat and he really only had seafood and occasionally chicken. Sam was completely on board with a vegetarian day once a week, but vegan seemed like a bit of a stretch. Milo was absolutely not going to tolerate any changes to his diet, Ollie would probably kill them all, and without meat Dean would surely die.
"Can we bargain?"
"What'd you have in mind?"
"One day full vegetarian, and me and you can go to that vegan place in town minimum of two times a month."
"What's the max?"
"Negotiable." Sam said as he held out his hand. "Deal?"
"Deal!"
"No!" Dean screeched. "Why Gabe, why do you want to punish me! Why have you burdened me with this nerd child who pees in his bed and doesn't have that big of a wiener!"
"Dean, calm down."
"I know you're a wiener authority, but mine is perfectly sized for my age and frame."
"Authority! Did you just imply that I've seen a lot of wang because…"
"Oh, no, daddy." Mikey said as he shook his head. "I'm sorry. There was absolutely no implication. It's a statement of irrefutable fact."
"How dare you…"
"Daddy, we have to get ready. Zora is taking us to the mall to go Christmas shopping with grandpa."
"You are so mean to me, but now you need money, well in this house mean nerd kids don't get…"
"Daddy gave me my own credit card. See, Mikey Winchester, that's me."
When Mikey flashed his fancy new virgin black card Dean immediately began to fume. To be fair the card wasn't for him to go crazy with, it was for all the kids to use to buy presents for the rest of the family. Dean wasn't on board entirely, but Sam had made an executive decision and he trusted Mikey to be responsible. He was going to have two adults supervising him anyway so he couldn't really get in much trouble.
"This is something else!" Dean said after everyone left. "I'm going to have to go with them."
"No." Sam said as he shook his head. "The whole reason they're going is so we can work on my fruitcake."
"We?"
"Someone needs to open the oven for me…and maybe…"
"Maybe what?"
"Maybe Mary takes a little nap with Milo…maybe you need a snack."
"Ass or what?"
"You may have a taste of the ass, then I'm going to grab you by the ears and choke you a little."
"Ohh…"
"With my wiener…because you're the unquestioned expert."
"Hey!"
Sam was true to his word and once the house was empty except for napping children he worked on his fruitcakes and then he worked his favorite fruitcake.
Vegetarians were the greatest threat to humanity known to mankind and vegans were at least ten thousand million times worse. Those were maybe even very conservative figures all Dean knew was that he'd send Mikey to one of those Jesus camps in the Appalachian wilderness before he let him turn the family into a cult of weirdo vegans who were scared of gluten and thought milking a cow was basically rape.
"Then come fire! Burn for all mountains! Hell from a sky and the rain!"
"Abominations from the pit of everlasting despair!"
"Obamanation from a pit! Hair!"
"Crushing the souls of the just and righteous!
"Crushing them and the souls! They aren't very nice!"
"Nice." Dean nodded. "Baby, you are a good hellfire preacher. I wish I could find a little bible for you to hold."
"More cocoa, daddy!"
Dean nodded again and then filled up Mary's little cup from the thermos of cocoa he had prepared. It was about fifty-seven below in the garage, but Dean had his space heater on and Mary was nice and toasty with her dolls and a couple of cookies. She was, for the most part, more concerned with her dolls, but Dean was working hard to lovingly brainwash her so she'd turn against his great nemesis, Mikey.
The whole reason Dean was out in the frigid garage was because he had to unload and reload the kiln, but he was dragging ass because he couldn't stop thinking about Mikey. When Dean was nine years old he was a cool ass mofo, who broke the rules, kicked all kinds of ass, and ate three slabs of meat a day. Mikey was a bookworm, he liked to establish rules and do good deeds, and the last time they had steaks he ate a salad with dressing on the side. It was worse than a kick to the nuts and Dean was really worried about the bad example Mikey was setting for the rest of the kids. That was why he needed Mary on his side because she secretly controlled the entire family.
"You know, if Mikey gets rid of meat there's no telling what he'll go after next."
"Cheese?"
"Maybe." Dean shrugged. "Maybe the pretty silkworms who make your dresses…maybe your babies."
"No!"
"I hope not." Dean said as he shook his head. "I really, really do, baby, but there's no telling what he might do."
"My babies." Mary said before clutching her chest. "Good lord."
"And you know, he's always been jealous of you."
"Me! Murray!"
"Yeah, face it, you're younger, prettier, blonder…more special. Sure, he's got me and Jenny, but you have Sammy and Jenny!"
"Jealous…"
"Big time. He didn’t even want a sister."
"No! I won't believe it!"
"Yes, ma'am…"
"A rotten stinker!"
"He's worse than Milo…"
"He is, daddy! So much worse!"
"Let me hug and kiss you, baby. I'm so sorry you have to deal with Mikey."
"Oh, daddy!"
Dean ran across the garage and scooped Mary up into his waiting arms. She hugged him tight and rubbed her face against his neck as she lamented the possible loss of her babies. Dean just grinned while he stroked her back and reassured her that he'd do everything that he could, even though Mikey never listened to him and often hit him when no one was looking. Mary just though that was absolutely terrible and she was so clearly on board until a small sarcastic little golf clap came from near the doorway.
"Well, well, well…" Mikey said as he walked into the garage. "I see you're still a consummate actor, Elizabeth."
"I don't know what that means, but…"
"Oh, Mary, your babies are looking lovely today."
"Oh, no, daddy." Mary whispered. "The end…it's nigh."
"You leave her babies alone! I won't let you take them and throw them in the garbage!"
"Lord save my babies!"
"They need some company." Mikey said with a smug grin on his obscenely ruggedly handsome face. "I'd like you to meet…Bethany!"
"Ooooohhhhh!"
"Aw, damnit." Dean groaned. "Crap."
Mikey had pulled a very special looking doll out of his backpack. It was a big girl doll, not for big girls exactly, but the doll wasn't a baby. She was sort of like a little girl with a long blonde braid and a rather expensive looking costume. As soon as Mary saw it she basically flew out of Dean's arms and across the garage so she could get a good look at it. She was absolutely spellbound and Dean really couldn't remember the last time he had ever seen her so happy.
"You're a sad old man!" Mikey whispered. "I will destroy you!"
"I'm young and sexy! Everyone says so!"
"Who! Who lies to you, father!"
"You wanna rumble, kid? We can rumble."
"Bitch, don't come for me unless I send for you."
Mikey made an exploding motion with his hands complete with sound effects as he slowly backed away. Dean hated to admit it, but Mikey was clearly the coolest little badass he had ever seen. Not only had he accurately predicted that Dean would try to sway Mary, but Mikey had thought ahead and purchased something that would ensure she stay on his side. That little bastard was some kind of diabolical mastermind and Dean had never been so proud.
"Daddy! Befanny!"
"That's a big girl doll! She's beautiful!"
"Look at her weave!"
"I saw her at the mall and I thought she was perfect for you."
"Oh, she really is, really. Thank you!"
"You're welcome." Mikey smiled. "Now, she told me she's a vegetarian."
"Oooh!"
"Sonofa…"
"So she doesn't eat meat because animals that are farmed don't lead good long lives."
"Fancy! Tell me all of it, brother!"
Bethany had such an elaborate back story that it took Mikey the better part of five minutes to tell it to Mary. While he was talking Dean picked up all the rest of the babies and followed them out of the garage and back into the house. Sam was still in the kitchen where Dean had left him, but now he had Milo sitting on his right shoulder with his arms wrapped around his forehead. Sam didn't even seem to mind much, but then again he was incredibly focused on finishing his fruitcakes.
"Dean, our son was under the impression that you'd try to turn Mary against him."
"Don't be as stupid as you are sexy and tall."
"Oh, good. He thought you might tell her he'd throw away her dolls or maybe get rid of her dresses."
"Because that's something I'd do." Mikey said before he scoffed. "Really."
"Yeah, really!" Mary added. "Really, daddy! A tricker!"
"I am not!"
"A tricker!"
"Come on, let's go see what we bought for everyone."
"Oh, me too." Milo said as he slid down Sam. "I wanna see things."
Milo was at least part monkey because he just kind of twirled his way down Sam's long body only stopping to give him a kiss on the lips. When he got down around his knees he just dropped off and then took off running. It was a shame he left because Dean was hoping he wouldn't have to spend too much time around Sam who was a total Judgmental Judy.
"What did you tell that baby!" Sam said as he pointed with a spatula. "You're a tricker!"
"I was just joking with her."
"You're a tricker! I think you can live without meat for one day out of the week."
"Sure, but that means you don't get to S my D."
"Bitch, please, I'll S your D right now if I want to. Film it and upload that shit to xtube with the title "Slut gets his D S'd.""
"I'm an animal, you're not getting my delicious animal byproducts. "
"Like I can't go a day without that?" Sam scoffed. "It's not even all that."
"Then why are you drooling?"
"If you must know I just got braces this morning and I'm still getting used to them."
"Mmhmm."
"Anyway, while you were outside playing…"
"I was making like four hundred Christmas presents for your stupid friends."
"Our stupid friends." Sam said. "I made a list of delicious meat free things we can have."
Dean rolled his eyes so hard he almost fell over, but then he snatched the list out of Sam's hands. He had only planned a month worth of meatless Mondays, but there was still a lot of food. Since he was so OCD Sam had even laid everything out in nice neat little columns for breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner, and desserts. At first Dean was sighing a lot and rolling his eyes some more, which Sam of course completely ignored, but that was before he actually did any reading.
For breakfast there were pancakes, cinnamon rolls, grits with hash browns, and oatmeal with fruit salad. Lunch consisted of rather elaborate sounding crudités with an assortment of cheese, soup, salad, and even grilled vegetable sandwiches. Dinner options, which Dean was most concerned about, weren't that scary at all. Sam had planned a ratatouille, veggie pizza night, fondue night, and even his somewhat fantastic vegetarian lasagna which he sometimes served with links of green onion sausage on the side. Dean really liked the lasagna, but then he was into anything with eggplant.
"Fruit tart, fake cheesecake, what the hell is that?"
"It's cheesecake without the eggs. Because that's murder."
"Did he say that?"
"No, but I assumed." Sam shrugged. "We can have milk and cheese, but not eggs or fish."
"Fish don't have feelings! Sammy, is this because I drank so much when Jenny was pregnant with him? Oh, God, what if it's her fault? My sweet baby Buster!"
"What about Mary and Milo?"
"They came from your grits and you're a total meatslut. They'll be fine, but Buster, he's so little! Where is my jellyfish anyway?"
"Oh, we went outside earlier and I left him on the porch."
"You're funny, anyone ever tell you that?"
"Sometimes. I just put him down for his nap."
"Did he…"
"Yes, he pooped, it was beautiful. A lovely dusty camel."
"Hmm…"
For the past couple of days Buster had been not so interested in making his poops. He was still going, but just not as regularly as Dean would have preferred. Dean was actually starting to get concerned, which was why he broke out his trusty poop log, which Sam thought was ridiculous. Bruce, who had actually finished college, thought it was a great idea, but he did mention that maybe Dean got a little too specific when he started analyzing the diapers and noting color and texture.
"Watcha got there, boss man?" Zora asked as she walked into the kitchen. "Some weird thing that's totally weird but you think is totally normal?"
"No!"
"It's a notebook filled with lengthy descriptions of Buster's poops." Sam said before he sighed. "He was using an app."
"There's a poop app?"
"It was for food." Dean said. "You could keep a picture and write a description. Sammy said if I lost my phone people would think I was a weirdo."
"No way, he's crazy."
"Besides, if I lose my phone, no one's gonna be paying attention to sweet baby poops. Let me show you this video of me and Sammy…"
"Dean!"
"You know based on what I've seen and heard here in the past week I could retire right now on my own private island in the Bahamas."
"We'll sue your entire family for the next ten generations."
"Almost worth it." Zora smiled. "Who makes this many fruitcakes?"
Zora asked the wrong question because for the next ten minutes Sam didn't shut the hell up. Luckily for her she had already spent a week asking questions that apparently needed ten minute answers so she was sort of used to it. Things couldn't have been going better with her. She was so great with the kids, she was a very cautious driver, and everyone really liked her. Dean actually sort of wanted her around more often because she was just so fun, but then Sam kept reminding him that they hired her for a job and it had to stay that way.
"I see. Sam, that's very interesting!"
"I know, right! These are the cherries we picked this summer and dried."
"Very cool!"
"Zora, you're an excellent liar." Dean said. "Now, what did the children buy me?"
"I'm not telling you that."
"Then you'll never work in this town again."
"Mikey told me to completely ignore you because you're ridiculous and you're a vicious animal killer. Is it true you once ate a lamb whole by just unhinging your jaw?"
"He's super good at unhinging his jaw."
"What else did he tell you?"
"That you bathe in virgin blood to stay young."
"That's it!" Dean yelled. "I'm going to bust his ass!"
"Whoa now." Zora said as she blocked his path. "Settle down little guy."
"Move, lady!
"Can't let you go in there. Kids are wrapping presents. How about you sit down and I'll get you a juice box."
"I…"
"I don't want any trouble."
When Dean tried to make a break for it Zora grabbed him by the wrist and effortlessly spun him around before pushing him towards the kitchen table. He struggled pretty valiantly, but she was unusually strong for a woman of her size. It was embarrassing to be manhandled and it didn't help that Sam was giggling. He sure as hell wasn't going to be laughing when Zora had to put his forehead in it's place, which was bound to happen sooner or later.
"You can't do this to me!"
"I just did. He's grumpy, he needs a nap."
"Dean, baby, do you need a nap?"
"No! I'm not tired!"
"He's just saying that." Zora whispered. "Clearly he's ready for a nap. Who's a sleepy man?"
"Sammy!"
"What kind of juice do you want?"
"Cranapple."
"Okay, I'll get you your juice."
Dean immediately tried to make a break for it again, but Zora was too fast and within a second she had him back in his big boy chair. At that point he decided to just bust Mikey's ass later and besides he didn't want to ruin his Christmas surprises. He was absolutely positive that the kids had all bought him fifteen presents each and he was hoping that at least seven of them were big packs of beef jerky, even though it seemed Buttface wouldn't have let anyone buy anything delicious.
"So what's the deal with the meat eating?"
"He doesn't eat much meat." Dean said as he poked into his juice box. "But he never really did, did he, Sammy?"
"No, when he was a baby and we started him on real food he just kind of ate the vegetables. Of course now that he's older he doesn't want animals to be horrifically slaughtered…"
"If animals wanted to not be eaten they'd learn how to use guns or grow thumbs!"
"I went about three years without eating meat once." Zora said. "I was in high school, everyone was experimenting. It was a different time."
"You ever kiss a girl?"
"Have you?"
"Does Mary count?" Dean asked. "What made you start eating meat again?"
"A two inch thick Kobe filet, just barely charred on the outside, still red inside, almost cold."
"You are so hot right now."
"I know it."
"I'm right here." Sam said. "Right the hell here."
"Meet me tonight." Dean whispered. "We'll go get steaks."
"I can cook steaks!"
"Baby, why don't you go check on those kids you wanted to have, Be a good wifey."
"Hey!"
When Dean looked over Sam was standing behind the counter with flour all over his apron and his hands on his hips. He was a hot damned mess, which was exactly why Dean had every intention of cheating on him with Zora, That sexy ass steak talk had convinced Dean it had to be done. They'd wait until Sam went to sleep, steal away in the night, and go somewhere and eat steaks until they both were too stuffed to move. Then, and only then would they take their relationship to the next level.
"What's your favorite dessert?"
"I love a good pie." Zora whispered. "Topped with…more pie."
"Oh, jeez! Oooh…oh…oh…shazam!"
"Knock it off you pain in the ass!"
"I need a cigarette." Dean moaned. "Oh, man. Go throw on one of Sam's old hoodies. Let's do this thing!"
"I know this place in the city. Little hole in the wall, best steak and pie you've ever had."
"Let's go!"
"I'm still standing right here." Sam said. "I'm right here!"
"We can go right now. I just need you to do one thing for me."
"Anything! You want me to bottom? I'll do it, I'm really good at it! I have a trophy from Jensen."
"Just…stop…" Zora whispered as she leaned closer. "Being such a jerk and killing so many poor defenseless animals."
"Wha…what?"
"I told you I work for those children." Zora said before leaning up. "Mikey! You were right! He is easy!"
"Told ya!"
Dean jumped to his feet and peered out the kitchen where Mikey was standing and scowling. He looked so smug and proud of himself and everyone was having a nice long laugh at Dean's expense. Zora even went and gave Mikey a high five while Sam chuckled some more. Stealing Mary was bad enough, but Dean absolutely refused to stand by and do nothing when innocent steaks would go uneaten. That wasn't the America he believed in and he wasn't going to rest until he got revenge on all those who had wronged him.
"Oh, I like her." Sam said once Zora and Mikey went back to the living room. "She played you, boy."
"Shut up, Samuel!"
"I got some tube steak you can eat."
"Bah!"
"Nice cream sauce."
"I'm going to destroy him, somehow, someway…"
"Dean, he's smarter than you. Just let it go, like Elsa did, remember?"
"Get me some paper and a pen. I want to plot my revenge!"
"Why don't you ask your girlfriend to get it for you?"
"She's not my girlfriend anymore." Dean said as he narrowed his eyes. "She's become a girl who is just my friend."
Sam rolled his eyes in the back of his head, washed his hands, and then came over for a little bit of assplay. Dean enjoyed it, he always did, but the entire time Sam's big hands were down the back of his jeans he was plotting, planning, and waiting for the perfect time to take a stand for carnivores everywhere.
After a long day of baking and dealing with an idiot, there was nothing better than a hot bath and the one baby Sam would always love and always like no matter what. Buster loved his baths and Sam loved when they could take one together. He got the water nice and warm, stripped himself and then Buster down, and then sunk into the tub. Buster was so adorable and every time he felt the water rising up around him his eyes would get all huge and scared for just a second before he completely melted. It was like the warm water would soften his bones and he'd become just a pile of sweet baby goo against Sam's chest.
If he was really tired and really relaxed he'd even try to nurse, which Sam allowed because it was so cute. He's just pick a random spot on Sam's chest, usually near his collarbone on right side and just sort of suck at it. It really did kind of tickle, but Sam didn't laugh because he didn't want to disturb Buster. He just wanted their baths to be completely relaxing and free from any loud noises or jarring movements.
"I got that little bastard!" Dean said as he ran into the bathroom. "I got him so good!"
"Shh!"
"I see your butt! I see that butt!"
While Dean took off his own clothes and threw them all over the bathroom Sam grabbed a fresh washcloth, dunked it in the water, and then laid of over Buster's back, butt, and legs. That made him sigh a little and relax even more. He loved being covered up and warm and all Sam would have to do for the rest of the bath was keep warming the cloth with some water to keep his baby happy and content.
"He's tired."
"So much excitement for my big boy today. I bet…"
"Who said you could get in my bath?" Sam asked. "You have to pay the toll."
"What is it this time?"
"Turn around, bend over, grab your ankles."
"Ooh." Dean grinned. "Make sure I'm not smuggling."
"I'm gonna smuggle something later."
Dean grinned even bigger and then did as he was told just like a good bottom. Sam so was lucky because there wasn't a single inch of Dean that wasn't absolutely spectacular. Though it was tempting to take a picture, Sam just reached out and smacked the shit out of Dean's ass, leaving a rather large red handprint against his meaty right cheek. That was for spanking the kids all day and maybe once Buster was safe and warm in his bed there might be some more attention paid to all that deliciousness.
"Oooh." Dean said as he slid into the tub. "Sammy, this water's pretty hot."
"He's okay, I promise."
"Look at that little pink butt, I can see it!"
Buster craned his head up some and sort of maybe glanced towards over his shoulder, but he couldn't be bothered with actually looking. He didn't need to anyway because Dean scooted up and gave him some kisses on the back of his head. That made him coo and purr while he curled up and relaxed five or six times. He sure did love his daddy, but then all of the kids loved Dean because he was so very loveable. That was Sam's line of thinking anyway, at least until Mikey barged into the bathroom without knocking.
"You!"
"Yo mamma!" Dean shot back. "Were you raised in a barn like your cousin? We knock in this house young man."
"Mikey, why are you doing with my radishes?"
Mikey's face was scarlet and both of his hands were balled up into fists. In his right hand he was squeezing the life out of some radishes which Sam had bought to toss in salad. He was squeezing them so hard it looked like they might have to go straight into the compost bin outside. Whatever Dean had done had pissed him the fuck off and Sam was willing to bet it had something to do with the cat, who was howling like an idiot and rubbing all over the doorframe.
"Uh-uh!" Sam said as he waved his finger. "I'm gonna kick that cat. You do not come in my bathroom, we had a deal! He gives me one cat free room and in exchange I don't turn him into Lo Mein."
"What did you do with Apple Juice's food?"
"Me?" Dean asked as he sat back in the tub. "Nothing. What's wrong with that cat? He's crying so loud. Probably has cat AIDS."
"He hungry, it's his dinner time. You know he eats dinner and gets brushed every night before I go to bed. That's why is coat is so shiny."
"Not shinier than mine." Sam mumbled. "Stupid beautiful cat."
"Daddy, did he tell you what he did?"
"No, but he was all excited when he came in here. What's wrong, buddy?"
"I went to get his food and it's all gone. All his special canned food, all his treats, gone! I found these radishes and a turnip in the cabinet!"
"Special food?" Dean asked. "That special food we have to buy so his wiener keeps working? His wiener food? Gross cat."
"His urinary tract food!"
"Oh, I dumped all that down the disposal."
"You what!"
"Well, yeah, it's full of meat. His treats too. You need to stop yelling and fix that cat a nice salad. You're both disturbing your brother."
Buster knew when he heard Mikey's voice and he had his whole head up off Sam's chest checking out the situation. He was wobbling some, but Sam was sure that was just because he knew that damned cat wasn't allowed in the bathroom. In a single act of defiance Mikey hummed the radishes at Dean and smacked him square in the face. You could spank him, you could send him to his room, but no one messed with his cat. He was pissed off and while Sam wanted to say something he decided not to just to see how strong Mikey's resolve was.
"There are radishes in the water! Bring that cat over here, he can eat some daddy and radish soup."
"You're a monster! I'm calling grandpa."
"You try it, mister. I sent him home with a bottle of wine and copy of cinematic masterpiece Showgirls on DVD. Right about now he's doing stuff to grandma that you won't be able to understand until you're thirty."
"I'll call Michael!"
"Sent Alex a special ring that only adults wear in their pants. I know those kinky bastards turned their phones off."
"Where's his food!"
"Halfway to China by now!"
"Dean." Sam sighed. "Tell him where you hid the food before I kill this freaking cat."
Apple Juice was actually howling and running circles around Mikey's feet. Sam would have felt bad except the cat was a jerk and prone to dramatics. There was no way that he was so starving that he had to carry on so loudly. Every time he howled Buster was kind of jerking his head up to see what was going on and if the cat kept it up he was going out the window. Sam even splashed him with a little water in an attempt to get him to run out of the bathroom, but he just arched his back, hissed, and then head butted Mikey's feet again.
"I think this is really mean."
"I think trying to force your no good hippy beliefs on the rest of the family is really mean."
"You know what, you go ahead and eat all the meat you want."
"I will!" Dean said. "And I'll eat up that bad attitude too, mister!"
"I guess I'm a jerk for wanting you to be healthier. I'm a jerk for hoping you live a long full life for me and everyone else."
"You…What?"
"Forget about it. Where's his food?"
"In the office closet."
"Come on, Apple Juice, you know you're not allowed in the bathroom. Sorry, daddy."
"It's okay, buddy."
"Mikey, come back when you're done feeding him."
When Mikey shuffled out of the bathroom the cat followed right behind him and Dean actually shrank down to a little withered half man. He sunk down in the water until only the top of his head was showing. He obviously felt bad and he really should have because regardless of Mikey's reasons for wanting everyone to eat healthier Dean just should have supported him. A lot of it, most of it actually, was Dean just having fun, which was fine, but maybe he had gone too far with hiding the food.
"Proud of yourself?"
"Shut up." Dean muttered. "I thought he just wanted to torture me."
"First of all not having meat for one day out of the week isn't torture. Secondly, did you really not know he just wanted everyone to be healthier."
"I guess…"
"Maybe he wants us to try new things as a family? He told me there's an Ethiopian restaurant in town and it's like a big dining experience."
"I thought the Ethiopians didn't have any food."
"What they do have is apparently pretty delicious."
"Hmm…"
"The point is we have to support all of them in whatever they want to do even if we don't love every minute of it."
"I'm a terrible daddy!"
"Dean." Sam sighed. "We talked about this. As long as you don't train him as a soldier in the war against evil and force him to do your biding you're still a pretty good dad."
"Thank God for dad. We can screw up a lot and still not be half as bad as him."
"True talk."
"You better wash that little pink butt! I'm gonna get that butt!"
Buster knew when his butt was being talked about because he always got very bashful. He smiled a little, rubbed his face against Sam's chest some more, and even chuckled when Dean flossed the edge of the washcloth between his tiny baby cheeks. He didn't really get much of a real bath, but Dean still wiped him down, flipped him over and cleaned off his pee pee, and then cupped some water over his dark brown hair. That was maybe his favorite part, but he always looked like he was going to cry when the water first touched the top of his head.
"Now he's all clean!" Sam smiled. "You got the cleanest butt in the house."
"He's such a good boy. I wish heds stay this little forever."
"Then he wouldn't talk."
"I want him to stay a little baby, but one that can talk and walk around and play baseball and stuff, but to stay tiny and talk in a tiny baby voice."
"Dude…Why are you so creepy?"
"What's wrong with that?"
"Uh, everything, because…Hey! What the hell!"
"I'm getting your butt real clean now." Dean grinned. "I want it clean enough that I can eat out of it."
"Don't you mean off it?"
"I know what I said."
Dean, as a top notch bottom, knew all about butt cleaning, unfortunately for Sam he had gotten awfully thorough awfully quickly. For a minute or two Sam felt like he was at the gynecologist's office because Dean had his legs up on either side of the tub and he was hard at work between them. He even went under the water for a few seconds, but all he did while down there was blow a raspberry, that tickled a lot more than Sam thought it might.
"Ahh!" Dean said as he came up for air. "Buster, how many fingers is this?"
"Three! Daddy used three fingers!"
"You cracked my knuckles, baby."
"Well." Sam smiled. "You're welcome. You now. I wanna watch."
"Use your big toe, Sammy."
"Such a freak."
The only problem with taking a bath with Dean was that when he got in the water he started to act like some sort of brain damaged seal. He was flopping back and forth and splashing all over the place as he scrubbed under his arms, his chest, and his ass. Sam thought it might be sexy to watch, but it was more like watching a fish on dry land gasping for water. Dean didn't stop flopping and flailing under Sam caught him just right with his big toe. At that point Dean went completely rigid before groaning, relaxing, and winking.
"Sammy, you're the best daddy ever."
"How do you figure?"
"You can take care of that sweet baby, lull him to sleep, and still find time to put something in my butt."
"Just like Pa Ingles."
"Mmhmm. Now wiggle it."
"You know it's not all the way in there, right?"
"Well, maybe later."
"Come on, wiggle it and…"
"Uh oh!" Sam said as he scooted back in the water. "You're a bad baby, but you're still sweet!"
"What's he doing?"
"Relaxing, apparently."
When Sam looked down Buster was looking to the side and sort of biting on his bottom lip. It was probably the warm water but his cheeks looked a little flushed like he was embarrassed. Either way when you had to go you had to go. He was letting loose against Sam's stomach and apparently having a grand old time. Sam didn't mind getting peed on, it was part of the gig, and he'd gladly get peed on all day if he got to spend his bath time relaxing with such a sweet baby.
"Huh, now I don't feel so guilty about peeing in the water. Now don't freak out and scream like you did last week."
"He pooped in the tub with you last week. And I screamed because you scooped it out and threw it on the floor."
"I was aiming for the toilet. It was a rabbit turd anyway."
"Ignore him." Sam told Buster. "Lemme wash your weenis again and then you can get out and get dressed."
"He's a sweet baby!"
Sam washed Buster off once more and with Dean's help he even washed his hair. He didn't like that too much, but that was just because he was so obviously ready for bed. Just when Dean was about to get out of the tub to dry him off Mikey came back into the bathroom and grabbed Buster's little baby towel right away. He took Buster out of Sam's arms and them carried him out into the bedroom while cupping the back of his head and whispering things to him. He was such a good brother and Buster looked really happy to get the attention.
Because Sam had already relaxed he quickly soaped up and washed off in just about two minutes. Dean tried to get him to stay in the tub another hour or so, but Sam wasn't so keen on sitting in the pee water. If it was just Buster that would have been fine, but knowing Dean he probably actually had pissed in the water or at the very least farted a few times.
"Well, look at you." Sam said as he tightened his robe and walked out the bathroom. "A fresh diaper, socks, and his jammies?"
"Yep." Mikey said before taking out Buster's comb. "Now just to fix his hair."
"Good job, buddy." Dean smiled. "Did you put on his lotion?"
"Lotion and a little bit of butt cream."
"Did you dry his…"
"Yes, I dried his penis."
"And you fed the cat?"
"Mmhmm. This whole ordeal has just been so traumatizing for him. I don't know what I'll do."
"Probably pile it on thick." Dean said before sitting down. "I'm sorry, I was just messing with you."
"Yeah…I know…"
"What can I do for you to forgive me? We can go the piano store or…"
"Fifty bucks."
"What!"
"Fifty bucks." Mikey said as he held out his hand. "Cash."
Sam picked up Buster and tucked him in nice and tight so he'd be all warm and cozy. He did his very best to not look over at Dean or Mikey since the two of them were staring each other down. Dean was really expecting some heart to heart, but Mikey wasn't messing around. He had his hand out and even made a little "gimme" motion which made Dean look even more shocked. Still he wanted forgiveness so he went to his wallet and pulled out three crisp twenty dollar bills.
"Here. You have a credit card, why do you need cash?"
"You don't need to worry yourself with that. Daddy, I got sixty bucks to buy us lunch tomorrow."
"Oooh!" Sam clapped. "Imma get me a salad!"
"Hey! I want to come to lunch too!"
"Oh, daddy, we already made plans. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd want to come."
"You…you just…you didn't just make plans!"
"Yeah, I just made reservations."
"You did?"
"Yeah, just now."
Mikey probably should have led with the lunch invite about eight hours ago because once Dean realized he'd be excluded from a special outing he started pouting and his bottom lip began to tremble just ever so slightly. Sam felt a little bad for him, but Mikey obviously felt worse because he took two steps to the side and then hugged Dean extra tight around the waist. Mikey hugged them all the time, but he hadn't given up one of those extra special tight hugs in a while. As expected it really got to Dean who hugged him back extra tight before squatting down so they could be face to face.
"I'd never eat another speck of meat again if it would make you happy."
"I know that, daddy. I just want to try new things, all of us, together."
"We will."
"And you could stand to eat a little healthier."
"You're right. We all could…except for you and Sammy. We'll go out tomorrow and have a big special…African dinner!"
"Cool!" Mikey smiled. "It's pretty late now though. I better get to bed."
"You could stay here." Dean shrugged. "You know, Buster…You take such good care of him and he's going to eat again in a few hours…"
Sam actually held his breath while Mikey mulled the invitation over. He loved have a great big bed all to himself and though he'd let any of the other kids sleep with him if they asked, it was obviously he didn't really relish those sleepovers. If he said no Dean was going to be crushed and Sam was probably going to be a little let down too because Mikey hadn't slept with them in such a long time.
"If I wake up and you're sucking on my toes I'm calling CPS."
"What about your belly?"
"You may place one open palm on my belly while we fall asleep and no moving me while I'm asleep."
"You're going to spoon with Sammy, aren't you?"
"Maybe."
"Well, that's fine with me." Sam smiled. "Dean, he's serious about his toes."
"I'm not gonna…"
"Seriously." Mikey said. "I'm nine."
"Fine!"
Once everyone had agreed to the terms involve Sam changed into his pajamas while Dean did the same. Mikey gave Buster one last kiss and then crawled into the dead center of the bed. In the morning Sam knew Mikey would be on his side, snuggled up close against his chest and stomach, but that night he fell asleep wrapped up in both of Dean's strong arms. It didn't matter how old he was or what kind of diet he ate, he had always and would always be his daddy's little boy.