(no subject)

[bitchandjerk]

This story takes place between Ollie's birthday and Winchester INC.

Title:The Talking Doctor.
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Sam/Dean,John/Mary/OFC OMCs OFCs Jared/Jensen,
Rating :R
Words10,000/3,608,900
Warnings: Wincest
Summary: Sam and Dean take Evan to a child psychologist.
Notes:: AU, rest are here.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard



Sam didn't get to dress cozy too often and it was a shame because cozy really was comfortable. Normally when he went out he had to worry about lurking photographers or fans with cell phones that were too adorable to say no to. The last thing he wanted was to show up on someone's facebook looking like a hot mess, so when Sam thought he might be photographed he put a little extra effort into his looking his best.

Currently his casual, comfy, and cozy outfit consisted of a pair of perfectly worn in jeans, a thin black sweater, and a real life pair of tennis shoes. The whole outfit was still really expensive, but it was so much more comfortable than being perfect from head to toe. Sam hadn't even bothered to really fix his hair, he had just gotten out of the shower, brushed through it and went on his way. It was a good thing he didn't want to fix his hair because Dean had been occupying the entire mirror making sure that every hair on his head was just perfectly tousled without looking like he had tousled it at all.

He was normally pretty casual opting for his favorite shirts with his favorite jeans, today he had put on his nicer jeans, paired a shirt with a blazer, and he had on fancy boots which he was wearing for the first time. They were sort of dark and distressed and Sam thought they were kind of sexy. Dean's right boot was on the edge of the car seat rocking it back and forth very slowly while Buster chewed on a toy and started at Evan, who was nervously fidgeting on Sam's lap in the waiting room.

"Daddy, I don't feel sick. Ethan isn't sick either. If I were sick he'd be sick too."

"You're not sick." Sam said for at least the tenth time. "No one is sick."

"Then why are we at the doctor? Where is Uncle Nick? I'm not showing anyone else my butt."

"Baby." Dean smiled weakly. "This is a different kind of doctor. Remember?"

"A talking doctor." Evan said before he scoffed. "I know I'm super awesome and interesting and everyone loves to talk to me, but I'm missing school."

"And Alex said he'd come by later to get you caught up."

"Daddy, but why…"

"Evan." Sam said calmly. "It's going to be fun. There's lot of stuff for you to play with and you're just going to chat with Mr. Mark."

"And then we're going to get hamburgers?"

"We better." Dean sighed. "Sammy…"

"Dean. Not now."

Dean sighed even louder and then made a great display of turning the other ass cheek towards Sam. He even dramatically crossed his legs and resumed rocking Buster who was still staring at Evan. Evan stared back for a second and then got down off of Sam's lap to play with him and tell him all about he was going to see a special talking doctor who had toys and was named Mr. Mark. That elicited another dagger filled gaze from Dean, but Sam ignored it and looked for a magazine he wasn't on the cover of.

Since Summer Sam had been plagued with the horrible idea of finding someone for Evan to talk to. He hated himself for it, but he saw something in Evan, something that worried him because it reminded him so much of himself. Evan was extremely sensitive, worrisome, nervous, and Sam was fairly certain he had a moderate level of anxiety he was too young to recognize yet. He had also gotten to a point with the dog where his actions bordered on obsessive.

When Spotty had to be left alone in the house, which was rare, Evan constantly asked everyone if they thought he was okay alone. The dog needed a clean bowl of water almost every hour even if he hadn't gone near the previous fresh bowl. When he didn't eat his food immediately Evan would really begin to worry that something was wrong with him and that he had to go to the doctor. It was rough because the dog was perfectly healthy and perfectly safe in the house, but Evan still worried.

The last straw happened just a day after Ollie's big birthday party when Spotty went outside to do his business. Evan always followed him around to make sure he went and when they came back inside he informed Dean that the dog had eaten some grass while he was sniffing around. About ten minutes later Spotty barfed under the table and then ran off to play with one of his toys. Evan nearly had a complete nervous breakdown and it took Sam, Dean, John, and Michael to calm him down. They had even called Andrew because he worked on a farm and knew a lot about animals.

"Mr. Winchester. Mr. Johnson."

"Oh." Sam said as he stood quickly. "Hi. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Likewise." Mark said before squatting down and looking closely at Buster. "This must be Evan."

"I'm Evan!"

"You can't be. You're too tall. You must be Mikey."

Dean who has been very skeptical about Evan seeing anyone stopped completely ignoring Mark and looked over at Sam with one perfect eyebrow so high it was almost touching his hairline. Evan looked pleased as punch that someone thought he was not only tall, but Mikey as well. Being tall was what everyone in the family hoped for and Evan did think Mikey was pretty cool. Mark had managed to become his new best friend after just a couple of seconds, which was very impressive.

"I'm Evan. I'm a twin, but Ethan is at school which is why you're probably confused."

"My apologies. I'm Dr. Mark, but you can just call me Mark."

"Okay. This is Buster. He's the baby of all my baby brothers. He's serving giraffe onesie realness today."

"I see that." Mark laughed. "Can you go in my office and find something to play with?"

"Daddy?"

"Go on, buddy." Dean said before he kissed Evan's head. "We'll be right outside when you're done."

After getting a kiss from Sam, Evan cautiously walked off into the office and sat down in front of a coffee table filled with all kinds of toys. Sam was barely done with handshakes before he had for something that interested him. He wasn't much on toys, none of the kids were, but Sam knew that Evan would at least feel a little more comfortable having something to occupy his hands while they talked even if it wasn't something he'd be really into playing with.

"So I just want to get to know him today." Mark said quietly. "I talked about it a little with Jeremy and I have what you told me, Mr. Winchester."

"Sam, please." Sam smiled. "There's nothing wrong with him."

"He's a kid, there's never anything really wrong with them. It's usually someone or something else especially when a child has displayed no behavioral problems."

"He's a good boy." Dean said sternly. "He's Sam's favorite and my third favorite."

"Dean…"

"Well, Milo can't be your favorite…wait, is he?"

"I don't have a favorite. I'm a mature adult."

"My firstborn's a nerd."

"Dean!"

"What?" Dean asked. "Always reading books…using pens and stuff. Math."

"Right." Mark said awkwardly. "So…uh…"

"I'm sorry." Sam sighed. "He's nervous, he doesn't have a fav…"

"Buster is my obvious favorite. Look at his chicken legs. I literally want to dip them in barbeque sauce and eat them whole. Just gobble them up with sauce. I would eat him alive and pull out a teeny tiny baby skeleton out of my mouth. Then he could live inside my belly forever and never leave me."

Though it physically pained Sam to do so he slowly turned his head towards Dean who was smiling like he hadn't just said he was going to eat their baby. He looked like he always did, but Buster was on the ground looking absolutely horrified and scared. Sam immediately remedied that by picking him up and wrapping his legs extra tight in his favorite soft baby boy blue blanket. They were cute legs but no one was going to eat them with or without sauce.

"So…" Mark said as he looked away from Dean. "There's a coffee shop right down the street. I have a tab, order whatever you'd like. Give me about an hour. Sound okay?"

"Fine." Sam said as he grabbed Dean's arm. "Thank you so much, Mark."

"My privilege."

Dean fought every inch of the way but Sam managed to yank him out of the waiting room, down the street two doors and into the little coffee shop before shoving him into the most secluded little table away from everyone else. Sam then cuddled Buster extra close and went out of his way to ignore Dean's frantic waves and whispered demands for a fancy coffee drink. Good boys, like Sam, got fancy coffee. Dean was just going to get a black coffee, extra bitter or maybe a juice box.

"Mr. Winchester! No drive thru today?"

"Not today." Sam smiled. "Mark from down the street said he had an open tab here?"

"Yes, sir. What can I get you?"

"I want to pay off his tab, and we'll just have the usual."

"Very good."

Normal people waited for their coffee, but Sam was super important so after paying he went and sunk into the chair across from Dean who looked like he was about to audition for some kind of gay French circus. Not only was her nervous about Evan but he didn't have Buster to hold so he was kind of half off his chair with his legs twisted backwards and sideways while he scratched his head like a junkie waiting for their next fix.

"You want to eat our son like he's a fish and you're a cartoon cat?"

"He doesn't need bones inside my belly. He can be a jelly belly fish."

"You can't say stuff like that in front of a psychologist."

"You didn't have a problem when I dry humped Jeremy's face this morning. He's basically…"

"Our brother in the privacy of our own home. That's what brothers do."

"Gimme the baby! Give 'em to me! Gimme!"

"No!" Sam hissed. "You're so worried about Evan being the c-word…"

"How dare you!" Dean yelled. "Evan is a sweet angel! If anyone's a cunt it's you!"

Dean yelled loud enough for only half the town to hear him. Sam was, yet again, mortified beyond belief, but since he was famous and handsome he only turned beet red for about ten seconds. When the coffee came Sam was still silently showing his disapproval while Dean was furrowing his brows so hard he was probably going to need a shot of botox to get rid of them.

"Crazy."

"He's not crazy either! You are!"

"If you don't stop yelling I'm going to fix a steak and make dad eat it in front of you."

"I don't have anything to do with my hands!" Dean said as he flailed wildly. "That's my baby! I made him!"

"Jesus! Sam sighed before passing Buster across the table. "Take him!"

"Who's my jelly fish! Who's a Buddha Buddha!"

When Dean tried to chew off Buster's face he got a quick tiny fist right in the nose. That didn't stop Dean though, he just refocused his energy and went in for another bite. Buster seemed to be growing up with an understandable wariness of Dean, who seemed absolutely determined to eat at least one of the kids. Sam had even caught him biting Michael on the ear last week, which Alex threw a total bitch fit about because apparently those were his snacks.

"He's not crazy."

"I know that." Dean said as he dug in his bag. "He's a sweet little boy."

"And if he needs to see the doctor a few more times…that's not your fault."

"Who said it was?"

"No one." Sam smiled. "I just…"

"Didn't want crazy old Dean to think he was crazy and he made Evan crazy!"

"You're really going to have to stop yelling."

"You're just jealous that you didn't bring your own baby."

Sam really wanted to have a serious conversation but it seemed to be asking too much of Dean so early in the morning. They had already had plenty of conversations about Evan and Sam was sure that Dean was just tired of talking about it, especially when the subject of something being wrong was brought up. Instead of pushing the conversation Sam decided to just completely drop it, which worked out well because Dean had a new toy that he was dying to play with.

When Mikey was born Sam splurged on a thirty dollar diaper bag from Wal-mart. When Ethan and Evan came along he had upgraded to a much nicer, but still moderately priced bad. After giving birth to Ollie, Amy gave them a Louis Vuitton bag that she said would last forever. It had lasted a pretty long time, but then Dean gave it to Anthony when he went out and bought himself a four thousand dollar duffle bag. Sam had no idea what had possessed him to spend so much on a bag, but it was for Buster and it was big enough to hold diapers, wipes, clothes, and Dean's new favorite toy, a portable bottle warmer.

"See, you charge it, then you put the bottle in and in like a minute it's perfect."

"I know." Sam smiled. "You told me."

"It's like we're living in the future."

"Sure is."

"Did you poop? Dean asked before smelling Buster's diaper. "Oooh. That's dark sided! Sammy, I'm gonna go change him real quick."

"I'll be here."

Before he left Dean had to explain the bottle warmer one more time, which annoyed the hell out of Sam since he had already been through the forty-five minute training course. He was about to just punch Dean in the nuts, but then he spotted a tuft of bright red hair across the coffee shop. When Dean went off to change Buster, Sam had an opportunity to lean out of his seat and spy on Jason who was bundled up like an Eskimo complete with adorable striped mittens.

He was making conversation with the guy at the counter and they seemed very friendly. Instead of ordering coffee Jason got a giant hot chocolate covered in whipped cream which he then proceeded to add about a half pound of sugar to. He seemed to be going for the second half of a full pound when he finally looked over and noticed Sam watching and disapproving of his excessive use of refined sugar in an already sweetened drink.

"Hey!"

"Hi." Sam said as he scooted to the next chair. "What's going on?"

"Time to get my weekly coffee treat." Jason said before sitting down. "Cocoa."

"Looks…diabetic. How'd you get here?"

"Rode my bike. I always get my coffee treat and hang out here before I see the doctor."

"What doctor? Are you feeling bad?"

"Oh, he's a special talking doctor. Probably gonna play connect four today."

"And…his name is?"

"Dr. Mark."

"The child psychologist down the street?"

"Yep!"

Jason smiled and then took a big sip of his cocoa before unwrapping his scarf and rubbing his hands together for warmth. He actually sort of looked like a little kid, but he wasn't. He was an adult and Sam was completely perplexed as to why he was seeing a child psychologist. He thought it was great that Jason was talking to someone, and was apparently willing to do so weekly, but surely there had to be someone maybe a little more appropriate to the things he was discussing.

"Why do you see him?"

"You mean 'cuz he's for kids?"

"Yeah. He specializes in kid problems. You have adult problems."

"Michael says problems is problems." Jason said thoughtfully. "He's really nice and I like playing games with him while we talk. Jeremy reckons it must be nice for him to talk to another adult every now and then."

"You're probably right."

"His girlfriend." Jason whispered. "Is real pretty. Real nice looking. I saw them one day in here. He's a real gentleman."

"Oh…so you like him?"

"He's great! Is that the doctor you were taking Evan to?"

"Yeah." Sam nodded. "To talk."

"He's just real sweet. He's a good boy."

Sam nodded again because Jason was absolutely right. Evan was a good boy and he was going to be just fine. In that moment Sam decided to just let it go because the likelihood of Mark pronouncing Evan irreparably damaged seemed very slim, and he did have other things to worry about since it seemed one of his sweet babies was going to grow up very disturbed and it would be entirely Dean's fault. Sam actually heard Buster crying first and it just got louder and more frantic as Dean approached and handed him over at which point it promptly stopped.

"What's wrong with him!" Jason said as he looked over. "Hello!"

"I dropped him on the floor."

"Oh, God!"

"Yeah." Dean said before checking the bottle. "Dropped him on the floor…on his…head."

"Oh, God!" Jason cried again. "We need to go to the hospital!"

"Calm down, Annie." Sam sighed. "Dean."

"Hmm? Great, now you're gonna yell at me for dropping the baby on his head! I feel bad enough!"

"Where are his socks?" Sam asked. "He's missing a sock."

"I don't uh…I must have lost it when I changed his diaper."

"Socks don't come off for diaper changes." Sam said as he narrowed his eyes. "His piglets are wet."

"When I dropped him he landed in some pee."

"His piglets are wet."

Dean was the only person who would lie about dropping a baby on his head in a puddle of urine to avoid the awful truth, that he had once again unsuccessfully tried to eat Buster's toes. When Sam grabbed a napkin off the table to wipe off his sweet baby feet Buster even squirmed and blinked his gigantic brown eyes like a cute orphaned puppy. He was normally okay with having his feet touched or washed, but for some great unknown reason he didn't like when people chewed on them.

"His piglets are wet."

"Stop saying that! Fine! I tried to eat his feet, but he was asking for it!"

"Typical blaming the victim." Sam said as he took the bottle. "Get him a new pair of socks from your purse and for God's sake don't force yourself on Jason while you're doing it."

"I'm not gonna!"

"You're the worst." Jason said as he shook his head. "I'm moving you down my list of role models…below Justin."

"Justin! He lets Charlie have ice cream waffles for breakfast!"

"Ain't nothing wrong with ice cream waffles. Shoot. Tastes delicious."

Dean was going to have to be harshly disciplined later, probably in the butt, definitely at least a spanking, but in the meantime Sam was going to enjoy his coffee, the conversation, and his sweet baby boy while waiting for Evan to be done at the special talking doctor.

Twinmas, the holiday formerly known as Christmas was just a few short weeks away and Dean was determined to make the majority of his presents. He was still going to buy a shitload of toys for the kids, but the adults were getting gifts made with his own two strapping and sexy hands. Dean had thought a lot about it and vetoed a lot of really good ideas in favor of a set of really beautiful dishes. He could only throw about eight a day in his small garage studio, it would have been much easier with Todd's help in South Carolina, but Dean was making progress and he was having a lot of fun, especially when he had a helper with him.

"More war organic sugars?" Mary asked as she raised a teacup. "Scrumpers?"

"Baby, what are you doing over there?"

"Tea party."

"With who?"

"Impalah."

"She likes processed sugar and... "

"No cream, like it black, I know daddy. It's lovely. Me! No, you are lovely! Just lovely!"

Mary clinked her tea cup against the front plate of the car and then tossed it back in one shot. She had a pretty nice set up complete with a blanket, two baby doll guests and several little cookies with bright red cherry jam in the center. She said she was going to save one for Dean, but judging by the crumbs all over the front of her dress she was putting away quite a few of them. She even offered some to the car, which it politely turned down. It was just about the cutest thing Dean had ever seen and he was convinced the Impala was enjoying some quality time with another girl, he just hoped she was keeping it classy.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Why you yell?"

"No one was yelling."

"You and daddy yell. Not about Mywhoa."

Dean sighed and then looked down at the coating of clay covering his hands. There was yelling, he had yelled, Sam had yelled, Milo had yelled a little, although that was completely unrelated to Evan's appointment with Mark. They weren't fighting, things just got heated very quickly once they got home. Dean had gone out of his way to make sure Evan wouldn't hear them talking, but Milo was missing Sam and Mary didn't stray too far from her big brother. It was unfortunate that she had paid enough attention to notice it, but Dean wasn't going to beat himself up over it.

Mark wanted to see Evan again, Dean was expecting that. He was even expecting that it might be a once a week kind of thing, which is was and that was fine because Evan really liked his new grown up friend and he loved talking and playing games. Dean was less prepared for the ten minutes him and Sam spent talking to Mark privately. A little follow up was fine, but Mark had questions, awfully specific questions that were almost entirely all about Dean. That was bad enough, but Mark's very early prognosis was that all of Evan's problems were Dean's fault.

Evan was told that Spotty was his dog and his responsibility. It was his job to take care of him which essentially made him Spotty's daddy. As much as he loved Sam, Evan had decided to base his parenting style on his other daddy, which to him meant that no one else, no matter how qualified could take care of his puppy except for him. No one else knew what Spotty liked or didn't like. Spotty was inconsolable when he wasn't around and if anything happened to the dog it was entirely his fault, even it was something completely beyond his control.

To be fair Mark never mentioned Dean, since he didn't know much about how he was as a father, but he did describe him almost perfectly. At first Dean didn't feel too bad about it, but then Sam started to stare at nothing while he nodded solemnly. That was when Dean realized that it was his fault. He had made Evan a worrier, he had been responsible for all the times Evan got upset over the dog, and he was the reason Evan obsessed. Dean felt beyond horrible. He felt like a bad father, a bad man, and most of all he felt like a failure because he had failed his son. When you felt like that it was way too easy to get into an argument, even if someone like Sam was just trying to talk it out.

"What about my dress?"

"Huh?" Dean asked as he looked up. "It's the prettiest dress I've ever seen!"

"Mawmaw make me one even more frilly."

When Mary stood up and twirled the layers of her pretty pink dress spun right along with her. Just like that she had dropped her questions about yelling and Dean was beyond grateful. It was a shame Sam wasn't as distracted by frilly things because forgetting the whole argument seemed like a really good idea. Of course that wouldn't happen because Sam would want to talk endlessly until Dean was too exhausted to care anymore. That was one of the many reasons he would have been an excellent lawyer, because he could wear down anyone.

"Do you think a dress can be too frilly?"

"No! I told mawmaw, ten frills."

"Ten!" Dean yelled. "Do you think we're made of money?"

"Yes. Daddy said."

"Frills don't grow on trees!

"Daddy, I think…" Mary said before dramatically pausing. "Oh, no, daddy! Pretend to go to bed!"

Before Dean could remind her that pretending to be asleep never fooled anyone Mary threw herself to the ground, grabbed her dolls, and squeezed her eyes shut tight. She was so frantic that her tiny pink bloomers were sticking out the back of her dress and she didn't even notice. It was really cute and Dean wanted to take a picture, but his hands were still dirty. He totally wanted to pretend like he was sleeping, but before he could slump over the yelling outside the garage got louder and then the door flew open with as much force as toddler sized petulance could muster.

"Daddy!"

"What did you call me?"

"Daddy say he can't handle me!" Milo cried as he ran over. "Daddy!"

"Oh, shit…"

"Oh, no!" Milo said as he rubbed his face in Dean's lap. "Terrible!"

"Aww! What happened!"

"Hold me, daddy!"

Dean had no idea how the hell he did it, but he managed to squat down and pick Milo up using only his elbows. Normally he would have just squeezed the life out of him dirty hands and all, but Milo was of course wearing a coat by Gucci which had a reasonable price tag of just under seven hundred dollars. If there was ever any doubt that was a Sam purchase and Dean wasn't about to get a single fleck of clay on it. Once he hoisted him up Milo latched onto his neck giving Dean just enough time to swing them both over to the sink so he could wash his hands and die a little over the sweet kisses he was getting.

"Tell daddy what happened."

"Daddy send me outside, said I was bad."

"Why?"

"I want to hold the kitty." Milo said quietly. "A lot."

"Didn't we talk about that?" Dean asked as he sat Milo on the counter. "What did we say?"

"The cat is a butt."

"And?"

"Kill me dead."

"Exactly! The cat will eventually kill all of us. He's a total jerk and he's an even bigger jerk when you try to hold him."

"I want to throw him." Milo shrugged. "At the pig."

"Is that nice?"

"No."

"Daddy just didn't want you to get hurt. Remember when he tried to scratch your pretty blue eyes out? Hmm?"

"Mmhmm."

Milo wanted to play with, hold, or vigorously pet the cat so bad, but Apple Juice was a total asshole. The worst part about the cat was that instead of running away or jumping out of his reach he always let Milo pick him up or get extra close before he totally freaked out with the hissing and swatting. Sam had told Mikey several times to "Get that freaking cat in check!" but Apple Juice remained resolved to hate pretty much everyone in the family. He knew he was Mikey's. He knew who fed him, gave him water, and rewarded him with treats for tricks, and he didn't give a damn about anyone else.

"Didn't Evan say you could play with Spotty?"

"I guess." Milo shrugged. "Or the pig."

"Maybe tonight if you're a good boy Ollie will let you sleep with him and Oinkers."

"Oooh. I like it."

"Knock, knock…"

When Dean looked over Sam's giant forehead was just barely sticking into the garage. Milo may have been upset that Sam yelled at him but he sure as hell got over it quickly. His entire face lit up before he realized he had the upper hand. He snuggled in even closer to Dean and gave him a few more sweet ginger baby kisses. He was totally doing it to get to Sam, but Dean didn't care. He was going to take what he could get for as long as Milo was willing.

"Who's daddy's baby?"

"He's shaking!" Dean whispered. "Did you really tell him he was as dumb as a butt?"

"No!"

"But you did kick him out of the house for being a fat slut?"

"I put his coat on him and watched as he walked to the garage." Sam said. "Milo, you can't hold the assho…the cat."

"He told me you called him the n-word."

"Dean!"

"Fine." Dean said before putting Milo on the ground. "Go see daddy."

"I'm a good boy, daddy!"

"Yes you are!" Sam said before squatting down. "Come to daddy!"

Milo started to run right towards Sam, and Dean, for exactly 3/5ths of a second was convinced that he had turned over a new leaf and really would be a good boy. Dean then felt like a total sucker when Milo ran past Mary and without breaking his stride smacked her right on the butt. She was up off the ground like the house was on fire, but Milo had made a quick escape into Sam's arms where he would be safe, or so he thought.

"Is that nice?" Sam asked as he swatted his butt. "Hmm?"

"Daddy tell me to!"

"You little bas…You're a bad baby! You're bad!"

"Dean!"

"He's a bad boy!" Dean said before picking up Mary. "He's ten times worse than Ethan!"

"Daddy, did you see it?" Mary asked as she shook her head. "I'm a lady!"

"I know, baby. Don't worry, we'll make sure Milo is punish…Sam! Stop kissing him!"

Mary could take a lot of Milo's BS in stride, but she absolutely had no patience for anything that she deemed unladylike. Dean wasn't entirely sure where her primness had come from, but he was willing to bet that Carol's lady lessons were to blame. She took it on herself to be a strong female role model for Mary, which was just fine with Dean because his baby girl was living in a sausage factory. At some point Mary had started paying very close attention to her chats with grandma and she took issue with most things she felt were unproper, like getting smacked on the butt.

"A lady!"

"Milo, tell Mary you're sor…"

"A lady!" Mary yelled again. "A princess!"

"You fart." Milo laughed. "Poot."

"Never!"

"Apologize." Sam said sternly. "Or no dessert and no cuddles before bed."

"Geez…Sorry…Mary."

"Now go play tea party with her and be a good brother."

Mary was far from accepting any ginger headed apology, but she had never and would never turn down a chance to have a tea party. When Dean set her down she ran right back over to the car and then put a lace napkin over Milo's head like a fancy hat. He looked ridiculous and righteously pissed off that anyone would cover his beautiful red hair, but he didn't dare remove it. He just plopped down, picked up a tea cup, and sulked while Mary poured him some pretty pink princess tea.

"What a jerk."

"He's a baby, Dean."

"Yeah." Dean scoffed. "Where's the real baby? Did he go down for his nap?"

"Yes, and I left him inside."

"With a responsible adult I hope…or dad."

"He's with Evan."

"Even better."

"I put his swing in Evan's room. He's taking Ethan's absence as a chance to do some cleaning."

"Ethan's a good boy. I'm going to buy him a special treat for ever thinking he was bad."

"I want one!" Milo yelled. "I want ten!"

"You get nothing!"

"Oh, man, come on!"

"Play." Sam said as he shook a stern finger. "Dean, why don't you go talk to Evan?"

"I would, but my plan is to never be around or talk to him again."

"Dean."

Dean sighed and then plopped his magnificent butt down on his special butch guy garage stool. Avoiding Evan for even a minute was worse than anything else Dean could even think of, but making him crazy was worse. Realistically Dean knew that he hadn't purposefully set out on making Evan obsessive, but that's what had happened and it was no one else's fault. It would have been so easy to get let Sam handle a big boy talk with Evan, but he was basically pouting and Dean was a weak bitch when it came to that shit.

"I've messed him up."

"Says who?" Sam asked. "Dean, if our son emulates you now then all that means to me is that he'll grow up and be an amazing, generous, caring man, and a damn fine father."

"Not a crazy one?"

"Well…You do know Buster isn't on the precipice of death, right?"

"He's just so tiny." Dean frowned. "But then you were tiny too."

"And now I've got a nine inch dick and I'm like eight feet tall."

"I hope the kids all have your wiener."

"I don't know." Sam said before leaning in close. "I like what you're working with. It's so pretty."

Sam bit down hard on Dean's earlobe causing him to jump off the stool. There was also some jumping in his pants, but he had to ignore that because he had a very important daddy discussion to have with Evan. Mary was of course outraged that Dean was leaving her tea party, but she was thrilled when Sam folded his long ass legs up and sat on the floor with her and Milo. Before he left the garage Dean did get his cookie, so it wasn't like he had missed all the fun.

Evan and Buster were right where Sam said they would be. Buster was in his little swing sweetly dozing and Evan was right next to him rocking him a little. The swing moved all on it's own, but Evan seemed to be enjoying himself so Dean didn't even turn it on, he just sat down on the ground and presented his right cheek. Evan gave him a big kiss right away and then scooted over so he could sit in Dean's lap and rock Buster at the same time.

"You're doing a good job taking care of him."

"He doesn't like that motor, daddy. I turned it off."

"That was nice."

"And when Milo said he wanted to throw the cat at the pig I said "Dude, not your best idea." Then he said he knew the best and he made the rules and that I had poo hair."

"Well, all parties involved seem unscathed."

Oinkers and Spotty were both napping on the edge of the rug like two good little boys. When Dean looked over at them Oinkers actually opened one eye to check things out and grunted a little before rolling over onto his side. Ollie loved that pig more than anything and yet he was a lot more rational than Evan had ever been about the dog. Maybe it was because Ollie was younger or Evan was more observant, Dean wasn't sure, he just needed to say and do whatever he could to make things better.

"Mark's pretty cool."

"Is he?" Dean asked. "I think he wants to kiss Sammy."

"He has a girlfriend. Super weird, right? He was asking all these questions so I wanted to ask questions and that's when he told me he didn't have a husband or a boyfriend."

"Hmm. Well, whatever works for him I guess. Love me some Sammy though."

"Oh, me too, daddy. You know what else he said?"

"What?"

"He said." Evan said before looking back. "That even if you're the best daddy in the world there's no way you could take care of all of us by yourself. That's why you have daddy and grandpa. Why we have Aaron and Jeremy and uncle Bruce and Anthony…I guess Amy too? I can't really imagine her taking care of anyone though."

"She's your mom!"

"Almost as weird as dating girls. Anyway, that makes a lot of sense to me so when I'm at school I guess you and daddy can handle Spotty just fine."

"Evan…why didn't you say anything about this in the car?"

"Because you were weird and melodramatic. Daddy, sometimes you're downright tedious. I'm going to talk to Mark about it."

Dean had, and Sam too, mostly Sam, had gotten themselves so worked up about what might be wrong with Evan instead of just talking to him. Dean wasn't so sure he liked the idea of a stranger assuming he wasn't an all powerful daddy superhero, but that sort of maybe seemed besides the point. It was way too easy to think of Mark as some big bad guy but clearly he was very good at what he did because Evan really did seem very nonchalant.

"Sometimes dogs get sick, just like people, but that's why we have the vet. Spotty likes going there because he gets a milk bone and our picture is on the wall."

"You talked about him getting sick?"

"Well." Evan sighed. "I guess I worry about that sometimes."

"You don't have to worry about anything, Evan. Me and Sammy aren't going to let anything happen to Spotty when you're not around. He spends times with Oinkers, he takes plenty of naps and we go outside all the time."

"What if he runs away?"

"That's silly." Dean smiled. "Why would anyone ever run away from someone as sweet as you?"

Evan giggled a little and then turned around and gave Dean an almost full body hug around the belly. He was too small to reach all the was around, but it was still a damn fine hug, one of the best Dean had ever gotten. When you were a parent, especially a parent with such a large family it was sometimes hard to give everyone the attention they deserved, but when Dean could manage it he was rewarded with the best moments of his life. He kissed Evan on the top is his head and breathed in that sweet, fruity, and soapy scent of his Sam colored hair and then squeezed him back just tight enough to last forever.

"Thanks, daddy."

"No problem, baby."

"Don't tell daddy, but I said when I grow up I want to be just like you."

"Because I'm a much better daddy?"

"What?" Evan asked as he backed away. "No, because you're petite. You ever seen a seven foot tall danseur? What ballerina can jump that high?"

"But I am better. It's okay, you can tell me."

"Soooo tedious!"

"I know I'm better looking."

"You're compact like an armadillo with a firm chest like a walrus and hair like Owen Wilson."

"Wow." Dean whispered. "Good talk."

"And maybe…just maybe…you're a different kind of daddy."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, daddy has to tell Ethan to not be bad and he's the only reason Ollie isn't as fat as a sea cow, but you'll take Milo and throw him twenty feet in the air or you'll wrestle Ethan in the grass with no regard for stains. Daddy wouldn't do that, he's too rich."

"Very true." Dean smiled. "You're a smart kid."

"And you're short, but you're the best daddy you can be, and that's pretty good."

"Better than Justin, right?"

"Who eats ice cream waffles for breakfast! That's not a balanced meal!"

"Right!"

"Do you think it would be bad to trick daddy into making birthday cake for dessert?"

"Evan." Dean said seriously. "It's never bad to trick daddy. You look upset, I'll go to the grocery store."

"Deal! Birthday cake is my favorite kind of cake."

"Me too, buddy, me too."

"Want to take a nap with me daddy?"

"That…that's an excellent idea."

"Awesome!"

Dean pulled off his boots and then moved Buster closer to the side of Evan's bed. He got in first and then let Evan squeezed in next to him with Spotty and Oinkers still keeping watch. The bed was way too small for an adult, especially a super tall one like Dean, but he still managed to hold Evan tight and drift off for an hour or so of well deserved rest.

After dinner and impromptu birthday cake Sam cleaned the kitchen, made a new list for the grocery store, and then went into the office to check his email. There was nothing interesting besides a few panicked messages from Larry about nothing worth panicking over, erotic fan fiction that Jared had written which Sam decided to save until he had a drink or seven in his hand, and a link to a photo album that contained exactly three hundred and forty-two pictures of Amy and Auden's new baby girls.

Given their superior gene pool their offensive adorableness was no big surprise. They both seemed to have light eyes and maybe light hair, but Sam knew that was all subject to change as they got older. They looked exactly how Sam thought they would except he couldn't tell if they were identical or not. Neither could Auden, Amy, or the doctors for that matter. Auden could tell them apart, but Sam had always been able to tell Ethan and Evan apart and they were completely identical. If they weren't identical they were very close and any differences they had probably weren't going to be apparent until they were older.

Instead of looking at all of the pictures by himself Sam went upstairs to find Dean and check on the progress of bath time. He found Mikey and Mary first in the kid's bathroom. Mikey still hadn't taken his shower yet and Mary was in the middle of her nightly bubble filled soak. The top of her head was just barely sticking out from the bubbles and she was having a big conversation with Mikey while she relaxed. Dean had already bathed her and Mikey was just keeping an eye on her while she soaked, which was her absolute favorite thing to do.

When Sam got to the master bathroom he expected to find the rest of the kids all piled in the tub together with Dean pretending to be a sea monster, but instead he saw a perfectly shaped, and downright delicious looking bubbly butt pressed up against the glass of the shower. Then he saw a much smaller one followed by an outburst of giggles. Sam was always suspicious of giggles so he immediately pulled the door to the shower open and let the steam out amid lots of yelling about letting the cold in.

Dean was standing near the shower bench looking like he had gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar while Milo pressed his tiny white butt up against the glass again and then retreated to the opposite tile wall. Ollie and Evan were in the middle of the deep conditioning routine and Ethan was, of course, peeing down the drain and laughing his fool head off about it.

Dean's hair was shaped into an impressive shampoo mohawk and he was covered in soap suds from the knees down, where his helpers could scrub for him. He figured that if he was going to wash out someone's butt the least they could do is get his tootsies nice and clean. Sam was probably going to suck on them later, but in the meantime he reached into the shower and pushed Dean out of the way to see what he was trying unsuccessfully to hide.

On the bench, in his little bath seat, was Buster looking completely content and amused with tiny rubber crab on his belly. He was trying to pick it up, but he was really just moving it around and smiling his head off. Judging by the fluffiness of his wet hair he had already been bathed and was just chilling and enjoying the steam while Dean played and the kids took their own bath.

"Care to join us?"

"That'll end well." Sam chuckled. "There's a lot of sausage in this shower."

"Wrinkly sausage. Line up against the wall!"

"Hey daddy!" Milo waved. "Taking a shower!"

"I see that!"

Milo smiled and then joined everyone else against the wall. Dean soaped up, hosed down, and rinsed off everyone in just about two minutes. Milo slapped his hand away three times, but then he just sighed dramatically and let Dean clean him off. When he was done Dean briskly soaped himself up, then hosed off while the kids covered their faces to avoid soap in the eyes from way up high.

While Dean was doing final rinse offs and ushering everyone out of the shower Sam took the opportunity to grab Buster's robe off the hook behind the door. Sam had never understood baby sized robes that came complete with belts and pockets, but he also didn't understand why the hell anyone would ever not want to put their baby in something so ridiculously adorable and fluffy. Buster robe was dark brown and so soft Sam wanted to have some footie pajamas made for himself out of the same material.

Sam loved him some squeaky wet baby butt fresh out of the shower and he did kiss all over Buster about ten times before putting him in his robe and walking out of the bathroom to sit with him on the bed. Since Dean was busy getting everyone dried off and dressed Sam decided to just hang out with Buster. Not having him in a diaper was extremely dangerous, but a little pee never hurt anyone, not even the expensive bed linens, Buster was just that cute.

"You are a sweet baby boy!" Sam said as he propped Buster up against his legs. "I'm going to give you ten thousand kisses. Mwah! Look at you! Comfy and warm in your robe, hair game is on point, and your big brown eyes! Are you looking at daddy with your big brown eyes!"

Buster was giving Sam the side eye, but he did crack a big smile before he started to chew on his hand a little. Sam got in on the other hand and even blew a few raspberries on Buster's neck which made him break out with a fit of quiet baby gurgle-giggles. He was just about the most precious thing in the world and Sam completely understood why Dean never wanted to put him down. Sam didn't want to put him down either, he didn't want to be bothered with anyone or anything else, but parents in big families rarely got time to devote to just one child.

"Daddy!" Ethan yelled as he barged into the room. "We need to talk."

"Where are you pants and/or underwear?"

"I'm freeballin'."

"Interesting choice. Your outie is looking like an innie, by which I mean your wiener. We got a turtle situation going on."

"Daddy, this is serious business!"

"Oh, sorry. Go on."

"I need to go to the talking doctor because I have so many emotions!"

"Emotions?" Sam asked. "Which ones?"

"I'm so angry!" Ethan said before punching and kicking the air. "And sexy! Conflict! Drama! The feels!"

"Okay, I can't take you seriously when your little smoky is hanging out."

"Regret! Diva! Fusion! Black friends! Interfaces! Mainframes! Lusty pirates!"

"Lusty pi…"

"Saucy! Complicated! Voice of my generation! Expectations! Fancy cheeses! Social anxiety! Poo hair insecurity!"

"Pants!" Sam yelled as he pointed to the door. "And underwear!"

"Supah-star!"

As soon as Ethan left the room Mary walked in. When they passed each other she looked at his butt and made a face like she just ate a lemon before climbing up into the bed and patiently waiting. She had with her a little pink bag that was filled with her after bath accessories including her comb, her products, and a few different sock options. While she waited she laid everything out on the bedspread and then got a dollop of fancy lotion for her hands before turning to Sam and smiling.

"Hi daddy!"

"Hey, baby. Daddy's getting everyone dressed, he'll be back in a second to do your hair."

"And cream."

"Of course. Proper moisturizing is extremely important."

"Yes." Mary nodded. "It is. Smell!"

"Oooh, that's luxurious."

Mary nodded again and then continued to massage her little hands together while she waited for Dean. Her lotion of choice was made by Guerlain and at over a hundred dollars a tube it was clearly something Amy had gotten her started on. Sam tried to switch it out with some five dollar stuff from Target, but Mary was not having it. She wanted her special lotion so once a month Sam went to Saks and bought a new bottle. He would also restock his three hundred dollar La Prarie Skin Caviar, but he was an adult with adult skin, not a two year old with skin like butter.

"Did Mikey give you your bath?"

"Daddy did. Then Mikey stays for a chat."

"About what?"

"All things." Mary said thoughtfully. "A good brother."

"Oh yeah, better than all of mine."

"I heard that." Dean said as he walked into the room. "Diaper, socks, onesie, matching hat. It's freezing outside, baby!"

"Too cold for no pants."

Dean nodded very seriously and then pounced on Mary for between ten and fifteen kisses. Sam briefly considered dressing Buster, but while it may have been cold outside it was toasty inside. He seemed perfectly happy in his robe and Sam was enjoying patting his fat little naked butt. He was such a good boy but he was suspiciously eyeing Dean with one tiny arched eyebrow. Sam understood the apprehensive since daddy was a tiny bit crazy sometimes.

"You're so pretty I want to puke my face off!"

"You, daddy!" Mary said as she held up her leg. "Get my knees good."

"Will do! Sammy, how's that baby?"

"He's like a warm chicken. Look at him looking at you. Who's that! Who are you looking at!"

"It's daddy! I'm going to eat your face off and then chew on your ears and then…"

"Dude." Sam said as he shook his head. "You gotta work on that."

"I want to eat him, Sammy. He's so delicious looking."

"No, daddy." Mary said as she reached in her bag. "Don't eat that baby."

"I agree with Mary."

Dean looked conflicted and ashamed of himself for just about three seconds before Buster smiled at him and then rubbed his eyes with his tiny hands. It was true that he was a very sickly baby and barely clinging to life. If he survived there was a very good chance that Dean would devour him, but until that happened he was very happy and very well taken care of. Sam even stopped patting his baby soft butt to put his clothes on while Dean very carefully worked the comb through Mary's golden hair.

"Something's weird." Sam said as he dressed Buster. "Why aren't there like six more kids in here yelling at us. Why isn't Milo hanging on to the side of my head?"

"Mikey is reading them a story."

"He's extra helpful tonight. I don't trust him."

"He's going to…v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n at J-o-h-n-s…place where he lives until t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w."

"Hey!" Mary said as she spun around. "What was it? What did you say?"

"Nothing my pretty princess! Adult things!"

"He's sleeping at da…"

"Shh! Shhhoop shoop a doop you packed and you stacked especially in the back…"

"Oh." Sam whispered. "A solo excursion."

"Yeah." Dean said with a nod towards Mary. "That…"

"Any reason why?"

"Nope, he just said to keep it quiet."

"Hmm."

Sam found it a little odd that Mikey was sleeping over at John's by himself especially because he never wanted to make anyone feel left out. Mary clearly wasn't buying it because she was trying to sound out Dean's stealthy spellings. He had to be pretty smooth with it because if he had spelled grandpa or sleepover she'd totally know what he was talking about. After a minute or two she just gave up and proceeded to give lengthy instructions on how she wanted her hair done.

"If you want a blow out you gonna have to wait. I need to eat half a sandwich, pick at my nails and call to check on my kids."

"Fish braids."

"Oh, come on." Dean frowned. "What about a nice high top fade?"

"Fish braids."

"That sounds like you want two of them."

"One and two, French fish braids."

"French!"

"Come on, daddy." Mary said before nudging him in the stomach. "Got things to do."

"Like what?" Sam asked. "It's bedtime."

"Then bedtime, come on, quit messin' back there."

Dean sighed like no man should ever sigh and then went to work on two fish braids for his baby girl. Sam actually felt a little bad for him because he could handle a normal braid just fine, he even excelled at them, but any variation was just expecting way too much. Mary's super fine hair didn't help matters and it only took a second for Dean to basically knot his hands up. He could have panicked, but instead he worked slowly, combed out the knots he made, and in the end did a somewhat passable job. It didn't really matter anyway because in the morning Mary's hair would be completely crazy and Dean would have to do the whole thing over again.

"Beautiful! Ooh, Mikey, look what daddy did!"

"Wow!" Mikey said as he walked into the room. "He did all that with his eyes closed?"

"Hey! I'd like to see you do better! Did you finish taking care of your siblings like we're some hillbilly Appalachian family? Me and maw gonna get drunk on shine."

"Yes, I read them a story and they'll all asleep in Ollie's room."

"All…" Sam said before he paused. "All of them? Who kissed Milo goodnight?"

"Me. He told me to kiss his bandit, I think that's his butt?"

"Oh, yeah." Mary said as she crawled to the top of the bed. "He call it a bandit."

"Huh." Sam whispered. "Hey, are you sleeping in here?"

"Uh, yeah." Mary laughed. "Get a memo."

"No way, me and Sammy need to do stuff."

"No, you do enough stuff to daddy."

"Me!"

"Dean, she's right."

"Daddy." Mikey whispered. "Can you come "Tuck me in"?"

"Why fingers? Daddy, what does it mean?"

Sam shrugged and pretended like he had no idea what was going on while Dean gave Mikey a wink and a nod. After a goodnight kiss Mikey was on his way and Sam was alone in the bedroom with Buster and Mary. Buster was still just hanging out, but Mary was situated under the covers and getting a little antsy because when Dean wasn't around she got to be the best big sister in the world, which was very important. After getting herself thoroughly prepared she accepted Buster into her open arms and he cooed like it was going out of style.

"Can you be the best big sister ever and hold him while I change into my jammies?"

"Yeah, I can do it."

"You sure?" Sam asked. "He's a pretty big responsibility. Like a pig and a beagle mix."

"I got it, daddy! Stay still, hold his big head."

"Wow, you're a big girl."

"I know it!"

Sam nodded enthusiastically and then backed away from the side of the bed. Mary loved her baby dolls, the only thing she loved more was her real baby that she didn't get to hold often enough. Sam saw no problem with her holding Buster, but of course Daddy Worrymuch just knew something terrible was going to happen. It remained unclear what could happen when she was sitting completely still and being very responsible, but whatever it was was bound to be just dreadful.

After changing into some pajama pants and a t-shirt Sam went into the bathroom to pee one last time, wash his face, and brush his teeth. He had cracked the door so Mary would feel like she was left completely alone with Buster, but Sam could still hear some very faint singing coming from the bedroom. It was pretty cute and he wanted to rush back to listen more closely, but instead he took his time so Mary could spend some time alone with Buster.

When he left the bathroom a couple of minutes later Mary was right where he had left her and Buster was sleeping, but he was still very much alive. As Sam approached Mary held a finger to her lips to make sure that he stayed absolutely quiet and didn't wake up her sweet baby brother. Lucky for all involved, Buster liked to get his sleep on and when he was out he was out. Sam gently took him away, wrapped him up so he'd be nice and warm and then gave him a kiss before putting him down in his bassinette next to Dean's side of the bed.

"Well." Dean said as he walked back into the room. "Evan is hugging the dog, Ethan is hugging Ollie who's hugging the pig, and Milo was sleeping under the bed."

"Everyone as they should be. Did you know who get to you know where?"

"Yeah, you know who walked over here. Tried to kiss me, you know, the usual."

"Hi, daddy!"

"Hey, baby. Why are you still awake? Go to sleep and stop rooster blocking."

"I can sleep here, daddy?" Mary asked. "Please?"

"I guess." Dean said before pulling back the covers. "You know Sammy used to sleep with pretty young blondes all the time."

"Really?"

"Just Mikey." Sam smiled. "Mary, if you end up under the covers sleeping on my stomach, watch your elbows, knees, and feet."

"Hah! Remember when you tried to fluff up daddy's junk and he started crying?"

"I punch the pillow!"

"Come here." Sam said before pulling Mary against his chest. "I'm going to keep you in a kung fu grip."

"'Kay!"

"I better get Buster…I don't want him to feel left out…"

"Dean, leave him alone."

"I don't have anyone to cuddle!"

"Come over here, daddy!"

"Yeah, daddy, get over here."

Dean grinned and then flipped off the lamp on the nightstand before scooting to the middle of the bed and hugging Sam and Mary extra right. Sam was worried that Mary might kick him in the nuts to make him more comfortable to sleep on, but maybe it was worth it to sleep next to such a sweet little girl and her handsome daddy.