θ 20a - Descent into madness (Private; Non-hackable)
[the sphere broadcasts what's going on very late at night, deep in the forest. chances are, everyone's asleep or lost in their own nightmares, so this little episode of his goes unnoticed.
thank goodness too. he wouldn't want anyone to see him like this, and certainly not those he cares for and care for him in turn.]
[he sits huddled with his long brown coat pulled over his head, offering a momentary reprieve from the rain--but it does nothing to keep the voices away, or shut out the shadows that have come to linger in his vision. no matter where he looks, there they are. sometimes they are different; people he barely got to meet and know and still they died protecting him. he'd learn their names later, but funny thing about names--they all blur together for a man who has seen so much death.
sadly, this is true too for his own people. he can merely distinguish them from the others by the clothing, of all things. but their words are the same: "Doctor, why did you let me die?"]
[and then there are others. the ones he knew--the ones he laughed with, drank a pint with, shared some moment of his long life with. they're the ones he can't stand to face now. he knows in the back of his mind that their jeers and cries are mere products of his hallucinations. that they don't really blame him for their deaths. he wants to believe that too. so, so very badly right now.
but guilt is an awful thing, and when it's been buried over and over for centuries and never (or hardly) addressed properly, it's bound to spill over at some point. or blow up in one's face, whichever happens first.]
[for days, he's tried to ignore them, tune out their voices, but the more he's fought, the harder it's become for him to do so. he was able to grasp onto some semblance of his saner self talking to the others, but even then he could feel himself slowly slipping away.
and really...he doesn't know when he finally did lose his hold. perhaps that fight with the puppeteer was what finally plucked the last vestige of sanity away from him...]
[if anyone heard him now, they'd hear the one-sided rantings of mad man. and how right they would be.]
No, no, no...that's not right. And don't say I'm the one who's wrong. You know I'm always right. Always have been about these things, and you know that!
[slowly, he lets his coat fall back down over his wet head, and he puts his arms back into the sleeves as he listens to the others talk. a couple of his hallucinations are seated in front of him and his eyes flicker back and forth between them as they discuss the matter at hand.]
Hmm, you do have a point... I've grown soft being on that damn ship. Yes, that much I will concede to you.
But you're right. This time three months ago, all hell began breaking loose too. And now we know there's a murderer amongst us, the one who killed the captain back then. That person could have been here the entire time, pretending to be a lost passenger like the rest of us and I was none the wiser to--! [he falls silent again and nods, a smile growing on his face]
Well, that is the simplest solution, isn't it? After all, someone's bound to know something even if they themselves don't realise it yet. But who? Who, out of all of them, would know? And who's behind Captain Ganymede's murder? And the ship crash--for all of it?! [bitterness and disgust leaks into his voice.] You know damned well I'm not that easy to catch and yet, here I am! The Doctor without his proper TARDIS. I can't even fix my sonic screwdriver properly; the tools are so ridiculously primitive around here.
Someone is pulling the strings in this whole affair and I've got to find out who. [he jumps to his feet, but too quickly; he wobbles and rests back against the trunk of the tree, holding an arm out like that spectre had been the one to steady him and not the tree.] Thank you. I wouldn't have fallen, but thank you all the same.
[his face suddenly twists with anger] No, I will not sit down and rest. How can I when they are all in danger?! How dare you even suggest such a thing? I have to do something to save them all!
But someone out there knows...something. And another someone is responsible for it all... I just have to find out who! Surely, some of the ones who left for good would know, but I can't exactly ask them, now can I?
No...not them. But some have returned. And there's the new arrivals. Always, always new arrivals even though that ship is dead...
And then there's those of us who've been here since the beginning...
[a grin slowly breaks across his features, but even this grin makes his hallucinations shudder involuntarily.] That person's out there still pulling people away from their homes. And I'll find that person. I've let him--or her, yes, could be a her too, or an it--whoever it is, I've let them hide in plain sight for long enough.
I won't let any more harm come to the passengers.
And if I have to--[the transmission ends suddenly, the sphere mysteriously shut off.]
[ooc: My apologies! This isn't the crazy entry I said I'd put up for the questioning/kidnapping thing I had in mind. No, that one's much shorter, and I did mean it coming out Friday night, EST time (stupid timezones ;_;). I meant to have this one up far, far earlier than I did, and I'm so sorry for making people jump the gun. *fails*]
thank goodness too. he wouldn't want anyone to see him like this, and certainly not those he cares for and care for him in turn.]
[he sits huddled with his long brown coat pulled over his head, offering a momentary reprieve from the rain--but it does nothing to keep the voices away, or shut out the shadows that have come to linger in his vision. no matter where he looks, there they are. sometimes they are different; people he barely got to meet and know and still they died protecting him. he'd learn their names later, but funny thing about names--they all blur together for a man who has seen so much death.
sadly, this is true too for his own people. he can merely distinguish them from the others by the clothing, of all things. but their words are the same: "Doctor, why did you let me die?"]
[and then there are others. the ones he knew--the ones he laughed with, drank a pint with, shared some moment of his long life with. they're the ones he can't stand to face now. he knows in the back of his mind that their jeers and cries are mere products of his hallucinations. that they don't really blame him for their deaths. he wants to believe that too. so, so very badly right now.
but guilt is an awful thing, and when it's been buried over and over for centuries and never (or hardly) addressed properly, it's bound to spill over at some point. or blow up in one's face, whichever happens first.]
[for days, he's tried to ignore them, tune out their voices, but the more he's fought, the harder it's become for him to do so. he was able to grasp onto some semblance of his saner self talking to the others, but even then he could feel himself slowly slipping away.
and really...he doesn't know when he finally did lose his hold. perhaps that fight with the puppeteer was what finally plucked the last vestige of sanity away from him...]
[if anyone heard him now, they'd hear the one-sided rantings of mad man. and how right they would be.]
No, no, no...that's not right. And don't say I'm the one who's wrong. You know I'm always right. Always have been about these things, and you know that!
[slowly, he lets his coat fall back down over his wet head, and he puts his arms back into the sleeves as he listens to the others talk. a couple of his hallucinations are seated in front of him and his eyes flicker back and forth between them as they discuss the matter at hand.]
Hmm, you do have a point... I've grown soft being on that damn ship. Yes, that much I will concede to you.
But you're right. This time three months ago, all hell began breaking loose too. And now we know there's a murderer amongst us, the one who killed the captain back then. That person could have been here the entire time, pretending to be a lost passenger like the rest of us and I was none the wiser to--! [he falls silent again and nods, a smile growing on his face]
Well, that is the simplest solution, isn't it? After all, someone's bound to know something even if they themselves don't realise it yet. But who? Who, out of all of them, would know? And who's behind Captain Ganymede's murder? And the ship crash--for all of it?! [bitterness and disgust leaks into his voice.] You know damned well I'm not that easy to catch and yet, here I am! The Doctor without his proper TARDIS. I can't even fix my sonic screwdriver properly; the tools are so ridiculously primitive around here.
Someone is pulling the strings in this whole affair and I've got to find out who. [he jumps to his feet, but too quickly; he wobbles and rests back against the trunk of the tree, holding an arm out like that spectre had been the one to steady him and not the tree.] Thank you. I wouldn't have fallen, but thank you all the same.
[his face suddenly twists with anger] No, I will not sit down and rest. How can I when they are all in danger?! How dare you even suggest such a thing? I have to do something to save them all!
But someone out there knows...something. And another someone is responsible for it all... I just have to find out who! Surely, some of the ones who left for good would know, but I can't exactly ask them, now can I?
No...not them. But some have returned. And there's the new arrivals. Always, always new arrivals even though that ship is dead...
And then there's those of us who've been here since the beginning...
[a grin slowly breaks across his features, but even this grin makes his hallucinations shudder involuntarily.] That person's out there still pulling people away from their homes. And I'll find that person. I've let him--or her, yes, could be a her too, or an it--whoever it is, I've let them hide in plain sight for long enough.
I won't let any more harm come to the passengers.
And if I have to--[the transmission ends suddenly, the sphere mysteriously shut off.]
[ooc: My apologies! This isn't the crazy entry I said I'd put up for the questioning/kidnapping thing I had in mind. No, that one's much shorter, and I did mean it coming out Friday night, EST time (stupid timezones ;_;). I meant to have this one up far, far earlier than I did, and I'm so sorry for making people jump the gun. *fails*]