(no subject)
there has been a combination of struggles in my life right now that i really just need to get off my chest.
#1- take your fuciking meds you crazy mother fucker
Now that I'm kinda on my own, I don't have my mother setting out my meds for me in the morning everyday. It's not like I hate taking my meds - i know i need them - there's no other solution to a chemical imbalance than adding the proper amount of chemicals. I've accpted that i need to do that the rest of my life, but that's not the problem. Honestly, when that alarm clock goes off in the morning, the last thing i'm thinking about is taking pills; i'm thinking about class i'm thinking about shit that i need to get done that day, i'm trying to wake up, yano? and I take my meds every time i do remember, but i'll go 3 days without it, and then a couple days with it, and then like 2 days without it again. If the medication isn't continuous, the treatment wont work. and really that's my problem, i'm feeling the effects of not taking it. I've put up a sign on my mirror at school saying "did you take your pills today?" but i think i'm also going to put one on my computer, because i'm always looking at my computer. OH - and then, sometimes i forget if i have taken it or not. fucking shit yano?
i should get one of those pill boxes sohuldn't I? *sigh* i'll try it out...UGH! i also eat when i get upset. omfg do i eat. lol. >.< i don't wannt get fat >.<
#2 - I want to quit smoking weed
I never thought it'd be possible to get addicted to something so bad that isn't even physical. I mean, i know i'm the dumb one in the first place for smoking it anyway, i realize it, but you must realize that i do understand what it does to me and i believe that smoking weed is better than drinking, snorting cocaine, dropping acid, etc.. those things, i have and neverr will do, for if i should ever, I will end up more mentally fucked up than i already am. Why i smoke it then? because i enjoy it and it doesn't eat apart your brain. you get high then get hungry that's it. BUT.......*drum roll*...i am feeling tired, bored all the time, ect. etc. I'm honestly not smoking as much weed as i did in highschool, so i'm not trying to make it seem like i'm smoking enery minute of my life. i have actually felt guilt and paranoid latly(which of corse is another affect of the drug itself), but when my depression DOES start to kick in, i feel like i HAVE to smoke in order to subside feelings for self mutilation(which again is why i need to take my fucking meds).
#3 - i want to quit smoking weed(part 2)
Ok, ummmmm....I want to work in law enforcement, LOL, and honestly - you can't do drugs and be an effective, coherent officer of any stature. annnnnnnndddd what i want more than anything in the world is to be working on criminal cases for my future career. so i kinda feel really guilt, like BEYOND guilty when i smoke, but fucking, everyone does shit they know they're not supposed to do, but do it anyway because you gotta. it's just something i have to deal with at this point in my life, and it's going to take time for me. I've been working harder this year than i've ever had to in my life. I'm literally trying to control my own brain ok? lol. try controling the thing that controls you. I almost feel, that because i'm so messed up in the head, i'd be able to get inside, or even understand psycho offenders. In order for me to enter law enforcemnt, i have to take care of my own problems and get a hold on taking my meds everyday so that i can be mentally fit.
#4 - fucking... uh..get friends?
i know i know, i have friends. but they're not with me at college and at college...hehe i don't go to parties and i'm not in any clubs-so i don't know anyone. i have to stop being so worried about disapproval from people...although i've been called strange and weird many more times than i can count within this schoolyear. I duno if it is even soley disaproval that's makeing me always walk away up to my room, but fucking... i duno. i haven't really met anyone yet, that's all. i stayed to myself and havn't found a set group of gal friends. I will though - next year.
all this shit is entwined like a YARN ball!
*sigh*
it's like..i'm laying down my mental conquest and i'm gettin a little lost. :-/
other than all that shit. lol i've been fine. I try not to let all that shit get to me. I try to use my anger and frustration to get my work done and stuff. if i'm bored, i'll do some homework and get angry at thoughts of smoking yano? i'm just kinda tryin to figure out how to work things. It's just part of my life that i need to leave behind now. I need to establish control over my life.