The Fifteen Phases of a Fantastic Date...
"'Yup sure I do, I confess; I think you'd look good in a white dress, I admit...', which one of us wrote that?" I asked.
"I think it was Aiden." Kyle said. Clara rolled her eyes. Aiden leaned back in his chair with his hands clasped behind his head. Matches snarled, and Blisters grinned.
And all the king's horses and all the king's men
Were finally all on the same page again.
Phase one; Show up an hour late, not even at her house but at the place that she works because no Whitesborian in his right mind knows their way around Deerfield.
Phase two; Take your car, even though hers is nicer and roomier. It's more or less about not having to move Victoria when it's a million degrees outside.
Phase three; Immediately regret that decision because her air conditioning works and KISA has a tendency to just let her contents burn.
Phase four; Go to Bremmer's to buy alcohol for some of the kids from the band, and then end up not doing it because they don't have enough money for some trendy new vodka you've never even heard of, but it's worth it because they're like "Holy shit, who's the girl in the white dress?" And then just snicker and smile and walk away. It feels nice to be looked up to.
Phase five; Go to Barnes and Noble to see the old gang. Okay, that's a lie, it's mostly to just show off the sleek beauty you're toting around for the day. Okay, that's a lie, it's mostly just to shove it in Carrie's face.
Phase six; Drive around for a little while trying to find a place to park that isn't in the blistering fucking sun. Oh, here are my sunglasses.
Phase seven; Park under the trees at your favorite park and put on the Sherwood CD. Not just because it's her favorite band, but because you can't bare to listen to any of your own music or the radio. It's all stupid rap bullshit and for some reason a CD of old person music that no one has ever wanted to listen to.
Phase eight; After about ten minutes get out and stretch your legs. Take some time to notice that in this part of the park there aren't any other cars and then notice how tan and perfect her skin is. Make a note to self about how thin she is. Maybe one hundred pounds soaking wet. Laugh to self about getting her soaking wet. Wonder where she'd even buy a dress like that.
Phase nine; Comment on how she looks like she's ready to go out to a cotillion, whereas you wore your Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt and your faded jeans because you're a fucking idiot.
Phase ten; Invite her into the back seat for a drink. If she comments on how it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon politely explain that you meant lemonade, even though your options are gin, Miller Light and a Saranac Pale Ale you don't remember acquiring.
Phase eleven; Make your move. Have sex five times over the course of four hours. When she comments on how good you are try not to comment on the fact that you are, in fact, a good boy in bed.
Phase twelve; When you're in the middle of a 69 scenario and you hear the very same kids you were going to buy alcohol for earlier show up at the park, don't throw her off. You might think you have very few options here, but people watching is a turn on for you and she'll just have to deal with that.
Phase thirteen; Get out, straighten up and walk over to where your friends are to say 'hi'. Let them call you 'king of the park'. It's clearly a term of endearment. When she asks them if they enjoyed the show and then asks to get back to it, smile gingerly at your bandmates and bid them adieu. They will spend the rest of their lives trying to be like you.
Phase fourteen; She hasn't been wearing her pink underwear for the entire day now and night has fallen and you need to be at work soon. Don't tell her they're still crumpled up in the back seat of your car. This will give her a reason to come back tomorrow.
Phase fifteen; Have sex one more time before you bring her home. Note that with the exception of the few virginities you've taken that she is in fact the tightest girl you've ever been with. Kiss her goodnight and bring her back to the car.
And then she came to work and kept me company all night! And we're gonna go pick out a cat tomorrow! Yay. Cat. Meow.
-The whole gang
"I think it was Aiden." Kyle said. Clara rolled her eyes. Aiden leaned back in his chair with his hands clasped behind his head. Matches snarled, and Blisters grinned.
And all the king's horses and all the king's men
Were finally all on the same page again.
Phase one; Show up an hour late, not even at her house but at the place that she works because no Whitesborian in his right mind knows their way around Deerfield.
Phase two; Take your car, even though hers is nicer and roomier. It's more or less about not having to move Victoria when it's a million degrees outside.
Phase three; Immediately regret that decision because her air conditioning works and KISA has a tendency to just let her contents burn.
Phase four; Go to Bremmer's to buy alcohol for some of the kids from the band, and then end up not doing it because they don't have enough money for some trendy new vodka you've never even heard of, but it's worth it because they're like "Holy shit, who's the girl in the white dress?" And then just snicker and smile and walk away. It feels nice to be looked up to.
Phase five; Go to Barnes and Noble to see the old gang. Okay, that's a lie, it's mostly to just show off the sleek beauty you're toting around for the day. Okay, that's a lie, it's mostly just to shove it in Carrie's face.
Phase six; Drive around for a little while trying to find a place to park that isn't in the blistering fucking sun. Oh, here are my sunglasses.
Phase seven; Park under the trees at your favorite park and put on the Sherwood CD. Not just because it's her favorite band, but because you can't bare to listen to any of your own music or the radio. It's all stupid rap bullshit and for some reason a CD of old person music that no one has ever wanted to listen to.
Phase eight; After about ten minutes get out and stretch your legs. Take some time to notice that in this part of the park there aren't any other cars and then notice how tan and perfect her skin is. Make a note to self about how thin she is. Maybe one hundred pounds soaking wet. Laugh to self about getting her soaking wet. Wonder where she'd even buy a dress like that.
Phase nine; Comment on how she looks like she's ready to go out to a cotillion, whereas you wore your Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt and your faded jeans because you're a fucking idiot.
Phase ten; Invite her into the back seat for a drink. If she comments on how it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon politely explain that you meant lemonade, even though your options are gin, Miller Light and a Saranac Pale Ale you don't remember acquiring.
Phase eleven; Make your move. Have sex five times over the course of four hours. When she comments on how good you are try not to comment on the fact that you are, in fact, a good boy in bed.
Phase twelve; When you're in the middle of a 69 scenario and you hear the very same kids you were going to buy alcohol for earlier show up at the park, don't throw her off. You might think you have very few options here, but people watching is a turn on for you and she'll just have to deal with that.
Phase thirteen; Get out, straighten up and walk over to where your friends are to say 'hi'. Let them call you 'king of the park'. It's clearly a term of endearment. When she asks them if they enjoyed the show and then asks to get back to it, smile gingerly at your bandmates and bid them adieu. They will spend the rest of their lives trying to be like you.
Phase fourteen; She hasn't been wearing her pink underwear for the entire day now and night has fallen and you need to be at work soon. Don't tell her they're still crumpled up in the back seat of your car. This will give her a reason to come back tomorrow.
Phase fifteen; Have sex one more time before you bring her home. Note that with the exception of the few virginities you've taken that she is in fact the tightest girl you've ever been with. Kiss her goodnight and bring her back to the car.
And then she came to work and kept me company all night! And we're gonna go pick out a cat tomorrow! Yay. Cat. Meow.
-The whole gang