Things that are dead to me/On notice:
Stephen Colbert is a genius. I rarely rip things off from other people, but the "Dead to me" and "On notice" lists are pretty much the best idea ever and I'm pretty sure Mr. Colbert would agree with me that everyone needs to make their own lists of things that fit into those two categories. So get to work on them, all of you. Here's the first few items on those lists for me, I'm sure more are to follow:
Dead to me:
1. White wedding dresses - Look, I can think of about two human girls I know who haven't had sex yet. We need to do away with that shit. Everyone's had sex, and everyone's having sex now. No more white wedding dresses. I'm going to be at every single one of my ex-girlfriends' weddings (And, yes, I will find you.) Repeating that scene from The Graduate where I scream "Elaine" (Insert your actual name here) and pound on the glass of the church while everyone flips out. And, no, I'm not doing this because I want you back, I'm doing this because you're a whore and you've sucked more dick than dinners you've had and there's no fucking reason for you to be wearing a white dress. You're not fooling anyone. You love cock, get over it. You're dead to me, white dresses.
2. Guys who pierce themselves - I'm excluding Luke and Joe from this one, but other than that - You all make me sick. Why the fuck do boys need to draw attention to certain parts of their body? I understand if you're an ugly bitch who needs to get married and isn't cute so she has to draw attention to her navel, or something, but guys, come on, work through that shit. Spike your hair, or something, don't go putting fucking holes in your body because you need people to look at your left eyebrow, that's fucking gay. You're dead to me guys who pierce themselves, minus Luke and Joe.
3. David the Gnome, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Captain Planet, Eureka, Clarissa, The Midnight Society and the Power Rangers - I know what you're all thinking, "What the fuck is Brian's problem? Those are my childhood heroes." And, I know, trust me, I know. They were mine too. But where are they NOW? Our nation is in a crisis, the world is going to shit, and I can't even get a Care Bear Stare to help me out. You fucking heroes left our asses and you're dead to me. Get back here so that my newborn baby cousin doesn't have to look up to "The Wiggles". You're dead to me, former heroes.
4. The Wiggles - Here's what The Wiggles are: English guys who sing songs about nothing and then circle-jerk it in the studio after the show with the crew. If I ever meet you colorful gentleman, I'm pulling your card. You're dead to me, Wiggles. Also, you're gayer than the Navy, so there's that. (Ed. Gabe's)
On Notice:
1. The American Girl Dolls - You aren't dead to me yet because it's to my understanding you bring hope to young girls in America who don't know what the fuck it is to stand up for themselves because their lives are run by magazines and TRL, but you chicks need to step it up a notch, because I'm pretty sure 97% of girls still dress like sluts for no goddamn reason. Also, what the fuck is that company going to do for 2006, huh? "Dahlia", who escapes Iraq and comes to America only to find out she had it better dodging missiles than being sold into prostitution in the District of Columbia and she eventually ACTUALLY gets to meet the president? Get that joke? I bet you don't, American Girl Dolls. You're on notice.
2. The Pillsbury Company - Alright, my favorite food on Earth is mashed potatoes, and when you're at school it's really fucking tough to get REAL mashed potatoes. So I eat the Pillsbury Idaho Mashed Potatoes, because they're cheap and easy to make. However, the instructions on the back of the box assume that you just HAVE a measuring cup in your dorm room. I'm nowhere near a measuring cup. Fuck you, Pillsbury company, you might make delicious food for all but you haven't figured out that people make mistakes and sometimes put too much of the flakes in and then vomit at the bottom of their bowl of creamy mashed 'tatoes because they miscalculated. God. Pillsbury, you're on notice. Woo-hoo.
3. Larisa Oleynik - Yeah, I've seen Ten Things I Hate About You. Way to be upstaged. I mean, that movie had about the shittiest writing ever but you still were upstaged by Julia Stiles. And honestly, who gets upstaged by Julia Stiles? I still am willing to give you a chance, Larisa, because, whether you like to admit it or not, you're Alex Mack. You have powers, because you were hit my some radioactive junk that fell off a truck, or something. I don't know, whatever, I still believe in you. Go find Ray and Annie and stop fucking around, I can tell you right now "Relative Obscurity" is going to be, like, the worst movie ever. Go back to Nickelodeon, please. You're on notice.
-Brian
Dead to me:
1. White wedding dresses - Look, I can think of about two human girls I know who haven't had sex yet. We need to do away with that shit. Everyone's had sex, and everyone's having sex now. No more white wedding dresses. I'm going to be at every single one of my ex-girlfriends' weddings (And, yes, I will find you.) Repeating that scene from The Graduate where I scream "Elaine" (Insert your actual name here) and pound on the glass of the church while everyone flips out. And, no, I'm not doing this because I want you back, I'm doing this because you're a whore and you've sucked more dick than dinners you've had and there's no fucking reason for you to be wearing a white dress. You're not fooling anyone. You love cock, get over it. You're dead to me, white dresses.
2. Guys who pierce themselves - I'm excluding Luke and Joe from this one, but other than that - You all make me sick. Why the fuck do boys need to draw attention to certain parts of their body? I understand if you're an ugly bitch who needs to get married and isn't cute so she has to draw attention to her navel, or something, but guys, come on, work through that shit. Spike your hair, or something, don't go putting fucking holes in your body because you need people to look at your left eyebrow, that's fucking gay. You're dead to me guys who pierce themselves, minus Luke and Joe.
3. David the Gnome, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Captain Planet, Eureka, Clarissa, The Midnight Society and the Power Rangers - I know what you're all thinking, "What the fuck is Brian's problem? Those are my childhood heroes." And, I know, trust me, I know. They were mine too. But where are they NOW? Our nation is in a crisis, the world is going to shit, and I can't even get a Care Bear Stare to help me out. You fucking heroes left our asses and you're dead to me. Get back here so that my newborn baby cousin doesn't have to look up to "The Wiggles". You're dead to me, former heroes.
4. The Wiggles - Here's what The Wiggles are: English guys who sing songs about nothing and then circle-jerk it in the studio after the show with the crew. If I ever meet you colorful gentleman, I'm pulling your card. You're dead to me, Wiggles. Also, you're gayer than the Navy, so there's that. (Ed. Gabe's)
On Notice:
1. The American Girl Dolls - You aren't dead to me yet because it's to my understanding you bring hope to young girls in America who don't know what the fuck it is to stand up for themselves because their lives are run by magazines and TRL, but you chicks need to step it up a notch, because I'm pretty sure 97% of girls still dress like sluts for no goddamn reason. Also, what the fuck is that company going to do for 2006, huh? "Dahlia", who escapes Iraq and comes to America only to find out she had it better dodging missiles than being sold into prostitution in the District of Columbia and she eventually ACTUALLY gets to meet the president? Get that joke? I bet you don't, American Girl Dolls. You're on notice.
2. The Pillsbury Company - Alright, my favorite food on Earth is mashed potatoes, and when you're at school it's really fucking tough to get REAL mashed potatoes. So I eat the Pillsbury Idaho Mashed Potatoes, because they're cheap and easy to make. However, the instructions on the back of the box assume that you just HAVE a measuring cup in your dorm room. I'm nowhere near a measuring cup. Fuck you, Pillsbury company, you might make delicious food for all but you haven't figured out that people make mistakes and sometimes put too much of the flakes in and then vomit at the bottom of their bowl of creamy mashed 'tatoes because they miscalculated. God. Pillsbury, you're on notice. Woo-hoo.
3. Larisa Oleynik - Yeah, I've seen Ten Things I Hate About You. Way to be upstaged. I mean, that movie had about the shittiest writing ever but you still were upstaged by Julia Stiles. And honestly, who gets upstaged by Julia Stiles? I still am willing to give you a chance, Larisa, because, whether you like to admit it or not, you're Alex Mack. You have powers, because you were hit my some radioactive junk that fell off a truck, or something. I don't know, whatever, I still believe in you. Go find Ray and Annie and stop fucking around, I can tell you right now "Relative Obscurity" is going to be, like, the worst movie ever. Go back to Nickelodeon, please. You're on notice.
-Brian