Shy!me vs. Ideal!me
Wow, it's been awhile hasn't it? I totally have some 2013 con reporting to do, but for now I have to get this mushy-gushy feelings-awkwardness out of the way first.
So I'm finally going to write about something I've been putting off for awhile, but my itunes is running with a new album so I figure why not.
It's about the aftermath of the anime convention earlier this month, for those of you who read/remember my previous post this is the follow up to that...
So in the above linked post I talked about how I bumped into this guy at the con that I met a year ago and kinda just, never really forgot. Anyway, I got two days with him, Friday and Saturday.
Background: I am an *extremely* shy person, so just little things like talking to him are breeching impossible territory. However, just in the con atmosphere its like having a burst of daring; its like having your online persona but it real life, its great. I'm mentioning this because I did some things on Friday that I know for a fact would be impossible for me to do had it not been for the convention.
On Friday I asked him to come by my department and pick me up to go to dinner (so I wouldn't have to walk to the hotel by myself),
and on Saturday I gave him a rice ball and a gourmet cupcake; ...and then got his number (that I asked for *spasm blushing*).
I've actually been a mess for the past two weeks regarding this situation, I've mostly been stress shopping (which is insane considering I just spent most of my spending money at the convention itself) and whinging when I look at my phone.
I have made some progress actually, I was able to text him (after a lot of coaxing and assurance from my friends) and until recently I stopped getting depressed with paranoia when he doesn't text back or when I have to text him back (I'm a mess). Paranoia regarding this kind of thing is crazy, thoughts like "what if I'm annoying him?" "what if he already has a girlfriend?" "What if he's too nice and I'm just taking advantage of that kindness?" Etc.
This is probably why I fail relationships forever. Wouldn't it be great to be one of those people who could just flirt normally, not care about any of these things, and be able to talk to the person you have a crush on without caring when or if you get a response? How can you be one of those people? Luckies.
*sigh* This is probably going to just make me sound even more pathetic and whiny, but I actually cried when I left the convention Saturday night lol
However, it was mostly because I was really upset because I *knew* that once I left the con I wouldn't be able to be the daring, fun, free-to-speak-her-mind person that I was when I was there. What was the point of pushing myself to the limit of my daringness that weekend and ask for that guy's number if I'd never have the courage to use it?
I mean, future-me can look back and realize that I did eventually reach out and text this guy, but the shades of my crippling shyness are still here.
To be honest, I debated (and I still am debating) with myself if I really actually like this guy or do I just like the kind of person I am around him? This version of me who's fun, happy, and not scared out of her mind of social interaction and life issues. It's almost as if I can be a 'normal'-version of myself when I near him. Or is that just the con atmosphere? Am I seeing him as a sort-of personification of the convention itself, my once-a-year escape from the crapiness my life is?
Well, other than the fact that I get really flustered when I see a text from him and that I want to text him constantly but the only thing that stops me is the fear that I'm bugging him, and that he has the same really lame sense of humor I do and that he's really nice; yes I do suppose I like him for him. However, I don't want to like him for a sort of representation type thing because that wouldn't be fair to him.
Then again I'm probably getting ahead of myself because either way, having this sort of crush is really hard and painful and just the thought of reciprocation is something I can't fathom as I've never experienced something like that.
I've been told that I just have to be patient which is more or less unknown territory for me because I'm afraid my feelings will turn into pining and that can lead to awkwardness. Honestly I wish most things in the world can just be direct instead of beating around the bush and waiting it out, but I'll just wait and see. Hopefully this will be a new experience I can learn from and that I don't screw it up with the more...not standard aspects of myself *heh*.
So I'm finally going to write about something I've been putting off for awhile, but my itunes is running with a new album so I figure why not.
It's about the aftermath of the anime convention earlier this month, for those of you who read/remember my previous post this is the follow up to that...
So in the above linked post I talked about how I bumped into this guy at the con that I met a year ago and kinda just, never really forgot. Anyway, I got two days with him, Friday and Saturday.
Background: I am an *extremely* shy person, so just little things like talking to him are breeching impossible territory. However, just in the con atmosphere its like having a burst of daring; its like having your online persona but it real life, its great. I'm mentioning this because I did some things on Friday that I know for a fact would be impossible for me to do had it not been for the convention.
On Friday I asked him to come by my department and pick me up to go to dinner (so I wouldn't have to walk to the hotel by myself),
and on Saturday I gave him a rice ball and a gourmet cupcake; ...and then got his number (that I asked for *spasm blushing*).
I've actually been a mess for the past two weeks regarding this situation, I've mostly been stress shopping (which is insane considering I just spent most of my spending money at the convention itself) and whinging when I look at my phone.
I have made some progress actually, I was able to text him (after a lot of coaxing and assurance from my friends) and until recently I stopped getting depressed with paranoia when he doesn't text back or when I have to text him back (I'm a mess). Paranoia regarding this kind of thing is crazy, thoughts like "what if I'm annoying him?" "what if he already has a girlfriend?" "What if he's too nice and I'm just taking advantage of that kindness?" Etc.
This is probably why I fail relationships forever. Wouldn't it be great to be one of those people who could just flirt normally, not care about any of these things, and be able to talk to the person you have a crush on without caring when or if you get a response? How can you be one of those people? Luckies.
*sigh* This is probably going to just make me sound even more pathetic and whiny, but I actually cried when I left the convention Saturday night lol
However, it was mostly because I was really upset because I *knew* that once I left the con I wouldn't be able to be the daring, fun, free-to-speak-her-mind person that I was when I was there. What was the point of pushing myself to the limit of my daringness that weekend and ask for that guy's number if I'd never have the courage to use it?
I mean, future-me can look back and realize that I did eventually reach out and text this guy, but the shades of my crippling shyness are still here.
To be honest, I debated (and I still am debating) with myself if I really actually like this guy or do I just like the kind of person I am around him? This version of me who's fun, happy, and not scared out of her mind of social interaction and life issues. It's almost as if I can be a 'normal'-version of myself when I near him. Or is that just the con atmosphere? Am I seeing him as a sort-of personification of the convention itself, my once-a-year escape from the crapiness my life is?
Well, other than the fact that I get really flustered when I see a text from him and that I want to text him constantly but the only thing that stops me is the fear that I'm bugging him, and that he has the same really lame sense of humor I do and that he's really nice; yes I do suppose I like him for him. However, I don't want to like him for a sort of representation type thing because that wouldn't be fair to him.
Then again I'm probably getting ahead of myself because either way, having this sort of crush is really hard and painful and just the thought of reciprocation is something I can't fathom as I've never experienced something like that.
I've been told that I just have to be patient which is more or less unknown territory for me because I'm afraid my feelings will turn into pining and that can lead to awkwardness. Honestly I wish most things in the world can just be direct instead of beating around the bush and waiting it out, but I'll just wait and see. Hopefully this will be a new experience I can learn from and that I don't screw it up with the more...not standard aspects of myself *heh*.