I wish I could back to dreamworld, and finally make sense of it all...
I had a weird dream last night; now I know you all are like 'not again' by now, but its my dream part of my life and this is a journal about my life and so my dream is worthy of an entry.
Saturday night the last I did before going to bed was watch an AMV to Avenue Q's "I Wish I Could Go Back to College" because me and Sara are planning to rewrite the lyrics to make "I Wish I Could Go Back to High School" for our new community. Anyway it is said that the last thing you think about is what you dream about; although I have tried many times in the past (Shuichi) to make this work it never has...and it picked that night to work! (And I remember the dream) Unfortunately the 1st part of my dream was just the amv playing (unclearly) in my head...then things start getting...how should I say it, wonked out.
The next thing I know I'm at some random house, I remember the walls being blue and all my church friends there. There was also a vistor with them (it was a boy, but I have no idea what he looked like; or if he even had a visual form in my dream, but he's not really important). And dream me looked at the happy crowd who were laughing and joking around and I was so far apart from them. Dream me thought "I'm always getting left out"...
The subconscious truth connected to that is that even though I'm friends with all the teens in my church...I don't fit in as well as everyone else. The biggest reason why is because I'm not into the same things as the other girls. I don't like normal girl things like fashion and shoe shopping and such; I don't like filipino soap operas or romance novels, and they all live relatively close to each other and I'm the only girl who lives far away. I'm usually left out of things because it's too much of a hassle for me to get a ride. Don't misunderstand though, we all relatively get along and I don't feel uncomfortable hanging out, I enjoy it and I find it fun; but things like calling just to talk just doesn't exist in my connection with them. But I don't believe that the fault is theirs alone and I admit that I most likely contributed to this state of friendship; but when the only option is to change my life and my interests just to get into 'the inner-inner circle' I'm fine where we are. However at times it does get...rather lonely...
I have no idea how that related to my current problems; maybe its the subconscious revelation of the cold truth of why I was so hurt that no one was willing to take me home after a get-together or give me a ride to a get-together. Maybe because I misinterpreted that the pain came from not getting a ride, when it actually came from the guilt that I can't take myself since I'm past the driving legal age. Or more than likely its that I honestly feel that theres some gap between me and the rest of the teens and it isn't completely filled. Should I really care; I know I care about them but if this is the truth why should I care so much. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about this whole thing or being an idiot because I'm not "reaching out" enough; but even if I did without the other party also reaching out its all in vain. When did my laughter with everyone feel so fake...and why does it hurt so much when it does...
Wow, I didn't think I'd rant that much on that part. And that's what can be considered as the pre-show of the night, the last part of my dream had more meaning to me. O.O;;
After my "Church Group" dream my mom woke me up saying I had to get up early because we were going to party for a party at 8:30. It was 7 a.m. so I still had an hour to sleep (Why she couldn't just wake me up at 8, I have no idea...). In an unrelated note I was very VERY tired; like 50x more tha usual; I guess it must have been the dreams.
Most of you all (as my RL friends) don't watch anime as much as an obsessed fan (...) and more than likely you haven't watched Neon Genesis Evangelion but oddly my dream takes place in that 'world' (I seriously don't even like the anime that much...it's...mind-numbing). Now the main character in the show is named Shinji ,if you don't want to look it up (even though I painstakingly took my time on my spyware-infested computer to wiki the info and learn to hyperlink on my livejournal entries just for you, its ok <.<), he's basically a coward who'll do anything he's told to do.
Anyway in the dream they were doing medical tests on Shinji because he apparently had gotten hurt and they were trying to 'patch him up'. At first he was panicking at all the things that they were doing and what had to be done finally they said to put him in 'emotion lockdown' (I made up the term because I have no idea what it was called in my dream, but I know he just entered in a physical and emotional uncaring state). After that they were cutting him open and fixing his insides (what doctors normally do) except the thing was that he was awake! But then they said they were going to do something else, but I forgot what that was. And whatever it was, it was bad because he had broken free of the emotional restrants and there was a tab at the bottom of the machine he was lying in that indicated he was in an immature status (But I also forgot what it changed from).
I woke up still feeling very tired; but also, very nervous at the dreams I had. I realized that the 'Shinji' in the last part of my dream was actually myself! After getting over the initial shock and questioning of my sanity (while getting ready for church) I was wondering what in the world my dreams meant. I was guessing that I was calling myself immature due to my raging fears of summer ending and college start EXTREMELY soon...or to the underlying real problem which is the fear of change. And I'm pretty sure you all have heard my many rants on my immaturity so I won't add a re-worded view of it (besides I don't feel like typing anymore...); if you want to read one look at past serious entries (rants) one should most likely be there. I still can't completely grasp what the last part of my dream was about...but for some reason it's hitting me the most and won't get out of my head (not that I really want it to; I like to remember my dreams, even bad ones, because I so rarely ever can...).
I really really hope one day I can look bad at these entries I made as an "em0" teenagers and laugh at these trival problems. But until those days I can only sit here looking forward and wondering why the journey is so hard...
Saturday night the last I did before going to bed was watch an AMV to Avenue Q's "I Wish I Could Go Back to College" because me and Sara are planning to rewrite the lyrics to make "I Wish I Could Go Back to High School" for our new community. Anyway it is said that the last thing you think about is what you dream about; although I have tried many times in the past (Shuichi) to make this work it never has...and it picked that night to work! (And I remember the dream) Unfortunately the 1st part of my dream was just the amv playing (unclearly) in my head...then things start getting...how should I say it, wonked out.
The next thing I know I'm at some random house, I remember the walls being blue and all my church friends there. There was also a vistor with them (it was a boy, but I have no idea what he looked like; or if he even had a visual form in my dream, but he's not really important). And dream me looked at the happy crowd who were laughing and joking around and I was so far apart from them. Dream me thought "I'm always getting left out"...
The subconscious truth connected to that is that even though I'm friends with all the teens in my church...I don't fit in as well as everyone else. The biggest reason why is because I'm not into the same things as the other girls. I don't like normal girl things like fashion and shoe shopping and such; I don't like filipino soap operas or romance novels, and they all live relatively close to each other and I'm the only girl who lives far away. I'm usually left out of things because it's too much of a hassle for me to get a ride. Don't misunderstand though, we all relatively get along and I don't feel uncomfortable hanging out, I enjoy it and I find it fun; but things like calling just to talk just doesn't exist in my connection with them. But I don't believe that the fault is theirs alone and I admit that I most likely contributed to this state of friendship; but when the only option is to change my life and my interests just to get into 'the inner-inner circle' I'm fine where we are. However at times it does get...rather lonely...
I have no idea how that related to my current problems; maybe its the subconscious revelation of the cold truth of why I was so hurt that no one was willing to take me home after a get-together or give me a ride to a get-together. Maybe because I misinterpreted that the pain came from not getting a ride, when it actually came from the guilt that I can't take myself since I'm past the driving legal age. Or more than likely its that I honestly feel that theres some gap between me and the rest of the teens and it isn't completely filled. Should I really care; I know I care about them but if this is the truth why should I care so much. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about this whole thing or being an idiot because I'm not "reaching out" enough; but even if I did without the other party also reaching out its all in vain. When did my laughter with everyone feel so fake...and why does it hurt so much when it does...
Wow, I didn't think I'd rant that much on that part. And that's what can be considered as the pre-show of the night, the last part of my dream had more meaning to me. O.O;;
After my "Church Group" dream my mom woke me up saying I had to get up early because we were going to party for a party at 8:30. It was 7 a.m. so I still had an hour to sleep (Why she couldn't just wake me up at 8, I have no idea...). In an unrelated note I was very VERY tired; like 50x more tha usual; I guess it must have been the dreams.
Most of you all (as my RL friends) don't watch anime as much as an obsessed fan (...) and more than likely you haven't watched Neon Genesis Evangelion but oddly my dream takes place in that 'world' (I seriously don't even like the anime that much...it's...mind-numbing). Now the main character in the show is named Shinji ,if you don't want to look it up (even though I painstakingly took my time on my spyware-infested computer to wiki the info and learn to hyperlink on my livejournal entries just for you, its ok <.<), he's basically a coward who'll do anything he's told to do.
Anyway in the dream they were doing medical tests on Shinji because he apparently had gotten hurt and they were trying to 'patch him up'. At first he was panicking at all the things that they were doing and what had to be done finally they said to put him in 'emotion lockdown' (I made up the term because I have no idea what it was called in my dream, but I know he just entered in a physical and emotional uncaring state). After that they were cutting him open and fixing his insides (what doctors normally do) except the thing was that he was awake! But then they said they were going to do something else, but I forgot what that was. And whatever it was, it was bad because he had broken free of the emotional restrants and there was a tab at the bottom of the machine he was lying in that indicated he was in an immature status (But I also forgot what it changed from).
I woke up still feeling very tired; but also, very nervous at the dreams I had. I realized that the 'Shinji' in the last part of my dream was actually myself! After getting over the initial shock and questioning of my sanity (while getting ready for church) I was wondering what in the world my dreams meant. I was guessing that I was calling myself immature due to my raging fears of summer ending and college start EXTREMELY soon...or to the underlying real problem which is the fear of change. And I'm pretty sure you all have heard my many rants on my immaturity so I won't add a re-worded view of it (besides I don't feel like typing anymore...); if you want to read one look at past serious entries (rants) one should most likely be there. I still can't completely grasp what the last part of my dream was about...but for some reason it's hitting me the most and won't get out of my head (not that I really want it to; I like to remember my dreams, even bad ones, because I so rarely ever can...).
I really really hope one day I can look bad at these entries I made as an "em0" teenagers and laugh at these trival problems. But until those days I can only sit here looking forward and wondering why the journey is so hard...