(no subject)
I've been sitting home all day. Homework. Studying. blech.
Well, I guess since noone will probably ever find this journal, and even if they do they probably won't know who it is and won't comment on it, I can completely open up in it, huh? But if for some reason you do stumble across it, feel free to comment.
I'm really sad today. Everything I looked at reminded me of just how much I want to NOT be alone. Every channel I turned to on TV had two people kissing, romancing in bed, falling in love, out on dates, etc. I mean, I probably flipped through every channel! Here are the ones that i recognized. Keep in mind that I hate all of the trash that I saw on TV today and didn't spend more than 3 mintues at a time on any of these channels.
- Disney Channel: Zenon... blech... had this whoole dragged out love scene :(
- Cartoon Network: Dexter's laboratory. Dexter's enemy fell for his sister. ew. geeks.
- Nickelodeon: Fairly Oddparents (wierd show, but cool). Timmy was fallin for the class hottie, Trixie Tang. of course, he gets rejected almost as much as I do, so that didn't make me feel THAT bad, but even HE got a kiss on the cheek!
- 7th Heaven. Self explanitory
- There was this thing on comedy central where EVERYONE ended up having a relationship. The gay guy found another gay guy, and the straight guys got 3 girls each. lucky bastards!
- Lizzie McGuire Movie: yeah she had that pop star guy.
- Chasing Amy. The title itself sounds liek a romance, and it was. There was this guy who wanted to have a nice relationship with his girlfriend, and for some reason needed to have a threesome with her and one other guy to do it. Don't ask.
- Hulk. The two science geeks fall in love.
Well, I could continue forever, but there's no point.
Anyways, I'm a little confused, but according to her journal it seems that my current crush went to prom with someone today. So, now that i have some tears in my eyes and I feel rejected and unloved, its pretty much turned into a normal day. Em asked me today why i've liked so many people. Its because the people that I like always end up with someone else. Always. That's why I've been stuck with 2 girlfriends, both of which have turned out to be either shitty assholes (like sara) or just no fun at all (katie). I didn't even LIKE them when I ask them out. And the person that I like now... well, she doesn't have any clue I like her. That, and I just really met her like a week ago even though i've known her all year. She's really nice, she's absolutely beautiful, her personality is a lot like mine and she seems to understand me, even if I havent talked to her much... its just one of those feelings you know? Anyways, she went to prom and i went to the couch. alone. so, now i'm stuck here writing this instead of fantasizing about being with her. And i'm a guy for god sakes... i shouldn't be crying over another lost crush. But I am.
You know, its funny. Everyone tells me that sooo many people are in love with me, i'm such a good looking, cool guy, i'm amazing, i'm awesome etc. But noone's really proven it to me. I mean, yeah, everyone thinks they could be better. But there's this person X who came to me today and was like "omg i'm so ugly" and i was like "you are NOT ugly ur sooo good looking." Anyways it took a lot of persuading (as it usually does) to make her believe me, but she really had no reason to think otherwise in the first place. Everyone likes her, she KNOWS everyone likes her, she's had multiple boyfriends in long relationships and every guy i know has had a crush on her at some point (including me). But in my case, what do I have? Just peoples word. And people's word sucks, because they're all probably just trying to make me feel better about myself when there's really nothing there to feel better about. Eventually i'm going to have to face it. I'm ugly, i'm boring, i'm antisocial and i'm not cut out to be anyone that anyone especially like likes.
Even with all my effort noone really ends up liking me. I'm gonna talk about my last crush for a sec, person Y. well, I really liked Y but she had a boyfriend. As if this wasn't painful enough, she had problems with her boyfriend... and being a really good friend of hers, I listened to how much she loved her boyfriend all the time. And being me... well... lets just say I had to decide between being a good friend and making her happy, or making myself happy. Its even painful to think about, but I chose her. I'm such a martyr. Anyways, for at least a month or two, I was the main reason they stayed together... I soothed her, helped her, guided her. It was one of the most painful things i've ever done (aside from that one thing in manhattan that happened in kindergarten... i've never had anything worse than that if u wanna know about it just ask and i might tell). The ONLY thing that kept me going through that without going crazy was that I knew, somewhere down there I knew that they were going to break up eventually and that after all my selfless acts of kindness, she'd like me and I could go out with her and live happily ever after. Anyways, they broke up eventually right before April break. I didn't see her the whole time cause I left for florida, and when I got back, she had found another guy who lives far away that she really likes. that hurt SOOO much... god my teeth are clenching just thinking about it. lets just say I gave up after that. But it was hard... and i still feel it a little bit when we hang out. But its ok... I'm strong.
Anyways, back to my point. There's got to be some sort of anti-girl repellant that's built into my skin or something. the only girls that ever like me are either my best friends (which would never work... great way to lose friends), or my worst "enemies", which would never work either.
I haven't liked a girl in so long. Its been months. But now I do. And this one is REALLY special... beautiful, comforting, and kind. I can just see it in her eyes even though I don't know her as well as I'd like. But I know she is. I know she'd be an amazing girl and I wish I knew her better. But she's soo special... I want to have her to care for all the time. But, considering her trip to prom. Its probably never going to happen.
"Some people were meant to be alone" ~Micheal Rosenboum, smallville (Lex Luthor).
Tears aren't in a guy's job description. It's a known fact. In fact, its written up on the wall in the Department of Male Rules. I guess i'm gonna be fired tomorrow, huh?
Please... if anyone reads this... leave a comment to help me feel better... :-\
Well, I guess since noone will probably ever find this journal, and even if they do they probably won't know who it is and won't comment on it, I can completely open up in it, huh? But if for some reason you do stumble across it, feel free to comment.
I'm really sad today. Everything I looked at reminded me of just how much I want to NOT be alone. Every channel I turned to on TV had two people kissing, romancing in bed, falling in love, out on dates, etc. I mean, I probably flipped through every channel! Here are the ones that i recognized. Keep in mind that I hate all of the trash that I saw on TV today and didn't spend more than 3 mintues at a time on any of these channels.
- Disney Channel: Zenon... blech... had this whoole dragged out love scene :(
- Cartoon Network: Dexter's laboratory. Dexter's enemy fell for his sister. ew. geeks.
- Nickelodeon: Fairly Oddparents (wierd show, but cool). Timmy was fallin for the class hottie, Trixie Tang. of course, he gets rejected almost as much as I do, so that didn't make me feel THAT bad, but even HE got a kiss on the cheek!
- 7th Heaven. Self explanitory
- There was this thing on comedy central where EVERYONE ended up having a relationship. The gay guy found another gay guy, and the straight guys got 3 girls each. lucky bastards!
- Lizzie McGuire Movie: yeah she had that pop star guy.
- Chasing Amy. The title itself sounds liek a romance, and it was. There was this guy who wanted to have a nice relationship with his girlfriend, and for some reason needed to have a threesome with her and one other guy to do it. Don't ask.
- Hulk. The two science geeks fall in love.
Well, I could continue forever, but there's no point.
Anyways, I'm a little confused, but according to her journal it seems that my current crush went to prom with someone today. So, now that i have some tears in my eyes and I feel rejected and unloved, its pretty much turned into a normal day. Em asked me today why i've liked so many people. Its because the people that I like always end up with someone else. Always. That's why I've been stuck with 2 girlfriends, both of which have turned out to be either shitty assholes (like sara) or just no fun at all (katie). I didn't even LIKE them when I ask them out. And the person that I like now... well, she doesn't have any clue I like her. That, and I just really met her like a week ago even though i've known her all year. She's really nice, she's absolutely beautiful, her personality is a lot like mine and she seems to understand me, even if I havent talked to her much... its just one of those feelings you know? Anyways, she went to prom and i went to the couch. alone. so, now i'm stuck here writing this instead of fantasizing about being with her. And i'm a guy for god sakes... i shouldn't be crying over another lost crush. But I am.
You know, its funny. Everyone tells me that sooo many people are in love with me, i'm such a good looking, cool guy, i'm amazing, i'm awesome etc. But noone's really proven it to me. I mean, yeah, everyone thinks they could be better. But there's this person X who came to me today and was like "omg i'm so ugly" and i was like "you are NOT ugly ur sooo good looking." Anyways it took a lot of persuading (as it usually does) to make her believe me, but she really had no reason to think otherwise in the first place. Everyone likes her, she KNOWS everyone likes her, she's had multiple boyfriends in long relationships and every guy i know has had a crush on her at some point (including me). But in my case, what do I have? Just peoples word. And people's word sucks, because they're all probably just trying to make me feel better about myself when there's really nothing there to feel better about. Eventually i'm going to have to face it. I'm ugly, i'm boring, i'm antisocial and i'm not cut out to be anyone that anyone especially like likes.
Even with all my effort noone really ends up liking me. I'm gonna talk about my last crush for a sec, person Y. well, I really liked Y but she had a boyfriend. As if this wasn't painful enough, she had problems with her boyfriend... and being a really good friend of hers, I listened to how much she loved her boyfriend all the time. And being me... well... lets just say I had to decide between being a good friend and making her happy, or making myself happy. Its even painful to think about, but I chose her. I'm such a martyr. Anyways, for at least a month or two, I was the main reason they stayed together... I soothed her, helped her, guided her. It was one of the most painful things i've ever done (aside from that one thing in manhattan that happened in kindergarten... i've never had anything worse than that if u wanna know about it just ask and i might tell). The ONLY thing that kept me going through that without going crazy was that I knew, somewhere down there I knew that they were going to break up eventually and that after all my selfless acts of kindness, she'd like me and I could go out with her and live happily ever after. Anyways, they broke up eventually right before April break. I didn't see her the whole time cause I left for florida, and when I got back, she had found another guy who lives far away that she really likes. that hurt SOOO much... god my teeth are clenching just thinking about it. lets just say I gave up after that. But it was hard... and i still feel it a little bit when we hang out. But its ok... I'm strong.
Anyways, back to my point. There's got to be some sort of anti-girl repellant that's built into my skin or something. the only girls that ever like me are either my best friends (which would never work... great way to lose friends), or my worst "enemies", which would never work either.
I haven't liked a girl in so long. Its been months. But now I do. And this one is REALLY special... beautiful, comforting, and kind. I can just see it in her eyes even though I don't know her as well as I'd like. But I know she is. I know she'd be an amazing girl and I wish I knew her better. But she's soo special... I want to have her to care for all the time. But, considering her trip to prom. Its probably never going to happen.
"Some people were meant to be alone" ~Micheal Rosenboum, smallville (Lex Luthor).
Tears aren't in a guy's job description. It's a known fact. In fact, its written up on the wall in the Department of Male Rules. I guess i'm gonna be fired tomorrow, huh?
Please... if anyone reads this... leave a comment to help me feel better... :-\