Dec 23, 2008 02:17
my grandpa wally died the day after kotter. really, my dad's mom (actual grandma) died before i was born, wally was married to her sister, margie. margie and wally naturally took on the role of grandparents for me (since my dad's dad died before i was born as well) and i've been in love with them my entire life. they were incredibly important to my dad and i so i've made an effort to see them every time i have been home since i moved. i went out to lunch with them, my uncle doug, and my aunt janice when i was home last month. i got to hug wally, talk about his time in the navy, and say i love you one last time. we've all been preparing for the last few years, but now that it has happened i'm devestated. i haven't really been able to grieve for him yet, since kotter was so fresh and painful. i found out a a friend has cancer as well, i'm not sure when that will hit me.
my step dad and sister drove out to arizona to pick me up and take me home. i missed my grandpa's funeral because it was on the same day as kotter's funeral.
i've been in bed for the last week, other than when i had to go to maureen's graduation party, kotter's bday, and my friend amy's bacholarette party. i was finding comfort in my home and went through a deep inward experience. but when i first got back to my dad (step)'s house last night i couldn't get death off my mind. i kept seeing my dad, my grandpa jay, my grandma ester, caroline, kotter, and my grandpa wally. i couldn't stop thinking about my dad and i just laid there crying until i decided to get melitonin and relax. i woke up sweating about a 100x. today i had a panic attack when my dad disappered for too long at target. once i felt better and rationalized that something awful had NOT happened i calmed down and helped them decorate our apartment. we all feel a lot more at home now and i was able to do something that helped them, which in turn healed me a little.
i feel like i'm going crazy. my mom thinks i may be going through post traumatic stress and i really want to talk to a psychiatrist when i get my head on straighter. yes, i did call my mom the morning after i found out about kotter, wally, and my friend with cancer. i guess no matter how shitty she is, it was just the kind of thing i needed a mom for. she helped but we haven't talked much since outside of texting, i haven't been talking to almost anyone on the phone though. i hope seeing my families will help. although, i think this is long from being better. i think the most i can do is just live the days through, try to get back to normal, and remember that death is an inevitable part of being alive.
amy's wedding is next sunday and jordan is going with me, i'm really happy it is soon and i can think about something so powerfully the opposite of tragedy. i should also mention that my friend alysa recently gave birth and i couldn't be happier that baby bayley is healthy and well. they went through some scares but she came out perfect.
although, i am lost in wake of death i must say i am glad to feel the pain, because it means that i have had my heart deeply touched and that i have the power to help carry on their spirit in this world. i'm trying to look for silver linings.
to a new year and a new day...
PS i'm not spell checking this, there isn't a right click on macs so fuck it.