(no subject)
Right. So apparently I write in this journal every 2 years or so when I am having some sort of crisis. It's because there's no real audience, but there is a small chance of one. Private but not lonely.
So apparently after coming out 6 - 7 years ago, my brain has now registered this and gone 'Excuse me? The fuck did you say we were?'. For the last year I've been struggling with possibly bisexuality, and settled on queer. However, I don't know how much, if any of this, is real or just internalised homophobia. This all reached a head when my relationship of ~1 year ended in September-ish.
I fell for a boy after that, but it never went anywhere. He was still hurting from his ex; I didn't want to put myself out there. I was confused, I didn't want to explain it to people (double trouble: work social circle involved), I was scared. So, wait, maybe I am bisexual. Then, I could date men and be normal!
I have a hard time finding women I am compatible with. I'm just not an angry activist type. I'm left enough to vote Green and socially concerned enough to get angry at articles I read on the internet, but that's it. I'm probably pretty conservative for someone on the LGBTQ spectrum. So....dating men would open up new possibilities to not be forever alone!
Yeah, no. I had the worst one night stand of my life. Somehow I had forgotten, even though I have done this half a dozen times before, that I'm all good with making out with dudes.... but that sex just doesn't work. I never want to feel that way again, that dread, lying awake and sneaking out of some random guy's basement apartment as soon as he falls asleep. Was he a nice guy? Fucked if I know, we talked for all of 15 minutes throughout the whole night. Don't get me wrong. He was cute. I enjoyed it all, up to a point. And then it was just that crushing defeat. That sense of wrongness.
So we're back to before. I'm not bisexual. I don't have it in me. I'm queer, homoflexible, lesbian with the occasional exception that I have never really explored. And I'm crushed and heartbroken. I really wanted a chance at happiness, to be normal. And it kills me to feel that way. That I want to be straight, because it's easier. That bisexuality could be a good crutch.
I wish I was that kid again, who had it all figured out.
So apparently after coming out 6 - 7 years ago, my brain has now registered this and gone 'Excuse me? The fuck did you say we were?'. For the last year I've been struggling with possibly bisexuality, and settled on queer. However, I don't know how much, if any of this, is real or just internalised homophobia. This all reached a head when my relationship of ~1 year ended in September-ish.
I fell for a boy after that, but it never went anywhere. He was still hurting from his ex; I didn't want to put myself out there. I was confused, I didn't want to explain it to people (double trouble: work social circle involved), I was scared. So, wait, maybe I am bisexual. Then, I could date men and be normal!
I have a hard time finding women I am compatible with. I'm just not an angry activist type. I'm left enough to vote Green and socially concerned enough to get angry at articles I read on the internet, but that's it. I'm probably pretty conservative for someone on the LGBTQ spectrum. So....dating men would open up new possibilities to not be forever alone!
Yeah, no. I had the worst one night stand of my life. Somehow I had forgotten, even though I have done this half a dozen times before, that I'm all good with making out with dudes.... but that sex just doesn't work. I never want to feel that way again, that dread, lying awake and sneaking out of some random guy's basement apartment as soon as he falls asleep. Was he a nice guy? Fucked if I know, we talked for all of 15 minutes throughout the whole night. Don't get me wrong. He was cute. I enjoyed it all, up to a point. And then it was just that crushing defeat. That sense of wrongness.
So we're back to before. I'm not bisexual. I don't have it in me. I'm queer, homoflexible, lesbian with the occasional exception that I have never really explored. And I'm crushed and heartbroken. I really wanted a chance at happiness, to be normal. And it kills me to feel that way. That I want to be straight, because it's easier. That bisexuality could be a good crutch.
I wish I was that kid again, who had it all figured out.