On finishing "Written by the Victors": When fic gets you in the gut

[bironic]

I've just spent the last, oh, half an hour or so, sobbing. First in my desk chair and then in the bathroom until it tapered off. Why? Because I finally settled in to read cesperanza's amazing Written by the Victors*, and about two hours after finishing, in the middle of listening to fleurrochard chant one of aesc's apocryphal texts, I just broke down. The hell of it was, I'

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[nightdog_barks]

I think the only fic that has ever punched me hard enough in the gut to make me physically shy away is pwcorgigirl's Afterlife.

And it's not House's death at the end that does it -- it's the vision of a once-vital House, reduced to a brain-damaged shell of his former self, that just sinks its claws into my heart and won't let go.

I literally have trouble rereading this story. The only other story I can think of that I have such a strong reaction to is deelaundry's Locked Up and Set Free.

[bironic]

Did you read friendshipper's Staring at the Sun (part of the sga_flashfic Wordless Challenge)? That shared a similar premise with "Afterlife" -- permanent brain damage of a major character, care by a parent and the presence of the deeply hurt best friend -- and also left me aching. Not for their death, but for their loss while they're still alive and maybe, maybe, still there, in part, somewhere deep down.

Those two didn't make me cry, but "Locked Up and Set Free" did (though not as hard or as long as the ones I mentioned in my post) -- you probably know the line I mean, at the end -- and in the middle of a workday, no less. There, too, it wasn't a character death that did it, but the miscommunication. If only he'd said what he felt! If only he'd made the right moves when there was still time! It's one of the things that moves me about "Aftershocks," too.

[nightdog_barks]

I did read that. I thought it was very, very good, but I actually preferred another story in the Challenge in which Rodney developed aphasia. For some reason I have some of the same difficulties reading SG:A stories in which John is the injured party as I do reading Hurt!House.

Forgive me not linking the Aphasic!Rodney story -- we're making dinner and I keep coming back to check LJ.

[nightdog_barks]

Rebuilding Babel.

That's what it was called.

[recrudescence]

I'm not familiar with much of this fandom, but the authors should be honored that they've had this intense of an effect on someone.

[bironic]

Which is of course yet another layer of angst in all this -- wondering if you'll ever be able to even write a story that has such an impact on so many people.

(I did leave them both comments in among their billions of other comments, btw. Because, yeah, it's important to let them know.)

[recrudescence]

Heh. Yes. I can't help feeling a little mediocre after reading something amazing, and consequently sometimes don't end up leaving feedback at all. Even if "I'm not worthy!" is all I can think, I doubt it's what the author is hoping to hear.

I am, in fact, completely aware that this might not make sense.

[bironic]

Excessive Study Muddled-Brain Syndrome? Heh. No, I think I get what you mean -- and it was the expectation of the post-amazing-fic feeling of mediocrity that made me wait until now to read the story in the first place. The feedback wasn't much of a problem (this time); you figure everything's been said in 21 pages of comments (!) and probably said better, but (a) that means you don't have to worry about saying something new and can just say what you want, and (b) having received feedback on my own stories, I know that I prefer people to just say what they liked without the preface that it's been said before (or *not* saying what they liked because they think it's been said before).

[ignazwisdom]

I was cruising by Speranza's journal the other night and seeing the response to the story and just -- being really, really happy for her. I haven't read the story and I'm probably not going to, because I made the mistake of reading a Speranza story once five years ago and now due South and I are practically married. I don't have time for another fandom! *hides* But she's an incredible author and seems like a genuinely nice person and I'm glad that the story has been affecting so many people.

[bironic]

Heh -- she unwittingly helped seduce me into SGA, too. I understand your hesitation. When you're a dedicated fan, you can only take so many canons!

I'm happy for her, too -- the adulation is much deserved, as it was for her other remarkable stories (well, I can vouch for almost all of the ones I've read, anyway). The real challenge for her, I think, is going to be figuring out how to follow this one up.

[purridot]

Reposting to correct stuff.

Outlander didn't make you weep? ;-)

Thank you for the SG:A rec. I was a bit alarmed when you said you were sobbing, but I understand now that it was for a good cause. Putting it on my Must Read list.

Regarding heartaches: I have a special "sad song" that I play when I read something that is supposed to be sad ("Farewell" from the Children of Dune soundtrack -- I know, FTW!), so that makes any death!fic that much worse/better (depending how you look at it).

I think possibly the only time I ever cried at a non-sad fic was mer_duff's The A to Z of House" .* The idea was cute, but the execution was phenomenal -- in so few words she sketched little word paintings, sad, happy, and every emotion in between. The delicacy was just so amazing and haunting.

And I am always moved by anagnorisis. I keep meaning to write blurbs in my LJ about the things that I like best about fanfic (but I'm shy), and that is probably at the top of my list.

*Remember, up here it's zed ;-)

[synn]

I've never been punched in the gut by a fic. I can't really imagine what would have that sort of affect on me, either. I always see these comments by people about stories (fic, or books, or movies) bringing them to tears, or more significantly, staying with them for hours, days, weeks -- but I don't know what that actually feels like.

I know what it feels like to tear up a little when a character dies in a really well-written fic, I know what it is to ache along with a character over relationship angst/unrequited love, but not to have it stay with me.
I don't think I'm ever completely immersed in a work; there's always part of me that's looking at how it's written. I go to plays and half the time I'm thinking about the scenery or staging rather than the actors. With movies it's the music and cinematography.