Re: recent posts, and also life
I have been thinking a lot-shocker-about many things.
One of them is how I haven't been as good or kind a person lately as I'd like to be. That's in large part because of unhappiness at work and the aforementioned personal stuff, but causes are less important than actions. I have already started pulling back from conversations at the office that perpetuate negativity. I need to stop approaching situations assuming I know more than the other person or people. I need to resist the impulse to show when I do know something, because that stems from insecurity. I need to stop blaming my recent low productivity at work on entirely external forces; they don't help, but they're not the whole story. To name a few examples.
I don't like that I posted those two entries about my grandfather's private life. I needed an outlet for my surprise and delight and my other feelings, and it was tempting to tell a "funny story," but I think it was not a kind thing to share. Though I denied it to myself, does it not boil down to ageism? Why did I feel driven to tell everyone about exactly the sort of thing that would mortify me if the internet, let alone my family, found out details of my sex life and/or relationships? How much must it suck to reach an age where, as in childhood, it can once more be a struggle to maintain privacy?
Thank you to the couple of commenters who raised related points and questions.
I'm leaving the posts up for now. I wrote them and I should deal with the consequences, even if the consequences seem at this stage to be restricted to feeling some negative feelings when I scroll back and see the entries there. The important thing is they still lack identifying information. Later I will probably lock them.
*
Another thing I've been thinking about relates to that set of movie reviews I just posted as well as other media-related stuff both recent and forthcoming, which is the uptick in my absorption and thinking through of books, movies, poems, essays, songs, podcasts, etc. by and/or focusing on people from Native American, First Nations and other indigenous cultures. It's a decades-long interest, but with my habit these last few years of posting lists of everything I read and watch, combined with a few more fanworks than usual focusing on Native characters (*cough Zahn McClarnon*), what would once have been a quiet endeavor now risks coming across as performative. Plus, my ever-evolving understanding of and attempts to resist romanticizing or fetishizing the real people these characters represent becomes open to critique from others, and that's vulnerable and scary.
(I do realize, as I started to say in my review of Dawnland, that of course while media may be a good place to start learning, it is a bad place to stop, and I continue to take steps to deepen my education and involvement in community activities, support, and activism in the real world at local and national levels. Having more than like two Native acquaintances would be another good start. Following people on Twitter only goes so far.)
When I write these reviews, especially the quick ones, my inner voice vacillates between "You don't know shit, what are you talking about here, you're just a white girl who wants to sound 'woke,'" and a more compassionate understanding that I've progressed from maybe a 101 level to 201 in self-directed "Native media studies," am trying to put into words what I'm learning, am trying to apply the principles and frameworks I read and hear about to the movies I'm watching. You're watching me work through it all. I'm just afraid I come off as ignorant or overconfident, or, as my LJ header used to say in honor of Hermione, like an insufferable know-it-all. I don't want to get stuff wrong, but I'm going to, and doubtless already have. I hope you will (continue to) let me know when I do.
<3
Originally posted at https://bironic.dreamwidth.org/383749.html, where there are
comments.
One of them is how I haven't been as good or kind a person lately as I'd like to be. That's in large part because of unhappiness at work and the aforementioned personal stuff, but causes are less important than actions. I have already started pulling back from conversations at the office that perpetuate negativity. I need to stop approaching situations assuming I know more than the other person or people. I need to resist the impulse to show when I do know something, because that stems from insecurity. I need to stop blaming my recent low productivity at work on entirely external forces; they don't help, but they're not the whole story. To name a few examples.
I don't like that I posted those two entries about my grandfather's private life. I needed an outlet for my surprise and delight and my other feelings, and it was tempting to tell a "funny story," but I think it was not a kind thing to share. Though I denied it to myself, does it not boil down to ageism? Why did I feel driven to tell everyone about exactly the sort of thing that would mortify me if the internet, let alone my family, found out details of my sex life and/or relationships? How much must it suck to reach an age where, as in childhood, it can once more be a struggle to maintain privacy?
Thank you to the couple of commenters who raised related points and questions.
I'm leaving the posts up for now. I wrote them and I should deal with the consequences, even if the consequences seem at this stage to be restricted to feeling some negative feelings when I scroll back and see the entries there. The important thing is they still lack identifying information. Later I will probably lock them.
*
Another thing I've been thinking about relates to that set of movie reviews I just posted as well as other media-related stuff both recent and forthcoming, which is the uptick in my absorption and thinking through of books, movies, poems, essays, songs, podcasts, etc. by and/or focusing on people from Native American, First Nations and other indigenous cultures. It's a decades-long interest, but with my habit these last few years of posting lists of everything I read and watch, combined with a few more fanworks than usual focusing on Native characters (*cough Zahn McClarnon*), what would once have been a quiet endeavor now risks coming across as performative. Plus, my ever-evolving understanding of and attempts to resist romanticizing or fetishizing the real people these characters represent becomes open to critique from others, and that's vulnerable and scary.
(I do realize, as I started to say in my review of Dawnland, that of course while media may be a good place to start learning, it is a bad place to stop, and I continue to take steps to deepen my education and involvement in community activities, support, and activism in the real world at local and national levels. Having more than like two Native acquaintances would be another good start. Following people on Twitter only goes so far.)
When I write these reviews, especially the quick ones, my inner voice vacillates between "You don't know shit, what are you talking about here, you're just a white girl who wants to sound 'woke,'" and a more compassionate understanding that I've progressed from maybe a 101 level to 201 in self-directed "Native media studies," am trying to put into words what I'm learning, am trying to apply the principles and frameworks I read and hear about to the movies I'm watching. You're watching me work through it all. I'm just afraid I come off as ignorant or overconfident, or, as my LJ header used to say in honor of Hermione, like an insufferable know-it-all. I don't want to get stuff wrong, but I'm going to, and doubtless already have. I hope you will (continue to) let me know when I do.
<3
Originally posted at https://bironic.dreamwidth.org/383749.html, where there are
comments.