Current poll winner #2: Thoughts on body image
Funny, I had assumed no one would be interested in this one. Should have known better.
I think I've mentioned that I haven't been happy with the current shape of my body, driven largely by some weight that I gained when I switched a med a few years ago. That's the main reason I started seeing a therapist, actually: I would like to not spend so much time being distracted by and disgusted by how I look. And ideally to change the disgust to not-disgust, of course, regardless of time spent ruminating on it.
Since self-acceptance hasn't yet clicked, part of how I've been trying to deal with this is to *do* things that might help. Two months ago, my doc and I switched back to the original med to see if anything changes for better or worse. This personal-training business is another strategy. Regular movement is supposed to be good not only for loosening and strengthening muscles that have been giving me trouble but also for improving my underlying insulin resistance, which in turn affects weight gain/loss and fat distribution; for lifting my mood, and when I'm feeling better I don't obsess as much over body image and other negative thoughts; and for becoming more fit overall, which I think will help me come to terms with my current weight if it turns out that this is the weight my body wants to be when it's healthy.
Reading about the Health at Every Size movement was useful, with its philosophy that fitness and nutrition are ultimately what's important. It's just that right now I know I'm missing the fitness component. Since it's not yet clear whether my weight will change when I'm consistently active, it's hard to commit to the path of current-body acceptance. (I work in a medical-adjacent field where I regularly encounter research that shows how exercise is more useful for keeping weight off than for losing it and how weight and metabolism are complex and poorly understood biochemical systems. It's *still* hard to remember to decouple exercise from a desire to lose weight. I have to keep reminding myself of all the other immediate and long-term benefits.)
"Focus on what your body can do, not on how it looks," they say; but my body can't do. Not yet, anyway. I want it to be able to do what it used to -- dance, row, play badminton, sit with a computer or notebook for hours while I lose myself in imagination and not be broken afterwards -- and more. Maybe that will help with self-image.
That is... all background for what I wanted to say here, which is that two (more) particular triggers for negative body thoughts recently crystallized for me: flat, fuzzy ponytail hair and the way many of my clothes fit. So: I got a haircut. It is short -- chin-length -- and different and fun. Well, it was fun when the stylist did it, because she partially straightened it and made it all flippy. I do not have the skills or equipment to replicate what she did, but it has been behaving well enough in its natural curly state. My face looks better when my hair is down, and this cut means I have to wear it down. So that is good. Even though it looks different from day to day and sometimes that internal voice says, You look stupid; I try to tell it to shut up.
The clothes thing is trickier, because it entails finding the intersection of items I like that are made for overweight apple-shaped people and can be worn at work and are affordable but not slave-labor cheap and won't shrink or turn into a potato sack after two washings. I need to start shopping in different and slightly higher-end stores, and/or find out what this alterations thing is all about. People talk about investment pieces and building small, quality wardrobes of items that each make you happy, but again, tricky to commit to when fit and style are difficult and I have a hard time acknowledging that I may continue to be my current size for a while yet.
So here I am semi-copping out by picking up a few long-sleeve shirts at Old Navy (they are so soft) and focusing on shoes first. Swapping out schlumpy or ill-fitting fall/winter shoes from years past for more sophisticated, happy-making shoes that don't pinch or slip off -- which is harder than it sounds, for some reason, between not fitting into many standard shoe shapes and thinking some things fit in the store that definitely don't fit at home. Anyway, as of yesterday I've got two new pairs of boots, one flat/combat and one suede anklet. The plan is to keep the heels at the office along with my other happy-making but commute-unfriendly pair, which have a cool angled heel and double zipper. Because I think dressing "up" rather than "down" will help make me feel better, and shoe size is both steady and not emotionally charged.
Is this weird to post about? It feels weird to post about in a mainly fannish/media space. And this is only the summary version of things.
I'd better do it before I think twice. Or ten times, heh.
Originally posted at https://bironic.dreamwidth.org/360587.html, where there are
comments.
I think I've mentioned that I haven't been happy with the current shape of my body, driven largely by some weight that I gained when I switched a med a few years ago. That's the main reason I started seeing a therapist, actually: I would like to not spend so much time being distracted by and disgusted by how I look. And ideally to change the disgust to not-disgust, of course, regardless of time spent ruminating on it.
Since self-acceptance hasn't yet clicked, part of how I've been trying to deal with this is to *do* things that might help. Two months ago, my doc and I switched back to the original med to see if anything changes for better or worse. This personal-training business is another strategy. Regular movement is supposed to be good not only for loosening and strengthening muscles that have been giving me trouble but also for improving my underlying insulin resistance, which in turn affects weight gain/loss and fat distribution; for lifting my mood, and when I'm feeling better I don't obsess as much over body image and other negative thoughts; and for becoming more fit overall, which I think will help me come to terms with my current weight if it turns out that this is the weight my body wants to be when it's healthy.
Reading about the Health at Every Size movement was useful, with its philosophy that fitness and nutrition are ultimately what's important. It's just that right now I know I'm missing the fitness component. Since it's not yet clear whether my weight will change when I'm consistently active, it's hard to commit to the path of current-body acceptance. (I work in a medical-adjacent field where I regularly encounter research that shows how exercise is more useful for keeping weight off than for losing it and how weight and metabolism are complex and poorly understood biochemical systems. It's *still* hard to remember to decouple exercise from a desire to lose weight. I have to keep reminding myself of all the other immediate and long-term benefits.)
"Focus on what your body can do, not on how it looks," they say; but my body can't do. Not yet, anyway. I want it to be able to do what it used to -- dance, row, play badminton, sit with a computer or notebook for hours while I lose myself in imagination and not be broken afterwards -- and more. Maybe that will help with self-image.
That is... all background for what I wanted to say here, which is that two (more) particular triggers for negative body thoughts recently crystallized for me: flat, fuzzy ponytail hair and the way many of my clothes fit. So: I got a haircut. It is short -- chin-length -- and different and fun. Well, it was fun when the stylist did it, because she partially straightened it and made it all flippy. I do not have the skills or equipment to replicate what she did, but it has been behaving well enough in its natural curly state. My face looks better when my hair is down, and this cut means I have to wear it down. So that is good. Even though it looks different from day to day and sometimes that internal voice says, You look stupid; I try to tell it to shut up.
The clothes thing is trickier, because it entails finding the intersection of items I like that are made for overweight apple-shaped people and can be worn at work and are affordable but not slave-labor cheap and won't shrink or turn into a potato sack after two washings. I need to start shopping in different and slightly higher-end stores, and/or find out what this alterations thing is all about. People talk about investment pieces and building small, quality wardrobes of items that each make you happy, but again, tricky to commit to when fit and style are difficult and I have a hard time acknowledging that I may continue to be my current size for a while yet.
So here I am semi-copping out by picking up a few long-sleeve shirts at Old Navy (they are so soft) and focusing on shoes first. Swapping out schlumpy or ill-fitting fall/winter shoes from years past for more sophisticated, happy-making shoes that don't pinch or slip off -- which is harder than it sounds, for some reason, between not fitting into many standard shoe shapes and thinking some things fit in the store that definitely don't fit at home. Anyway, as of yesterday I've got two new pairs of boots, one flat/combat and one suede anklet. The plan is to keep the heels at the office along with my other happy-making but commute-unfriendly pair, which have a cool angled heel and double zipper. Because I think dressing "up" rather than "down" will help make me feel better, and shoe size is both steady and not emotionally charged.
Is this weird to post about? It feels weird to post about in a mainly fannish/media space. And this is only the summary version of things.
I'd better do it before I think twice. Or ten times, heh.
Originally posted at https://bironic.dreamwidth.org/360587.html, where there are
comments.