Feelings, upon preparing to sort through a lifetime of stuff

[bironic]

My dad is what you could affectionately call a pack rat. Or non-affectionately call a high-functioning hoarder as you side-eye the stuff crammed into the attic, crawl spaces, rafters, basement, garage and shed of the otherwise lovely house he's lived in for more than 20 years and now shares with his (understandably distressed) fiancée, E.

Comments

[pwcorgigirl]

I hope it will be fun. I cleaned out my mother's house twice, once before and once after she moved into assisted living, and it was mostly sheer hard work, but my sibling wasn't around to help me. I rented a dumpster the second time, which saved me making endless trips to the dump and the charity thrift store

[bironic]

Thank you for this. You make it sound very normal and simple. :) That's funny about the old nightgowns. I, uh, definitely have a few tiny ones in my old bedroom dresser from my grandmother, which I will never ever be able to wear - note to self: put those in the "do not keep" pile. Maybe my sister and I can make a game of it as we go, like awards for weirdest/oldest/funniest/dumbest/most embarrassing/most appreciated items.

[amnisias]

Luckily/unfortunately my childhood home is a farmhouse with barns and outbuildings, so storage has never been an issue - and as I get older I really appreciate those mementos of the past that I find when digging for christmas decorations, old books or the second fondue set - those unplanned moments of coming face to face with your past are precious, and once you have kids those momentos take on a whole different dimension - connecting generations past and present. If things have to go, my approach/advise woud be: Don't even look - just bin stuff. Once you know what's there it gets much harder to let go off. Best of luck! Great idea with the camera, though!

[bironic]

Thank you!

Luckily/unfortunately

That's the rub, isn't it? My dad's house is certainly big enough to hold all this stuff, although with the addition of E.'s stuff over the past several years it's more cramped - which has lessened the motivation for him to pare it down. The likelihood that they'll be moving into a smaller house when they retire in 5 to 10 years (TMI: my dad is almost old enough to retire but has to put in more time for a liveable pension) helps, though.

I really like how you describe strengthening the connections to your past and your family's past and future. I'm going to keep that in mind as we go. It won't involve things like family china, and we certainly aren't going to get rid of photo albums and all that, but honestly, who knows what *is* back there...

[amnisias]

I guess family history also comes into play - both my parents escaped from Eastern Germany around the time when the wall went up. They were both children and come with their parents, but could not take much with them. I assume being unrooted and disconnected like that is what's fuelling some of that desire to connect future generations to the past.

[thirdblindmouse]

I wonder if that's a common cause of it. The same is the case with my aunt and father.

[thirdblindmouse]

Wow, that sounds like a huge project.

Coincidentally, my father is away in Chicago this week helping my aunt sort out her home. She is what you'd call a not-so-high functioning hoarder, in that most of the rooms of her house are (well, hopefully "were" at this point) impossible to enter. The irony is that she professionally helps people unclutter their homes, so she would be able to give you better advice than I can.

Other than the techniques you've already mentioned (multiple passes, don't think hard about each item on the first pass, just sort them into piles), I recommend not keeping anything for regifting unless you know exactly who you're going to give it to (did I mention my aunt's house? She has a problem with acquiring things as potential gifts), and not keeping anything for yourself unless you can say for certain you will ever look at it/use it again. My only other advice is to work with company, so you can keep each other on task, and make the process as mechanical a set of questions and answers as possible. (Can I use

[bironic]

That is all great advice - thank you. It's excellent that my sister will be home for most of the time I'm there - more often she is out on the road for weeks/months on end - so we can keep each other going and offer perspective, as you say, plus enjoy the memories, plus answer questions right there about stuff that belongs/belonged to both of us instead of having to leave "yes/no?" piles for each other. TBD whether E. proves a useful or just amiable companion as well; I don't know her extremely well, so am not sure of her ability to let things go, although it's pretty clear she's better at it than my dad. :)

The irony is that she professionally helps people unclutter their homes

Ha indeed. Hope your father's trip out there goes all right.

[deelaundry]

I have a book I can lend you that might be useful; one of her great suggestions is to prepare beforehand by coming up with "treasure guidelines" -- what the categories or themes are of things you will definitely want to keep. Then you can look at the situation positively as finding treasures that are going to enhance your life, rather than "sorting through a bunch of junk." Yes, it's a bit corny, maybe, but it does help to mentally have guidelines beforehand. The book also has practical things like contact info for specific recycling/resale organizations.

[bironic]

Thanks again for the loan. Even on skim there are some tips and insights that look useful.

[kassrachel]

How do you decide what to let go? How do you navigate other people's delicate emotions? (In February, E. cried and my dad clammed up/stood around staring helplessly.) How do you deal with your own? We have some go-to charities, but are there any in particular in this arena that you love? Is it an adult child's place to recommend or seek counseling for the object-attached parent?Good questions all. I'll start with the easiest one: yes, I think it's reasonable for you to recommend counseling for the object-attached parent. You can recommend it gently and lovingly, and he may or may not be able to hear the suggestion, but I think it's a good one

[thirdblindmouse]

When you've covered every bit of wallspace in your house with floor to ceiling bookcases and still can't walk across the floor, you have too many books.

...Unless you're willing to move to a larger place. *g*

[bironic]

Thank you for this. I should have known you would have a thorough and compassionate response. <3 Your point about modeling the letting-go is an excellent one, and more kind than pushing him away.