In for a penny...
For those who want to know, this came before what I just posted, though it takes place afterwards. I wrote it last month, and for a while I thought the whole thing would actually stay post-trauma. Obviously the line about the toy ended up spawning its own story and proved me wrong. It's also much more typical of what I write on my own in the sense that it's fragmented and doesn't conclude. Anyway, if you're interested, here's what started this branch of the Karin 'verse.
Characters/Fandom: Karin, Bashir, Odo; implied Karin/Makor (Deep Space Nine) - see author's notes here
Word Count: 3,100
Rating/Warning: PG-13 for implications and discussions of past sexual assault
Note: White space is where scenes skip. Be forewarned that the piece just falls off a cliff at the "end" as well, where I stopped writing when something else shiny caught my attention. And yes, still melodramatic and probably not at all representative of real debriefings or post-traumatic conversations. Other than that-enjoy?
[Rescue; Bashir, Karin and Odo]
He'd been braced to find her terrified, hurt, tortured, possibly assaulted. He didn't expect to find her tied to the Gul's bed.
She was asleep or unconscious, her shoulders and arms bare where they emerged from the sheet someone had thrown over her. Her hands were restrained with regulation metal cuffs behind the slatted headboard. It looked like she'd been struck several times and dehydrated, too. He swore and stepped closer. Her wrists were raw, cut and swollen from struggling.
"Karin?" he said softly.
No response. He tugged out his medical tricorder, scanned her once, swore again.
He tapped his communicator. "Bashir to Odo."
"Odo here."
"I don't suppose you have a skeleton key to Cardassian handcuffs?"
"I'm afraid not, Doctor."
"I need to cut Karin free, here. Any suggestions?"
"I'm on my way. Odo out."
Odo showed up a few minutes later and grunted when he saw the situation. He gestured towards the bed. "May I?"
Julian nodded. Odo walked to the headboard and peered at the cuffs. "I can unlock them if I can touch them," he said. Julian nodded again, and Odo let a finger go liquid before inserting it into the mechanism. He held the cuffs still with his other hand.
Karin stirred. Julian tried her name again. She whimpered, shifted.
"Karin, it's Julian. I'm here with Constable Odo. We're getting you out."
She whimpered a second time and suddenly jerked her arms, banging the cuffs into the headboard. Odo let go. "Stop," she whispered, and swallowed, as though speaking that one word had taken enormous effort.
"Karin. Karin, we're not going to hurt you. Can you hear me?"
She was shaking her head, breathing hard.
"Karin. It's Julian. Gul Makor is gone. He's not going to touch you. You're safe. We're taking you home."
She opened her eyes, slowly focused on him.
"That's it," he coaxed.
"'lian?" she breathed.
"That's right. We're here." A nod to Odo, and he started to work on the cuffs again.
"Dreamed," she whispered.
"Not a dream." He wanted to touch her, reassure her, but she would spook too easily after what had happened to her.
"Julian," she repeated.
"Yes."
Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry." Her voice went high and tight, and when she closed her eyes she started to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Julian shared a glance with Odo. "Sorry for what? You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Couldn't. I couldn't. I'm sorry." Couldn't what? Overpower him? Resist under torture? She went on, but he couldn't understand her.
Odo hmmphed and there was a click. He stepped back so Julian could carefully free her. Her bruised arms lay limp, fingers curled.
"Karin. Whatever you've done, you're forgiven. It's okay. You're okay."
Her breath hitched.
"I'm going to give you a sedative and something to bring down your fever. Then we're going to bring you back to the station and treat you. All right?"
She didn't seem to be in any state to reply, but she didn't protest, so he readied the hypo and shot it home. She relaxed, her mumbles quieting.
After checking over the rest of the rooms, Odo helped him wrap her in the bedsheet and then he lifted her into his arms. They beamed back on board the runabout and headed home.
[Pre-debriefing; Odo and Bashir]
"Doctor."
"Yes, Odo."
"How is her condition?"
"She's -----"
He grunted. "She needs to be debriefed. As soon as possible. I need to know what she told Makor and what she may have learned."
"Understood."
"And Odo? Try to be gentle. She's been through a traumatic experience."
"Believe me, I've interviewed plenty of traumatized Bajorans in my career."
Julian supposed that was true.
[Debriefing; Odo and Karin]
"He didn't ask for much information. That's not why he-that's not why he wanted me."
"I understand," he said. "But it's important for you to tell me everything you said to him. If the Cardassians have sensitive information in their possession, I need to know."
He placed the recording device on the table between them. "What do you remember telling Gul Makor?"
She took a slow breath. "My name. My rank. That I'm from the station. Deep Space Nine. He already knew that, though."
He hmmed for her to continue.
"That I'm in Starfleet Medical and studying comparative xenobiology. Um."
"Go on."
"Some things about my family. Some-some very personal information about me." She squirmed and averted her eyes. "Do I have to say what?"
"If it might compromise station or Federation security, yes."
She shook her head. "It didn't have anything to do with that."
"All right. What else?"
"I can't-I don't think anything else."
He made a note on his PADD. "Did he demand or did you provide any access codes?"
"No."
"Names of personnel?"
"No."
"Technical specifications for any ships, stations, bases or equipment?"
"No."
"Locations of any classified colonies or installations?"
"No. I don't even know this stuff anyway."
He made another note. "Were you, at any time, alone with Gul Makor?"
"Yes. Most of the time."
"And when you were alone, what happened?"
She went still. It took a few moments for her to speak. "Do I have to talk about it?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Are people going to know when they read your report?"
"Unless the person affected is of a certain stature or other significance, any details of a personal nature will be stripped from the record."
She breathed. "Okay. I-When I was alone with Gul M-makor, he would-he handcuffed me to a bed and sexually assaulted me."
"Gul Makor forced you to perform sexual intercourse with him?"
"Yes."
"Without your consent?"
"Yes. I-I told him to stop, repeatedly, but he-but he didn't."
"And approximately how long were you alone with Makor?"
"For most of my time there, when he wasn't at meetings or checking up on his ship. Julian-Dr. Bashir said it was five days?"
"You were with him both days and nights?"
"Yes."
"And during this time, he would engage in nonconsensual intercourse with you?"
"Yes. Or he would talk to me, or read his PADD, or try to get me to eat. The sex happened about-a couple of times a day, I guess."
"Did he request or demand other sexual favors?"
She was twisting her hands in her lap now. "Odo…"
"I'm sorry, but it needs to be reported."
"I… Fellatio. And-with my hand, he would make me-" She stopped.
"Manual stimulation to orgasm?"
"Yes." She was starting to cry.
"Of him, or of yourself?"
"Him. And he-he would, he would try, with his hands and his mouth, to make me."
"He performed cunnilingus on you?"
"Yes," she said in a small voice.
"And did he force you to participate in any other sexual activities?"
She closed her eyes. "Once. He." She sobbed. "I can't, Odo, I can't."
"You can. This doesn't leave my office. Take your time."
Through her tears, still without looking at him, she said, "He-one time, he-tied my legs to the bed, too, and-he had a-I don't know what it was, some kind of-of toy-and he, and he put it in me, and he wouldn't take it out until I-" She sobbed again. "Until I came."
She didn't say anything else. He murmured, "All right. Take it easy," and gave her a few minutes to calm down.
When she looked ready, he asked, "Did he at any time injure you, use pain implants, or otherwise cause you physical harm beyond that of the acts in question?"
She sniffed. "No. Well-he hit me, a few times. When he was angry."
"I see. Where did he strike you?"
"On my face."
"Anywhere else?"
"No."
"And at any time, did he state or imply that he would stop performing these activities with you if you divulged certain information to him?"
"No. He just wanted-he just wanted-"
He waited.
"To have sex. With me." She shook herself suddenly. "I don't know why! I don't know why he picked me! I don't know anything important. I didn't ask for it. I'm not even that pretty." She swiped at her eyes.
Odo leaned forward. "Do you want to take a break?"
"No, I want to get this over with."
"All right."
[Bashir and Karin]
By the end of the week, she'd healed enough that he was ready to declare her fit for duty-physically, anyhow. She would need to see Ezri before he could in good conscience pronounce her fully recovered.
But since she'd passed the physical, he said, "I think this is cause for celebration."
She gave him a small smile from where she sat on the exam bench.
He nodded at the door. "Come on, I'll take you out for a drink at Quark's. My treat."
"Okay."
He ordered a Saurian brandy and paid for her synthehol cocktail as well. They found a table in a quiet corner on the upper level.
He lifted his glass. "A toast. To having you back and recovering."
Solemnly, she added, "To officers who come after you, and friends who see you through the aftermath."
They clinked glasses and drank.
She stared down into her drink, stirred it, stopped. Then she said, "It was like I forgot everything."
He waited; didn't press.
"As if I didn't-I forgot everything I learned at the Academy. I didn't fight well, I didn't fight hard enough, it was like I never learned combat training at all. I panicked. I didn't want him to hurt me. The thought of- You're supposed to be brave. But if he'd wanted information-" She took a gulp, almost choked. "I would've. I would've given it to him.
"I begged him. At first. I begged him not to. I told him I didn't know anything, I told him I'd tell him everything I knew. It was so pathetic, I- I can hardly stand to think about it.
"You're supposed to be brave, and you're supposed to stay alive. Above everything else. And I-after, he kept trying to get me to eat, and I wouldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to take anything he offered. I thought I was being strong. But all it did was make me weak and sick and useless."
She'd grown agitated, her voice shaking and her face red. With embarrassment or self-hatred, he couldn't tell. Perhaps it didn't matter which.
He let her recover herself a bit before he said, "You said you were sorry."
She looked up at him.
"Back on Cardassia III, when Odo and I came for you, you told me you were sorry. Do you remember?"
She shook her head. "I don't really remember anything about that day."
He hummed in understanding. "I wondered what you were apologizing for. But I think you've just told me."
"Yeah."
"I'm going to say the same thing I told you then, because it's still true: You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I'm-I was an embarrassment to Starfleet. I should have fought better. I should have held out."
"Karin. There was nothing more you could have done."
She looked up at him, incredulous. "I couldn't even-"
"I don't care what anybody tells you. No one can withstand torture. Everybody breaks. It's a rare person who manages to be brave or logical when they're being hurt, even when they're simply being threatened with pain, when they're terrified and alone and powerless."
She started to say something, then stopped and took another drink.
"What is it?"
"Nothing."
He forced himself to remain gentle. "Karin, what?"
Avoiding his gaze now, she said in a small voice, "It wasn't torture."
He paused. "What do you mean, it wasn't torture?" She surely hadn't asked Makor to abduct her, tie her up, rape her and starve her. Surely she hadn't enjoyed it.
"I mean, it wasn't- Except for the- There weren't any of those devices you hear about. No pain implants or contortion bondage or bone-breaking or poisons or interrogations. It was just sex."
"Just sex," he repeated, surprised by her attitude. "Just sex against your will while you were imprisoned by a man with physical and political power you didn't stand a chance against."
Her breathing quickened.
"Just sex while you were handcuffed to a bed. While you were stripped and humiliated and not given an opportunity to say no. Sex that was so rough you bled. Sex that-"
"Stop, Julian, stop, please."
He stopped. "I'm sorry." He took a drink himself, trying to calm down. "But that's not sex, Karin. That's rape. There's a reason it's classified as torture under Federation law."
"I just mean. I wasn't exactly screaming in agony like when you're actually tortured."
He took a breath, let it out. She could stand to hear this. "When I was captured by the Dominion," he began, and noticed that she sat up straighter to listen, "they put me in solitary confinement for four days. There was no light, no sound, no chronometer, no body to latch onto. They fed me once a day through a slot in the door that locked from the outside. There was a small hole in one end of the cell to relieve myself in. I almost went out of my mind. It was one of the worst experiences I've ever lived through. Would you call that torture?"
"Of course."
"But I didn't scream. They didn't cut me or chain me up. No physical harm was done to me. Do you see what I'm saying?"
She nodded.
"Rape isn't only about physical pain. It's about fear, degradation, power and powerlessness. It breaks down the victim. What Gul Makor did to you was nothing short of systematic torture, and it hurts me beyond words to see you feeling guilty about it."
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"Don't be sorry!" She jumped when he slapped the table. "You have every right to be upset that someone assaulted you. Don't beat yourself up because you think you didn't fight hard enough or your anguish wasn't as bad as someone else's."
He was getting loud-other patrons were glancing their way-and Karin was starting to look frightened. He took another deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
She scraped her chair back. "Restroom. Excuse me."
Damn it. He'd pushed her too far. "You don't have to run. I'll go."
"No, it's fine. I just need a minute."
At his cautious nod, she walked past him to the restrooms. He drank in silence and gazed down at the main level.
When Karin came back, she seemed calmer.
"Maybe Ezri is a better person to talk to about all of this," he said as she took a sip of her drink.
"I like talking to you. If that's all right," she said. "You know me better than most people here. And when you talk, you're not saying things because you're a therapist, or a doctor."
He nodded. "I understand. But as a trained counselor, Ezri can help you in ways I can't. What I'm saying to you may not be helping."
"It means a lot to me that you said what you said before. About what happened being torture. And that it's okay to be-to be traumatized. I thought I was being-I thought I shouldn't be as affected as I am by what happened. Because I-because it was-I thought some of it was my fault."
"It wasn't-"
"Yes, I know, that's the standard response. But it can't always be true."
All right; different tack. "Do you want to talk about why you felt that way?"
She licked her lips. Looked over the rail, then back at him, then down at the table. "I'd never had sex before."
His heart felt like it dropped in his chest.
"My God, Karin." He drained what was left of his brandy, new fury welling up at what that cretin had done to her.
"And I thought-if I had, if I'd known what to expect, I could've kept myself together better, found a way to stop him."
Fantasy thoughts. She had to know that. "Do you think you could have avoided what happened if you'd somehow, impossibly, kept a clear head?"
"I could've… I could've fought him off, maybe. If I'd been able to concentrate."
"And then what? Do you know how to incapacitate a Cardassian gul?"
She gave him something like a sly look. "Besides the universal constant of 'kick him as hard as you can between the legs'?"
He snorted softly. "Suppose you managed to take him down. Where were you? There were guards in the hall. Surveillance everywhere. A high-security facility. Nothing but monitored channels and Cardassian warships to escape with."
She looked down again. "They would have caught me and sent me right back in there."
"Where he would have assaulted you anyway, only he would have been angrier, and you would probably have been hurt much worse than you were."
She sighed.
"Karin, you fought and you survived, with minimal physical trauma. I think that's the best anyone can hope for."
He held her gaze and watched as she let the message sink in. Then he reached for his glass before remembering that it was empty. "Do you want another drink?" he asked her. She shook her head, turning her own mostly empty glass in circles on the table.
He probably shouldn't have any more, anyhow. Not with a conversation this delicate, much as he might like to numb the knowledge that Karin had lost her virginity in a rape on a foreign world.
He wondered suddenly: "Did you tell him?" Could the man have been that heartless? Or had he become even more aroused at the knowledge? God damn him.
"I tried everything I could think of. It didn't make a difference."
"Was he at least-" God. "Was he any gentler?"
She started to tear up. "I don't know."
"All right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
He waited quietly while she pulled herself back together.
Eventually, she said, "And then after, I mean since then, I was thinking, I thought, you know, that what happened wouldn't be as hard to get over if I'd done it before. Had s-sex, I mean."
He considered that. "You might be right," he said. "You'll have to talk to Ezri about it. But you do realize that rape is not an easy thing to recover from, whether you're experienced or not?"
* * *
Characters/Fandom: Karin, Bashir, Odo; implied Karin/Makor (Deep Space Nine) - see author's notes here
Word Count: 3,100
Rating/Warning: PG-13 for implications and discussions of past sexual assault
Note: White space is where scenes skip. Be forewarned that the piece just falls off a cliff at the "end" as well, where I stopped writing when something else shiny caught my attention. And yes, still melodramatic and probably not at all representative of real debriefings or post-traumatic conversations. Other than that-enjoy?
[Rescue; Bashir, Karin and Odo]
He'd been braced to find her terrified, hurt, tortured, possibly assaulted. He didn't expect to find her tied to the Gul's bed.
She was asleep or unconscious, her shoulders and arms bare where they emerged from the sheet someone had thrown over her. Her hands were restrained with regulation metal cuffs behind the slatted headboard. It looked like she'd been struck several times and dehydrated, too. He swore and stepped closer. Her wrists were raw, cut and swollen from struggling.
"Karin?" he said softly.
No response. He tugged out his medical tricorder, scanned her once, swore again.
He tapped his communicator. "Bashir to Odo."
"Odo here."
"I don't suppose you have a skeleton key to Cardassian handcuffs?"
"I'm afraid not, Doctor."
"I need to cut Karin free, here. Any suggestions?"
"I'm on my way. Odo out."
Odo showed up a few minutes later and grunted when he saw the situation. He gestured towards the bed. "May I?"
Julian nodded. Odo walked to the headboard and peered at the cuffs. "I can unlock them if I can touch them," he said. Julian nodded again, and Odo let a finger go liquid before inserting it into the mechanism. He held the cuffs still with his other hand.
Karin stirred. Julian tried her name again. She whimpered, shifted.
"Karin, it's Julian. I'm here with Constable Odo. We're getting you out."
She whimpered a second time and suddenly jerked her arms, banging the cuffs into the headboard. Odo let go. "Stop," she whispered, and swallowed, as though speaking that one word had taken enormous effort.
"Karin. Karin, we're not going to hurt you. Can you hear me?"
She was shaking her head, breathing hard.
"Karin. It's Julian. Gul Makor is gone. He's not going to touch you. You're safe. We're taking you home."
She opened her eyes, slowly focused on him.
"That's it," he coaxed.
"'lian?" she breathed.
"That's right. We're here." A nod to Odo, and he started to work on the cuffs again.
"Dreamed," she whispered.
"Not a dream." He wanted to touch her, reassure her, but she would spook too easily after what had happened to her.
"Julian," she repeated.
"Yes."
Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry." Her voice went high and tight, and when she closed her eyes she started to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Julian shared a glance with Odo. "Sorry for what? You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Couldn't. I couldn't. I'm sorry." Couldn't what? Overpower him? Resist under torture? She went on, but he couldn't understand her.
Odo hmmphed and there was a click. He stepped back so Julian could carefully free her. Her bruised arms lay limp, fingers curled.
"Karin. Whatever you've done, you're forgiven. It's okay. You're okay."
Her breath hitched.
"I'm going to give you a sedative and something to bring down your fever. Then we're going to bring you back to the station and treat you. All right?"
She didn't seem to be in any state to reply, but she didn't protest, so he readied the hypo and shot it home. She relaxed, her mumbles quieting.
After checking over the rest of the rooms, Odo helped him wrap her in the bedsheet and then he lifted her into his arms. They beamed back on board the runabout and headed home.
[Pre-debriefing; Odo and Bashir]
"Doctor."
"Yes, Odo."
"How is her condition?"
"She's -----"
He grunted. "She needs to be debriefed. As soon as possible. I need to know what she told Makor and what she may have learned."
"Understood."
"And Odo? Try to be gentle. She's been through a traumatic experience."
"Believe me, I've interviewed plenty of traumatized Bajorans in my career."
Julian supposed that was true.
[Debriefing; Odo and Karin]
"He didn't ask for much information. That's not why he-that's not why he wanted me."
"I understand," he said. "But it's important for you to tell me everything you said to him. If the Cardassians have sensitive information in their possession, I need to know."
He placed the recording device on the table between them. "What do you remember telling Gul Makor?"
She took a slow breath. "My name. My rank. That I'm from the station. Deep Space Nine. He already knew that, though."
He hmmed for her to continue.
"That I'm in Starfleet Medical and studying comparative xenobiology. Um."
"Go on."
"Some things about my family. Some-some very personal information about me." She squirmed and averted her eyes. "Do I have to say what?"
"If it might compromise station or Federation security, yes."
She shook her head. "It didn't have anything to do with that."
"All right. What else?"
"I can't-I don't think anything else."
He made a note on his PADD. "Did he demand or did you provide any access codes?"
"No."
"Names of personnel?"
"No."
"Technical specifications for any ships, stations, bases or equipment?"
"No."
"Locations of any classified colonies or installations?"
"No. I don't even know this stuff anyway."
He made another note. "Were you, at any time, alone with Gul Makor?"
"Yes. Most of the time."
"And when you were alone, what happened?"
She went still. It took a few moments for her to speak. "Do I have to talk about it?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Are people going to know when they read your report?"
"Unless the person affected is of a certain stature or other significance, any details of a personal nature will be stripped from the record."
She breathed. "Okay. I-When I was alone with Gul M-makor, he would-he handcuffed me to a bed and sexually assaulted me."
"Gul Makor forced you to perform sexual intercourse with him?"
"Yes."
"Without your consent?"
"Yes. I-I told him to stop, repeatedly, but he-but he didn't."
"And approximately how long were you alone with Makor?"
"For most of my time there, when he wasn't at meetings or checking up on his ship. Julian-Dr. Bashir said it was five days?"
"You were with him both days and nights?"
"Yes."
"And during this time, he would engage in nonconsensual intercourse with you?"
"Yes. Or he would talk to me, or read his PADD, or try to get me to eat. The sex happened about-a couple of times a day, I guess."
"Did he request or demand other sexual favors?"
She was twisting her hands in her lap now. "Odo…"
"I'm sorry, but it needs to be reported."
"I… Fellatio. And-with my hand, he would make me-" She stopped.
"Manual stimulation to orgasm?"
"Yes." She was starting to cry.
"Of him, or of yourself?"
"Him. And he-he would, he would try, with his hands and his mouth, to make me."
"He performed cunnilingus on you?"
"Yes," she said in a small voice.
"And did he force you to participate in any other sexual activities?"
She closed her eyes. "Once. He." She sobbed. "I can't, Odo, I can't."
"You can. This doesn't leave my office. Take your time."
Through her tears, still without looking at him, she said, "He-one time, he-tied my legs to the bed, too, and-he had a-I don't know what it was, some kind of-of toy-and he, and he put it in me, and he wouldn't take it out until I-" She sobbed again. "Until I came."
She didn't say anything else. He murmured, "All right. Take it easy," and gave her a few minutes to calm down.
When she looked ready, he asked, "Did he at any time injure you, use pain implants, or otherwise cause you physical harm beyond that of the acts in question?"
She sniffed. "No. Well-he hit me, a few times. When he was angry."
"I see. Where did he strike you?"
"On my face."
"Anywhere else?"
"No."
"And at any time, did he state or imply that he would stop performing these activities with you if you divulged certain information to him?"
"No. He just wanted-he just wanted-"
He waited.
"To have sex. With me." She shook herself suddenly. "I don't know why! I don't know why he picked me! I don't know anything important. I didn't ask for it. I'm not even that pretty." She swiped at her eyes.
Odo leaned forward. "Do you want to take a break?"
"No, I want to get this over with."
"All right."
[Bashir and Karin]
By the end of the week, she'd healed enough that he was ready to declare her fit for duty-physically, anyhow. She would need to see Ezri before he could in good conscience pronounce her fully recovered.
But since she'd passed the physical, he said, "I think this is cause for celebration."
She gave him a small smile from where she sat on the exam bench.
He nodded at the door. "Come on, I'll take you out for a drink at Quark's. My treat."
"Okay."
He ordered a Saurian brandy and paid for her synthehol cocktail as well. They found a table in a quiet corner on the upper level.
He lifted his glass. "A toast. To having you back and recovering."
Solemnly, she added, "To officers who come after you, and friends who see you through the aftermath."
They clinked glasses and drank.
She stared down into her drink, stirred it, stopped. Then she said, "It was like I forgot everything."
He waited; didn't press.
"As if I didn't-I forgot everything I learned at the Academy. I didn't fight well, I didn't fight hard enough, it was like I never learned combat training at all. I panicked. I didn't want him to hurt me. The thought of- You're supposed to be brave. But if he'd wanted information-" She took a gulp, almost choked. "I would've. I would've given it to him.
"I begged him. At first. I begged him not to. I told him I didn't know anything, I told him I'd tell him everything I knew. It was so pathetic, I- I can hardly stand to think about it.
"You're supposed to be brave, and you're supposed to stay alive. Above everything else. And I-after, he kept trying to get me to eat, and I wouldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to take anything he offered. I thought I was being strong. But all it did was make me weak and sick and useless."
She'd grown agitated, her voice shaking and her face red. With embarrassment or self-hatred, he couldn't tell. Perhaps it didn't matter which.
He let her recover herself a bit before he said, "You said you were sorry."
She looked up at him.
"Back on Cardassia III, when Odo and I came for you, you told me you were sorry. Do you remember?"
She shook her head. "I don't really remember anything about that day."
He hummed in understanding. "I wondered what you were apologizing for. But I think you've just told me."
"Yeah."
"I'm going to say the same thing I told you then, because it's still true: You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I'm-I was an embarrassment to Starfleet. I should have fought better. I should have held out."
"Karin. There was nothing more you could have done."
She looked up at him, incredulous. "I couldn't even-"
"I don't care what anybody tells you. No one can withstand torture. Everybody breaks. It's a rare person who manages to be brave or logical when they're being hurt, even when they're simply being threatened with pain, when they're terrified and alone and powerless."
She started to say something, then stopped and took another drink.
"What is it?"
"Nothing."
He forced himself to remain gentle. "Karin, what?"
Avoiding his gaze now, she said in a small voice, "It wasn't torture."
He paused. "What do you mean, it wasn't torture?" She surely hadn't asked Makor to abduct her, tie her up, rape her and starve her. Surely she hadn't enjoyed it.
"I mean, it wasn't- Except for the- There weren't any of those devices you hear about. No pain implants or contortion bondage or bone-breaking or poisons or interrogations. It was just sex."
"Just sex," he repeated, surprised by her attitude. "Just sex against your will while you were imprisoned by a man with physical and political power you didn't stand a chance against."
Her breathing quickened.
"Just sex while you were handcuffed to a bed. While you were stripped and humiliated and not given an opportunity to say no. Sex that was so rough you bled. Sex that-"
"Stop, Julian, stop, please."
He stopped. "I'm sorry." He took a drink himself, trying to calm down. "But that's not sex, Karin. That's rape. There's a reason it's classified as torture under Federation law."
"I just mean. I wasn't exactly screaming in agony like when you're actually tortured."
He took a breath, let it out. She could stand to hear this. "When I was captured by the Dominion," he began, and noticed that she sat up straighter to listen, "they put me in solitary confinement for four days. There was no light, no sound, no chronometer, no body to latch onto. They fed me once a day through a slot in the door that locked from the outside. There was a small hole in one end of the cell to relieve myself in. I almost went out of my mind. It was one of the worst experiences I've ever lived through. Would you call that torture?"
"Of course."
"But I didn't scream. They didn't cut me or chain me up. No physical harm was done to me. Do you see what I'm saying?"
She nodded.
"Rape isn't only about physical pain. It's about fear, degradation, power and powerlessness. It breaks down the victim. What Gul Makor did to you was nothing short of systematic torture, and it hurts me beyond words to see you feeling guilty about it."
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"Don't be sorry!" She jumped when he slapped the table. "You have every right to be upset that someone assaulted you. Don't beat yourself up because you think you didn't fight hard enough or your anguish wasn't as bad as someone else's."
He was getting loud-other patrons were glancing their way-and Karin was starting to look frightened. He took another deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
She scraped her chair back. "Restroom. Excuse me."
Damn it. He'd pushed her too far. "You don't have to run. I'll go."
"No, it's fine. I just need a minute."
At his cautious nod, she walked past him to the restrooms. He drank in silence and gazed down at the main level.
When Karin came back, she seemed calmer.
"Maybe Ezri is a better person to talk to about all of this," he said as she took a sip of her drink.
"I like talking to you. If that's all right," she said. "You know me better than most people here. And when you talk, you're not saying things because you're a therapist, or a doctor."
He nodded. "I understand. But as a trained counselor, Ezri can help you in ways I can't. What I'm saying to you may not be helping."
"It means a lot to me that you said what you said before. About what happened being torture. And that it's okay to be-to be traumatized. I thought I was being-I thought I shouldn't be as affected as I am by what happened. Because I-because it was-I thought some of it was my fault."
"It wasn't-"
"Yes, I know, that's the standard response. But it can't always be true."
All right; different tack. "Do you want to talk about why you felt that way?"
She licked her lips. Looked over the rail, then back at him, then down at the table. "I'd never had sex before."
His heart felt like it dropped in his chest.
"My God, Karin." He drained what was left of his brandy, new fury welling up at what that cretin had done to her.
"And I thought-if I had, if I'd known what to expect, I could've kept myself together better, found a way to stop him."
Fantasy thoughts. She had to know that. "Do you think you could have avoided what happened if you'd somehow, impossibly, kept a clear head?"
"I could've… I could've fought him off, maybe. If I'd been able to concentrate."
"And then what? Do you know how to incapacitate a Cardassian gul?"
She gave him something like a sly look. "Besides the universal constant of 'kick him as hard as you can between the legs'?"
He snorted softly. "Suppose you managed to take him down. Where were you? There were guards in the hall. Surveillance everywhere. A high-security facility. Nothing but monitored channels and Cardassian warships to escape with."
She looked down again. "They would have caught me and sent me right back in there."
"Where he would have assaulted you anyway, only he would have been angrier, and you would probably have been hurt much worse than you were."
She sighed.
"Karin, you fought and you survived, with minimal physical trauma. I think that's the best anyone can hope for."
He held her gaze and watched as she let the message sink in. Then he reached for his glass before remembering that it was empty. "Do you want another drink?" he asked her. She shook her head, turning her own mostly empty glass in circles on the table.
He probably shouldn't have any more, anyhow. Not with a conversation this delicate, much as he might like to numb the knowledge that Karin had lost her virginity in a rape on a foreign world.
He wondered suddenly: "Did you tell him?" Could the man have been that heartless? Or had he become even more aroused at the knowledge? God damn him.
"I tried everything I could think of. It didn't make a difference."
"Was he at least-" God. "Was he any gentler?"
She started to tear up. "I don't know."
"All right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
He waited quietly while she pulled herself back together.
Eventually, she said, "And then after, I mean since then, I was thinking, I thought, you know, that what happened wouldn't be as hard to get over if I'd done it before. Had s-sex, I mean."
He considered that. "You might be right," he said. "You'll have to talk to Ezri about it. But you do realize that rape is not an easy thing to recover from, whether you're experienced or not?"
* * *