I wish I had a memory to match this one, but unfortunately I spend a lot of my youth with teachers who thought I was too smart for my own good and neaded to be taken down a peg or two. Sorry, there's a good bit of bitterness about that...
To a memory: The first time I saw a professional teacher about singing she remarked that I had an amazing range and that it was a pity I was not younger.
Add-on: While that's a great memory I was sad because the "not younger" meant that if I had been younger I could have gone somewhere with singing. And I'd spent my life hearing that I was never going to be better than just an okay back-up or choir singer. So now I never will, but I could have. I have a similar one about my piano playing. Damned people who take you down and hold you back and instill the belief that music is not a career.
Still, who's to say when it's too late? That even now "at your age" you're not able to start something, whether it's a career or serious hobby in singing or piano playing?
I know exactly the feeling you mean - the wretched embarrassment, the slightly sick resentment at being pulled up in front of the class, and the strange, secret pride in being chosen, all the same. For me, there was the odd sense of being ashamed OF feeling kind of proud; I knew I "should" feel good about being singled out by the teacher, but that was an emotion only fitting for other students. My place, I had decided, was to be apart and cherish being apart, and secretly wanting to be picked felt almost perverse
( ... )
For me, there was the odd sense of being ashamed OF feeling kind of proudOh, yes, there was that too. I'm not sure if it was for the same reason as yours. In fact, it may have been a somewhat opposite motivation, in that I did feel an outsider and mostly cherished the position but also wanted to fit in. (Ah, adolescence.) From what I remember of unspoken honor student codes, it was generally accepted that only the nerds (laughed at) and one or two super-smart kids (i.e. our increasingly big-headed and popular valedictorian) wanted to be called on, and while I often felt like both, I wanted to be seen as neither -- or rather, not to be seen much at all. So while I did flush partly out of pride for being recognized by the teacher, I would have preferred it to be done alone after class rather than in front of everyone, because I always thought getting called on made it look like I was fishing for praise
( ... )
I remember reading Nigel Hawthorne's autobiography and discovering that he was actually quite shy face-to-face. He divides actors into two categories: those who act to reveal themselves, and those who act to conceal themselves. Laurence Olivier, of all people, has actually mentioned being similarly drawn to hide behind the role, and interestingly ascribes his penchant for false noses in virtually every role to his feeling that the bridge of the nose was a particularly emotionally vulnerable spot, one he didn't want his audience looking at.
As you can tell, I'm kind of fascinated by this. :)
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To a memory:
The first time I saw a professional teacher about singing she remarked that I had an amazing range and that it was a pity I was not younger.
Add-on:
While that's a great memory I was sad because the "not younger" meant that if I had been younger I could have gone somewhere with singing. And I'd spent my life hearing that I was never going to be better than just an okay back-up or choir singer. So now I never will, but I could have.
I have a similar one about my piano playing. Damned people who take you down and hold you back and instill the belief that music is not a career.
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As you can tell, I'm kind of fascinated by this. :)
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