not sure how to express myself
Hi guys,
it's been a while that I have posted here. To say that I'm irregular is an overstatement;-) However, occassionally something draws me here because this place seems to be about the only place to talk about certain things openly.
My name is A., I'm 26 and kind of a scientist.
My thing tht concerns me right now is that every once in a whil I get this feeling that there is a part in my life which I would like to be able to more openly express. Thats my kind of andogynous side or whatever.
I've always been rather androgynous in my mind (or rather, as a kid I wanted to be a boy. - now no longer, but I also don't want to be confined to the very girly side either, I want to be who I am.)
However it is hard for me, especially since I'm "straight" (mostly) and together with a guy, and there doesn'gt seem to be a really comunity for people like me.At least I haven't found it. I don't mean by that, that I would be looking for a special "staight" community, or something, really not. The thing is rather that I see that there is a lot of "andogynous culture" for the gay, but I feel I cannot enter into this since I'm not gay.
For the straight it seems almost everybody expects you to play the kind of standard role of society, for example in terms of style.
As for me, I'm certainly androgynous compared to many others. I'm the kind of girl who prefers to run arround with baggy pants and the kind where you have to wait a long time to see me run around with a tight, sleveless shirt or mini skirt.
However I also learned by now to keep rather to a kind of normal female style to make my life easier. (At school at a certain time I still had a rather "exotic" style, and you can believe me, life was not easy!)
However, there is still this urge that I feel I'd like to express myself more.
Whenever I see very androgynous or boyish girls I'm very fascinated and enrapt. I'm not sure whether it is because I would like to be like them or also I feel a bit attacted by them or most likely a bit of both. (I'm not certain it seems I'm to a certain degree attracted by very masculine grils.. which is funny, because I once did a test that showed I'm attracted to masculine features in men.. and by any other type of women I'm not attaracted at all.. well, whatever..)
The thing is also, actually 3 things: Maybe I would like to have a more androgynous kind of style but firstly I maybe lack a bit of self-confidance but this also has to do with the two other point to follow, that is that I feel for me as beeing in a straight relationship and having the kind of normal straight life there are especially conservative expectations tworads me and the other thing is that I feel since I'm not lesbian some people might feel I should not dress or behave as usually a lesbian would. Also I don't want to misslead people.
I mean actually I feel it is about my life and not what people expect me to be or not to be because I'm female, because I'm not lesbian or whatever. Still, I don't want to get much into trouble with people and be alone. I'd rather like to find a community where I can express myself as a am..
Thing is I actually live pretty close to Berlin (Germany), and I think if anywhere in europe, it is possible to find most kinds of communitioes in Berlin. However I don't know how to find them or if even one exists for me.
Maybe communities are overrated anyway, but there is this kind of deep search in me to find a way to more fully express myself..
Do you guys have any ideas?
Some more words on how I see myself or maybe wpuld like to see myself.
For example I'd for once like to have a kind of short and boyish haircut.. Only, I don't know if it looks good with my head shape, also it takes a really long time to grow back if it is bad and also I'm actually afraid about peoples reactions. I know that certainly my boyfriend would complain and my relatives would pity it. But it is not about them, rather about the other people, like at my work, who only now me as the more or less normal girl. (i had the hair fairly short once: when I was 11 I head it about ear length which is still not totally short. Right now my hair is shoulder length)
Secondly I don't fully oppose the kind of "normal straight" life. For example I wish to have children and a family some time. The idea of being pregent and being a mother doesn't dirsturb me at all. However I cannot imagine to be the normal very femine kind of mother. I imagine myself to be the kind of birlish mother, I don't see a problem at all. (Exept maybe me boyfriend. I can see that for him who maybe never wished for any thing else then the default, the situation is hard. However I also cannot imagine to be anybody else than I am.)
So please, if you have some opinions, or suggestions, let me know!