A penny for my thoughts would make me a millionaire.
Today I feel sad. Unloved. Unlovable. Worthless, crappy, useless and a waste of space. I feel as though nobody wants me as a friend, lover, business colleague, family member. I am held at arm's length, and hold people in the same way for fear of emotional annihilation. And every connection I have worked at cultivating is all for naught. Because who am I?
I'm not doing anything, and it feels as though every time I take a chance and dip my toe into a new experience I fail at it miserably. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, and it's not fair of me to ask anyone to stop what they're doing just to placate me and my stupid feelings. I need to learn to harden the fuck up and just accept that I can't be friends with everyone. And that not everyone is going to like me.
Sometimes I feel as though I help people so they wont see how fragile I am. But I am. So fragile. And I need help sometimes, but I don't know how to tell people. Sometimes I just want to scream "It's not always about you!!" but I know it wont stop. And the voices in my head ask why anyone would want to help me anyway? I just want someone to help me in the way I need to be helped, but I know it's not possible. Because nobody can.
I know this feeling will pass. I know it's just today.
But today I am intolerably inexorably alone.
I'm not doing anything, and it feels as though every time I take a chance and dip my toe into a new experience I fail at it miserably. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, and it's not fair of me to ask anyone to stop what they're doing just to placate me and my stupid feelings. I need to learn to harden the fuck up and just accept that I can't be friends with everyone. And that not everyone is going to like me.
Sometimes I feel as though I help people so they wont see how fragile I am. But I am. So fragile. And I need help sometimes, but I don't know how to tell people. Sometimes I just want to scream "It's not always about you!!" but I know it wont stop. And the voices in my head ask why anyone would want to help me anyway? I just want someone to help me in the way I need to be helped, but I know it's not possible. Because nobody can.
I know this feeling will pass. I know it's just today.
But today I am intolerably inexorably alone.