Confession
I have found another reason to dust off these keys and type another entry. Though it is "private", and perhaps that means that I still have not gotten the whole point behind online journaling.
It is more difficult that one could ever realize having to filter your every emotion. Cutting yourself off from the world, unable to truly experience it for lack of feeling. But it is a necessary evil, in my case quite literally. Like any other human I feel pain and sorrow, and occasionally joy...but never hope. I know my fate, and I know that I will only hurt those who choose to become close to me. But one girl in particular has had me staring into my meditative mirror far more often than I am accustomed, trying to find some sort of balance between my many inner selves.
Things began "normal" enough, provided that anything is normal at this place. While there have been no great magical crises here, even Azer would laugh at the drama these enchanted schoolgirls occasionally cause for themselves and those around them. I was trying to read one of my spellbooks when there came a rapping, gently tapping at my chamber door. It was the new girl, another of the cross-dressers, wanting me to chapperone her and River's trip into town. I went out of concern for River; I knew her codewords, but equally as important, she was there for me earlier when I needed her.
. . .
That last sentence seems odd, seeing it written in black and white so. I still cannot fathom that someone actually was and continues to be concerned for me and my well being. And saying that was my reason for going is only a half-truth as it is...deep down, I wanted to go with her. And that's the part that bothers me most.
We went to town, and I can't recall anything that Ralph said or did. She seemed to be more of a third wheel than anything, almost as if she were our chapperone instead. It became painfully obvious that I was starting to develop sort of a crush on this girl, for reasons unknown even to me. It just sort of...happened. And has been for the past few months, now that I look back. I tried to kill off these feelings as soon as I was able to label and classify them, but to no avail. No amount of meditation seemed to balance me. After hearing Paige's lectures earlier that week on dealing with love potions gone awry, I had what I thought to be a clever idea. An antidote. Surely if love potions can cause such grievous harm, there had to have been at least one case where it's effects had to be counteracted. And if such an elixir can dispell a permanent, magical bonding such as that, surely it should assist in combating a minor infatuation.
Note to self: Minako cannot be trusted.
Yes, in a moment of desperation, I asked the girl always blathering about love potions to let me borrow her notes. I was mocked, ridiculed, and verbally attacked as a result, and that was not even the worst of it. I don't know how she knew, as I had only recently admitted these feelings to myself, but she immediately went to tell River. She became frightened, and rushed to my side as quickly as possible. And now, things have degenerated to the worst possible scenario. I do not know how to repress these emotions, to regain my calmness and neutrality. I find that River not only reciprocates these feelings, but her over-emotional self has fallen for me greatly; I can only assume Simon has her on a new form of medication as a possible explanation. As such, it will only be more difficult to ignore what I am beginning to feel, and shall probably cost my my only friend here when she realizes that I am not capable of "love". Meanwhile, Minako apparently knows my second biggest secret next to my dark lineage, and it's doubtful that she can keep her mouth shut. And I still have to clean up what's left of my room, my unstable powers having demolished the place before I could finally regain control over them.
If there were only a way to cleanse me of this evil, this taint on my soul...
It is more difficult that one could ever realize having to filter your every emotion. Cutting yourself off from the world, unable to truly experience it for lack of feeling. But it is a necessary evil, in my case quite literally. Like any other human I feel pain and sorrow, and occasionally joy...but never hope. I know my fate, and I know that I will only hurt those who choose to become close to me. But one girl in particular has had me staring into my meditative mirror far more often than I am accustomed, trying to find some sort of balance between my many inner selves.
Things began "normal" enough, provided that anything is normal at this place. While there have been no great magical crises here, even Azer would laugh at the drama these enchanted schoolgirls occasionally cause for themselves and those around them. I was trying to read one of my spellbooks when there came a rapping, gently tapping at my chamber door. It was the new girl, another of the cross-dressers, wanting me to chapperone her and River's trip into town. I went out of concern for River; I knew her codewords, but equally as important, she was there for me earlier when I needed her.
. . .
That last sentence seems odd, seeing it written in black and white so. I still cannot fathom that someone actually was and continues to be concerned for me and my well being. And saying that was my reason for going is only a half-truth as it is...deep down, I wanted to go with her. And that's the part that bothers me most.
We went to town, and I can't recall anything that Ralph said or did. She seemed to be more of a third wheel than anything, almost as if she were our chapperone instead. It became painfully obvious that I was starting to develop sort of a crush on this girl, for reasons unknown even to me. It just sort of...happened. And has been for the past few months, now that I look back. I tried to kill off these feelings as soon as I was able to label and classify them, but to no avail. No amount of meditation seemed to balance me. After hearing Paige's lectures earlier that week on dealing with love potions gone awry, I had what I thought to be a clever idea. An antidote. Surely if love potions can cause such grievous harm, there had to have been at least one case where it's effects had to be counteracted. And if such an elixir can dispell a permanent, magical bonding such as that, surely it should assist in combating a minor infatuation.
Note to self: Minako cannot be trusted.
Yes, in a moment of desperation, I asked the girl always blathering about love potions to let me borrow her notes. I was mocked, ridiculed, and verbally attacked as a result, and that was not even the worst of it. I don't know how she knew, as I had only recently admitted these feelings to myself, but she immediately went to tell River. She became frightened, and rushed to my side as quickly as possible. And now, things have degenerated to the worst possible scenario. I do not know how to repress these emotions, to regain my calmness and neutrality. I find that River not only reciprocates these feelings, but her over-emotional self has fallen for me greatly; I can only assume Simon has her on a new form of medication as a possible explanation. As such, it will only be more difficult to ignore what I am beginning to feel, and shall probably cost my my only friend here when she realizes that I am not capable of "love". Meanwhile, Minako apparently knows my second biggest secret next to my dark lineage, and it's doubtful that she can keep her mouth shut. And I still have to clean up what's left of my room, my unstable powers having demolished the place before I could finally regain control over them.
If there were only a way to cleanse me of this evil, this taint on my soul...