It's been a while...
I was talking with a friend tonight who mentioned that I haven't blogged in a while. So, I thought, since I'm up, even though I'm dead tired, I'll write a little something. It is hard sometimes to write new and creative things when life seems to stay the same. But I feel like tonight is a good night to just write and see what flows. I am in an extremely contemplative mood (I know, big surprise for me).
There have been some little triumphs and some sadness in my life recently. The sadness is that one of my pet parrots, a cockatiel I have had for almost 25 years, died last night. I was at a friend's, and I get the phone call from my mother at 11 pm-- she is sobbing so hard I can barely understand her. We all loved him dearly, and though that is pretty old for a cockatiel, it is always hard when a pet seems to suddenly die. I feel lucky that I wasn't the one to find him; shame for my mom though, because she still seems pretty shaken up about losing the sweet little thing.
They say death makes one examine their life, and I would hold that true to even a little death such as this. Because time passes, things die, and before we know it we blink and it is next month, next year... I am about to enter clicheville here, but it honestly makes me think about the whole "living in the moment" thing, and not letting things pass you by. I thought about the resolutions I made a month ago, the things I want out of this year, this life, how true I am being to myself. Because that's what it really comes down to; when I fail at the goals because of stupid choices or laziness or fear, I fail myself. And I want better. I need to know that, in the dark night of the soul when it is just me and my thoughts, that I can honestly say I did the best I could. And the things on the resolution list I want bad. It is almost like a power has come over me, a fervor if you will, to not slip, to not let the precarious little bit of progress I have made fall by the wayside because of giving up.
This morning was a big morning for me regarding my fitness goals. I weighed myself, and I am the lowest I can ever remember being. It is only by half a pound, but I have never seen that digit reflected back at me. And so I can also officially say that I am 29 pounds away from what I want to try and be. I don't know if I have ever been in the 20's before, and it feels great. I am finally starting to see the potential my body has to be fit, strong, and incredibly beautiful, flaws and all. Don't they say that imperfections make things more beautiful? I am grateful for my stretchmarks; they are a wonderful reminder for me of where I was, how far I have come from that point, and also to remind me how much I never want to be there again. I keep saying I get this "new feeling", a deeper desire to lose weight. And each time I say it, it is true. But as I now venture into completely unknown territory, the emotions I feel, the changes I see, are creating in me even more of a desire to be truly healthy, to live the life I want to have, and to not let anything pass me by. Carpe Diem. Leap, and the net will appear.
There have been some little triumphs and some sadness in my life recently. The sadness is that one of my pet parrots, a cockatiel I have had for almost 25 years, died last night. I was at a friend's, and I get the phone call from my mother at 11 pm-- she is sobbing so hard I can barely understand her. We all loved him dearly, and though that is pretty old for a cockatiel, it is always hard when a pet seems to suddenly die. I feel lucky that I wasn't the one to find him; shame for my mom though, because she still seems pretty shaken up about losing the sweet little thing.
They say death makes one examine their life, and I would hold that true to even a little death such as this. Because time passes, things die, and before we know it we blink and it is next month, next year... I am about to enter clicheville here, but it honestly makes me think about the whole "living in the moment" thing, and not letting things pass you by. I thought about the resolutions I made a month ago, the things I want out of this year, this life, how true I am being to myself. Because that's what it really comes down to; when I fail at the goals because of stupid choices or laziness or fear, I fail myself. And I want better. I need to know that, in the dark night of the soul when it is just me and my thoughts, that I can honestly say I did the best I could. And the things on the resolution list I want bad. It is almost like a power has come over me, a fervor if you will, to not slip, to not let the precarious little bit of progress I have made fall by the wayside because of giving up.
This morning was a big morning for me regarding my fitness goals. I weighed myself, and I am the lowest I can ever remember being. It is only by half a pound, but I have never seen that digit reflected back at me. And so I can also officially say that I am 29 pounds away from what I want to try and be. I don't know if I have ever been in the 20's before, and it feels great. I am finally starting to see the potential my body has to be fit, strong, and incredibly beautiful, flaws and all. Don't they say that imperfections make things more beautiful? I am grateful for my stretchmarks; they are a wonderful reminder for me of where I was, how far I have come from that point, and also to remind me how much I never want to be there again. I keep saying I get this "new feeling", a deeper desire to lose weight. And each time I say it, it is true. But as I now venture into completely unknown territory, the emotions I feel, the changes I see, are creating in me even more of a desire to be truly healthy, to live the life I want to have, and to not let anything pass me by. Carpe Diem. Leap, and the net will appear.