Addiction
Those of you who know me know how, in many ways, I have walked the straight and narrow in my life. I mean this in regards to addictions: I have never tried cigarettes, never tried any form of illegal drug (including marijuana), I rarely drink, and I have had a conservative sex life. but we all have our addictions in one form or another, and mine is with food.
I come from a family of dysfunctional eaters, which adds to the challenge when you are surrounded by various bad habits. And something else hard is when those habits are formed from a very young age. I had the worst eating habits as a child. I'm talking bad- like I would only eat croutons and spaghetti-o's bad. I never learned how to eat healthy, and I have vivid memories of being forced to stay in my chair to eat my green beans, a cooking timer slowly ticking down the seconds until my punishment was dealt for not eating them. This is what I'm dealing with now, these repercussions.
I recall a blog entry from a good friend who also struggles with food. She has made similar lifestyle choices to me, and was wondering if her eating struggles were her own personal form of rebellion, since she never got on the drinking-sex-drugs bandwagon. I thought about that for me, if this is some way of pushing against the discipline and parental control from my mom and dad growing up. But I don't think it is. For me it is about a lifetime of repeated habits coming up to bite me in the ass. I never had to work hard for anything. My parents handed me everything on a silver platter, I was smart enough in school to coast by, in band I never practiced and was always first chair. Yeah, I was that girl. But because of never needing to truly work for something, I remained average at everything. My grades were at a B level with the occasional A and C. When it came time for proper music challenges, I fell short because I had never formed the discipline to practice, truly practice, until I got it right. I continued to coast by. Which is why I am still doing that to this day.
I don't think I mentioned this, but i am keeping a detailed journal as I work to get these last 30 pounds off, because I truly believe that whatever is holding me back in this area are the same things that are holding me back in others. I'm having to re-train myself to be disciplined, to work hard in order to succeed at something worth working for. What does this have to do with addictions? My one true addiction is standing in the path of my one true weakness, discipline. And it's killing me.
Have you ever wanted something so bad and you knew the only thing standing in your way was yourself? Oh, and that Kilimanjaro-sized obstacle you have never defeated...Yeah, I'm there.
I come from a family of dysfunctional eaters, which adds to the challenge when you are surrounded by various bad habits. And something else hard is when those habits are formed from a very young age. I had the worst eating habits as a child. I'm talking bad- like I would only eat croutons and spaghetti-o's bad. I never learned how to eat healthy, and I have vivid memories of being forced to stay in my chair to eat my green beans, a cooking timer slowly ticking down the seconds until my punishment was dealt for not eating them. This is what I'm dealing with now, these repercussions.
I recall a blog entry from a good friend who also struggles with food. She has made similar lifestyle choices to me, and was wondering if her eating struggles were her own personal form of rebellion, since she never got on the drinking-sex-drugs bandwagon. I thought about that for me, if this is some way of pushing against the discipline and parental control from my mom and dad growing up. But I don't think it is. For me it is about a lifetime of repeated habits coming up to bite me in the ass. I never had to work hard for anything. My parents handed me everything on a silver platter, I was smart enough in school to coast by, in band I never practiced and was always first chair. Yeah, I was that girl. But because of never needing to truly work for something, I remained average at everything. My grades were at a B level with the occasional A and C. When it came time for proper music challenges, I fell short because I had never formed the discipline to practice, truly practice, until I got it right. I continued to coast by. Which is why I am still doing that to this day.
I don't think I mentioned this, but i am keeping a detailed journal as I work to get these last 30 pounds off, because I truly believe that whatever is holding me back in this area are the same things that are holding me back in others. I'm having to re-train myself to be disciplined, to work hard in order to succeed at something worth working for. What does this have to do with addictions? My one true addiction is standing in the path of my one true weakness, discipline. And it's killing me.
Have you ever wanted something so bad and you knew the only thing standing in your way was yourself? Oh, and that Kilimanjaro-sized obstacle you have never defeated...Yeah, I'm there.