Life Update
I should learn that as soon as I make absolutes I am going to break them. I am going to write a long-ish post today, because all the recent things in my life intertwined more than usual this week.
This past week was one of those weeks where I was so incredibly busy and never stopped, but got absolutely nothing accomplished. It was frustrating and a bit soul-destroying. Mid-week I was feeling pretty great, and then it all came crashing down this weekend, like it so often does for me. I swear, with the way my emotions swing it's like I'm not on any meds at all! But in actuality, all of this stuff is bubbling under the surface, and when the high from some small success wears off my good mood, the reality of things comes right back up.
Friday Night I was home alone and decided to be really creative and try taking pictures in the bath- with clothes on, of course. I was going for the look of a mermaid or something watery and ethereal. I also went a bit heavier and used up the last few shots with heavy black makeup smearing on my face to look a bit avant garde. I got the pictures back on Saturday. I was going for mermaid, and what I got was whale. I looked TERRIBLE. I looked like a bloated stuffed sausage floating down the river. And I wore a flesh-colored top, which was a really bad idea. I was able to salvage two of them, one because the angle was from above, the other because my head was close to the camera, and I was able to crop in and make me look smaller than I am (but I still look a bit bloated!).
I am okay with these two, but the other ones, especially where my head is the furthest thing from the camera, are really really bad. So how did I make myself feel better? I ate crap of course. Makes no sense at all. But I put the two pounds I lost last week back on. Luckily this morning I was back down, but this weekend I really just felt awful.
To add to that, last night I hung out with my awesome, incredibly intelligent photography friend. And every time I am with him I learn something; literally every single time. I love talking photography with him, as his brain is wired so completely differently from mine that it is nice to discuss things I can't wrap my brain around. He usually gets it and helps me out. But for some reason last night, on the way home, I just felt like rubbish. There are just some things with that art form that I struggle with, and it is so frustrating to me because my pictures are suffering for it. 5 of his pictures have been featured in this group on Flickr, which selects the pics randomly from everyone's photostreams, but is based on interestingness. Granted, not all the time are there great pics in this group, but his were fantastic and absolutely deserved to be chosen. None of mine have, and I can feel the weakness in my art which prevents me from being considered (again, it is randomly chosen, but it is based on interestingness) . I know how to take it to the next level, but it is entering into concepts that I struggle to grasp, which would require learning and re-teaching myself over and over until I got it. Argh, I get so frustrated with my brain sometimes. It makes me feel like a failure, an amateur taking crap photos. To add fuel to the fire, I really think I would excel leaps and bounds if I could get the fancy digital camera I want, as I can experiment and not waste money developing film that I come to see is all rubbish. But I am broke, can barely afford my cellphone bill some months, and the camera is four thousand dollars. And the camera shop still hasn't called, even after I went in and talked to someone on Friday (they said they were still interested, so that's good I guess!).
Then, on top of that, I have not written at all. I cannot even begin to explain to anyone the constant internal turmoil I struggle with on a continuous basis. I beat myself up constantly. Which in a way also makes it hard some days to write, because I feel bad, so I want to do something else to medicate, like food or shopping. But- and have you ever experienced this?- the only thing that really makes me feel better is the writing itself. Even doing this blog today is like a soothing balm on my parched, yearning writing heart. I am so happy that today is the only day I work this week at Borders; I really need to get on this, and fast. I am wasting my life.
So, all of the things I am working on and which, at varying times bring me much joy, all didn't work this week, especially this past weekend, and I really felt like crap last night.
But there is a glimmer of hope in all of this. Today, instead of not getting out of bed, which I was sorely tempted to do, I went to the gym first thing. And I pushed myself harder than I ever have. I did upper body weights and cardio, and on both of them I still had a bit left over, even after I went further. And I am working tonight, but in between customers I am going to be jotting down notes on my book, because I am trying a new way to organize tomorrow, and the notes will help me get it all straight. As for the photography thing, well, I have to edit some pics that I took for some friends this weekend. They aren't as good as I would have liked, but I think I can salvage them and tweak them to make them good. I will post a few of my favs on flickr to push my portraits back so I don't have to look at them on my opening page every time I go there. They aren't bad... but I know there is better in me, in all aspects. So it is time for me to pick up the pieces and continue on, or get off the wagon, because, I don't know about you, but I am SICK to DEATH of all my wimpy-whining! I promise I'll do better. But I want to use this blog as an account of all aspects of me, including the sad parts.
This past week was one of those weeks where I was so incredibly busy and never stopped, but got absolutely nothing accomplished. It was frustrating and a bit soul-destroying. Mid-week I was feeling pretty great, and then it all came crashing down this weekend, like it so often does for me. I swear, with the way my emotions swing it's like I'm not on any meds at all! But in actuality, all of this stuff is bubbling under the surface, and when the high from some small success wears off my good mood, the reality of things comes right back up.
Friday Night I was home alone and decided to be really creative and try taking pictures in the bath- with clothes on, of course. I was going for the look of a mermaid or something watery and ethereal. I also went a bit heavier and used up the last few shots with heavy black makeup smearing on my face to look a bit avant garde. I got the pictures back on Saturday. I was going for mermaid, and what I got was whale. I looked TERRIBLE. I looked like a bloated stuffed sausage floating down the river. And I wore a flesh-colored top, which was a really bad idea. I was able to salvage two of them, one because the angle was from above, the other because my head was close to the camera, and I was able to crop in and make me look smaller than I am (but I still look a bit bloated!).
I am okay with these two, but the other ones, especially where my head is the furthest thing from the camera, are really really bad. So how did I make myself feel better? I ate crap of course. Makes no sense at all. But I put the two pounds I lost last week back on. Luckily this morning I was back down, but this weekend I really just felt awful.
To add to that, last night I hung out with my awesome, incredibly intelligent photography friend. And every time I am with him I learn something; literally every single time. I love talking photography with him, as his brain is wired so completely differently from mine that it is nice to discuss things I can't wrap my brain around. He usually gets it and helps me out. But for some reason last night, on the way home, I just felt like rubbish. There are just some things with that art form that I struggle with, and it is so frustrating to me because my pictures are suffering for it. 5 of his pictures have been featured in this group on Flickr, which selects the pics randomly from everyone's photostreams, but is based on interestingness. Granted, not all the time are there great pics in this group, but his were fantastic and absolutely deserved to be chosen. None of mine have, and I can feel the weakness in my art which prevents me from being considered (again, it is randomly chosen, but it is based on interestingness) . I know how to take it to the next level, but it is entering into concepts that I struggle to grasp, which would require learning and re-teaching myself over and over until I got it. Argh, I get so frustrated with my brain sometimes. It makes me feel like a failure, an amateur taking crap photos. To add fuel to the fire, I really think I would excel leaps and bounds if I could get the fancy digital camera I want, as I can experiment and not waste money developing film that I come to see is all rubbish. But I am broke, can barely afford my cellphone bill some months, and the camera is four thousand dollars. And the camera shop still hasn't called, even after I went in and talked to someone on Friday (they said they were still interested, so that's good I guess!).
Then, on top of that, I have not written at all. I cannot even begin to explain to anyone the constant internal turmoil I struggle with on a continuous basis. I beat myself up constantly. Which in a way also makes it hard some days to write, because I feel bad, so I want to do something else to medicate, like food or shopping. But- and have you ever experienced this?- the only thing that really makes me feel better is the writing itself. Even doing this blog today is like a soothing balm on my parched, yearning writing heart. I am so happy that today is the only day I work this week at Borders; I really need to get on this, and fast. I am wasting my life.
So, all of the things I am working on and which, at varying times bring me much joy, all didn't work this week, especially this past weekend, and I really felt like crap last night.
But there is a glimmer of hope in all of this. Today, instead of not getting out of bed, which I was sorely tempted to do, I went to the gym first thing. And I pushed myself harder than I ever have. I did upper body weights and cardio, and on both of them I still had a bit left over, even after I went further. And I am working tonight, but in between customers I am going to be jotting down notes on my book, because I am trying a new way to organize tomorrow, and the notes will help me get it all straight. As for the photography thing, well, I have to edit some pics that I took for some friends this weekend. They aren't as good as I would have liked, but I think I can salvage them and tweak them to make them good. I will post a few of my favs on flickr to push my portraits back so I don't have to look at them on my opening page every time I go there. They aren't bad... but I know there is better in me, in all aspects. So it is time for me to pick up the pieces and continue on, or get off the wagon, because, I don't know about you, but I am SICK to DEATH of all my wimpy-whining! I promise I'll do better. But I want to use this blog as an account of all aspects of me, including the sad parts.