Losing myself
For the last three days my stomach has been hurting constantly. Eating eases the pain, but only so much. Damn it
Three days ago it was another CS2 session that led to insane pain and inflammation in my neck muscles. Could barely relax. Slept 4 hours. The next day I slept for nine, which was OK but not great, but I didn't want to sleep any more to get back to a semi-normal sleep schedule. Yesterday I just couldn't fall sleep. I went to bed at 3:30am, realized at 5:50am that I hated lying still on the bed, turned on the phone, browsed some websites, and probably fell asleep around 10:00, only to wake up at 2:30pm. Damn.
Today Daria suddenly wrote to me on WhatsApp: "Let's postpone everything". My heart sank. I didn't ask why, instead we talked about clothes and I complimented her on how nice she looked and dressed. I asked her if she still wanted to see me and she said yes. Anyway, after the conversation, I was in total despair and decided it was all for naught. It would never happen. Emotions took over: "Nobody needs you, you're worthless, maybe I should just die. I used logic for a second and realized that she'd refused only once, before we met in Turkey, and that was when I hesitated too much about whether or not to buy tickets to the country. She was angry and sounded frustrated.
I have to go for a walk or I won't be able to sleep again. Fuck.
I think about Maria almost every time I go to bed. I imagine her asleep in my other room. I imagine that she is back. It's stupid, pathetic, illogical and selfish: she's happy where she is, otherwise she would at least have written to me, "A" (my name). Say my name, say my name, say my name! A phrase from the film Business for Pleasure, 1997. Back when I was young I admired it.
Three days ago it was another CS2 session that led to insane pain and inflammation in my neck muscles. Could barely relax. Slept 4 hours. The next day I slept for nine, which was OK but not great, but I didn't want to sleep any more to get back to a semi-normal sleep schedule. Yesterday I just couldn't fall sleep. I went to bed at 3:30am, realized at 5:50am that I hated lying still on the bed, turned on the phone, browsed some websites, and probably fell asleep around 10:00, only to wake up at 2:30pm. Damn.
Today Daria suddenly wrote to me on WhatsApp: "Let's postpone everything". My heart sank. I didn't ask why, instead we talked about clothes and I complimented her on how nice she looked and dressed. I asked her if she still wanted to see me and she said yes. Anyway, after the conversation, I was in total despair and decided it was all for naught. It would never happen. Emotions took over: "Nobody needs you, you're worthless, maybe I should just die. I used logic for a second and realized that she'd refused only once, before we met in Turkey, and that was when I hesitated too much about whether or not to buy tickets to the country. She was angry and sounded frustrated.
I have to go for a walk or I won't be able to sleep again. Fuck.
I think about Maria almost every time I go to bed. I imagine her asleep in my other room. I imagine that she is back. It's stupid, pathetic, illogical and selfish: she's happy where she is, otherwise she would at least have written to me, "A" (my name). Say my name, say my name, say my name! A phrase from the film Business for Pleasure, 1997. Back when I was young I admired it.