I'M POSTING ON LJ WHAT?!
I don't know why I'm posting. I really don't. I don't have anything to say at the moment... but I feel as if I need to say something.
Very observant and slightly stalkerish people will notice that some of my past entries are no longer marked as friends only. Along with changing this, I went through to see what I wanted to delete.. and I only deleted one entry today. I'm feeling less paranoid that what I write down and post will eventually be used against me. The feeling's still there, though.
So, as per usual when writing on here, right now I should be doing school-related things. I have a biomolecules midterm on Monday, which sounds just as bad as it will be. I absolutely need to study for it, but instead I will ramble on this for a bit. Normally I am a bit more studious, and I do tend to get things done... but I do believe I'll make an exception at this point.
It's funny how I can write all this and yet say nothing meaningful. I wonder how many people go through life like this... saying a whole not but never actually saying anything important. I think I might go through life like this. It's a little sad, really.
I also wonder if, at the end of whatever the hell this is, I'll actually hit that "post to birdeatinspider" button... lol, okay, I'm not really wondering that. I'm in that rare mood where I have things to write about and (this is most important) I want people to read them. Most of the time I have things on my mind, I write about them, and then they get deleted because I don't want people to read it. Right now is not one of those times.
I think there are more people that I care about (and who I believe care about me, to different extents) in my life right now than there ever have been. Sure, most of them I don't see or talk to very often... but there's enough people close to me that I do interact with on a fairly regular basis. So many friends, so many people... so many individuals that really seem to enjoy the fact that I'm around, that really seem to like me and to care about me (like I said, to different extents). Basically, the quality and quantity of people in my life is the greatest it's ever been. And yet... I don't think I've ever felt so alone before. It's weird. The more people I become close to, the more people I know and love and care about... the more incredibly, absolutely alone I feel. And then, of course, because I feel so alone, I seek out more people in an attempt to feel less alone... but then that's more people, and I feel more alone. Has anyone ever heard of a situation where someone needed to be away from all people in order to feel less alone? Is that what I need to do?!
You'll notice comments are off. I started visualizing all the comments that people might leave, and while the thoughts are appreciated I don't feel like getting comments on this. I know people care about me, I know I have no real reason to feel this way. I'm just in an emo mood, as everyone gets into at some point, and I feel like venting. I think the last time I really wanted to vent onto LJ, I pretty much said things like "man, I'm so upset, I just want to say why, but I can't, wah" and I never actually said what was on my mind. I always feel foolish for venting and complaining about negative emotions. I'll feel even more foolish if people start to talk to me about the foolish feelings. Just knowing people may read this, and probably will, is good enough.
Oh, another reason to be sad: everyone is moving away. Deena's moving in September, and as that's not immediate I don't feel as sad about this as I will in the future. Also, she's going to a province with lots of Asians in order to learn about things she enjoys... so I'm really happy for her. That happiness is mainly what I feel at this point. I know that when she leaves I'll feel pretty lost, though. I know I felt lost and a bit hateful for practically a year after we went from seeing each other every day to her having a boyfriend and us not going to school together anymore (or we were but we weren't really seeing each other that often... I forget the exact circumstances now). Actually, I don't know if I ever told her that (I'm sure you'll read this; did I ever tell you about that?! lol)
My coworker and dear friend Shelley is also leaving me. I just met her in June, but something about her causes me to word vomit all over the place... she knows so much about me in such a short period of time. I got really attached to her, and now she's moving to Sarnia at the end of the month. Work won't be the same without her.
Lol. I have problems. I keep trying to elaborate on this point but every time I do I hit the backspace button like mad because I don't feel my problems are major at all, not even a little bit, compared to problems other people have. This makes my problems unimportant, and makes me feel like a whiny retard for complaining about them. So I'll just say that constantly being obsessed with a person (though that person changes often) is rather draining.
Aww, I have a headache. On the plus side, I feel a bit better emotionally. Yay! I think I'm still going to post this. I see it getting deleted soon. They always get deleted :D