Sugar and Pepper (07)
Edited: 2012.07.21
SIX
* SEVEN *
01.
Satoshi woke up in the middle of the night and he was hungry, but he was afraid to forage for food downstairs. As he tried to go back to sleep, he also waited for the pangs of hunger in his stomach to subside. And he wondered.
Jun had obviously seen him that evening, but had said nothing about it at home. Satoshi concluded that Jun no longer cared. But did that mean that his brother had actually cared before? Probably not. Yet whatever the truth was, it still hurt him. It was his own fault for wanting to believe that Jun was different.
Satoshi curled his knees against his chest because his hunger would not go away, and he told himself that he deserved all of this. Because growing up he had realized that his life was only a burden to the people around him.
02.
In the morning, the sun had barely been up a few hours, but the Matsumoto household was already bustling with activity.
Jun finished washing and returned to his room to dress. In the hall, he could hear his mother downstairs in the kitchen. His father must be at the table having his breakfast before work. It would've been a normal morning except that his older brother was here.
In their room while Jun pulled on his uniform, he refrained from looking at the older boy who was still asleep. Ever since their little fight, Jun had forced himself to stop caring about what the other boy did, but yesterday's event had started him wondering again. Maybe he was right. Maybe Satoshi really wanted something from him. Something that the older boy didn't even know.
Jun's heart had skipped a beat when he saw his brother behind the fence. That confusing feeling had stopped him from confronting his brother yesterday.
His eyes moved on its own to the sleeping form across the room. The peaceful look on Satoshi's face caused Jun to pause. He stood there frozen, one hand on his shirt's buttons, and wondered if it was worth it to forget this feeling.
03.
Once again in the music room, Kazunari had gotten into the habit of ignoring the dazed Satoshi. He no longer forced his senior to play along, if only because the upperclassman's depression ruined his mood as well. Instead, he sat on a desk playing on his DS while Satoshi sat at the window. They kept to themselves.
After a long silence, true to Kazunari's expectations, Satoshi spoke. "How's Jun?"
It was always the same question and Kazunari had gotten used to replying. He did not break a sweat as he answered, still half focused on his game, "Fine. As always."
As always.
Satoshi blinked at the bright sky. He didn’t know what kind of answer he really wanted to hear.
04.
Despite yesterday, Satoshi could not stop himself from stepping behind the fence after school. He sought out his brother among all the students on the field and watched as his brother deftly executed the drills. Jun jumped. Jun ran. Jun slid. Jun did everything he was supposed to do.
Jun ran to the back of the line to await his turn again. As he fought to catch his breath and brought up an arm to wipe his sweat, again his eyes roamed. And again he saw a lone figure in the distance behind the fence.
This time, Satoshi did not panic. He stared back at Jun. Time seemed to have stopped for a few seconds between them. Satoshi could hear his own pulse pounding in his ears, so loud that it drowned out all the other noises.
But when Jun would not look away, unwavering, heat climbed Satoshi's face and he lost his courage. Of their own will, his hands covered his face and he turned his back on his brother.
Satoshi stood there a moment, leaning back against the fence, and hoped that Jun had also turned away.
05.
During his walk home, he received an email from his father.
It contained the formal greeting, a rhetorical question asking how he was doing, and followed with the same old warning for him to be a good boy. His father told him, again, to not cause any trouble for the Matsumotos.
Satoshi did not answer the email. There was nothing in there that required a reply.
06.
That evening, he skipped dinner also. He did not feel like showing his face to anyone. Even though his mother expressed disappointment, he could not summon the energy to go downstairs.
When Jun came up later, Satoshi was already in bed with the covers thrown over his head.
"It's not that I particularly care," Jun said into the stillness of their room, "but you should stop being such an asshole."
As usual, Jun received no response.
Jun figured he didn't give a shit. He'd let his brother fuck up all he want. He went to the bathroom to wash up. Satoshi always annoyed him, always confused him. He should've known that today would be no different.
But when the lights were turned off that night and Jun crawled into bed, he lay in the dimness and thought he heard a noise from the bump that was his brother under the blanket. Finally, it was a sign of life. Jun kept very still and strained his ears to listen.
At that moment, he recognized the sounds. Jun's chest knotted.
Under his blankets, Satoshi curled up tighter because he was hungry and his tears wouldn't stop. He tried to stifle his sobs, and this time, he hoped Jun couldn't hear.
* *
EIGHT