Sugar and Pepper (36)
THIRTY-FIVE
* THIRTY-SIX *
01.
At dinner that night, Mrs. Matsumoto started the conversation with a brief overview of her day before she turned the subject towards the problem she'd been internalizing. "Your father called," she said to Satoshi. "He told me you're leaving the day after tomorrow."
Across Satoshi, Jun dropped his spoon.
Their mother continued, "Your flight's early in the morning and he'll definitely blame me if you miss it. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Slowly, his chopsticks quivering in his hands as he tried not to catch Jun's questioning eyes, Satoshi placed his eating utensil and bowl on the dinner table. He gazed at his food guiltily. "I'm sorry."
Mrs. Matsumoto wouldn't be appeased that easily. "Why do I always have to hear everything from your father? I wish you could tell me these things."
Satoshi hung his head. He couldn't tell her that he would never be able to do that.
His mother sighed heavily, weary.
Mr. Matsumoto spoke up and said kindly, "Next time, try to tell us. Your mother and I will always listen to you. We have your best interests at heart."
Mrs. Matsumoto relaxed in her chair. She agreed with her husband. "Have you packed?" she asked. "You'll be gone for a week and you need to make sure you have everything."
Satoshi shook his head. Packing discreetly had been impossible for him, especially that he had told no one.
Jun instantly shot up from the table. Caught off guard, everyone stared as he ran from the kitchen and up the stairs.
"Are you done?" Mrs. Matsumoto called after him as she looked at his leftovers.
"I'm done," Satoshi immediately broke in and he stood and followed Jun up the stairs.
02.
As he suspected, Jun was in their room. Instead of diving under the covers as Satoshi would have done, Jun stood in the middle of the room waiting for a confrontation. He knew Satoshi would follow.
His heart pounding against his chest, Satoshi closed the door behind him and faced his angry, fuming brother. He couldn't meet Jun's glare and stared at his chin.
"You're leaving," Jun said, his voice crackling with fury.
"Only for a week."
"You're leaving," Jun repeated.
"I'm coming back, Jun," Satoshi implored, wishing with all his heart that his brother wouldn't be angry. He knew he was the one in the wrong; he didn't want to see the hurt bristling under Jun's temper.
Jun turned his back to Satoshi and stared at the white wall. "Were you ever going to tell me?"
"Yes."
"No," Jun said, refusing to believe him. "I would've woke up to find you gone. Just like that."
"Jun," Satoshi said desperately, wanting Jun to understand how hard it had been for him, but unable to explain himself. He took a tentative step towards his brother.
As if he knew and refused to be moved, Jun swiveled around and grabbed his jacket. He left the room. Moments later, through the open bedroom door Satoshi heard his mother downstairs ask Jun where he was headed. Jun did not answer. He left the house.
In the past, Satoshi would not have chased him. He would have stayed in their bedroom stewing in his own misery and hating himself. But now, it was not enough to stay still. Now, he had someone he cared for and something precious he wanted to protect. He couldn't lose Jun.
Frantically, Satoshi pulled on a sweater and ran out the house, much to his parents' surprise.
In the late autumn night, darkness had already descended. The air was chilly and penetrated through Satoshi's sweater. He shivered, but ignored the cold. His eyes searched the immediate area. Jun was already gone.
03.
Where would his brother go? He didn't know. He didn't know anything about his brother. In frustration at his own ineptitude, he felt on the verge of screaming into the dark night. Satoshi had no idea where he could find Jun. He ran around the neighborhood uncaring of the late time and how he was perceived by anyone who happened to look out their windows. He ran to the park where Jun had found him and to the lot where Jun and his friends often played catch. He went to Jun's favorite batting center. His brother was nowhere to be found.
Out of breath, Satoshi stopped to call Jun's mobile phone. He hoped Jun had remembered to take it with him on his way out. But even if Jun had taken his phone, he didn't pick up. Satoshi tried again and again in vain. What was he to do if Jun refused to speak to him? He understood the agony he had put his brother through months ago when he had evaded him by running away.
Satoshi walked through the path his brother and he had taken home just that day; the route they always took to school.
Just hours ago, he had decided he had nothing to worry about. He had thought that it was impossible to separate Jun and him even if they were in different parts of the world. At that moment, he realized physical distance wasn't the problem.
Why was he so stupid? Why, when he took one step forward, did he always take two steps back? Why did he never learn from his mistakes?
He was too damn stupid. Why did he hurt Jun?
Breathing heavily, Satoshi crouched beside an empty bus stop and breathed cold air into his cupped hands.
04.
In a perfect world, Jun and he would not be brothers. They would have perfect, normal and happy families; families with no connections at all. They would meet romantically like a dream and fall in love. Their romance would follow a perfect love story.
In a perfect world, Jun and he would be best friends. They would fall in love with other girls. They would be each other's best man when the other married. They would laugh and joke and drink together while complaining about life.
In a perfect world that did not exist, Satoshi and Jun would be brothers and nothing more. They would care about the other as members of a family, and nothing more. Their relationship would be steady and uneventful.
But in his disjointed reality, to Satoshi Jun made up his perfect world and he didn't need more. So if he destroyed that golden globe of perfection that held him and Jun together, what must he do to keep the pieces together? How could he keep Jun at his side forever?
Satoshi agonized over the question that he found no answers to.
05.
It took him another hour. He stumbled onto Jun by the riverbank on accident. He only barely caught his brother's shadow against the backdrop of the dark river. Far from the nearest street lamp, Jun sat with his knees raised against his chest staring into the distant water.
Catching his breath, Satoshi approached him from behind then stopped abruptly by his side. Silence wrapped around them. The trickle of the calm river fell in between them. After long minutes stretched on, Satoshi finally sat beside his brother.
Jun shifted. He spoke, his voice low and barely audible. Their time apart had dissolved the anger from his being, although the underlying pain remained. "I can't help that I feel lonely sometimes," he murmured. He swallowed and blew into his freezing hands. "I care too much. Sometimes, I am afraid. I keep thinking that this won't last. It won't last. I told you this once, but you didn't listen."
"Jun," Satoshi called him, drinking in his fears and understanding his words completely.
His eyes on the ground, Jun asked, "Were you ever going to tell me?"
"I would've tried," Satoshi answered truthfully.
"What else don't I know? What else do you have to tell me?"
Similarly, Satoshi's eyes traveled to the ground. He wanted to say it bravely. He knew he should have tried to look Jun directly in the face and say it, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to witness the devastation that his news would bring. At the ground, he mumbled, "I'm going to study abroad. I'm leaving in the spring. That's what my father wants."
Jun laughed, but his laughter was forced and mirthless. The hollow sound echoed his pain. It snaked around Satoshi's heart and crushed him. He knew without a doubt that he was the one who hurt Jun.
Immediately, Jun's hands flew to cover his eyes. "You've already decided. I didn't even know. Were you ever going to tell me?"
Satoshi did not have an answer.
Again, Jun forced out laughter. His hands remained over his eyes. "I keep running, but I never reach you, Satoshi."
Vehemently, Satoshi shook his head as if his younger brother could see. "That's not true," he denied.
Pretending he hadn't heard, Jun continued. "You always leave me," he said, his voice strangely hoarse.
Desperately, in an attempt to reach his brother, Satoshi moved closer to Jun's side. "You said we'd be together always," he reminded him imploringly. "Always and always. Jun, you said it didn't matter where we were."
Jun shook his head. "How can I be sure? It's like you're going away forever." Into his hands, he said, "I can't do this anymore."
The chill in the air seemed to turn frozen cold. Satoshi fought to breathe. "What do you mean?" he choked out.
Jun shook his head again, stronger, fighting with the conflicts in his mind. "Sometimes, I feel so selfish, like I'm only doing this for myself. Like I'm pushing you and it's only because I keep pushing that you go along. It's only me who likes you so much."
It was Satoshi's turn to shake his head in denial. Jun thought wrong.
But Jun went on without heeding him. "It may be a good thing you're leaving. I don't want to see you for a while."
"Jun!" Satoshi unexpectedly raised his voice. He shifted to his knees next to his brother and gripped his brother's sleeve. "You're wrong."
Jun pried himself away. He covered his ears and clenched shut his eyes. "I wish I was older. I wish I could stop you. But if you're going anyway, then just go. Go away. Go!"
A long time ago, Satoshi had realized that he couldn't live without his brother; he needed Jun, he couldn't lose him. But Jun had had enough; he couldn't understand. What could he do to make Jun understand? Satoshi didn't know. He knew nothing. Unconsciously, tears rolled down his eyes; his vision blurred. He clutched at the front of his shirt as cries burst from his lips because Jun had pulled away and he was afraid to touch him again.
Even as choking sobs wracked Satoshi's body, Jun pressed harder against his ears to stamp out the noise and rocked back and forth biting his lips.
They were just centimeters away from each other, but a wall had been erected between them.
06.
Early in the morning, Satoshi shuffled into their house alone. Mr. Matsumoto who had been dozing on the couch waiting for him started at the noise of their footsteps. He saw Satoshi, eyes swollen and glazed, moving to the stairs.
"Where did you go?" he asked, effectively making him stop to listen. "Your mother and I were worried. Jun called from his friend's house a while ago, but we didn't hear anything from you."
Satoshi bowed his head, but said nothing. Jun had left him late last night and he had not known where his brother had gone. Despite everything, he felt relieved to know Jun was somewhere safe.
"Be more thoughtful of your mother and I," Mr. Matsumoto reprimanded.
Satoshi nodded slightly, and only that.
Knowing that he'd get no more from his older son, Mr. Matsumoto again took note of his fatigue and allowed him to pass. Gratefully, Satoshi ran up the stairs to his room.
Instead of the bed where he would feel the absence of his brother, Satoshi curled on the hard carpeted floor and thought of his regrets.
It was over.
Jun loved him. Only Jun did.
His eyes stung and again he clutched at his chest as he cried hot scalding tears.
* *
THIRTY-SEVEN
* THIRTY-SIX *
01.
At dinner that night, Mrs. Matsumoto started the conversation with a brief overview of her day before she turned the subject towards the problem she'd been internalizing. "Your father called," she said to Satoshi. "He told me you're leaving the day after tomorrow."
Across Satoshi, Jun dropped his spoon.
Their mother continued, "Your flight's early in the morning and he'll definitely blame me if you miss it. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Slowly, his chopsticks quivering in his hands as he tried not to catch Jun's questioning eyes, Satoshi placed his eating utensil and bowl on the dinner table. He gazed at his food guiltily. "I'm sorry."
Mrs. Matsumoto wouldn't be appeased that easily. "Why do I always have to hear everything from your father? I wish you could tell me these things."
Satoshi hung his head. He couldn't tell her that he would never be able to do that.
His mother sighed heavily, weary.
Mr. Matsumoto spoke up and said kindly, "Next time, try to tell us. Your mother and I will always listen to you. We have your best interests at heart."
Mrs. Matsumoto relaxed in her chair. She agreed with her husband. "Have you packed?" she asked. "You'll be gone for a week and you need to make sure you have everything."
Satoshi shook his head. Packing discreetly had been impossible for him, especially that he had told no one.
Jun instantly shot up from the table. Caught off guard, everyone stared as he ran from the kitchen and up the stairs.
"Are you done?" Mrs. Matsumoto called after him as she looked at his leftovers.
"I'm done," Satoshi immediately broke in and he stood and followed Jun up the stairs.
02.
As he suspected, Jun was in their room. Instead of diving under the covers as Satoshi would have done, Jun stood in the middle of the room waiting for a confrontation. He knew Satoshi would follow.
His heart pounding against his chest, Satoshi closed the door behind him and faced his angry, fuming brother. He couldn't meet Jun's glare and stared at his chin.
"You're leaving," Jun said, his voice crackling with fury.
"Only for a week."
"You're leaving," Jun repeated.
"I'm coming back, Jun," Satoshi implored, wishing with all his heart that his brother wouldn't be angry. He knew he was the one in the wrong; he didn't want to see the hurt bristling under Jun's temper.
Jun turned his back to Satoshi and stared at the white wall. "Were you ever going to tell me?"
"Yes."
"No," Jun said, refusing to believe him. "I would've woke up to find you gone. Just like that."
"Jun," Satoshi said desperately, wanting Jun to understand how hard it had been for him, but unable to explain himself. He took a tentative step towards his brother.
As if he knew and refused to be moved, Jun swiveled around and grabbed his jacket. He left the room. Moments later, through the open bedroom door Satoshi heard his mother downstairs ask Jun where he was headed. Jun did not answer. He left the house.
In the past, Satoshi would not have chased him. He would have stayed in their bedroom stewing in his own misery and hating himself. But now, it was not enough to stay still. Now, he had someone he cared for and something precious he wanted to protect. He couldn't lose Jun.
Frantically, Satoshi pulled on a sweater and ran out the house, much to his parents' surprise.
In the late autumn night, darkness had already descended. The air was chilly and penetrated through Satoshi's sweater. He shivered, but ignored the cold. His eyes searched the immediate area. Jun was already gone.
03.
Where would his brother go? He didn't know. He didn't know anything about his brother. In frustration at his own ineptitude, he felt on the verge of screaming into the dark night. Satoshi had no idea where he could find Jun. He ran around the neighborhood uncaring of the late time and how he was perceived by anyone who happened to look out their windows. He ran to the park where Jun had found him and to the lot where Jun and his friends often played catch. He went to Jun's favorite batting center. His brother was nowhere to be found.
Out of breath, Satoshi stopped to call Jun's mobile phone. He hoped Jun had remembered to take it with him on his way out. But even if Jun had taken his phone, he didn't pick up. Satoshi tried again and again in vain. What was he to do if Jun refused to speak to him? He understood the agony he had put his brother through months ago when he had evaded him by running away.
Satoshi walked through the path his brother and he had taken home just that day; the route they always took to school.
Just hours ago, he had decided he had nothing to worry about. He had thought that it was impossible to separate Jun and him even if they were in different parts of the world. At that moment, he realized physical distance wasn't the problem.
Why was he so stupid? Why, when he took one step forward, did he always take two steps back? Why did he never learn from his mistakes?
He was too damn stupid. Why did he hurt Jun?
Breathing heavily, Satoshi crouched beside an empty bus stop and breathed cold air into his cupped hands.
04.
In a perfect world, Jun and he would not be brothers. They would have perfect, normal and happy families; families with no connections at all. They would meet romantically like a dream and fall in love. Their romance would follow a perfect love story.
In a perfect world, Jun and he would be best friends. They would fall in love with other girls. They would be each other's best man when the other married. They would laugh and joke and drink together while complaining about life.
In a perfect world that did not exist, Satoshi and Jun would be brothers and nothing more. They would care about the other as members of a family, and nothing more. Their relationship would be steady and uneventful.
But in his disjointed reality, to Satoshi Jun made up his perfect world and he didn't need more. So if he destroyed that golden globe of perfection that held him and Jun together, what must he do to keep the pieces together? How could he keep Jun at his side forever?
Satoshi agonized over the question that he found no answers to.
05.
It took him another hour. He stumbled onto Jun by the riverbank on accident. He only barely caught his brother's shadow against the backdrop of the dark river. Far from the nearest street lamp, Jun sat with his knees raised against his chest staring into the distant water.
Catching his breath, Satoshi approached him from behind then stopped abruptly by his side. Silence wrapped around them. The trickle of the calm river fell in between them. After long minutes stretched on, Satoshi finally sat beside his brother.
Jun shifted. He spoke, his voice low and barely audible. Their time apart had dissolved the anger from his being, although the underlying pain remained. "I can't help that I feel lonely sometimes," he murmured. He swallowed and blew into his freezing hands. "I care too much. Sometimes, I am afraid. I keep thinking that this won't last. It won't last. I told you this once, but you didn't listen."
"Jun," Satoshi called him, drinking in his fears and understanding his words completely.
His eyes on the ground, Jun asked, "Were you ever going to tell me?"
"I would've tried," Satoshi answered truthfully.
"What else don't I know? What else do you have to tell me?"
Similarly, Satoshi's eyes traveled to the ground. He wanted to say it bravely. He knew he should have tried to look Jun directly in the face and say it, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to witness the devastation that his news would bring. At the ground, he mumbled, "I'm going to study abroad. I'm leaving in the spring. That's what my father wants."
Jun laughed, but his laughter was forced and mirthless. The hollow sound echoed his pain. It snaked around Satoshi's heart and crushed him. He knew without a doubt that he was the one who hurt Jun.
Immediately, Jun's hands flew to cover his eyes. "You've already decided. I didn't even know. Were you ever going to tell me?"
Satoshi did not have an answer.
Again, Jun forced out laughter. His hands remained over his eyes. "I keep running, but I never reach you, Satoshi."
Vehemently, Satoshi shook his head as if his younger brother could see. "That's not true," he denied.
Pretending he hadn't heard, Jun continued. "You always leave me," he said, his voice strangely hoarse.
Desperately, in an attempt to reach his brother, Satoshi moved closer to Jun's side. "You said we'd be together always," he reminded him imploringly. "Always and always. Jun, you said it didn't matter where we were."
Jun shook his head. "How can I be sure? It's like you're going away forever." Into his hands, he said, "I can't do this anymore."
The chill in the air seemed to turn frozen cold. Satoshi fought to breathe. "What do you mean?" he choked out.
Jun shook his head again, stronger, fighting with the conflicts in his mind. "Sometimes, I feel so selfish, like I'm only doing this for myself. Like I'm pushing you and it's only because I keep pushing that you go along. It's only me who likes you so much."
It was Satoshi's turn to shake his head in denial. Jun thought wrong.
But Jun went on without heeding him. "It may be a good thing you're leaving. I don't want to see you for a while."
"Jun!" Satoshi unexpectedly raised his voice. He shifted to his knees next to his brother and gripped his brother's sleeve. "You're wrong."
Jun pried himself away. He covered his ears and clenched shut his eyes. "I wish I was older. I wish I could stop you. But if you're going anyway, then just go. Go away. Go!"
A long time ago, Satoshi had realized that he couldn't live without his brother; he needed Jun, he couldn't lose him. But Jun had had enough; he couldn't understand. What could he do to make Jun understand? Satoshi didn't know. He knew nothing. Unconsciously, tears rolled down his eyes; his vision blurred. He clutched at the front of his shirt as cries burst from his lips because Jun had pulled away and he was afraid to touch him again.
Even as choking sobs wracked Satoshi's body, Jun pressed harder against his ears to stamp out the noise and rocked back and forth biting his lips.
They were just centimeters away from each other, but a wall had been erected between them.
06.
Early in the morning, Satoshi shuffled into their house alone. Mr. Matsumoto who had been dozing on the couch waiting for him started at the noise of their footsteps. He saw Satoshi, eyes swollen and glazed, moving to the stairs.
"Where did you go?" he asked, effectively making him stop to listen. "Your mother and I were worried. Jun called from his friend's house a while ago, but we didn't hear anything from you."
Satoshi bowed his head, but said nothing. Jun had left him late last night and he had not known where his brother had gone. Despite everything, he felt relieved to know Jun was somewhere safe.
"Be more thoughtful of your mother and I," Mr. Matsumoto reprimanded.
Satoshi nodded slightly, and only that.
Knowing that he'd get no more from his older son, Mr. Matsumoto again took note of his fatigue and allowed him to pass. Gratefully, Satoshi ran up the stairs to his room.
Instead of the bed where he would feel the absence of his brother, Satoshi curled on the hard carpeted floor and thought of his regrets.
It was over.
Jun loved him. Only Jun did.
His eyes stung and again he clutched at his chest as he cried hot scalding tears.
* *
THIRTY-SEVEN