Sugar and Pepper (24)
TWENTY-THREE
* TWENTY-FOUR *
01.
It was during his second year in middle school that he dyed his hair. During that time, he only saw his mother once a month and only if he was lucky. After he graduated from grade school, she did not insist on seeing him anymore. But she had never insisted in the first place.
She only picked him up that day because his father had already been gone for two weeks on a business trip and had just learned that he had to extend his stay abroad a few more days, even though Satoshi had survived on his own the past two weeks alone.
Jun was the first member of his step-family to notice his hair. Jun, who was in his last year of grade school, had come home and watched Satoshi from a distance like he always did, as if Satoshi was an intruder he didn't want to be bothered with. He hadn't asked why Satoshi was there.
"Your dyed your hair," he said simply, and then he turned and climbed up to his room.
02.
In another hour, the sun would set. Satoshi knew he had to be getting home soon, but he couldn't force himself to leave. He lingered at the park nearest to his neighborhood and sat on the slide.
He recalled Jun leaning in and pressing the boy and his lips together. The scene played in Satoshi's head over and over again. He curled in his legs tighter to his chest and snuggled against the side of the slide. He closed his eyes and wanted to sleep so he could forget everything.
You're wrong, he told Kazunari in his head. His feelings couldn't be the same as Kazunari's for Sho.
03.
He was not supposed to have any special memories of Jun because he hadn't cared back then. Jun had just been another person who didn't care about him, too. There had been no memories to cherish.
But he did recall, finally, the slither of hope he had had as a child; a final moment of belief. On his tenth birthday he had run from his home to his mother's. He had entered through the gate and went up to the veranda. From the other side of the sliding glass doors, he saw his step-family at the table for dinner. They were warm, familiar, and happy. His mother had leaned over to wipe off a stain from Jun's chin.
At home, Satoshi's father had not yet returned. His nanny had left a long time ago after buying him a slice of cake for his lonely birthday.
Satoshi slid off the veranda and sat on the ground, turning his back on the scene that belonged to another world. He wanted to be Jun. He envied Jun. He hated Jun.
But not really. Because Jun had not done anything wrong.
It was him, Satoshi, who was the problem.
04.
His phone rang again and he let it ring. Another voice mail was recorded. Another email went to his messages. He left his phone untouched in his pocket.
It beeped to notify him that he was running out of batteries. Soon, his phone would be dead. Useless.
Satoshi wrapped his arms tighter around himself and allowed drowsiness to overcome him.
05.
"She told me to give you this," Jun had said, showing him a lunch box. It was the first time Jun had approached him at school and it was the first time, of many more times later, that his mother had made him lunch for school.
Satoshi had not reached out to take the lunch. He just watched while Jun continued to offer it. Finally, Jun placed the box next to Satoshi. He did not say another word. He only turned and left the way he had come, as he also did many more times later.
It was the beginning of all the times that Satoshi couldn't remember because, back then, both of them hadn't mattered to each other.
06.
The slap of quick footsteps on pavement snapped him out of his dreams.
"Satoshi!" Jun called, running to him and catching his breath. He wiped the sweat from his brow and leaned over Satoshi who had fallen asleep on the slide.
Satoshi woke to shadows. The sun was almost gone from the horizon. Even if he had been able to sleep, his body ached from his position on the hard surface of the slide. He sat upright and turned his head up to look at Jun wearily.
"I looked all over for you," Jun started, his angry tone rising with each word. "Don't you know how worried I was? Why did you run!? Why didn't you come back home!? Or answer your phone!?"
I don't want to listen to you, Satoshi thought. His eyes shifted and he stared at the height of Jun's chest. He did not say anything.
Frustrated, Jun reached out and gripped Satoshi's upper right arm. Even then, Satoshi did not look up at him again. "Why are you doing this? What do you want?"
Nothing, Satoshi thought. He wanted to want nothing.
Again, his silence frustrated Jun. "Answer me!" he demanded. "Do you know how scared I was that you had run away again? I thought you wouldn't return this time!"
"No," Satoshi finally said. He did run, but he hadn't even thought of running from Jun. That was impossible.
"What can I do?" Jun pleaded. "Satoshi, what can I do to make you stay? Wasn't it you who left me? You're always leaving me. You can't leave."
Satoshi pulled himself out of Jun's harsh grip. He stepped off the slide and swayed on his feet. His legs were numb from his sleep. Jun reached out again to catch him, but Satoshi shied away from him and stumbled to the side. He preferred stumbling than letting Jun touch him again.
The distance between them froze many times over.
"You saw me kiss him," Jun murmured. Then he asked again, "Satoshi, why did you run?"
Satoshi stared at his feet. "Because I hate you," he said.
Jun felt as if his breath was knocked out of him. He gripped the front of his shirt in an attempt to control his raging emotions. He felt winded and lost.
"Because you have everything," Satoshi continued. "You have everything. Jun, you have everything. Everything. Everything." Jun had their mother, a loving father, and friends. Jun had a tight hold of Satoshi's senses. Satoshi reached out this time and he placed his hand over the hand Jun had over his heart. "Why," he asked, "do I have to catch my breath every time I see you?"
"We’re the same, you and I," Kazunari had said that night at the festival.
"It's not true," Satoshi told Jun, denying everything that he knew was true. "You're my half-brother." He pulled his hand away from Jun's and turned.
Jun watched, finally piecing together the gesture and his words, as Satoshi ran from him again.
* *
TWENTY-FIVE
* TWENTY-FOUR *
01.
It was during his second year in middle school that he dyed his hair. During that time, he only saw his mother once a month and only if he was lucky. After he graduated from grade school, she did not insist on seeing him anymore. But she had never insisted in the first place.
She only picked him up that day because his father had already been gone for two weeks on a business trip and had just learned that he had to extend his stay abroad a few more days, even though Satoshi had survived on his own the past two weeks alone.
Jun was the first member of his step-family to notice his hair. Jun, who was in his last year of grade school, had come home and watched Satoshi from a distance like he always did, as if Satoshi was an intruder he didn't want to be bothered with. He hadn't asked why Satoshi was there.
"Your dyed your hair," he said simply, and then he turned and climbed up to his room.
02.
In another hour, the sun would set. Satoshi knew he had to be getting home soon, but he couldn't force himself to leave. He lingered at the park nearest to his neighborhood and sat on the slide.
He recalled Jun leaning in and pressing the boy and his lips together. The scene played in Satoshi's head over and over again. He curled in his legs tighter to his chest and snuggled against the side of the slide. He closed his eyes and wanted to sleep so he could forget everything.
You're wrong, he told Kazunari in his head. His feelings couldn't be the same as Kazunari's for Sho.
03.
He was not supposed to have any special memories of Jun because he hadn't cared back then. Jun had just been another person who didn't care about him, too. There had been no memories to cherish.
But he did recall, finally, the slither of hope he had had as a child; a final moment of belief. On his tenth birthday he had run from his home to his mother's. He had entered through the gate and went up to the veranda. From the other side of the sliding glass doors, he saw his step-family at the table for dinner. They were warm, familiar, and happy. His mother had leaned over to wipe off a stain from Jun's chin.
At home, Satoshi's father had not yet returned. His nanny had left a long time ago after buying him a slice of cake for his lonely birthday.
Satoshi slid off the veranda and sat on the ground, turning his back on the scene that belonged to another world. He wanted to be Jun. He envied Jun. He hated Jun.
But not really. Because Jun had not done anything wrong.
It was him, Satoshi, who was the problem.
04.
His phone rang again and he let it ring. Another voice mail was recorded. Another email went to his messages. He left his phone untouched in his pocket.
It beeped to notify him that he was running out of batteries. Soon, his phone would be dead. Useless.
Satoshi wrapped his arms tighter around himself and allowed drowsiness to overcome him.
05.
"She told me to give you this," Jun had said, showing him a lunch box. It was the first time Jun had approached him at school and it was the first time, of many more times later, that his mother had made him lunch for school.
Satoshi had not reached out to take the lunch. He just watched while Jun continued to offer it. Finally, Jun placed the box next to Satoshi. He did not say another word. He only turned and left the way he had come, as he also did many more times later.
It was the beginning of all the times that Satoshi couldn't remember because, back then, both of them hadn't mattered to each other.
06.
The slap of quick footsteps on pavement snapped him out of his dreams.
"Satoshi!" Jun called, running to him and catching his breath. He wiped the sweat from his brow and leaned over Satoshi who had fallen asleep on the slide.
Satoshi woke to shadows. The sun was almost gone from the horizon. Even if he had been able to sleep, his body ached from his position on the hard surface of the slide. He sat upright and turned his head up to look at Jun wearily.
"I looked all over for you," Jun started, his angry tone rising with each word. "Don't you know how worried I was? Why did you run!? Why didn't you come back home!? Or answer your phone!?"
I don't want to listen to you, Satoshi thought. His eyes shifted and he stared at the height of Jun's chest. He did not say anything.
Frustrated, Jun reached out and gripped Satoshi's upper right arm. Even then, Satoshi did not look up at him again. "Why are you doing this? What do you want?"
Nothing, Satoshi thought. He wanted to want nothing.
Again, his silence frustrated Jun. "Answer me!" he demanded. "Do you know how scared I was that you had run away again? I thought you wouldn't return this time!"
"No," Satoshi finally said. He did run, but he hadn't even thought of running from Jun. That was impossible.
"What can I do?" Jun pleaded. "Satoshi, what can I do to make you stay? Wasn't it you who left me? You're always leaving me. You can't leave."
Satoshi pulled himself out of Jun's harsh grip. He stepped off the slide and swayed on his feet. His legs were numb from his sleep. Jun reached out again to catch him, but Satoshi shied away from him and stumbled to the side. He preferred stumbling than letting Jun touch him again.
The distance between them froze many times over.
"You saw me kiss him," Jun murmured. Then he asked again, "Satoshi, why did you run?"
Satoshi stared at his feet. "Because I hate you," he said.
Jun felt as if his breath was knocked out of him. He gripped the front of his shirt in an attempt to control his raging emotions. He felt winded and lost.
"Because you have everything," Satoshi continued. "You have everything. Jun, you have everything. Everything. Everything." Jun had their mother, a loving father, and friends. Jun had a tight hold of Satoshi's senses. Satoshi reached out this time and he placed his hand over the hand Jun had over his heart. "Why," he asked, "do I have to catch my breath every time I see you?"
"We’re the same, you and I," Kazunari had said that night at the festival.
"It's not true," Satoshi told Jun, denying everything that he knew was true. "You're my half-brother." He pulled his hand away from Jun's and turned.
Jun watched, finally piecing together the gesture and his words, as Satoshi ran from him again.
* *
TWENTY-FIVE