Update On Depression Recovery
You know , on New Year's Eve when i was breaking down in tears and very nearly checked out of Hotel Planet Earth, i had no idea that i was about to meet new people who i have become very fond of and regard as friends. Life is funny like that i guess. But i am very glad i somehow managed to pull myself back from the brink and decided to stay. Although i am much improved since that dark night, i have had a bit of a "dip" in recent weeks. Nothing to serious. But a dip nevertheless. I guess after having been depressed for so long such a recovery is never easy. But i think for now at least i have managed to get over the dip. However the depression wont ever go away, i just am able to get it more under control again. Last year was awful. I allowed it to take control of me. As the depression was threatening to take hold again . I was also thinkign yesterday as i sat at my desk at work, that my first real incident of depression hit me when i was oh around 17. I was doing my A Levels at the time. It does explain alot when i look back at why i messed up with the A levels. I know the cause of the depression back then. I was simply exhausted. I needed a break. I remember breaking down in tears when my Parents went out and i was not able to join them as i had revision to do. I wanted to join them on that walk. it was only for a few hours. I never told them of course my feelings. That was too well hidden from them. But this was my first real taste of depression, although in a very mild form of it i guess. Things steadily got worse after that. That is when the suicide thoughts started to occur. Since my Mother died, my thoughts have become much darker on that front 2005 was not a good year. And of course last year was terrible. This time last year i really was feeling quite dreadful. But again noone knew. I just hid that part of me from everyone, like i always did. I think in taking the decision last September to "come out" about my depression and share it with the world was probably one of the best things i have done. I think for the first time i have acknowledged to myself more than anything that there was a problem. Prior to that i guess i was in self denial ? I dunno. or maybe i just did not like something so personal to me become public knowledge. I am after all a very private person in many ways. And i only let people i trust in as it were to share and discuss things, but i still told noone , not even my closest friends of my depression. I could not inflict my problems on others. But now i realise it is better to share than keep things bottled up. It stil irkes me that i was accused by former friends that i faked my depression. I was stunned by those hurtful comments. God i would never dream of saying such a thing about them. Never ever. You just dont do that sort of thing. And for them to think i would fake my depression as well? Jesus, it dos not bear thinking about. It really does'nt.
So yes, life for me is changing slowly. I have met some wonderful people and who have made me smile again!! I have started an archery course this week. I wanted to do this years ago, back after my holiday in Cyprus in oh 1996 i think it was. But of course after my Mother got diagnosed with Cancer in 1997, those plans came to a halt. And wonder of wonders, i am starting to cook again. Yes you read that right. COOK !!!! I need to look after myself more. I am very concious of the fact that i have not done so for a long time. And do you know, i have found to my surprise that i enjoyed cooking. I think my Mother would be thrilled that i have decided to start doing some proper cooking again. So i think this also is a sign that i am recovering from my depression as well. And i think also grief? i know my Mother died in 2002. But although you learn to live with the death of one so close to you, you never truly get over it. I have largely learnt to live with what has happened. But even now, eight years after my Mother died, i still get days when i do break down in tears. And i suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of loss. Not as often as i did, but it still does happen on occassion. I just hope that my Mother is aware of all the things happening in my life now, ie Jeremy Brett BAFTA Camapign, (If anyone wants more info on this and wish to signt the petition they can do here http://www.petitiononline.com/JBBAFTA2/petition.html ) Jeremy Memorial Walk, 2010, taking up archery, taking up cooking, and that she would approve and would be pleased. I hope so. I really do. Talking of the walk i am somewhat dissapointed more of my work colleagues have not donated to the walk, but hell i cant force people to. I am doing the walk in memory of Jeremy Brett, best known for playing Sherlock Holmes, but am raising money for Cancer Research UK and MDF Bi Polar.org. If anyone would like to donate they can do here
http://www.justgiving.com/WirralBagpuss (MDF Bi Polar)
http://www.justgiving.com/WirralBagpuss2 (Cancer Research UK)
So am i alright? Hmm yes i think so. It is a qualified yes. Because i know i am unhappy about alot of things at the moment.. I do wish i had a brother or sister to turn to not just for help and support but also as a friend as well. Things would be different. Ahh well. I am fighting. And i am geting there :)