okay, so i'm not out of this.
operating on the assumption i'm bipolar, i'm still manic. i was hoping i was out of it, but i think it's just shifted. it's like... i feel tired, kinda, and when the hyperness slows down for a little bit i can feel that i'm going to be very depressed, and i'm holding it off, sorta?
things i have noticed: i am much more racist/weightist/etc than i would normally be. things that i would think twice before saying to anyone just fly out of my mouth.
normally i don't see any of that as true but i might make a mean joke as, well, a joke. but i find myself being taken over by this sort of... energy, if i get myself hyped up or ticked off somehow, and i'm just... really malicious. and i mean it. it's... odd.
it's almost like experiences i've heard of tourette's although abviously it's not actually tourette's, because i can control it. it also gives me an insight into my mother who does become very racist sometimes, during what i've always thought of as her manic phases. in fact my behavior today has been very scarily reminiscent of her...
um... yeah. i'm really hyped up. it's probably not good for me. i've been talking fast all evening still coupled with completely drifting off into out-of-it moments. i feel like i'm definitely disassociated which is not good for me. i've also been thinking of self harm, because i know it would bring me down to earth, but i know it wouldn't really help.
if i thought anyone could understand that this is not okay and i don't like how i am right now, i would honestly, seriously go to the hospital and ask that they sedate me. but i don't think any of my friends would understand that my behavior is not good right now, not safe, and frankly in a little corner of my mind scares me. i'm in an impulsive mood and i can tell i really want to do something stupid, like go shoplift or just go on a long walk around in my college town which at this late at night is not safe at all. i'm going in and out of being really hyped up and almost calm in such a rapid and unpredictable manner that i feel i wouldn't really be able to "prove" that i'm not in a great place, too.
in the time i wrote that last sentence, i went from calm to hyped to calm to hyped. really. not a great thing. also i'm articulate so it's hard for people to believe that i really am having problems with my mental state when i am.
uuugh. i don't know what to do and now i'm listening to music that doesn't help (coincidence that was made funny by reading a previous post about music...) because it's fast paced and making me... sorta spiral? and i'm pretty sleep deprived right now. i got about five hours last night and even that wasn't great quality, and then three the night before. so i'm SO TIRED but i can't do anything about it because i'm too hyped to sleep.
i'm seriously thinking of asking someone i know on campus for whatever meds she might have that would possibly knock the edge off this. self-medicating - not good. won't work. but i'm feeling desperate.
i talked to my mom on the phone tonight and she probably got three sentences in.
i've got an appointment set for december 2nd to hopefully get some of this mental stuff untangled. therapist i've never met but at least she's female, which was my request. i'm hoping that will help. but there's that whole not feeling like i have the ability to say "there is something wrong with me, i really need it fixed" because i /can/ appear so healthy sometimes, and probably will because i'll be on edge with her and therefore on my best behavior.
i'm worried she's going to say to come back in a few weeks and keep track of my behavior til then when all i really want is, honestly, completely honestly, for her to put me on something that makes this stop! i know that sounds bad but i don't feel like fighting this anymore and i don't want to learn any methods of dealing with it, at least not right now in this mood.
i am trying to keep track of my behavior but it's hard to state in concrete and helpful terms. does anyone have any resources for this? a checklist, or a website set up for this? not a moodtracker, i'm not good at that, i need something i can say 'yes, i feel like this' or perhaps say 'today i did this and this'...
i don't think i'm making sense but if anyone has ideas please, please comment.