(no subject)
I hope this is ok to post here.
To introduce myself briefly, I'm Rachael. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, Anxiety disorder and Agoraphobia (though slight) about 4 years ago. I can't take anti-depressants as they make me a very angry person and I stopped taking Lithium about 8 months or so in because I really didn't want to be on medication anymore.
For the last few days I've seen the figure of a man standing in the bedroom doorway. I've been afraid to walk in my apartment with the lights off and even more afraid to go to bed without holding very tightly to my boyfriend Alex, fully covered by our sheets (and omg it's been HOT at night).
This happened a lot about 4 years ago after a very serious break up. I'd see a mans figure standing in the doorway. I would be so afraid that I was practically paralyzed until I fell asleep or until the sun would start to rise and the shadows would disappear.
I started seeing this new figure only a few days ago- maybe a week ago. But I've been ridiculously paranoid and afraid of almost everything lately, for perhaps a good month now. I'd day dream that someone would break into our apartment and shoot us while we were in bed.
The other night, we bought the shelves for the bathroom and didn't put it together correctly. At 6am, they came crashing down. Loudly. It had been storming when I fell asleep, so when the loud crash jolted us out of bed, my immediate thought was that our apartment had been struck by lightening. Seriously. I stayed as calm as I could because I quickly discovered that was not the case, but as soon as Alex and I laid down to go back to sleep, I started BAWLING, shaking, the works. Ultimately, I was too afraid and jittery to go back to bed.
Alex had his phone on silent one night and I called him on my way home from work 5 times and instead of assuming it was on silent (like a sane person would) I started thinking something terrible had happened to him- that he was hurt in the apartment or in the hospital and his mom never called me... I even worried he was dead. My hands were shaking as I unlocked our apartment door only to find him playing Final Fantasy 12 with a huge grin on his face.
Sometimes, when Alex drives crazy, I imagine someone will get a terrible case of road rage and run us off the road, or worse yet, shoot us.
I haven't been sleeping at night very well. As I said, the last week I haven't slept well because I thought someone was standing in our doorway, but... I felt safe tonight and still can't sleep. I was tired and yawning when Alex and I laid down, but the minute he fell asleep I was wide eyed and my mind was racing.
Which brings me here.
Sometimes I 'forget' that I'm bipolar. I know that sounds so stupid, but for the last year or so, I've been doing SO WELL that I trick myself into thinking I'm fine. I mean, I AM fine, but I'm still bipolar... if that makes sense.
I've continued to cycle through (and recognize when I'm doing it) mania and depression and Alex even can tell when I'm cycling. But I haven't had a serious depression since after my apartment burned down in December of '08 and my manic episodes have really just been hypo-mania lately. These are good things, but if I haven't had a serious manic episode in such a long time, I may not recognize the onset as well, right?
So really, even though I also posted this on my own journal, I just needed to vent to people who would understand.... assuming this is related to bipolar at all...
To introduce myself briefly, I'm Rachael. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, Anxiety disorder and Agoraphobia (though slight) about 4 years ago. I can't take anti-depressants as they make me a very angry person and I stopped taking Lithium about 8 months or so in because I really didn't want to be on medication anymore.
For the last few days I've seen the figure of a man standing in the bedroom doorway. I've been afraid to walk in my apartment with the lights off and even more afraid to go to bed without holding very tightly to my boyfriend Alex, fully covered by our sheets (and omg it's been HOT at night).
This happened a lot about 4 years ago after a very serious break up. I'd see a mans figure standing in the doorway. I would be so afraid that I was practically paralyzed until I fell asleep or until the sun would start to rise and the shadows would disappear.
I started seeing this new figure only a few days ago- maybe a week ago. But I've been ridiculously paranoid and afraid of almost everything lately, for perhaps a good month now. I'd day dream that someone would break into our apartment and shoot us while we were in bed.
The other night, we bought the shelves for the bathroom and didn't put it together correctly. At 6am, they came crashing down. Loudly. It had been storming when I fell asleep, so when the loud crash jolted us out of bed, my immediate thought was that our apartment had been struck by lightening. Seriously. I stayed as calm as I could because I quickly discovered that was not the case, but as soon as Alex and I laid down to go back to sleep, I started BAWLING, shaking, the works. Ultimately, I was too afraid and jittery to go back to bed.
Alex had his phone on silent one night and I called him on my way home from work 5 times and instead of assuming it was on silent (like a sane person would) I started thinking something terrible had happened to him- that he was hurt in the apartment or in the hospital and his mom never called me... I even worried he was dead. My hands were shaking as I unlocked our apartment door only to find him playing Final Fantasy 12 with a huge grin on his face.
Sometimes, when Alex drives crazy, I imagine someone will get a terrible case of road rage and run us off the road, or worse yet, shoot us.
I haven't been sleeping at night very well. As I said, the last week I haven't slept well because I thought someone was standing in our doorway, but... I felt safe tonight and still can't sleep. I was tired and yawning when Alex and I laid down, but the minute he fell asleep I was wide eyed and my mind was racing.
Which brings me here.
Sometimes I 'forget' that I'm bipolar. I know that sounds so stupid, but for the last year or so, I've been doing SO WELL that I trick myself into thinking I'm fine. I mean, I AM fine, but I'm still bipolar... if that makes sense.
I've continued to cycle through (and recognize when I'm doing it) mania and depression and Alex even can tell when I'm cycling. But I haven't had a serious depression since after my apartment burned down in December of '08 and my manic episodes have really just been hypo-mania lately. These are good things, but if I haven't had a serious manic episode in such a long time, I may not recognize the onset as well, right?
So really, even though I also posted this on my own journal, I just needed to vent to people who would understand.... assuming this is related to bipolar at all...