This is a fucking rant.
I have never felt this ill in my entire life. Physically or emotionally.
The 24/7 nausea that keeps me glued to the bathroom floor, the unrelenting dizziness and vertigo, the pounding headaches, the uncontrollable sweating that keeps my hair damp and my shirt soaked, the painful brain zaps and the crying spells… Fucking for seriously? I can hardly even articulate my own thoughts.
After tapering my dose for six months (six fucking months), I have been completely Effexor free since Monday and I have never felt so shitty in my entire life. I flushed every one of those fucking pills because the urge to take one in hopes of feeling better is more intense than anything I have ever felt before.
I didn't think it would be THIS bad. When I read stories of people who said Effexor withdrawals felt even shittier than ones from fucking heroine I thought they were being melodramatic. I mean, people who wrote testimonials to withdrawing from this med were batshitfuckinginsane. One lady said she wanted to murder every single person who had a hand in creating this drug. I wouldn't go so far as to say that, but then again, there’s not much I can really say without crying.
Thank god for the internet. I can still have some semblance of a social outlet without freaking people out over how incredibly fucked up I am right now.
I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. Like after my entire body got crumpled in that car accident (and then my face stitched together without numbing medicine), or the whole appendix thing (it's a toss up between before or after being more painful), or even fucking tattoo removal which is pretty fucking bad- The old woman who was doing it to me said she seen many a grown, burly ass man bawl his eyes out while getting it done. She also said I'd be great at giving birth. Thanks?
And then the fucking cherry on top of this is 1) my thyroid hasn't been functioning for the past few months (year+?) because my old doctor didn't know how the fuck to check my blood work, I am 10 pounds away from being clinically obese despite barely eating, and tomorrow I have an internal ultrasound (which my gyno described as being "dildo" like) to see if I have endometriosis or fibroids that would require surgery. It's so fucking depressing all I can do is laugh because my brain cannot rationally process emotions anymore.
I feel bad for bitching, but I need to get it out somewhere so I don't annoy the shit out of Nate with my constant woes. I mean, it could be worse. I could have cancer or AIDS and be literally dying. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I get that enough. When I told my tough-as-nails gyno that I was withdrawing from Effexor she looked sincerely sad for me. That made me feel even more depressed than if she had just told me to suck my shit up.
If I could trade all of this- the withdrawal shit AND my ongoing mental health issues- for amputating one of my limbs I would do it in a fucking heartbeat. Arm, leg, whatever the fuck they could trade me for this. In fact, I would trade mental illness for chronic physical pain (like my dad's fucked up ulner nerve) any fucking day.
I feel like running around in a circle screaming WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK, but I have neither the energy to run nor scream. In fact, all I can do is lie here on the bathroom floor and try to find anything that will take my mind off the fact that the world is spinning around and I cannot stop it.
Here's a word to the wise, if your doctor ever tries to give you Effexor throw it in a fucking pit of hell fire. Unless it works for you and you plan on staying on it for your entire life (which never happens anyway because most psych meds tend to lose effectiveness over time) then STAY THE FUCK AWAY.
x-posted to my personal journal
The 24/7 nausea that keeps me glued to the bathroom floor, the unrelenting dizziness and vertigo, the pounding headaches, the uncontrollable sweating that keeps my hair damp and my shirt soaked, the painful brain zaps and the crying spells… Fucking for seriously? I can hardly even articulate my own thoughts.
After tapering my dose for six months (six fucking months), I have been completely Effexor free since Monday and I have never felt so shitty in my entire life. I flushed every one of those fucking pills because the urge to take one in hopes of feeling better is more intense than anything I have ever felt before.
I didn't think it would be THIS bad. When I read stories of people who said Effexor withdrawals felt even shittier than ones from fucking heroine I thought they were being melodramatic. I mean, people who wrote testimonials to withdrawing from this med were batshitfuckinginsane. One lady said she wanted to murder every single person who had a hand in creating this drug. I wouldn't go so far as to say that, but then again, there’s not much I can really say without crying.
Thank god for the internet. I can still have some semblance of a social outlet without freaking people out over how incredibly fucked up I am right now.
I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. Like after my entire body got crumpled in that car accident (and then my face stitched together without numbing medicine), or the whole appendix thing (it's a toss up between before or after being more painful), or even fucking tattoo removal which is pretty fucking bad- The old woman who was doing it to me said she seen many a grown, burly ass man bawl his eyes out while getting it done. She also said I'd be great at giving birth. Thanks?
And then the fucking cherry on top of this is 1) my thyroid hasn't been functioning for the past few months (year+?) because my old doctor didn't know how the fuck to check my blood work, I am 10 pounds away from being clinically obese despite barely eating, and tomorrow I have an internal ultrasound (which my gyno described as being "dildo" like) to see if I have endometriosis or fibroids that would require surgery. It's so fucking depressing all I can do is laugh because my brain cannot rationally process emotions anymore.
I feel bad for bitching, but I need to get it out somewhere so I don't annoy the shit out of Nate with my constant woes. I mean, it could be worse. I could have cancer or AIDS and be literally dying. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I get that enough. When I told my tough-as-nails gyno that I was withdrawing from Effexor she looked sincerely sad for me. That made me feel even more depressed than if she had just told me to suck my shit up.
If I could trade all of this- the withdrawal shit AND my ongoing mental health issues- for amputating one of my limbs I would do it in a fucking heartbeat. Arm, leg, whatever the fuck they could trade me for this. In fact, I would trade mental illness for chronic physical pain (like my dad's fucked up ulner nerve) any fucking day.
I feel like running around in a circle screaming WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK, but I have neither the energy to run nor scream. In fact, all I can do is lie here on the bathroom floor and try to find anything that will take my mind off the fact that the world is spinning around and I cannot stop it.
Here's a word to the wise, if your doctor ever tries to give you Effexor throw it in a fucking pit of hell fire. Unless it works for you and you plan on staying on it for your entire life (which never happens anyway because most psych meds tend to lose effectiveness over time) then STAY THE FUCK AWAY.
x-posted to my personal journal