Me...
Honestly this is who I am. I take Adderall 40 Mg. a day. Zoloft 50 Mg. a day. Seroquel 400 Mg. a day. Geodon 2400 Mg. a day.. I feel blank. I don't often feel the way I am suppose to. In my current living situation I should be depressed but I find a way of avoiding it on a daily basis. Sometimes the demon let's his ugly head through & I feel worse. I feel suicidal at times but not enough to do anything about it. I know I'm unhappy but I can't do anything to cure that. I know I've been worse before & somehow I'm better than in the past. I want to die most days but again I do nothing about it. I keep thinking that the life beyond this one is somehow better. I know the drugs make me numb. I know I would be fucking crazy without them. I know I need help but there is no where to get the help I need. I am awake yet asleep. I function but I don't function at all. I do nothing & am nothing. I have no one. I have myself. I have pain but no solution. I am bi-polar I know this. I function in extremes of pain & joy. I live & die everyday. I fantasize about death frequently. I do nothing to make my death a reality. I give myself a short leash to live off. I am constantly not living up to my potential. I love death & I hate life. I am a coward. I am empty. I am never full. I never know what to say. I am growing tired of what life has to offer me. I see no escape from my dungeon. I want to scream but there is no where to scream. I want to die but death is not my friend. Nothing makes any sense. I have no life. I want to go away from this. I want no one to read this. I want to stop writing. I want to stop existing. I can never do what I want. I can never get what I want. Life is a constant disappointment. Life never is happy. Life is never full. Life is always changing & never giving. I want it all. I want everything. I want my life back again. I want to believe things will get better. I want to believe life is acceptable. I want to believe life wants me to grow & be content. I want to believe in love everlasting. There is nothing I want given to me. Nothing I long for is nothing I have. Escape with a slice to my veins.. Who knows? Maybe it's better on the other side. Maybe it's not.. I have no way of knowing. I feel lonely. I want to stop talking about this. This is not going to bring what I want. No one can understand the helplessness I feel. Go away & leave me for another day in this madness we call reality. It doesn't really matter. It's all the same. It will never change. Of this I know for certain.