Psychotic/suicidal/wtf episode
Monday I had what I can only refer to as a psychotic breakdown.
I got in my car and I could smell animal. I thought there was a squirrel in my car or something. I tried to calm myself down by saying to myself that the smell was probably my dogs on my jacket. I sniffed, and my jacket smelled like nothing.
I start F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G OUT.
I am then convinced that there is an angry animal in my car and it probably wants to kill me. Is it the already dead squirrel I ran over that day? Who knows! But it wants me. I begin crying hysterically and driving at 70 mph in a 45 mph zone because for some reason, I think that getting out of the car at home is the only way I will be safe. I get home, lock the car doors so that the animal can't open the door handle and reach me before I get inside my house. I run into my house and crawl right into bed embarressed and afraid. That animal was so close to killing me... or so I thought.
The only thing I could do to keep from freaking out worse was close my eyes and pray that it was over. I fell asleep immediately.
I can't tell my family about this. I can't tell people that love me that my brain scares me so much that I want to stab myself in the skull so I can cut the scary part out. Which part is the scary part? Which part do I need to cut out of me so that I don't have to be afraid of myself anymore? I'm still afraid that I will come out and the "animal" will be in there.
This has never been like this for me. My doctors told me that this is just developing inside of me, so there is no telling how bad it will be when the disease has kidnapped my brain. Will I be able to get out of bed? Or will I be too afraid of myself?
I already fear everything under the sun.
Today a coworker asked me, "What would you do if you knew it was your last night on Earth?"
I answered before I thought about it and said, "Sleep." If this were my last night on Earth, I would probably be able to sleep more peacefully than I ever have. I would be relieved. What is wrong with me that I think like this???? Why can't I be like the other people who don't want to tear into their flesh so deep that the pain doesn't matter?
My thoughts are beginning to scare me again...
I got in my car and I could smell animal. I thought there was a squirrel in my car or something. I tried to calm myself down by saying to myself that the smell was probably my dogs on my jacket. I sniffed, and my jacket smelled like nothing.
I start F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G OUT.
I am then convinced that there is an angry animal in my car and it probably wants to kill me. Is it the already dead squirrel I ran over that day? Who knows! But it wants me. I begin crying hysterically and driving at 70 mph in a 45 mph zone because for some reason, I think that getting out of the car at home is the only way I will be safe. I get home, lock the car doors so that the animal can't open the door handle and reach me before I get inside my house. I run into my house and crawl right into bed embarressed and afraid. That animal was so close to killing me... or so I thought.
The only thing I could do to keep from freaking out worse was close my eyes and pray that it was over. I fell asleep immediately.
I can't tell my family about this. I can't tell people that love me that my brain scares me so much that I want to stab myself in the skull so I can cut the scary part out. Which part is the scary part? Which part do I need to cut out of me so that I don't have to be afraid of myself anymore? I'm still afraid that I will come out and the "animal" will be in there.
This has never been like this for me. My doctors told me that this is just developing inside of me, so there is no telling how bad it will be when the disease has kidnapped my brain. Will I be able to get out of bed? Or will I be too afraid of myself?
I already fear everything under the sun.
Today a coworker asked me, "What would you do if you knew it was your last night on Earth?"
I answered before I thought about it and said, "Sleep." If this were my last night on Earth, I would probably be able to sleep more peacefully than I ever have. I would be relieved. What is wrong with me that I think like this???? Why can't I be like the other people who don't want to tear into their flesh so deep that the pain doesn't matter?
My thoughts are beginning to scare me again...