Desperately clinging to a doorpost?
WARNING: Whiny rant below. If your boredom threshold is low, do not read.
Remember how in my last entry I wrote about life sometimes shoving me kicking and screaming through a door and then slamming it shut behind me?
Well, I am starting to suspect this is one of those times.
Things here are not running smoothly. Tygrr is struggling in her new job and her mood has continued to be up and down, bouncing anywhere between mildly ok, to depressed to livid to overwhelmed.
Stuff has been hitting us now for the last six months and it's taking its toll on me too. I am struggling to stay positive, totally unable to see a way to settle things down, and alternating between supportive, hurt, resentful and just plain exhausted when it comes to dealing with tygrr.
I don't feel like talking much. I read a little but hardly leave notes any more. I look at the diaries, or at my IM contact list and just close them down - I just don't want to talk to anyone much right now. I'm sleeping terribly at nights, waking often and then going back to sleep, or like this morning, waking after 3 hours sleep and being up for hours. I sleep a lot during the day. I don't know if that's because of the bad sleep at night, or if that's the CAUSE of the bad sleep at night.
My asthma is still playing up. The cramps from the puffers I have to use are driving me nuts. I like down to sleep and get a muscle spasm, twist and turn in all sorts of directions to ease it, only to get another spasm from turning that way. Eventually I seem to just collapse exhausted to sleep in a brief interlude between cramps, only to be woken the first time I move a leg or a foot as it catapults itselt into gordian type knots.
On top of that I have had chronic heartburn and indigestion for days now. My throat feels like my stomach is backed up against it - even first thing in the morning. The acid reflux has been horrendous and I have been living on Quickeze antacid tablets. Even tea and toast will give me indigestion!
I'm miserable. Tygrr's miserable. Even poor troll's miserable.
I've been berating myself for weeks now for not coping better, for not holding it together better, for not being a better support to tygrr, not being a better mum to troll... just not being .. better than how I am right now.
And then tonight I had to chuckle. I was reading this list. You know, I wasn't diagnosed bipolar randomly. I haven't been put on a disablity support pension from the sheer goodness of some bureaucrat's heart. I wasn't given government housing because of my good looks. Bipolar does not go away. No matter how much one may wish it to, it does not evaporate into the ethers. And no matter how much I may undergo drug therapy or hypnotherapy as I did last year, it does not cure it. It goes a long way to disarming it and making it livable MOST of the time.
But it does not cure it. It's still there and you know what? It's got a bit of a grip on me right now. I've been berating myself for failing at coping, when I'm set up to fail to cope. The bipolar almost guarantees I will fail to cope.
So when I look at the last six months, I should congratulate myself that it has taken this long before I start to crumble from the pressure.
And you know, I don't know if this is fate trying to tell me to change things in my life or not. Heck, I don't even know what should be changed. Yeah, of course I want tygrr well and happy and the same for me - but I don't know what I need to change to bring that about!
So really, there's nothing much I can do about it all other than wait and see what's around the corner for us.
But not having anything to do about it doesn't change how I feel about it.
It sux.
I'm pissed off. I'm frustrated. I'm LIVID that it has carried on for so long. I'm lonely beyond measure that I cannot talk to my tygrr about it all right now. I'm incredibly sad that this is so.
And I'm tired. Tired of having to try to cope, of struggling to find the answers. Tired of having to endure. Tired of being grown up when all I want to do is stamp my feet and throw myself on the floor and howl.
I mean, WHY???
Is it karma?
Divine punishment?
Are we being tested?
Am I being tested? Is my 'we can see a positive in everything bad' attitude being taught a lesson?
How much more are we expected to take? Is all that's happened this year just random?
What the f**k is going on?????????????
We are reeling from the blows. My family is about to collapse from the stress of it all.
We feel so goddamned helpless.
You know.. if there is a god up there, or goddess or whatever, then screw you ... if you control things and make things happen to affect us, then right now, I don't happen to like you very much. You suck big donkey balls.
Enough all bloody ready ... ok?
Lay off us.
Give us a break.
Piss the f**k off and stop stirring our pot.
What the hell are we supposed to learn from this? hey?.. what sense does it make? Why the hell are you making our life go down the shitter for huh? Does it amuse you .. are you jealous because I was happy with a modest life... get over it.... grow up and stop screwing with us...
There simply is no logic in this... no reasoning at all.... no sense... what the hell is the point ????
*sighs*
And yes, it does feel this bad. That's the glorious democratic thing about bipolar. I may experience the most amazing joy, the unbelievable depths of love, the most intense happiness imaginable because of my disorder, but it is a dual edged sword - likewise the bad times are equally intense.
Welcome to my world.
At the moment, right now, tonight... it sux.
Tomorrow it may not be anywhere near so bad, such is the nature of the beast.
I'm not through that doorway seeing new opportunities just yet. I'm still at the kicking and screaming and hanging on by my nails stage. So yeah, right now, it sux.
Maybe I just need to get laid.....
Remember how in my last entry I wrote about life sometimes shoving me kicking and screaming through a door and then slamming it shut behind me?
Well, I am starting to suspect this is one of those times.
Things here are not running smoothly. Tygrr is struggling in her new job and her mood has continued to be up and down, bouncing anywhere between mildly ok, to depressed to livid to overwhelmed.
Stuff has been hitting us now for the last six months and it's taking its toll on me too. I am struggling to stay positive, totally unable to see a way to settle things down, and alternating between supportive, hurt, resentful and just plain exhausted when it comes to dealing with tygrr.
I don't feel like talking much. I read a little but hardly leave notes any more. I look at the diaries, or at my IM contact list and just close them down - I just don't want to talk to anyone much right now. I'm sleeping terribly at nights, waking often and then going back to sleep, or like this morning, waking after 3 hours sleep and being up for hours. I sleep a lot during the day. I don't know if that's because of the bad sleep at night, or if that's the CAUSE of the bad sleep at night.
My asthma is still playing up. The cramps from the puffers I have to use are driving me nuts. I like down to sleep and get a muscle spasm, twist and turn in all sorts of directions to ease it, only to get another spasm from turning that way. Eventually I seem to just collapse exhausted to sleep in a brief interlude between cramps, only to be woken the first time I move a leg or a foot as it catapults itselt into gordian type knots.
On top of that I have had chronic heartburn and indigestion for days now. My throat feels like my stomach is backed up against it - even first thing in the morning. The acid reflux has been horrendous and I have been living on Quickeze antacid tablets. Even tea and toast will give me indigestion!
I'm miserable. Tygrr's miserable. Even poor troll's miserable.
I've been berating myself for weeks now for not coping better, for not holding it together better, for not being a better support to tygrr, not being a better mum to troll... just not being .. better than how I am right now.
And then tonight I had to chuckle. I was reading this list. You know, I wasn't diagnosed bipolar randomly. I haven't been put on a disablity support pension from the sheer goodness of some bureaucrat's heart. I wasn't given government housing because of my good looks. Bipolar does not go away. No matter how much one may wish it to, it does not evaporate into the ethers. And no matter how much I may undergo drug therapy or hypnotherapy as I did last year, it does not cure it. It goes a long way to disarming it and making it livable MOST of the time.
But it does not cure it. It's still there and you know what? It's got a bit of a grip on me right now. I've been berating myself for failing at coping, when I'm set up to fail to cope. The bipolar almost guarantees I will fail to cope.
So when I look at the last six months, I should congratulate myself that it has taken this long before I start to crumble from the pressure.
And you know, I don't know if this is fate trying to tell me to change things in my life or not. Heck, I don't even know what should be changed. Yeah, of course I want tygrr well and happy and the same for me - but I don't know what I need to change to bring that about!
So really, there's nothing much I can do about it all other than wait and see what's around the corner for us.
But not having anything to do about it doesn't change how I feel about it.
It sux.
I'm pissed off. I'm frustrated. I'm LIVID that it has carried on for so long. I'm lonely beyond measure that I cannot talk to my tygrr about it all right now. I'm incredibly sad that this is so.
And I'm tired. Tired of having to try to cope, of struggling to find the answers. Tired of having to endure. Tired of being grown up when all I want to do is stamp my feet and throw myself on the floor and howl.
I mean, WHY???
Is it karma?
Divine punishment?
Are we being tested?
Am I being tested? Is my 'we can see a positive in everything bad' attitude being taught a lesson?
How much more are we expected to take? Is all that's happened this year just random?
What the f**k is going on?????????????
We are reeling from the blows. My family is about to collapse from the stress of it all.
We feel so goddamned helpless.
You know.. if there is a god up there, or goddess or whatever, then screw you ... if you control things and make things happen to affect us, then right now, I don't happen to like you very much. You suck big donkey balls.
Enough all bloody ready ... ok?
Lay off us.
Give us a break.
Piss the f**k off and stop stirring our pot.
What the hell are we supposed to learn from this? hey?.. what sense does it make? Why the hell are you making our life go down the shitter for huh? Does it amuse you .. are you jealous because I was happy with a modest life... get over it.... grow up and stop screwing with us...
There simply is no logic in this... no reasoning at all.... no sense... what the hell is the point ????
*sighs*
And yes, it does feel this bad. That's the glorious democratic thing about bipolar. I may experience the most amazing joy, the unbelievable depths of love, the most intense happiness imaginable because of my disorder, but it is a dual edged sword - likewise the bad times are equally intense.
Welcome to my world.
At the moment, right now, tonight... it sux.
Tomorrow it may not be anywhere near so bad, such is the nature of the beast.
I'm not through that doorway seeing new opportunities just yet. I'm still at the kicking and screaming and hanging on by my nails stage. So yeah, right now, it sux.
Maybe I just need to get laid.....