SIX YEARS AGO tonight at midnight...
You died. I miss you so much Nicole. You were such a big part of my life. G*D how I wished it was me that night. To this day, I still believe it was my fault. Why didn't I just call 911? Why did I listen to Jeff. What the H*LL was I thinking? I knew you weren't well. I knew that after you left the house to get "more", I knew you were getting worse. It was the first time I was ever so mad at you. I wished you would have just stopped and gone to sleep like I wanted to. Why weren't you more responsible? I am not blaming you; I know we were both in the wrong, but you took it so far. I knew what you were taking, I saw the empty pill bottles. I remember you telling me you feel like you are gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life. Why didn't I just pick up the D*MN phone then. Instead I just told you to go to sleep. I didn't know that would be the last time I would ever see you or the last words I would ever speak to you again. How could I have been so senseless. I wished for so long that I would have gone instead of you. Your daughter seeing you in the morning as passing you by. She left for school, I heard her. And you were lying there on the couch already gone. Your husband left not knowing you were already gone. I will never forget trying to wake you up and shaking you and telling you this isn't happening. You can't leave me. G*D Nicole, how I miss you. You could have changed your life around, we could have done it together. I went into such a deep depression when you left. Darkness just filled my entire life. I felt I had nothing left. You gave me so much life and made me so happy. We had such fun times together. I will never forget the games we used to play, the times at the pool, the times bowling, the times just hanging out being friends. I never had a friend like you. You were so unique. So beautiful. Such a big heart. A beautiful 7 year old daughter. Samantha, I miss you so much too. I just saw complete darkness around me. Nothing else mattered anymore. (One of my candles for you just burned out) I wanted so bad to be with you. I wanted to end my life, step into the 6 foot space you were in for eternity just to be with you. I didn't know how I would survive without you. I also wanted to do it because I felt so ashamed that I didn't help you. I was so irresponsible. Instead, I went off on binges. Drinking, not caring, being so reckless. Then I got my second DUI. Then I realized I had to stop. Your leaving and the DUI just completely stopped me. I knew I had to stop and change it all around. My life is so completely different today. Now I can't imagine how it would have been if you were still here. (My second candle for you just burned out) All I have now are memories of you. So many good, some bad. I am just so mad at myself that I was upset with you for the first time that night. I never got to say good bye, didn't tell you how much I loved you. You knew, but not like saying it to you especially before losing someone. Your life just ended when it could have been so much more. My life is so much more now, but I still am so sad of losing you. Sometimes I still can't sleep. Here are the songs that remind me of you whenever I hear them.
ANGEL - Sarah McLachlan
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
I WILL REMEMBER YOU - Sarah McLachlan
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories
MY LOVE IS YOU LOVE - Whitney Houston (I love this song and I just had you listen to it for the first time)
If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I'm standin' on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you
If I wake up in World War 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It's okay if your commin' with me
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistaed couldn't hold us
If I lose my fame and fortune
And I'm homeless on the street
And I'm sleepin' in Grand Central Station
It's okay if you're sleepin' with me
As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other's eyes
And no matter how old we get
It's okay as long as I got you babe
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistaed couldn't hold us
If I should die this very day
Don't cry, cause on earth we wasn't meant to stay
And no matter what the people say
I'll be waiting for you after judgement day
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistaed couldn't hold us
YOU DON'T TREAT ME NO GOOD NO MORE - Sonia Dada (This was your favorite song. You and your daughter and I used to listen to it all the time)
Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it
I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
yea-but before I get ta going, I've got to say,
I know you used to love me but that was yesterday,
And the truth, I won't fight it,
When the love starts burning you got to do what's right.
Woh-oh lover lover lover, you don't treat me no good no more,
Woh-oh, woh-oh lover, lover lover, you don't treat me no good no more,
Well the truth, yeah it hurts to say,
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away,
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it,
I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
yeah-but before I get ta going, I've got to say
I know you used to love me but that was yesterday,
Yeah it's the truth, I won't fight it,
When the love starts burning you got to do what's right,
But before I get ta going, I've got to say,
There was a time, oh woman, when you used to shake it for me,
but now, all you do is just treat me cold,
Aint gonna take it no more, gonna walk out the door,
Woh-oh lover lover lover you don't treat me no good no more,
no good no more more more more
lover lover lover you don't treat me good no more,
yeah yeah yeah yeah
lover lover lover you don't treat me no good no more
(repeated in unison with rest of song and to end)
well i went to your mama's almost every night
and i'm hurting so bad cos you don't treat me right
o woman, o woman you know I love you so
but you're so mean to me baby, I'm walking out the door,
oh lover, oh lover, yeah-yeah
Woh-oh lover lover lover you don't treat me no good no more
I know you used to love me in every way
but now im giving it up, im tired of trying my babe
I can't stand it no longer, it hurts me to say,
but im packing up my bags and going far away,
o woman, yeah-yeah
woh-oh, woh-oh lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
woh-oh lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
(you dont treat me good no more)
lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
(you dont treat me good no more)
lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
(you dont treat me good no more)
lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
Well, that's it for now. I think I am done writing. I am getting a headache from all the crying. I SI'd tonight for the first time in 7 months. I can't believe it. My third candle for you has almost burned out so you will always be in my heart Nicole. Rest in peace my friend.
ANGEL - Sarah McLachlan
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
I WILL REMEMBER YOU - Sarah McLachlan
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories
MY LOVE IS YOU LOVE - Whitney Houston (I love this song and I just had you listen to it for the first time)
If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I'm standin' on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you
If I wake up in World War 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It's okay if your commin' with me
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistaed couldn't hold us
If I lose my fame and fortune
And I'm homeless on the street
And I'm sleepin' in Grand Central Station
It's okay if you're sleepin' with me
As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other's eyes
And no matter how old we get
It's okay as long as I got you babe
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistaed couldn't hold us
If I should die this very day
Don't cry, cause on earth we wasn't meant to stay
And no matter what the people say
I'll be waiting for you after judgement day
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistaed couldn't hold us
YOU DON'T TREAT ME NO GOOD NO MORE - Sonia Dada (This was your favorite song. You and your daughter and I used to listen to it all the time)
Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it
I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
yea-but before I get ta going, I've got to say,
I know you used to love me but that was yesterday,
And the truth, I won't fight it,
When the love starts burning you got to do what's right.
Woh-oh lover lover lover, you don't treat me no good no more,
Woh-oh, woh-oh lover, lover lover, you don't treat me no good no more,
Well the truth, yeah it hurts to say,
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away,
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it,
I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
yeah-but before I get ta going, I've got to say
I know you used to love me but that was yesterday,
Yeah it's the truth, I won't fight it,
When the love starts burning you got to do what's right,
But before I get ta going, I've got to say,
There was a time, oh woman, when you used to shake it for me,
but now, all you do is just treat me cold,
Aint gonna take it no more, gonna walk out the door,
Woh-oh lover lover lover you don't treat me no good no more,
no good no more more more more
lover lover lover you don't treat me good no more,
yeah yeah yeah yeah
lover lover lover you don't treat me no good no more
(repeated in unison with rest of song and to end)
well i went to your mama's almost every night
and i'm hurting so bad cos you don't treat me right
o woman, o woman you know I love you so
but you're so mean to me baby, I'm walking out the door,
oh lover, oh lover, yeah-yeah
Woh-oh lover lover lover you don't treat me no good no more
I know you used to love me in every way
but now im giving it up, im tired of trying my babe
I can't stand it no longer, it hurts me to say,
but im packing up my bags and going far away,
o woman, yeah-yeah
woh-oh, woh-oh lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
woh-oh lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
(you dont treat me good no more)
lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
(you dont treat me good no more)
lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
(you dont treat me good no more)
lover lover lover you dont treat me no good no more
Well, that's it for now. I think I am done writing. I am getting a headache from all the crying. I SI'd tonight for the first time in 7 months. I can't believe it. My third candle for you has almost burned out so you will always be in my heart Nicole. Rest in peace my friend.