I was young, then not so young; scary either way (Part 3)
Here it is…my third annual Birthday Eve (morning) Reflection post, wherein I vaguely recollect the happenings and epiphanies of the past year (22) and how they have affected/altered my life. This is good for me to do. This time around I'm turning 23; as a further twist on the theme I am reporting to you now from NYC, which is a bit different from Aurora (fewer cows).
I feel the need to include a portion of what I’d predicted this time a year ago (actually, on October 3, 2005, because my 22nd birthday was spent internet-free in Georgia):
"I love The Plan of living there [NYC] with Ashante and Jeremy and working in publishing (hmm, we'll see if that's where I am come my 23rd birthday). Of course, I could be hit by a bus. I don't know. Wait and see.
Although if I'm NOT hit by a bus, my 23rd birthday should by all means be spent in Austin, TX as Mira's date to her brother's wedding. First time in Texas! First time at a wedding! I'll be sure to keep you posted on October 7, 2006 (or thereabouts).
Three or four things I know for sure about Jocelyn At 22:
I will be a college graduate.
I will be living an independent life.
I will at some times be scared out of my mind and weep to crawl back into the academic womb.
I will at some times be flipping handsprings when I realize that, for all intents and purposes, I'm a grown-up.
I love you :)
I'm glad to have brought you all with me."
I like how it's mostly-true…the details might be a little off, but it all got rounded off as truth in the end. Damn straight I'm a college graduate. NYC, check. Publishing, check. The roles of Ashante and Jeremy are being played by my beautiful and talented wife. Austin wedding happened just a little bit sooner than planned (but it did happen and I was there). And we saw another year of not being hit by a bus! Fingers crossed for bus-free in 2-3!
Everything is different; nothing is different. I hope I haven't changed…but at the same time, I hope I've evolved.
On the eve of turning 22, I was living in a dorm in the middle of nowhere, worrying about my thesis (my newest unncessary stress of the moment is worrying about my current housing situation…anyone in NY got landlords/renters they'd like to recommend?). I live with Mira for the first time but she's still my wife as always; so many friends are far away but they're still my friends, and some friends from the past find their way here, and some new friends are being made (once you're someone's friend you are always their friend, no? Even if you don't speak for years, if you have memories of laughing your ass off with them or can picture their mannerisms, they're still your friend…just one who never ages or gets new memories). On the eve of 22 I was also in a relationship, which is different, but that's one thing I do like about the way I conduct myself romantically/sexually…while I may be at any given time "involved" in a complex web of fine young men, I don't tend to allow myself to become anyone's girlfriend too easily.
Here's something else about Jocelyn at almost-23: she's getting a cold. Bla.
So what did you learn in your 22nd year? (It seems right that I address myself…the me going into the future is in some way touching base with the me who got me here, no?)
-Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will worry about itself (still trying to truly learn that, though)
-When the future becomes the present, it's never as scary or hard as you might allow yourself to stress out over (and luckily enough, the present is almost always as awesome as you hope it will be)
-You Must Stop allowing yourself into complex situations (which become complex because you enter them, you see) using the loophole that they're not complex *yet*, but it's not as if you don't see the complexity coming, or that someone might end up hurt, or that you're going to analyze and analyze and stress out until finally no one ends up happy, just tired, you punkass. "People are too various to be treated so lightly" (Giovanni's Room): you know this is true by now. So be a grown up and act according to it.
-On a sort-of flipside, remember your other favorite beautifully simple literary truth (from The Passion): "There's no point in loving someone you can only wake up next to by chance."
-You've gotten more aggressive, or maybe harder. It can be argued either way on whether or not this is an improvement.
-You're doing well for yourself, really.
However….by the time you do this again, I'd like to see you having published something, somewhere, who cares if no one ever sees it or hears of it, but simply to see your name on a masthead. You know you want this. Don't take the easy way out of pretending that whatever goes well in your Literary Industrial Complex career is all that you'd ever wanted. You like working with other people's writing, sure. But you'd like to see what could happen with some of your writing.
The future is not so predictable now that you're out of the bookended schedule of academia. When you're 24, then, all I can say is:
Be published (or, okay, at least have written well and know you gave it your best damn shot).
Reflect on what it is you and Mira have and how it's the kind of relationship that doesn't even truly have a word or expectations for it…is friend enough of a word for this person you share your life and definition of self with (but are both, alas, tragically heterosexual)? You're partners, really.
Hey, Juliette: it'd be awesome to see you this year. More than awesome. Essential. And not like "It would be so nice to see each other!"; let's just actually see each other. I'll know my housing situation by November (at which point I will either have a new apartment with my own bedroom, or our current hallway will have a futon). Come to me or I'll come to you. You never knew me at 22. See me at 23!
Avoid anything with the signs of a fucked up emotional entanglement or clashing expectations. New friends, awesome. Friends with benefits, awesome. Boyfriend (only if it's because you want the man, not the relationship, although I'd be surprised at you if you suddenly turned all socially conditioned lovey-dovey on me), awesome. People who want something entirely different from what you want and want to give them and no happy medium is realistic: run screaming.
You're still learning your job. Learn faster and better.
And while you're at it, think about helping out a Wells Sister (man or woman; Wells Sister is not gendered, and not all Wells Students, man or woman, are automatically Sisters) with an internship.
Unless there is some terrible unforeseen expense you're going to have at 23 (bus-hitting-related physical therapy?), get your ass outside of the country for at least a week. Your vacation days start in 2007. Go get a stamp in that passport.
I love you, you know :) And I'm glad to have brought you with me.
I feel the need to include a portion of what I’d predicted this time a year ago (actually, on October 3, 2005, because my 22nd birthday was spent internet-free in Georgia):
"I love The Plan of living there [NYC] with Ashante and Jeremy and working in publishing (hmm, we'll see if that's where I am come my 23rd birthday). Of course, I could be hit by a bus. I don't know. Wait and see.
Although if I'm NOT hit by a bus, my 23rd birthday should by all means be spent in Austin, TX as Mira's date to her brother's wedding. First time in Texas! First time at a wedding! I'll be sure to keep you posted on October 7, 2006 (or thereabouts).
Three or four things I know for sure about Jocelyn At 22:
I will be a college graduate.
I will be living an independent life.
I will at some times be scared out of my mind and weep to crawl back into the academic womb.
I will at some times be flipping handsprings when I realize that, for all intents and purposes, I'm a grown-up.
I love you :)
I'm glad to have brought you all with me."
I like how it's mostly-true…the details might be a little off, but it all got rounded off as truth in the end. Damn straight I'm a college graduate. NYC, check. Publishing, check. The roles of Ashante and Jeremy are being played by my beautiful and talented wife. Austin wedding happened just a little bit sooner than planned (but it did happen and I was there). And we saw another year of not being hit by a bus! Fingers crossed for bus-free in 2-3!
Everything is different; nothing is different. I hope I haven't changed…but at the same time, I hope I've evolved.
On the eve of turning 22, I was living in a dorm in the middle of nowhere, worrying about my thesis (my newest unncessary stress of the moment is worrying about my current housing situation…anyone in NY got landlords/renters they'd like to recommend?). I live with Mira for the first time but she's still my wife as always; so many friends are far away but they're still my friends, and some friends from the past find their way here, and some new friends are being made (once you're someone's friend you are always their friend, no? Even if you don't speak for years, if you have memories of laughing your ass off with them or can picture their mannerisms, they're still your friend…just one who never ages or gets new memories). On the eve of 22 I was also in a relationship, which is different, but that's one thing I do like about the way I conduct myself romantically/sexually…while I may be at any given time "involved" in a complex web of fine young men, I don't tend to allow myself to become anyone's girlfriend too easily.
Here's something else about Jocelyn at almost-23: she's getting a cold. Bla.
So what did you learn in your 22nd year? (It seems right that I address myself…the me going into the future is in some way touching base with the me who got me here, no?)
-Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will worry about itself (still trying to truly learn that, though)
-When the future becomes the present, it's never as scary or hard as you might allow yourself to stress out over (and luckily enough, the present is almost always as awesome as you hope it will be)
-You Must Stop allowing yourself into complex situations (which become complex because you enter them, you see) using the loophole that they're not complex *yet*, but it's not as if you don't see the complexity coming, or that someone might end up hurt, or that you're going to analyze and analyze and stress out until finally no one ends up happy, just tired, you punkass. "People are too various to be treated so lightly" (Giovanni's Room): you know this is true by now. So be a grown up and act according to it.
-On a sort-of flipside, remember your other favorite beautifully simple literary truth (from The Passion): "There's no point in loving someone you can only wake up next to by chance."
-You've gotten more aggressive, or maybe harder. It can be argued either way on whether or not this is an improvement.
-You're doing well for yourself, really.
However….by the time you do this again, I'd like to see you having published something, somewhere, who cares if no one ever sees it or hears of it, but simply to see your name on a masthead. You know you want this. Don't take the easy way out of pretending that whatever goes well in your Literary Industrial Complex career is all that you'd ever wanted. You like working with other people's writing, sure. But you'd like to see what could happen with some of your writing.
The future is not so predictable now that you're out of the bookended schedule of academia. When you're 24, then, all I can say is:
Be published (or, okay, at least have written well and know you gave it your best damn shot).
Reflect on what it is you and Mira have and how it's the kind of relationship that doesn't even truly have a word or expectations for it…is friend enough of a word for this person you share your life and definition of self with (but are both, alas, tragically heterosexual)? You're partners, really.
Hey, Juliette: it'd be awesome to see you this year. More than awesome. Essential. And not like "It would be so nice to see each other!"; let's just actually see each other. I'll know my housing situation by November (at which point I will either have a new apartment with my own bedroom, or our current hallway will have a futon). Come to me or I'll come to you. You never knew me at 22. See me at 23!
Avoid anything with the signs of a fucked up emotional entanglement or clashing expectations. New friends, awesome. Friends with benefits, awesome. Boyfriend (only if it's because you want the man, not the relationship, although I'd be surprised at you if you suddenly turned all socially conditioned lovey-dovey on me), awesome. People who want something entirely different from what you want and want to give them and no happy medium is realistic: run screaming.
You're still learning your job. Learn faster and better.
And while you're at it, think about helping out a Wells Sister (man or woman; Wells Sister is not gendered, and not all Wells Students, man or woman, are automatically Sisters) with an internship.
Unless there is some terrible unforeseen expense you're going to have at 23 (bus-hitting-related physical therapy?), get your ass outside of the country for at least a week. Your vacation days start in 2007. Go get a stamp in that passport.
I love you, you know :) And I'm glad to have brought you with me.