Onwards and upwards
Right, so today... I'm feeling a bit better than I was about everything...
I had a really good talk with Benny this morning, which REALLY helped me... it was nice to get everything off my chest, although, I thought he'd the the last person that I was talking to about everything, especially as it's eating me up a little bit how things have gone between us... I miss him, A LOT, but I just want him to be happy... and I want myself to be happy too! but yeah, so that helped, he's a very very good listener which is what I liked about him in the first place and he's great at giving advice and making me feel a little bit better and more at ease, I know he's been through it so he's not just babbling shit in the hope that I shut up. So THANKS BENNY you've helped a lot more than you probably realise, it was such a big relief having a friend to talk to about everything, someone that won't judge me no matter what and someone so ace to me! It means a lot to me and I'm lucky to have a friend like you.
I'm starting to feel a little more positive about things, I was feeling a bit better yesterday, but now that natter has helped me to put things into perspective too!
I set myself goals for this year and fucking things up wasn't part of that!
So... what have I actually achieved this year? Well, I'm Veggie now, I'm so so proud of myself for following something through and sticking with it, regardless of people's ridicule and taunting and doubting me... Nobody thought that I would do it or stick to it, or even doubted my reasons for going Vegetarian in the first place, but I LOVE it now that I am.
I feel extremely proud of myself for sticking with something that I feel quite strongly about, I'm still learning about everything and I'm trying to find out more and more every day. I've cut out meat and gelatine, I won't buy leather or animal products anymore (although, I've always tried to avoid buying things tested on animals, but sometimes knowledge isn't something I have a lot of... I need to research things better before just buying them) I have cut out a lot of dairy aswell, although I definitely wouldn't class myself as Vegan, I think that's an insult to Vegans really, plus, Quorn gets me through the day and that contains egg and milk powder, but where possible i've replaced dairy with a Soya alternative... Falafel and Houmous are currently my life... they're SO SOOOOO delicious... I'm working through my Veggie recipe book, although I want to read it through and see if there's anything that I can make that's not overly hard, I have a habit of burning things... but yes, so I'm REALLY proud of that, I'm also looking into doing some charity work, perhaps a childrens charity or something similar... I'd love to live in an area where these things are a bit more accessible, but I'll definitely make time to do some charity work, i've been thinking about it for a LONG time, but I always get sidetracked with other things.
What else?
Well, I want to pass my driving test, so the first thing that I'm going to do when I get paid is rebook my theory, I passed first time last time but then I was lazy and it ran out, but I need to do this, I feel that if I drove so many more doors would be open to me and that'd be a massive help in my view!! :) Even if I can't afford a car right away, passing my test is the important part... rock on driving Carlee!! :)
I hate my job at the moment, it's dull and uninspiring, I've recently moved departments and I 'tolerated' it before, but now it's even worse, I want something that's a bit more of a challenge but that's going to motivate me to want to actually get out of bed in the mornings... but I guess when you have debts it difficult to be choosey, also, I want something where it doesn't matter what colour my hair is or if I have piercings or tattoos that the fact that I can do my job comes above all of that.
I'm quite enjoying working at the theatre though, it can be tiring doing two jobs, but I'm sure that come payday I'll not be whinging!! :) The people are pretty ace too!
I'm going to give up drinking for a while, not totally, i'm going to have whatever I feel like when I feel like, but I know that I can have an excellent night without drinking and I feel like I've been drinking for all of the wrong reasons lately, I stopped drinking completely at one point, I felt fitter and healthier and better in myself overall, but I started having a few now and again, which is fine, whereas now I feel totally rubbish whenever I have a drink, or I have a drink because I feel rubbish and in turn that makes me feel worse! It's time to start looking after my body a little more, my body is a temple and all of that, I'm looking into Yoga classes for weekends, when I'm not working, so hopefully I can get into that, and possibly meditation too, Kevin's been doing meditation and he says that it's really helping him and he feels generally better quite a lot, so maybe that'll help.
I'm cut up about the fact that my closest friend in Stoke has moved, but I do have other friends here still and i'll still see her, I just miss her already, funny little bugger.
I've decided to FINALLY have my side piece tat (down my ribs), I'm not certain on exactly what I want yet, I want it to be music related, I want it to be something personal extracting different ideas from tat's that i've seen that've inspired me to get a new tat, a bigger tat that i'd planned, I can't draw so I have to take inspiration from others, I'm going to get as many ideas as I can then speak to the tattooist and see if he can rustle something up that I love, I want something that looks awesome and cool and something that i'll never get bored of... my first tattoo I just saw and fell in love with and now four/five years on I love it still... so that's what else I want.
Here's a few of my ideas!! :)
I want the tape as a main part of the tat, I love that, I think it's extremely cool and it demonstrates my feelings for music... LOVE!! :D
Other awesome ideas that would be cool to incorportate, I love the red design at the top, it's a straight edge "XXX" tattoo, I also love the treble clef butterflies, these are very inspiring, they're pretty to look at and they incorporate the music theme that I want for my tattoo. A lot of the other ideas I just thought looked great and were colourful and bright which is how I want a lot of my tattoos to be, when I get around to getting them all.
I'm also going to get
on my wrist
and
and something else on my feet...
it means "Life is beautiful" I also want something else positive and perhaps also somewhere on my body i'd quite like
(Goddess of wisdom)
and
(Vegetarian) ...
I love Chinese writing, I'd love to have Japanese but these are far harder to find, hopefully I can start on these when I start my Japanese course.
and
and I thought these were awesome too, butterflies incorporating Kanji Symbols .. awesome! So lots of ideas, just got to put them all together and see where I end up, I'm determined now though to start doing all of the things that I love and to be happy, I'm determined to do to achieve the things that make me happy, I've always been strong willed but recently i've been slacking and letting things get me down, which is sooooo unlike me and I hate feeling like this.
I am going to do it, plus i've been listening to The Sign by Ace of Base (and yes, I know i've been a bit of an Ace of Base freak lately, but the words are very positive and I love them... see below.)
I am looking forward to summer, I looooooove summer! I love picnics under trees with awesome people and reading big long books on my picnic blanket while everyone else talks or sleeps, I love walks in the countryside and lakes and reservoirs, I love boat yards and beaches, I love camping and sitting under the stars while it's still warm having a drink with great company and talking until the wee hours. I'm looking forward to enjoying all of these things this year.
My time is now.
Smell ya later kiddies
A more positive Geekachu
xxxxxx
THE SIGN
I gotta new life
You would hardly recognize me I'm so glad
How could a person like me care for you
Why do I bother
When you're not the one for me
Oooo, is enough, enough
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong
Under the pale moon
For so many years I've wondered who you are
How can a person like you bring me joy
Under the pale moon
Where I see a lot of stars
Is enough, enough
I had a really good talk with Benny this morning, which REALLY helped me... it was nice to get everything off my chest, although, I thought he'd the the last person that I was talking to about everything, especially as it's eating me up a little bit how things have gone between us... I miss him, A LOT, but I just want him to be happy... and I want myself to be happy too! but yeah, so that helped, he's a very very good listener which is what I liked about him in the first place and he's great at giving advice and making me feel a little bit better and more at ease, I know he's been through it so he's not just babbling shit in the hope that I shut up. So THANKS BENNY you've helped a lot more than you probably realise, it was such a big relief having a friend to talk to about everything, someone that won't judge me no matter what and someone so ace to me! It means a lot to me and I'm lucky to have a friend like you.
I'm starting to feel a little more positive about things, I was feeling a bit better yesterday, but now that natter has helped me to put things into perspective too!
I set myself goals for this year and fucking things up wasn't part of that!
So... what have I actually achieved this year? Well, I'm Veggie now, I'm so so proud of myself for following something through and sticking with it, regardless of people's ridicule and taunting and doubting me... Nobody thought that I would do it or stick to it, or even doubted my reasons for going Vegetarian in the first place, but I LOVE it now that I am.
I feel extremely proud of myself for sticking with something that I feel quite strongly about, I'm still learning about everything and I'm trying to find out more and more every day. I've cut out meat and gelatine, I won't buy leather or animal products anymore (although, I've always tried to avoid buying things tested on animals, but sometimes knowledge isn't something I have a lot of... I need to research things better before just buying them) I have cut out a lot of dairy aswell, although I definitely wouldn't class myself as Vegan, I think that's an insult to Vegans really, plus, Quorn gets me through the day and that contains egg and milk powder, but where possible i've replaced dairy with a Soya alternative... Falafel and Houmous are currently my life... they're SO SOOOOO delicious... I'm working through my Veggie recipe book, although I want to read it through and see if there's anything that I can make that's not overly hard, I have a habit of burning things... but yes, so I'm REALLY proud of that, I'm also looking into doing some charity work, perhaps a childrens charity or something similar... I'd love to live in an area where these things are a bit more accessible, but I'll definitely make time to do some charity work, i've been thinking about it for a LONG time, but I always get sidetracked with other things.
What else?
Well, I want to pass my driving test, so the first thing that I'm going to do when I get paid is rebook my theory, I passed first time last time but then I was lazy and it ran out, but I need to do this, I feel that if I drove so many more doors would be open to me and that'd be a massive help in my view!! :) Even if I can't afford a car right away, passing my test is the important part... rock on driving Carlee!! :)
I hate my job at the moment, it's dull and uninspiring, I've recently moved departments and I 'tolerated' it before, but now it's even worse, I want something that's a bit more of a challenge but that's going to motivate me to want to actually get out of bed in the mornings... but I guess when you have debts it difficult to be choosey, also, I want something where it doesn't matter what colour my hair is or if I have piercings or tattoos that the fact that I can do my job comes above all of that.
I'm quite enjoying working at the theatre though, it can be tiring doing two jobs, but I'm sure that come payday I'll not be whinging!! :) The people are pretty ace too!
I'm going to give up drinking for a while, not totally, i'm going to have whatever I feel like when I feel like, but I know that I can have an excellent night without drinking and I feel like I've been drinking for all of the wrong reasons lately, I stopped drinking completely at one point, I felt fitter and healthier and better in myself overall, but I started having a few now and again, which is fine, whereas now I feel totally rubbish whenever I have a drink, or I have a drink because I feel rubbish and in turn that makes me feel worse! It's time to start looking after my body a little more, my body is a temple and all of that, I'm looking into Yoga classes for weekends, when I'm not working, so hopefully I can get into that, and possibly meditation too, Kevin's been doing meditation and he says that it's really helping him and he feels generally better quite a lot, so maybe that'll help.
I'm cut up about the fact that my closest friend in Stoke has moved, but I do have other friends here still and i'll still see her, I just miss her already, funny little bugger.
I've decided to FINALLY have my side piece tat (down my ribs), I'm not certain on exactly what I want yet, I want it to be music related, I want it to be something personal extracting different ideas from tat's that i've seen that've inspired me to get a new tat, a bigger tat that i'd planned, I can't draw so I have to take inspiration from others, I'm going to get as many ideas as I can then speak to the tattooist and see if he can rustle something up that I love, I want something that looks awesome and cool and something that i'll never get bored of... my first tattoo I just saw and fell in love with and now four/five years on I love it still... so that's what else I want.
Here's a few of my ideas!! :)
I want the tape as a main part of the tat, I love that, I think it's extremely cool and it demonstrates my feelings for music... LOVE!! :D
Other awesome ideas that would be cool to incorportate, I love the red design at the top, it's a straight edge "XXX" tattoo, I also love the treble clef butterflies, these are very inspiring, they're pretty to look at and they incorporate the music theme that I want for my tattoo. A lot of the other ideas I just thought looked great and were colourful and bright which is how I want a lot of my tattoos to be, when I get around to getting them all.
I'm also going to get
on my wrist
and
and something else on my feet...
it means "Life is beautiful" I also want something else positive and perhaps also somewhere on my body i'd quite like
(Goddess of wisdom)
and
(Vegetarian) ...
I love Chinese writing, I'd love to have Japanese but these are far harder to find, hopefully I can start on these when I start my Japanese course.
and
and I thought these were awesome too, butterflies incorporating Kanji Symbols .. awesome! So lots of ideas, just got to put them all together and see where I end up, I'm determined now though to start doing all of the things that I love and to be happy, I'm determined to do to achieve the things that make me happy, I've always been strong willed but recently i've been slacking and letting things get me down, which is sooooo unlike me and I hate feeling like this.
I am going to do it, plus i've been listening to The Sign by Ace of Base (and yes, I know i've been a bit of an Ace of Base freak lately, but the words are very positive and I love them... see below.)
I am looking forward to summer, I looooooove summer! I love picnics under trees with awesome people and reading big long books on my picnic blanket while everyone else talks or sleeps, I love walks in the countryside and lakes and reservoirs, I love boat yards and beaches, I love camping and sitting under the stars while it's still warm having a drink with great company and talking until the wee hours. I'm looking forward to enjoying all of these things this year.
My time is now.
Smell ya later kiddies
A more positive Geekachu
xxxxxx
THE SIGN
I gotta new life
You would hardly recognize me I'm so glad
How could a person like me care for you
Why do I bother
When you're not the one for me
Oooo, is enough, enough
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong
Under the pale moon
For so many years I've wondered who you are
How can a person like you bring me joy
Under the pale moon
Where I see a lot of stars
Is enough, enough