Moving on
Tonight I’m in my friend’s basement. It’s dark, early morning. My dog is resting at my feet. There’s a gentle rain outside. Earlier the night was beautiful, a mostly-full moon, hundreds of stars, and a warm breeze. I’m sipping on a passable blush. It’s quiet here, peaceful.
Life seems pretty good lately. I’ve made arrangements with my professor to restart research at my lab and finish my degree this summer. After nine months of doing next to nothing, I think this will be a welcome change. My divorce is finished. I’m looking for a sublease in Blacksburg. I’m moving on.
Again I get the strange sense that I have no real limits on what I can do. I’m considering what to do a PhD in now. I think I know what I wish to study. Now it’s just a matter of finding a program that suits me. I find it odd that, regardless of my apparent screw-ups in life, I’m still completely free to proceed with my life as I see fit, free of commitments and responsibilities that seem to weigh others down and limit their available choices.
Honestly I cannot empathize with someone that could be motivated to pursue a job or career they found dull or boring simply because it paid well. The very notion disturbs me deeply, to actively plan to trade the time of your life doing something unrewarding in exchange for money. Well, perhaps some people find reward in activities that I do not.
I am lonely. One would think that, given the hell of the last 15 months, I could find satisfaction in being productive and back on track again. And I do. However it is incomplete satisfaction. I am not content, at least not for any length of time. I am the most content I have been in a long while, but still I cannot help but feel a certain nagging incompleteness.
There are lots of girls here, lots of smart and beautiful women. What a change over Creedmoor. I’ve been in Blacksburg for two weeks now, and I already have some prospects. Still it troubles me that, without much doubt, I’ll be leaving here again in a few months. Perhaps it would be best to simply concentrate on work this summer and avoid relationships. That would be the logical course of action. I’ve considered this path in the past and it’s never worked out very well, but if I do come up empty this summer then at least I can say I planned it that way. :)