i'm having an emotionally shitty day
just when i think i have it all figured out i am reminded that i am just as clueless today as i was before. thank god i have a few events coming up, i will be running 6 miles this weekend and my sprint tri is on june 4 (1/2mi swim, 15 mi bike, 3 mi run)... that should be fun and hopefully all my friends will go too... otherwise it will just be me and shaner. today is khar's bday and although june is right around the corner, sometimes i feel like a complete stranger in her life. since she pays no attention to me its not really fair for me to say that she's into me, because clearly she's not... i dunno why i keep tellin myself that she loves me or that she is coming... or that she wants to be with me when she doesn't even care enough to pick up the phone and call me yet thanks to myspace i see how much time she spends talking to other people, leaving flirtatious comments, etc etc. gawd i'm so stupid sometimes, i will never learn. and if i can't trust her now how the hell am i supposed to trust her in person?? or ever? i must be in denial. cos if she doesn't know me by now or appreciate me or my undying effort, she will never understand what i'm about. and being able to love someone entirely and not picking and choosing which parts are better than others is what love is... and these days, trying only seems to be making things worse. dunno, can't wait for this summer... i finally made peace with heather and amy this weekend, and i realized that it really does take about 2 years for me to move on... which is really fuct up and it is probably a blessing that shane is leaving although it will suck without her since we spend all our time together and we've finally come to a point where we really understand each other... plus she has a new gf too who i really like alot... yeah it makes me happy to see the people that i love happy with other people and not me because obviously i am a relationship fuck up. dang if only i could find someone who cares about makin sure i am happy! shiiiaat, fo real! ...i used to think it was too much to ask of people or that it was a privlege, but now i realize i deserve no less. seriously, i need to see some action.