calm after the storm
now i am sitting here in my chair, after very nearly causing a disaster that surely would have affected
a friendship
my tenancy here
my credit rating
my going to heaven/hell status
and i have only my downstairs neighbor, whose friendship i can only describe as a roller-coaster at times, to thank for being so easy-going about it all. but in the wake of this, i feel small, and stupid, and clumsy. in my usual frantic dash around the house, going from thing to thing, i had left the water running in the sink and flooded both our kitchens. it very nearly was a disaster, and i think only the odd way that it drained down, and my neighbor's having caught it quickly enough prevented it from being worse. but his reaction could have quite reasonably been much less carefree. rather, after the flood, he got out and washed both our cars. i'm frantically trying to assess damage in his kitchen and see if i can be sure his appliances are okay, and he's telling me to go upstairs and worry about my own kitchen.
and now i feel so stupid and clumsy with life. how carelessly i float through it. how almost impossible at times it seems to me to even take care of myself: i don't have a job, my car is seemingly always a mess, my friendships ebb and flow between love and hate, i haven't managed to date in over two years, and i'm a walking disaster. it was one thing when it was running into something in the dark at my parents' house and making a noise, but another to cause a needless flood and nearly cost myself a lawsuit and an eviction, if not for the downstairs neighbor being a friend and choosing to let me off easy. but this isn't going to be my cushion to fall upon forever. how can i ever manage to survive in a world when i can barely walk down the street without falling in a manhole?
i feel small, like a spec of dust in the universe, or a spec of dust on a spec of dust rather... clumsily trying to get nowhere, because i don't know where i'm going.
"...i'm now like a restless wind inside a letter box;
they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.."
and just now, i spill tomato soup all over my new rug and have to pull it out and soak in in the kitchen sink, praying it won't be ruined! i'm hopeless! i ruin everything! i feel so stupid and helpless and fucking clumsy, and someday i'm going to stumble my way out of life, which is the very reason why i shouldn't be driving an automobile. i feel like such a loser, such a helpless little boy in a big world that i can't cope with anymore (if i ever did).
i can't just patch things up forever... i can't keep buying expensive bottles of wine to apologize to people for my clumsiness. one of these days it's going to hit me, and i'm going to be in big trouble, and then what will i do? i won't have my parents to run to, or extra college funds to pay out; i won't have my buddhist friend to fall back on; i won't be able to get by with people saying "oh, he's just a crazy artistic genius so who cares if he accidentally starts fires and floods and accidents", because i'm not--i don't even try to be artistic anymore because i'm too busy trying to put out fires (and floods).
i'll just be fucked.
a friendship
my tenancy here
my credit rating
my going to heaven/hell status
and i have only my downstairs neighbor, whose friendship i can only describe as a roller-coaster at times, to thank for being so easy-going about it all. but in the wake of this, i feel small, and stupid, and clumsy. in my usual frantic dash around the house, going from thing to thing, i had left the water running in the sink and flooded both our kitchens. it very nearly was a disaster, and i think only the odd way that it drained down, and my neighbor's having caught it quickly enough prevented it from being worse. but his reaction could have quite reasonably been much less carefree. rather, after the flood, he got out and washed both our cars. i'm frantically trying to assess damage in his kitchen and see if i can be sure his appliances are okay, and he's telling me to go upstairs and worry about my own kitchen.
and now i feel so stupid and clumsy with life. how carelessly i float through it. how almost impossible at times it seems to me to even take care of myself: i don't have a job, my car is seemingly always a mess, my friendships ebb and flow between love and hate, i haven't managed to date in over two years, and i'm a walking disaster. it was one thing when it was running into something in the dark at my parents' house and making a noise, but another to cause a needless flood and nearly cost myself a lawsuit and an eviction, if not for the downstairs neighbor being a friend and choosing to let me off easy. but this isn't going to be my cushion to fall upon forever. how can i ever manage to survive in a world when i can barely walk down the street without falling in a manhole?
i feel small, like a spec of dust in the universe, or a spec of dust on a spec of dust rather... clumsily trying to get nowhere, because i don't know where i'm going.
"...i'm now like a restless wind inside a letter box;
they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.."
and just now, i spill tomato soup all over my new rug and have to pull it out and soak in in the kitchen sink, praying it won't be ruined! i'm hopeless! i ruin everything! i feel so stupid and helpless and fucking clumsy, and someday i'm going to stumble my way out of life, which is the very reason why i shouldn't be driving an automobile. i feel like such a loser, such a helpless little boy in a big world that i can't cope with anymore (if i ever did).
i can't just patch things up forever... i can't keep buying expensive bottles of wine to apologize to people for my clumsiness. one of these days it's going to hit me, and i'm going to be in big trouble, and then what will i do? i won't have my parents to run to, or extra college funds to pay out; i won't have my buddhist friend to fall back on; i won't be able to get by with people saying "oh, he's just a crazy artistic genius so who cares if he accidentally starts fires and floods and accidents", because i'm not--i don't even try to be artistic anymore because i'm too busy trying to put out fires (and floods).
i'll just be fucked.