its been forever

[bineinverlie]

I've ended up here, posting this, in a desperate need of expression. I am so incredably dissatisfied with "the college experience" it is fucking pathetic. I hate this shit words cannot articulate. I want to learn i, but this fucking school, sfsu, is killing my spirit. Every day I dream of not being where i am, being somewhere i've been. I get depressed that i'm not standing on the crest of wayna picchu, quite possibly the most amazing place on the planet; i'm not hiking the hiking the john muir trail stopping to admire the vista of 1000 island lake and banner peak; i can't stand that i'm not biking up some grueling hill in big sur armed with my bicycle, tent, sleeping bag, and good company; i would kill to lose my virginity again; i'm not at my first concert right now; i'm not experienceing my first kiss; i'm not feeling the asphalt graze my knee as i'm fully leaned over on my motorcycle getting onto the 5 south on the banked onramp on Lake Forrest drive; i'm not driving to canada with my best friends; i'm not disobeying every nanogram of instinct in my viens and saying 'fuck it' and jumping off a 50 foot waterfall in costa rica; i'd die to relive the beautiful immature moments of throwing smoke bombs on pacific park at 1am while hiding in bushes; i'm not freezing my ass off riding out to fucking ontario for race nights and stirring up races and attempting wheelies because none of the rice rockets are doing anthing... that was then. I'm fucking dying living in the present. If i had a shitty past, the shitty present wouldn't be so bad, but i blame my fucking epic past for my epic misery. All the good things i have now i hardly appreciate because my standards are so rediculiously high. Back home i have a line of friends waiting to hang out and chill in any parking lot or at any sketchy uninhabbited beach. All this good i have isn't good enough. I have to go backpacking solo because i have no one to go with. Imagine that. GOing somewhere to find solitude for fun, but going solo... I've never felt so lonely. I wish i could relive telling stupid spontaneous jokes to my ex's and them not getting it. I have no reliable meaningful social connections in life right now. I have a girlfriend who i feel would do anything for me and sincerely truly deeply completely loves me, but i don't feel like that's good enough...? what the fuck is wrong with me? maybe because its because i doubt my reciprocation of those feelings/sincerity? fuck. I need adventure, i need constant change, i need good company, which i don't have. THis is brain puke. I can't study, becasue all's i can do is be overwhelmed with my discontent and wish i was somewhere else. I think i'm very psychologically stable, but i've seen too much cool shit and experienced too much cool shit too quick in life. I sat and watched the sunset for the first time last week in a very very long time, but i didn't really care. What the fuck?? Wait until responsibility starts piling up, that will be a glorious day. Its so incredible that -good- stuff in life is the source for my utter disappointment and the fact i'm not reliving it. i need help getting through this shit.

I guess this is growing up and it fucking sucks.