(no subject)
So frankly Im over it. Trying sucks and so does my life. Wah wah Im so god damned emo its pathetic. So on tuesday I attempt to take a mental health day. Go shopping and spend my pay check on myself for once. Indulge in luscious new fall attire, get manicure and pedicure, and search all of palm desert for the black steve madden shoes Ive been coveting since forever. So its no surprise it all blows up in my face.. this is MY life right? My great grandma has a heart attack and goes to the hospital. 6 in the morning and Im on my way to Brea. It was so hard to say goodbye.. the doctors said it was a matter of hours. I love her so much. She took me in when my mother went to prison and cared for me like no one ever had. I had never known a life so simple, beautiful, pure. My time in the tiny but charming M-B horse ranch on a small dirt road in Woodcrest was the best time of my whole life. She never shouted, never cursed at us, never hit or drank too much. Nothing like my mother and I was out of my element. My Grammy Lu was crafty and sharp as a tac. She was patient with warm eyes. She drank her coffee black and smelled of lavender and fresh hay. She collected butterflies and books and was gracious and stubborn. She was strict and tender. She was the best "mom" I ever had.
She was kind hearted with a poetic mind. She was the BEST human being Ive ever known to exist in my time on this earth and I had to let her die. Im just sick with heartache. Ive never felt so fucking helpless. So I decide to stay at her apartment to help my grandma with everything. Make phonecalls and organize, throw out, and give away my Grammy's life. I just stood in the middle of all her bobbles and boxes and trinkets.. butterfly pins and costume jewelry.. hand crafted mosaics and old knit sweaters. Pictures and books and pieces of her life. I couldnt believe we had to dismantle her life. She loved her books and trinkets so much. It just kills me. So I had to get out and I was going to leave for Alex's.. I felt guilty about leaving with so much to be done but I felt obligated to go spend time with Alex since it was our year anniversary. All this time it had seemed so utterly important.. but in light of recent events.. I dont know all I want to do is cry.. maybe its just all I can do. Its just so hard.
I had to clear out Poppins' voicemail box, it was so full of messages of condolances and updates.. so Im clearing out the "If theres anything I can do..."s and the "Im so sorry for your loss.."es when I hear my Grammy's voice.. a message from the day before. She was just calling back because they were disconnected. "Hi Merrilyn, its Momma." Oh God I just lost it. She was JUST here you know? Just having a "can you here me now?" moment like the rest of us. I love her so much. She just cant be gone. You here it so often. Your co-worker's great aunt that got cancer.. your neighbor's grandpa that succombed to respiratory failure. We are so decensitized to it all. Maybe because they were elderly.. it made them less of a tradegy. Well its not. Its doesnt hurt any less to me. It didnt hurt any less to see my grandma tell her mother to "tell daddy I love him" to her dying mother. Her age didnt prevent me from running back to her room to hug her "just one last time" over and over. It didnt make it any less hard to tell her how grateful I was for everything she did for me and how much I loved her and always would.
Maybe Ill write more later. I just dont feel up to it anymore.
She was kind hearted with a poetic mind. She was the BEST human being Ive ever known to exist in my time on this earth and I had to let her die. Im just sick with heartache. Ive never felt so fucking helpless. So I decide to stay at her apartment to help my grandma with everything. Make phonecalls and organize, throw out, and give away my Grammy's life. I just stood in the middle of all her bobbles and boxes and trinkets.. butterfly pins and costume jewelry.. hand crafted mosaics and old knit sweaters. Pictures and books and pieces of her life. I couldnt believe we had to dismantle her life. She loved her books and trinkets so much. It just kills me. So I had to get out and I was going to leave for Alex's.. I felt guilty about leaving with so much to be done but I felt obligated to go spend time with Alex since it was our year anniversary. All this time it had seemed so utterly important.. but in light of recent events.. I dont know all I want to do is cry.. maybe its just all I can do. Its just so hard.
I had to clear out Poppins' voicemail box, it was so full of messages of condolances and updates.. so Im clearing out the "If theres anything I can do..."s and the "Im so sorry for your loss.."es when I hear my Grammy's voice.. a message from the day before. She was just calling back because they were disconnected. "Hi Merrilyn, its Momma." Oh God I just lost it. She was JUST here you know? Just having a "can you here me now?" moment like the rest of us. I love her so much. She just cant be gone. You here it so often. Your co-worker's great aunt that got cancer.. your neighbor's grandpa that succombed to respiratory failure. We are so decensitized to it all. Maybe because they were elderly.. it made them less of a tradegy. Well its not. Its doesnt hurt any less to me. It didnt hurt any less to see my grandma tell her mother to "tell daddy I love him" to her dying mother. Her age didnt prevent me from running back to her room to hug her "just one last time" over and over. It didnt make it any less hard to tell her how grateful I was for everything she did for me and how much I loved her and always would.
Maybe Ill write more later. I just dont feel up to it anymore.