officially
tired of feeling like i'm just someone to pass the time with, who has nothing better to do than sit in the background.
tired of feeling like i can't talk to you. afraid of saying something you just won't care about or that you will disagree with. or won't really take seriously.
sick of your iphone and internet obsession that you "break up" with periodic 2 minute hugs so it seems like you are giving me attention.
when all is said and done, do we really have anything worth keeping? because i'm trying to hold on and find a reason. i feel like you would know me better if i had a twitter or flickr or website or was part of a chatroom etc. etc. sure. i understand your work is your passion and it's what you do and love, and i admire that about you. but our time together is constantly underlined with your itch to get to your computer and i just can't compete with that. and i really don't want to compete with that. i try to be understanding about it and i try to let it go. sometimes it's fine and it doesn't bother me, like when you are working and i can be working or reading too. but when i'm sitting in your apartment for hours, wanting to spend time with you, to know you, for you to know me, to give you affection, and all i get is a sympathy hug or kiss every 30 or 40 minutes (only after i sigh or look at you from the couch), i start to wonder how much more of this i want to, or can, deal with. when we went to bed last night and i couldn't sleep because i was anxious, your iphone roaming surely did not help calm me down or make me feel like you cared. and when we wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is run to your desk to check your precious email or site visits or whatever it is, that doesn't make me feel too good either. i've brought it up before, apparently to no avail, and now, i just don't know what else to do but get away from you sometimes.
i really do try to be a good sport. and i think i'm a fair person. i truly don't think that if it wasn't a problem, i would be this upset. and continuously at that. i feel like i want to cry and scream at the same time. and yes, i really question my rationality. you said once, what else would we do? how is it any different than if i had a book in my hand instead of a computer? well, it wouldn't be any different. it would still be me hoping to be the chosen object of your affection.
i hate feeling like when im not around, or decide to leave, you are probably just fine with that because you can be alone with your computer. even when you know i'm upset about something, you don't try to find out what's wrong. you don't ask. how am i supposed to be able to talk to you when it's like this?
i respect you and what you do. but you don't know when to draw the line, and it hurts. work is one thing. a relationship is another. it's not, hey come hang out with me while i'm on the computer 90% of the time. not to mention you are on it all day at work! i can't even tell you this to your face because you just won't understand. i truly think you need to be with a girl who is as obsessed with the computer as you, because i can't compete. i just can't. i don't know. maybe it's me who doesn't understand.
there are so many things about you that i adore, but lately, i don't even have the luxury of enjoying them for longer than 15 minute periods. i feel like a whiney child when i have to ask for your attention. i feel like it's always what you want. because i just want to make you happy. do you want to make me happy at all?
i just want to feel like, or rather, know, that we have a reason to be together. a real reason. i don't want to be someone to pass the time with. i want someone to love me. i want to love someone. i want to be able to be myself. i want to feel just as, if not more, important than your computer and your social network...your livelihood...all of the time.
maybe i'm not. and if i'm not, i need out.
the worst part is, i'm afraid to show you the magnitude of effect this has on me, because i really don't want to lose you.
tired of feeling like i can't talk to you. afraid of saying something you just won't care about or that you will disagree with. or won't really take seriously.
sick of your iphone and internet obsession that you "break up" with periodic 2 minute hugs so it seems like you are giving me attention.
when all is said and done, do we really have anything worth keeping? because i'm trying to hold on and find a reason. i feel like you would know me better if i had a twitter or flickr or website or was part of a chatroom etc. etc. sure. i understand your work is your passion and it's what you do and love, and i admire that about you. but our time together is constantly underlined with your itch to get to your computer and i just can't compete with that. and i really don't want to compete with that. i try to be understanding about it and i try to let it go. sometimes it's fine and it doesn't bother me, like when you are working and i can be working or reading too. but when i'm sitting in your apartment for hours, wanting to spend time with you, to know you, for you to know me, to give you affection, and all i get is a sympathy hug or kiss every 30 or 40 minutes (only after i sigh or look at you from the couch), i start to wonder how much more of this i want to, or can, deal with. when we went to bed last night and i couldn't sleep because i was anxious, your iphone roaming surely did not help calm me down or make me feel like you cared. and when we wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is run to your desk to check your precious email or site visits or whatever it is, that doesn't make me feel too good either. i've brought it up before, apparently to no avail, and now, i just don't know what else to do but get away from you sometimes.
i really do try to be a good sport. and i think i'm a fair person. i truly don't think that if it wasn't a problem, i would be this upset. and continuously at that. i feel like i want to cry and scream at the same time. and yes, i really question my rationality. you said once, what else would we do? how is it any different than if i had a book in my hand instead of a computer? well, it wouldn't be any different. it would still be me hoping to be the chosen object of your affection.
i hate feeling like when im not around, or decide to leave, you are probably just fine with that because you can be alone with your computer. even when you know i'm upset about something, you don't try to find out what's wrong. you don't ask. how am i supposed to be able to talk to you when it's like this?
i respect you and what you do. but you don't know when to draw the line, and it hurts. work is one thing. a relationship is another. it's not, hey come hang out with me while i'm on the computer 90% of the time. not to mention you are on it all day at work! i can't even tell you this to your face because you just won't understand. i truly think you need to be with a girl who is as obsessed with the computer as you, because i can't compete. i just can't. i don't know. maybe it's me who doesn't understand.
there are so many things about you that i adore, but lately, i don't even have the luxury of enjoying them for longer than 15 minute periods. i feel like a whiney child when i have to ask for your attention. i feel like it's always what you want. because i just want to make you happy. do you want to make me happy at all?
i just want to feel like, or rather, know, that we have a reason to be together. a real reason. i don't want to be someone to pass the time with. i want someone to love me. i want to love someone. i want to be able to be myself. i want to feel just as, if not more, important than your computer and your social network...your livelihood...all of the time.
maybe i'm not. and if i'm not, i need out.
the worst part is, i'm afraid to show you the magnitude of effect this has on me, because i really don't want to lose you.