(no subject)
so last night I found out de was having sex with the firefighter dude up in jersey. he was the guy who tried to be the "telephone badass". I don't know how that makes me feel. you don't want to think about someone you love ever doing that with someone else, obviously. the issue I have with it is that she wrote that she did it somewhere where she knew I would see it. joe of course says it was obviously malicious and she is just trying to keep me torn up about things. maybe he's right.. I asked her that, she said she didn't think about it. I want to believe her. I always just really wanted to believe in her and everything she said when we were together, and I still do. even though logic seems to always be against her in those times. I always just wanted to think she was just nieve about things, even when everyone around me was saying something different. it was because I loved her. you just don't want to think that about someone you love. after I quit talking to her, I started playing the what if game. I mean, what if when we were together at first she would have never showed some guy her tits, kissed some guy, had guys lay next to her in bed, tried to pressure me into things, and all the other things. I would have never been so bitter and almost subconcsiously pushing things not to work. she was willing to work on things then, and I couldn't tell because of what happened in the relationship before. we would have never got in that fight where she called me ugly and then I would have never in turn said all that harsh stuff to her right after she said that. we'd still be together, she wouldn't hate me and I'd still be doing all the stupid cute things that I used to do for her. you can play what ifs all day though, you can't do that.. what if an asteroid fell out of the sky and killed everyone tomorrow. the biggest thing that gets me is that she hates me, due to the time period that I was bitter about things. at least she told me that she hates me. that makes me want to just go back into my old ways and never bother talking to anyone or dealing with anything social at all.. just wait to disappear. can't she see that I was bitter because of what she did before? I loved her and I felt like she was constantly walking on me. I just wish things would have been different, because even if she hates me on some level.. I still love her