(no subject)
so joe and I had a party last saturday for his birthday.. about 20 something people were there.. small crowd but most of them were friends which is actually way more ideal. johnny was being pretty annoying. the way he picks up chicks is to basically be overly persistant and even a little intimidating hoping they'll just give in. I was talking to this girl lisa, who happens to be a stripper at a place called pts, and johnny came up behind me and tried to bear hug me. I pushed him off me and just laughed it off. he was trying to get in her pants all night and she completely wasn't into him. seriously though, how old does a person have to be to figure out that doesn't work on girls after the 6th grade. oh well, we all had a pretty good time. I started drinking way too earlier with an empty stomach so I puked around 10 and crashed. unfortunately after that someone showed up that I was wanting to hang out with. always next weekend I guess... I had to tell de something important today that she wanted the answer to. so I called and left a message.. she called back and I told her the answer. now keep in mind I thought we were getting along pretty well. she told me about a family friend last week and how he was going to one of the forest fires. she kept saying how worried she was and how much she missed him. I told her that it'd be okay, it's what he's trained for and he probably knows how to handle himself. then she went into how he's one of the top firefighters in the country, ect ect. I didn't really think about it at the time but now I found out from de that he's a young guy and de's little sister told her something important about her sexuality... because her little sister thought they were going to possibly get together.. why does it matter? keep in mind, de told me this. also keep in mind that everytime I just try to talk to de and have a conversation with her she has to talk about some guy, when it wasn't this sonny guy it was that jeff guy. a couple times she would just insert random comments about the one guy when the conversation had nothing to do with anything she was talking about. it seems like she wants me to get jealous or keep me torn up. if that's true, it's probably because it makes her feel better about herself on some small level that she'd never admit to. just like her randomly asking if I've had sex with anyone then quickly following it with "I don't care though".. well if you didn't care, then why did you ask. I told her the next day that I hadn't. I thought that if I told her, it would make her feel better about things if she did still care. I could have played a game and just lead her to believe I was doing someone, but I'm just honest. games games and more games.. I'm tired of games. I was thinking that if the important thing was different than the good thing that it turned into, that I'd still tell her that it was the good thing regardless. that way a burden wouldn't be on her either way, but I ended up not having to lie to her. I feel different aboutthe feelings I was still holding onto with her. I almost think that she never felt that much for me at all. which takes me a step back and makes me wonder why I felt so much for her. I know that I truly did love her and would have stuck right with her until we were little old people in mcdonands one day. I don't know what she ever felt for me at this point. I'd really like to believe that there was something special there, because I still want her to be an important person to me. someone I love and will always be there for no matter what she needs. I don't know if I can keep that feeling though, because I don't think she can feel that way at all with an ex. I know that I'd like to be wrong about everything I wrote in this entry that has to do with her, but I don't think I am........ we're having another little get together at my house. I'm going to have an overly promiscuous weekend thanks to that good thing. I'm in a pretty damn good mood all and all. I'm looking forward to this weekend. well, I have people yelling at me to go to the movies with them so that's the end of this entry.