What in the devil.........!
I was watching the news the other day and saw a story about a 70 year old lady who hid a knife in a teddy bear in an attempt to try and stab her granddaughter. Let's hear it for crazy old people!
Anyway this crazy old bag said she did it because "the devil told her to".
The whole story just reminded me of the time the devil spoke to me. Yep, I remember I was sitting in the library when the devil appeared before me with his silly little horns and his little red pitchfork. He had on his usual outfit - a tight red liatard with heavy duty black leather boots - always a very sheik look if you ask me.
So I'm sitting there at the libary and the devil points to a little girl across the room and says, "Stab her with a knife".
Then POOF! (I love onimonopea!) the knife appeared before me out of thin air.
The devil repeated his first comment, "Stab her with a knife".
Sounds easy, right? Plus, who doesn't listen to everything the devil tells them too, right?
There was one minor problem. Because I have a short attention span and generally don't pay attention to what most people say to me, I thought the devil said, "Run around naked and play the fife".
Strange, I know. But it was the devil and I couldn't say no. So I took my fife out of my backpack (I always carry one with me, a fife that is) and ripped my clothes off as fast as possible and started playing a wicked version of "Secret Agent Man" on my fife.
As you can imagine the library patrons didn't take to kindly to my little "incident".
After I calmly explained to the police that the devil had told me to do it, they understood fully and let me go with just a warning.
So a couple days later, the devil again appeared before me and said I quote "owed him one" for the little mixup in the library, I apologized and asked him how I could make it up to him. I mean you don't want to be on the devil's "shit list", right?
The devil thought for a minute and then said, "Assassinate President Bush!!".
But I wasn't really paying attention because when he was talking I was busy watching the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge - The Inferno" because I just love all of the witty characters on that show. So I'm trying to watch Trishelle and Coral have a fight, and the devil's just blabbing on and on about some crap.
I nodded and acted like I was paying attention, but I really wasn't. So I thought the devil said "Marinate a fish sandwich".
I thought it was a little strange but I did it anyone because the devil and I are "boyz" and I did "owe him one".
When the devil returned a few days later, I showed him the fish sandwich I was marinating and asked him what to do now.
"Ï said "Assassinate President Bush", you idiot!" the devil screamed.
I couldn't believe the devil was being such a douchebag.
He kept screaming and screaming about some sort of crap, but I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy eating my soggy fish sandwich, I think he said a bunch of stuff about being being "incompetent" and stuff.
But he's totally wrong, my sperm count is just fine there's no way I'm "incompetent"!
What a jerk!
So what's the moral of this story? It's simple......It's okay to listen to the devil but it's just always a little better if you don't do EXACTLY what he tells you to. At least that's my experience.
Afterthought - In the movie "Dogma", God is played by Alanis Morrisette. But in that movie with Brendan Fraser (I don't remember the name) the Devil is played by Elizabeth Hurley.
If the devil looks like Liz Hurley and God looks like Alanis, well, I might be a little tempted to go to hell. Just a thought.
Afterthought of the Afterthought - In "Little Nicky" Reese Witherspoon played God. If God looks like Reese Witherspoon then I'm willing to bet that in the movie theaters in Heaven they show "Legally Blonde" 24 hours a day.
Anyway this crazy old bag said she did it because "the devil told her to".
The whole story just reminded me of the time the devil spoke to me. Yep, I remember I was sitting in the library when the devil appeared before me with his silly little horns and his little red pitchfork. He had on his usual outfit - a tight red liatard with heavy duty black leather boots - always a very sheik look if you ask me.
So I'm sitting there at the libary and the devil points to a little girl across the room and says, "Stab her with a knife".
Then POOF! (I love onimonopea!) the knife appeared before me out of thin air.
The devil repeated his first comment, "Stab her with a knife".
Sounds easy, right? Plus, who doesn't listen to everything the devil tells them too, right?
There was one minor problem. Because I have a short attention span and generally don't pay attention to what most people say to me, I thought the devil said, "Run around naked and play the fife".
Strange, I know. But it was the devil and I couldn't say no. So I took my fife out of my backpack (I always carry one with me, a fife that is) and ripped my clothes off as fast as possible and started playing a wicked version of "Secret Agent Man" on my fife.
As you can imagine the library patrons didn't take to kindly to my little "incident".
After I calmly explained to the police that the devil had told me to do it, they understood fully and let me go with just a warning.
So a couple days later, the devil again appeared before me and said I quote "owed him one" for the little mixup in the library, I apologized and asked him how I could make it up to him. I mean you don't want to be on the devil's "shit list", right?
The devil thought for a minute and then said, "Assassinate President Bush!!".
But I wasn't really paying attention because when he was talking I was busy watching the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge - The Inferno" because I just love all of the witty characters on that show. So I'm trying to watch Trishelle and Coral have a fight, and the devil's just blabbing on and on about some crap.
I nodded and acted like I was paying attention, but I really wasn't. So I thought the devil said "Marinate a fish sandwich".
I thought it was a little strange but I did it anyone because the devil and I are "boyz" and I did "owe him one".
When the devil returned a few days later, I showed him the fish sandwich I was marinating and asked him what to do now.
"Ï said "Assassinate President Bush", you idiot!" the devil screamed.
I couldn't believe the devil was being such a douchebag.
He kept screaming and screaming about some sort of crap, but I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy eating my soggy fish sandwich, I think he said a bunch of stuff about being being "incompetent" and stuff.
But he's totally wrong, my sperm count is just fine there's no way I'm "incompetent"!
What a jerk!
So what's the moral of this story? It's simple......It's okay to listen to the devil but it's just always a little better if you don't do EXACTLY what he tells you to. At least that's my experience.
Afterthought - In the movie "Dogma", God is played by Alanis Morrisette. But in that movie with Brendan Fraser (I don't remember the name) the Devil is played by Elizabeth Hurley.
If the devil looks like Liz Hurley and God looks like Alanis, well, I might be a little tempted to go to hell. Just a thought.
Afterthought of the Afterthought - In "Little Nicky" Reese Witherspoon played God. If God looks like Reese Witherspoon then I'm willing to bet that in the movie theaters in Heaven they show "Legally Blonde" 24 hours a day.