(no subject)
What a hectic week it's been!
Ever since I started writing this Live Journal the media and the press have been all over me like vultures. They just all want a piece of me.
So I'm in New York yesterday hangin' with some of my crew (Pitt, Conan, DeNiro, etc,etc) when who of all people do I run into on my way to get a burrito?
No, not Larry King. (I already did that journal entry. If you missed it scroll down.)
So who.......?
David Letterman!!!
Yeah, I couldn't believe it. (And neither should you)
Yep, there I am walking down the street, when suddenly someone sneaks up behind me and covers my eyes with their hands and says, "Guess WHO?!?!"
Still in shock I struggled to answer, "Uh.....um....errr.....", I hadn't the foggiest idea who it could be, ".....can you give me a HINT?" I asked.
"Uhhhhhhh......you got any gum?" the voice responded.
"Letterman, you silly bastard!", I exclaimed.
I turned around and saw that it was my good buddy Dave and his musical sidekick (and all-around jackass) Paul Schaeffer. Schaeffer was doing what he ALWAYS does, following 3 feet behind Letts and repeating every goddamn thing he says.
"So what the hell you doin' here" Dave asked, as he punched me in the shoulder a wee bit too hard like he always does whenever he asks me a question.
"I'm on my way to get a burrito. What the hell does it look like?" I said sarcastically. "Want to join me, asshole?" I asked.
"No way Jose. Burritos give me gas." said Letterman. "Yeah, gas. They give him gas" Schaeffer repeated as though he were Dustin Hoffman in "Rainman".
"Actually, I'm in a hurry." said Dave, "Paul and I gotta go give Starr Jones a backrub." "Backrub, definitely a backrub", Paul muttered.
"What....?" I gasped.
"Yep we lost a bet." Dave explained.
"A bet?" I asked.
"Yeah, Paul and I bet the girls on "The View" that we could beat Starr in a hot dog eating contest." Dave explained. "It was the two of us versus JUST Starr, and well....she kicked our butts pretty good. Who knew a woman could possibly eat THAT many hot dogs?"
"Yea, Starr Jones, who knew?" Paul repeated.
"Anyway, I'm pretty pissed at you," Dave added. "I can't believe that you let that old fart King do a guest spot in your journal before me! I thought we were buds?"
"Dude, King cornered me man, you know how he is. I was creeped out. I couldn't say NO." I explained. "I'm sorry. Let's just say I owe you one."
"That's fair, bro." D Letts said. "So how 'bout you make it up to me?"
"Okay.......how?" I asked.
"Top 10 list, your Live Journal, ASAP!" Dave proclaimed.
"Dave.....?" I said hesitantly.
"Come on fucker, you OWE me!" Dave reminded me.
"Yeah, you owe him" Paul muttered from the distance.
"Alright, alright." I agreed. "Okay, make it a Top 5 List AND.......only if Shaeffer lets me use "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls royalty-free on my next reggae-polka club mix CD." I demanded. (FYI - Paul Schaeffer wrote "It's Raining Men". Don't believe me? Google it!)
"Deal!" said Dave. "....yeah, deal!" Paul added.
Just then Dave looked down at his watch and said, "Shit Paul, it's 3:20.......if we don't make it to Starr Jones' house by 3:30 we're gonna owe Barbara Walters a full body oil massage!"
And with that the two of them took off running and I went about my business. Except all of the sudden I had lost my craving for a burrito. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about hot dogs. (Or Starr Jones naked, for that matter.)
So here it is. A Top 5 list you'll only find here courtesy of David Letterman. (Swear to God)
Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 5 Reasons Why You Should Read This Live Journal Everyday
5. Let's be serious......You really don't have anything better to do.
4. Dr. Phil says it's a good way to get in touch with your "inner child".
3. Live Journal? Oh, I thought you said "Jive Liberal"..........oops!
2. What else you gonna do? Watch that idiot Jay Leno?
1. To make sure you get your 100% Daily Requirement of Stupidity
Ever since I started writing this Live Journal the media and the press have been all over me like vultures. They just all want a piece of me.
So I'm in New York yesterday hangin' with some of my crew (Pitt, Conan, DeNiro, etc,etc) when who of all people do I run into on my way to get a burrito?
No, not Larry King. (I already did that journal entry. If you missed it scroll down.)
So who.......?
David Letterman!!!
Yeah, I couldn't believe it. (And neither should you)
Yep, there I am walking down the street, when suddenly someone sneaks up behind me and covers my eyes with their hands and says, "Guess WHO?!?!"
Still in shock I struggled to answer, "Uh.....um....errr.....", I hadn't the foggiest idea who it could be, ".....can you give me a HINT?" I asked.
"Uhhhhhhh......you got any gum?" the voice responded.
"Letterman, you silly bastard!", I exclaimed.
I turned around and saw that it was my good buddy Dave and his musical sidekick (and all-around jackass) Paul Schaeffer. Schaeffer was doing what he ALWAYS does, following 3 feet behind Letts and repeating every goddamn thing he says.
"So what the hell you doin' here" Dave asked, as he punched me in the shoulder a wee bit too hard like he always does whenever he asks me a question.
"I'm on my way to get a burrito. What the hell does it look like?" I said sarcastically. "Want to join me, asshole?" I asked.
"No way Jose. Burritos give me gas." said Letterman. "Yeah, gas. They give him gas" Schaeffer repeated as though he were Dustin Hoffman in "Rainman".
"Actually, I'm in a hurry." said Dave, "Paul and I gotta go give Starr Jones a backrub." "Backrub, definitely a backrub", Paul muttered.
"What....?" I gasped.
"Yep we lost a bet." Dave explained.
"A bet?" I asked.
"Yeah, Paul and I bet the girls on "The View" that we could beat Starr in a hot dog eating contest." Dave explained. "It was the two of us versus JUST Starr, and well....she kicked our butts pretty good. Who knew a woman could possibly eat THAT many hot dogs?"
"Yea, Starr Jones, who knew?" Paul repeated.
"Anyway, I'm pretty pissed at you," Dave added. "I can't believe that you let that old fart King do a guest spot in your journal before me! I thought we were buds?"
"Dude, King cornered me man, you know how he is. I was creeped out. I couldn't say NO." I explained. "I'm sorry. Let's just say I owe you one."
"That's fair, bro." D Letts said. "So how 'bout you make it up to me?"
"Okay.......how?" I asked.
"Top 10 list, your Live Journal, ASAP!" Dave proclaimed.
"Dave.....?" I said hesitantly.
"Come on fucker, you OWE me!" Dave reminded me.
"Yeah, you owe him" Paul muttered from the distance.
"Alright, alright." I agreed. "Okay, make it a Top 5 List AND.......only if Shaeffer lets me use "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls royalty-free on my next reggae-polka club mix CD." I demanded. (FYI - Paul Schaeffer wrote "It's Raining Men". Don't believe me? Google it!)
"Deal!" said Dave. "....yeah, deal!" Paul added.
Just then Dave looked down at his watch and said, "Shit Paul, it's 3:20.......if we don't make it to Starr Jones' house by 3:30 we're gonna owe Barbara Walters a full body oil massage!"
And with that the two of them took off running and I went about my business. Except all of the sudden I had lost my craving for a burrito. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about hot dogs. (Or Starr Jones naked, for that matter.)
So here it is. A Top 5 list you'll only find here courtesy of David Letterman. (Swear to God)
Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 5 Reasons Why You Should Read This Live Journal Everyday
5. Let's be serious......You really don't have anything better to do.
4. Dr. Phil says it's a good way to get in touch with your "inner child".
3. Live Journal? Oh, I thought you said "Jive Liberal"..........oops!
2. What else you gonna do? Watch that idiot Jay Leno?
1. To make sure you get your 100% Daily Requirement of Stupidity